to think that DS (11) doesn't need to be taught about paedophiles?

[LadyCad]

He's had SRE lessons in his last term of Y6. He is now full of questions about paedophiles; why?, where?, how?, what would they do with me afterwards? and so on.

The teacher approached us in the playground last year when DS was in Y5 telling us that DS didn't know the meaning of the word paedophile and we might need to explain it since thay had now "done" it in school. He was 9 then. He said he was the only child in his class that hadn't heard of paedophiles.

We have taught "stranger danger" from a young age, but we've always said stuff like "people might want to steal you and you'd never see us again, or they might even want to hurt you". We've never felt it necessary to go into such detail.

Now he's clearly disturbed, and his younger sister (9) is hearing all the questions too.

Have we been naive?

YANBU, I don't think there's any need to explain to children what paedophiles are and what they do. They will find out via the media etc. when they are older anyway. I don't see the point in the detail, just keep to the general stranger-danger message

No you havn't it is very sad to burst his childhood bubble. No need. Just needs to know the bits you have told him for now. Plenty of time to learn that when he is older.

I think it is really sad.

It is a bit different, but I remember learning about nuclear wars and being really frightened and disturbed. i was too young to be able to get it into perspective and didn't understand.

Does it really matter whether you use the term "bad person" or similar or whether you say paedophile? Not sure that it does myself. The fact is that you have done the sensible thing in warning your son of danger regardless of the words you used.

He was going to hear it at some stage, probably sooner rather than later, whether in the playground, on the news/TV or within a SRE lesson. I can't see that there could be a connection between the word paedophile and his being disturbed given that he already knows of "stranger danger".

I'd be more inclined to sit and talk to him about what exactly is distressing him and to reassure him that terrible incidents are very rare whilst emphasising that he should nonetheless take the precautions and follow the advice that you have given him.

IME children aren't naive for very long and 11 doesn't seem to me to be a particularly young age to know the word and what it means. I don't think that YOU are particularly naive but that maybe you have looked at the issue in a different manner to me.

We have these bombs that wipe out whole cities and kill everyone = FUCK !

When you are 11 you think it is going to happen rather than it could happen.

YANBU! I'd be livid! Have the school explained their reasoning for teaching this?

Stranger danger is one thing, there is no need for children to know about paedophiles.

I also remember them showing us the lungs of a smoker and saying smoking kills and gives you cancer, but my Dad smoked and I was really frightened and upset for my Dad. You don't rationalise the information the same as adults, i think you need to be very careful, they are downloading everything from us.

Valhalla,

"Does it really matter whether you use the term "bad person" or similar or whether you say paedophile?"

Yes! It is very different! Why does a child need to know they could be sexually be abused?

tbh, "people might want to steal you and you'd never see us again" is fairly disturbing.

I think there is every reason for a child to know about paedophiles. As a peadophile is not in many cases a stranger that snatches a child, it is an adult who abuses his position in order to sexually molest children. A child needs to know what this means and that it is okay to tell someone if an adult behaves inappropriately towards them. This doesn't need to be about strangers snatching and murdering children.

maryz Sadly LadyCad* didn't get the chance to choose her words.

abbie, for the reasons given, far more eloquently than I could, by Lynli and Maryz.

IMHO it's important that children do know that sexual predators exist and that they should not allow inappropriate advances, as well as being aware that they should confide in their parents/another adult if anything of the sort happens.

As Lynli said, often a paedophile will home in on a child they know, sometimes a family member. Children need to know this and that just because a person is known to them, they are not automatically okay.

A female, close family member was repeatedly raped and sexually abused by her own brother when she was about the same age as the OPs son. The knowledge I and Lynli have spoken of as important in our opinions wasn't something she had at the time.

I think that rather than say there is this type of person and that type of person and this could happen and someone could do that to you... it is better to, from a very young age, teach your child that nobody has the right to touch them if that makes them feel bad, nobody, not a parent, grandparent, uncle, auntie, friend of the family, nobody and that they should always tell someone. They should be taught about good secrets and bad secrets. They should be given the consistant message that they can tell you anything (to avoid the 'if you tell your mum she won't love you anymore' thing) etc etc

in short, educate them about their right to privacy, their right to not be made to feel uncomfortable or afraid, their right to not be touched, the importance of speaking out, that nothing they ever say could ever make you stop loving them, their confidence, and so on and so forth.

An holistic approach if you like. Rather than 'there are some bad people called paedophiles and they might want to hurt you sexually and maybe kill you.' Which, frankly, would be bloody terrifying!

I'm assuming he can't read, never watches television and doesn't interact with other children of the same age at all?

He will hear the word from other children and it is much better to have it properly explained by an adult.

I also think children of 11 need to know this information explained discussed in a mature and non sensational manner.

YABU

So it's OK to say "someone might steal you and you'll never see us again" which is vsnishingly unlikely to happen, but not OK to explain that there are people who might want to approach him in inappropriate ways because they have something wrong with the way their brains work, which is still unlikely - but significantly less unlikely than the "stealing' scenario?

And, as I said, if he can read, watch television and interact with oother children he will already kow more than you think or want him to. He's 11, not 4.

My children's life is pretty sheltered life but the eldest 2 (11 and 9) know what peopdophiles are. I totally agree with piscemoon and Grapeandlemon.

So true seeker

Hecate's quite right. I haven't told ds to be scared of strangers. I have taught him that if he's ever lost, he should ask for help from a police officer or someone serving at the till in a shop or a Mummy who has children with her.

And about good secrets and bad secrets and good touch and bad touch. That he can always tell me anything and that he has the absolute right to decide who touches his body and who doesn't.

Doesn't seem to have put him off playing doctors and nurses judging by the last playdate...

Don't like the idea that paedophiles have anything to do with sex ed, though. For some reason that makes me uncomfortable. I've had frank discussions about his body and how babies are made but paedophilia is nothing to do with sex ed, it's to do with personal safety.

But you don't need to go into details about what something is. The word Paedohile is heard a lot on the news etc etc so they are going to hear it.

My two boys,aged 5 and 10 know that paedophiles are some bad people who do nasty things to children and that's as far as I've gone. They don't need to know details but they have heard the word and want to know what it means. If they asked (well the 10 year old anyway) I would give some more information.

Children pick up all sorts and it's better they get information at home than in the playground.

I did hear my 10 year old explaining to the 5 year old what a pervert was. Apparently it's 'someone who likes to look at other peoples willies'!!!

ds has never asked me what a paedophile is. He's 7. And I won't be telling him unless it's relevant or he asks.

We had a letter home from school about some man who has been trying to persuade secondary school age girls into his car - ds's primary just reminded the children that they should always go home with the person they know is picking them up. Seemed sensible to me. No need to frighten little children.