to think that DS (11) doesn't need to be taught about paedophiles?

[LadyCad]

He's had SRE lessons in his last term of Y6. He is now full of questions about paedophiles; why?, where?, how?, what would they do with me afterwards? and so on.

The teacher approached us in the playground last year when DS was in Y5 telling us that DS didn't know the meaning of the word paedophile and we might need to explain it since thay had now "done" it in school. He was 9 then. He said he was the only child in his class that hadn't heard of paedophiles.

We have taught "stranger danger" from a young age, but we've always said stuff like "people might want to steal you and you'd never see us again, or they might even want to hurt you". We've never felt it necessary to go into such detail.

Now he's clearly disturbed, and his younger sister (9) is hearing all the questions too.

Have we been naive?

The first time DD1 was confronted to this word, it was reading in on a newspaper used in school to cover a table in an art lesson. As many have said before, they will hear/see that word somewhere and it better if the correct information comes from a responsable adult IMHO.

You can't stop an 11 yr old coming across the word-at that age I read everything and anything that I came across, which included newspapers, I also watched the news. It is sensible to tell them what it means, in a matter of fact,general, simple, none threatening way. At 11 they will hear it from other children.

I'm sure the school has not gone into the ins and outs of sexual abuse with them.
My dcs know what a paedophile is- yes, you can say it's a bad person who hurts children, but to me, it's just using the correct word- like using "vagina" or "penis".

Sadly, the amount of children on Facebook at 10/11 is growing- and they are totally unaware of the dangers of no privacy settings/being groomed/meeting someone in RL from online.
I do believe in keeping children innocent, but when they take part in risk taking behaviour they need to know the dangers.

Personal safety is taught to 10 and 11 year olds because children start to become much more independent at this age. Many 10 and 11 year olds have heard the word paedophile and will use the word.

I think 10/11 is a reasonable age to hear of this word if it comes up as part of personal safety education.

poncey - fine but what about children like the OP's who are asking what paedophiles actually DO to children and what would happen afterwards? That's not a conversation I ever want to have with ds. There's no need for him to have to listen to all the gruesome details of the appalling abuse inflicted on some poor children.

So if children do learn about paedophiles at school, how do parents handle it at home to avoid this kind of sick almost-voyeurism?

I would explain it in simple terms.

I don't really want to write it all out on a message board but basically I would say how older people like to hold hands, touch each other, have sex when they are in love. A few adults decide they want to do these things to children who do not want to do these things. Something like that. I would not go into specific details.

I think that by the time a child is about 11, and starting to go out more on his/her own, it is important that they know what paedophiles are.

They also need to know that paedophiles are not necessarily strangers, that anyone who tries to look or touch the child's private or places, or ask the child to look or touch the adult's private places needs to be reported.

Since secrecy is one of the most potent weapons paedophiles wield, the child needs to know clearly when and how to tell other adults if they are unhappy about a situation.

Beating about the bush, about "stranger danger" and "bad men" leaves the child exposed.

YANBU. I would be very cross with the school

My 11yo DS isn't ready to know about this yet.

He knows how to keep himself physically safe, which is the main thing, IMO.

Oh, for heavens sake. we are talking about eveven year olds here, not toddlers.

"A paedophile is someone who's brain doesn't work properly and who has sexual feelings towards children. There aren't very many people like this in the world, but the trouble is, you can't tell by just looking or talking to someone whether they are one or not. That's why, if anyone suggests something to you or wants to touch you in a way you don't like or which makes you feel uncomfortable, you must tell me or your dad or a teacher or grandma - someone you trust. Oh, and if anyone ever tells you to keep something a secret, that doesn't mean you can't tell me."

There. problem solved.

Good description, Seeker. And thanks, posey.

Mary, ds is only seven but he has had sex ed, from me. He knows the proper anatomical terms and he knows how babies are made.

Although it turns out I'd never mentioned the clitoris - as he's a boy I seem to have overlooked this. Only realised when my sister was getting into a flap about her ds having a sex ed video at school that mentioned this word ? I was trying to calm her down telling her ds knew all about how bodies work and it hadn't scarred him for life. She demanded to know whether he heard of the clitoris, so I asked him. Turned out not. My sister was dying on the phone, appalled that I could ask ds such a question. (After her ds had seen the video she calmed down as he didn't come home from school all over-excited or distraught or anything. Of course!)

Seeker, I will be quoting that to my DS in 2 years time. But for now, I don't think he would comprehend "sexual feelings" He's not the most mature of 11 year olds.

seeker, fantastic, THANK YOU.

My 11yo ds saw 'paedophile' in a newspaper, and asked, as you do if you are an 11yo who is interested in knowing the meaning of words. (Which is quite a lot of 11yos.) I came up with a stumbly offering, not anything like as good as yours, which seemed to be OK - but it made me remember again how important it is to have the explanations prepared. A big thank you again.

Bink...that is exactly what my 11 yo DS would do too. I guess I can't shield him form everything.

Yes, I meant to say exactly that when I was talking about having answers prepared - you just can't make it happen that a child won't ask/notice/hear the word or come across the concept. Especially nice curious newspaper-devouring 11yos just starting out on trying to properly understand the world.

My first re-action when read Op, was oh my god, this is too young. but as i have read the posts, of course its not. going to secondary in a few weeks. 11 is not too young.

Yup, Pixie, couple of posts have asked about that but OP's not responded. I think that's a terrible thing to say to child.

For one thing, the chances of a stranger stealing a child are FORTUNATELY very rare. So the stanger danger chat is fairly pointless, considering that most kids are abused by someone close to the family who they know and trust, and like.

That is horrendous. I'm with you on that, they don't need to be taught about paedophiles.

I wish I knew what a paedophile was at age 11. I knew about stranger danger and I was just beginning to learn about sex, in a very non threatening giggly way that children do.

So when a friends babysitter showed all her friends his willy, we all thorght it was funny!

When he wanted to play board games with us and cuddle me and whisper in my ear that he loved me, I thorght he was a bit stupid, but not a danger to any body! Luckily for me it went no further.

I dread to think what my friend, who was about 7 at the time went through at the hands of that man. My sister began babysitting for them a couple of years later and I would sometimes stand in for her by which time I was older and began to realise what must have happened to her. She would stay in her bedroom all the time I was there and hardly spoke.