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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be able to stand the sight of myself at my massive fuck up?

90 replies

Ladyanonymous · 29/07/2010 12:08

I am my own worst enemy - but I need a safe place to purge and ask AIBU to want to dissapear in a darkened hole for a couple of years?

Ex moved in with his gf two years ago - always massive probs - she had a kid in care - accused me of using my position to find out info about her from SS (sent really personal info about me to head of HR and cheif exec including private emails between my ex and I - humilation at its height - I was totally exhonerted) tried to have me arrested for harrassment in my own home in front of my kids had me breathylzed on the school run etc etc. Kids go there every other weekend - because they choose to although they know that they don't have to.

Often they come back complaining about her behaviour, often she critisises them, "punishes" them for things they haven't done etc but they still choose to go as they want to see their dad.

She drives up and down my road quite often and recently has taken on work in my road so drives past my house - when she lives about 6 miles away.

Recently things between us have calmed and we have managed to be cordial (ex and I). I have been quite unwell for the last 6 months with a chronic illness which is being treated. He is taking kids away in a few weeks for a week and I am going abroad with my OH for my first holiday in 6 years and I really need the break.

I left work last week and got drunk. Think two years of built up frustration came to the surface and in my pissed up haze thought "she can't touch me anymore" and wrote on her FB wall (we are not friends) exactly what I thought of her . I am totally ashamed of myself.

I have apologised for what I did several times.

He has obviously gone mental and has made me tell the kids what I have done (before he told them himself) and is now refusing to have the kids at the agreed access times. Kids devastated and cannot understand why they are being punished for something I have done (they want to go and see him and are scared they may lose their holiday with him).

Meaning I have now also fucked up my own holiday too - and will lose the money and a much needed break .

AIBU to hate myself and feel like a complete twunt?

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 29/07/2010 12:16

aww lady
you are only human, a silly one tho! but fuck it aren't we all?

You need to apologise, put it down to the booze and let him calm down

he cant punish the kids for this and think when he has calmed down a bit..he will see different

may I ask what you said?

This will pass, but let it be a lesson learned!!!!

minipie · 29/07/2010 12:16

Well you were daft obviously but we all do and say things we regret when under the influence. Don't hate yourself just do what you can to sort it out.

Your ex should definitely not be taking it out on the children in any way and if he does he is doing something far worse than what you have done. Hopefully he knows that and won't actually cancel.

Could you apologise? in a letter and/or on Facebook?

NicknameTaken · 29/07/2010 12:17

Yes, it was stupid, but he is BU if he's punishing your dcs for it. You still have a few weeks before he's meant to be taking the dcs away, so there's time for things to calm down a bit. I would avoid contacting him for a week or two. Are the dcs old enough to ring him themselves?

Seabright · 29/07/2010 12:18

Oh my god! I think we've all wanted to do this at some time or another and you were provoked, I guess.

He probably doesn't want to talk to you, so I would write and apologise, don't appotion blame (she started it etc), just take full responsibilty and explain how much he's unintentionally hurting your children.

Fimbo · 29/07/2010 12:19

Have you deleted your comments? Perhaps you need to take time out and talk to your ex on his own and explain how you are feeling, as it is not the childrens fault and really he should be seeing that, perhaps when he calms down a bit?

curlymama · 29/07/2010 12:21

UABU to hate yourself. You made a drunken mistake. We have all been there. You apologised, presumably off your own back. Turn it into a positive when you are talking to your kids about it, they could have the opportunity to learn that everyone makes mistakes, mistakes often have undesirable consequenses, the importance of apologising, and the importance of forgiveness. If the children don't get their holiday with their Dad, and they can see that you have done all you can to put your mistake right, it will be him they resent for it in the long term, not you.

However, there is a chance that ex's gf never really wanted to take your dc's away, especially if she can't take her own, and she is just using this as a perfect excuse not to have to. If your ex lets your dc's down, he is the parent in the wrong, not you. You can take responsibility for writing on someones fb wall, but not for your ex's descisions.

biddlek · 29/07/2010 12:22

YANBU to feel like a complete twunt, but he is being more of a twunt for not seeing the kids. He is punishing they for you and that is not on!

Haven't really got any advice, but please stop punishing yourself, and I do feel for you!

ginnny · 29/07/2010 12:22

Oh dear - you will have to eat humble pie here!
Can you delete your comment / replace it with a public apology on her wall.
NEVER USE FACEBOOK WHEN DRUNK!!!!

Pancakeflipper · 29/07/2010 12:23

You stuffed up but I think your ex is punishing the kids when they did not do anything.

I hope he calms down. I think a letter to him saying it's ok to be annoyed with you but the kids love him and want to see him. They are upset because it's them who lose out.

But don't punish yourself too much. You stuffed up. We all do. You have apologised. If he won't back down then you have to make sure the kids have some alternative fun lined up and you move on. He will calm down... It's a matter of when

sapphireblue · 29/07/2010 12:24

you are not a twunt. your ex is a twunt for punishing his children for something their mother did. what a knob.

All you can do is make a grovelling apology and hope for the best. Can you swallow your pride (and hatred) and go round with your kids next time they go (bottle of wine and bunch of flowers in hand!!) and just explain that you were very drunk and very stressed etc etc........emphasise how much your DCs were looking forward to their holiday with their dad and that they had nothing to do with the FB incident.

werewolf · 29/07/2010 12:29

Actually, I think you should give yourself a break here.

Not the best behaviour in the world on your part, but it sounds to me that what you did was a product of your ex's gf behaviour. It must have been a relief, like lancing a boil.

You've already apologised, have you removed your comments? Your ex probably read them, and is actually embarrassed by the truth you've revealed, which is fuelling his anger.

As he made you tell the kids what he did, have you also told the kids why you did it?

If dh decides to punish you/the kids by not taking them away, could you add them to your holiday? Or could another relative look after them for a week while you go away. Sounds like you really need a break.

Move on and hold your head up high.

GypsyMoth · 29/07/2010 12:34

How do you manage to write on someones wall if you aren't on friends list????

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 29/07/2010 12:38

I was thinking about sending flowers but I don't know if it will be sincere.

I did feel better at the time for getting it off my chest until the next morning .

I somehow managed to create another account which I presumed she would've removed the comments (you can delete thins from yuor own wall I think?)as I can't bring myself to even look and she is blocked from my regular account.

Have had an email saying how grateful I should be for everything she does for my kids and how they are thinking of moving abraod and how would I cope then without him seeing them/his money

I would cope fine as I have for the last 4 yrs - the kids on the other hand would be devastated.

I feel very uncomfortable with his reaction - he is massively hurting his kids. Its like torturing them in front of me to hurt me

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 29/07/2010 14:05

Have sent flowers and a note

OP posts:
MathsMadMummy · 29/07/2010 14:09

you did mess up but he is BVU if he's refusing to have them, that is really petty, I bet it was her making him do that, not him

FakePlasticTrees · 29/07/2010 14:26

Sorry, but what sort of bastard hurts the children he claims to love just to piss off their mother? What a total scum - you've done well to get rid of him.

I wouldn't be annoyed at myself, I'd be annoyed at him for deciding his desire to upset you is far more important than being a Dad to his children. Actually, the DCs are probably lucky to have such a negative role model out of their lives.

Spoil them rotten on the days they should have been with him.

kayah · 29/07/2010 14:32

If he doesn't want to see his own kids because of what happened he is not worth it.
Shame about your holiday etc, but maybe kids could come with you and your OH?

If ex will carry on behaving as he does just says that he never really had your kids best interest in mind (thonking about it he didn't allowing his new GF to treat them badly).

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 29/07/2010 14:42

I can't take the kids as one of them doesn't have a passport and we booked the tickets ages ago.

I have now had the "unstable" card thrown at me and I am hurting my kids apparently.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish I had family to help but I don't.

I just so desparately want a break and for him to stop being such an arse.

OP posts:
StarExpat · 29/07/2010 14:42

You can delete the message yourself from your own account. for you. Your exh sounds really horrible.

MathsMadMummy · 29/07/2010 14:43

I really reckon it's his new partner that has told him to cancel the holiday, he may be between and a rock and a hard place here as she could be doing the whole 'them or me' thing.

not an excuse but a possibility, maybe you should ask him.

ChippingIn · 29/07/2010 15:38

Ladyanonymous What a fuckwit!!!! You great stupid mare... (etc etc etc....) but hey - there aren't many of us that haven't done something truely regrettable when stressed and drunk!!! and been stopped doing many more by friends slightly less drunk or pissed off!!

I might have sent the flowers (but probably not) if the Ex hadn't done what he's doing - but all I would do now, is send him a note telling him that the children are being punished for your actions and that they are feeling scared, unwanted and unloved by him so he needs to deal with it. (WANKER).

However, there is NO excuse for your Ex's behaviour, none at all. He is punishing his children for something you did - that's not acceptable on any level. I think he's an utter fuckwit for telling kids you did it - it was between the adults.

I feel really sorry for your kids having to see that their Dad is such a shit and doesn't care about them.

MMM - the kids haven't done anything wrong, why would she be telling him it's 'them or me'? and if anyone said that to me, it would be a no-brainer, the kids everytime.

MathsMadMummy · 29/07/2010 15:41

ChippingIn - this woman sounds so unreasonable it's exactly the sort of thing she would do. the kids don't have to do anything wrong, if this woman is jealous of them

obviously it's no excuse for him considering not taking them though, I hope he changes his mind.

PosieParker · 29/07/2010 15:43

You sent a message to a woman who is frequently a bitch to your dcs and seems intent upon moving your ex and herself abroad. Your ex supports this woman being a bitch to his own dcs, and on top of that they have had the police to your house in front of your dcs???

Jesus Christ, that woman is lucky that that's all you did.

Punishing his own children for a comment on a fb page? Threatening to move abroad and not financially support his dcs....What a cunt. You've said sorry, has she in the past?

ChippingIn · 29/07/2010 15:50

MMM - yeah, you have to wonder what he sees in her don't you - she sounds like a right bloody case!

Posie - it's a rare occasion I feel that word is 'necessary' - but your use of it is quite appropriate

DaisySteiner · 29/07/2010 15:54

YABU for sending her flowers. I'd have sent her a poo instead.