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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be able to stand the sight of myself at my massive fuck up?

90 replies

Ladyanonymous · 29/07/2010 12:08

I am my own worst enemy - but I need a safe place to purge and ask AIBU to want to dissapear in a darkened hole for a couple of years?

Ex moved in with his gf two years ago - always massive probs - she had a kid in care - accused me of using my position to find out info about her from SS (sent really personal info about me to head of HR and cheif exec including private emails between my ex and I - humilation at its height - I was totally exhonerted) tried to have me arrested for harrassment in my own home in front of my kids had me breathylzed on the school run etc etc. Kids go there every other weekend - because they choose to although they know that they don't have to.

Often they come back complaining about her behaviour, often she critisises them, "punishes" them for things they haven't done etc but they still choose to go as they want to see their dad.

She drives up and down my road quite often and recently has taken on work in my road so drives past my house - when she lives about 6 miles away.

Recently things between us have calmed and we have managed to be cordial (ex and I). I have been quite unwell for the last 6 months with a chronic illness which is being treated. He is taking kids away in a few weeks for a week and I am going abroad with my OH for my first holiday in 6 years and I really need the break.

I left work last week and got drunk. Think two years of built up frustration came to the surface and in my pissed up haze thought "she can't touch me anymore" and wrote on her FB wall (we are not friends) exactly what I thought of her . I am totally ashamed of myself.

I have apologised for what I did several times.

He has obviously gone mental and has made me tell the kids what I have done (before he told them himself) and is now refusing to have the kids at the agreed access times. Kids devastated and cannot understand why they are being punished for something I have done (they want to go and see him and are scared they may lose their holiday with him).

Meaning I have now also fucked up my own holiday too - and will lose the money and a much needed break .

AIBU to hate myself and feel like a complete twunt?

OP posts:
RunawayWife · 29/07/2010 18:22

what dittany said.
Grow a pair, explain to your children that their father is a fuckwit and you will not be bullied by him and his whore anymore.
Sadly as much as they want to see him I would stop them as it is only being used to poison their minds against you and your Ex and his woman play mind games with them from the sound of it.

Writing on her face book is nothing, If I were in your shoes I would have most likely decked the bitch

rollerbaby · 29/07/2010 18:23

I would apologise to her - not because she particularly deserves it, but because you are the better person. I would also send a factual letter to ex explaining why this 'final straw' occurred. Don't forget she's in his ear 24/7 so doesn't necessarily have objectivity or strength to see things from your perspective. Once that's done, simply draw a line under it and refuse to get drawn into any pettiness or points of view on your parenting. If he wants to punish your kids that is his issue, very sad.

Morloth · 29/07/2010 18:25

You did fuck up, but he is punishing the wrong people for it.

ColdComfortFarm · 29/07/2010 18:37

I would stop making excuses for him and blaming her too. It's him taunting you by threatening to move abroad and hurt his kids. It's him saying he will not take his own children on holiday? What kind of utter fuckwit threatens that kind of thing? THank god those kids have you as their father is horrible and useless and cruel.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 29/07/2010 18:43

Sounds as if you were well and truly set up and they were waiting for you to react like you have. Why would any sane father humiliate you like that? And then penalize the kids and threaten to move abroad? Because you wrote on someone's FB page?

Think they have been planning to go elsewhere and wanted you to be fall guy.

dittany · 29/07/2010 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 29/07/2010 18:52

After we split we were best mates for two years - until he met her. He was a great dad.

He didn't tell me he'd met her, then introduced them two weeks after he met her (on his fortnightly access weekend) without telling me, slept at her house (the kids seeing him in bed with her )that day and then told the kids to lie to me about it.

It went downhill after that and that didn't help my relationship with her get off to a good start either.

OP posts:
ColdComfortFarm · 29/07/2010 19:32

I'm afraid he's not the person you thought, or hoped he was. He has shown his true colours now, and they aren't pretty. Stop cringing, stop apoloogising. I bet they are just loving it. They do all that evil stuff to you, yet you are the one left feeling guilty, what a fantastic outcome for them>

Silver1 · 29/07/2010 19:51

YABU to think what you did means the end of the world.
Does your DP have family who could help out?
Have you told your kids what their dad has said- I am all for not dragging kids into these things, but they are going to get hurt by their dad they should know what he is doing and why.

Get yourself a proper maintenance order through the courts or through the CSA- and explain that if they move abroad you will have it enforced abroad.

www.officialsolicitor.gov.uk/os/remo_faqs.htm
and
www.csa.gov.uk/en/case/remo.as p

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 29/07/2010 21:56

OMG I love my parents. Told them what happened they are on holiday that week in the UK and have said if all else fails they will take the kids with them

Phew!!

OP posts:
SE13Mummy · 29/07/2010 22:14

Hooray for your parents!

ChippingIn · 30/07/2010 00:38

Excellent - now you just need to let him know that and see what he does....

I really, really, really wish you hadn't sent those flowers... you should have saved your money and sent them one way tickets to hell somewhere far, far away....

AvrilHeytch · 30/07/2010 06:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 30/07/2010 06:48

Nothing to add, but sending sympathy. Brilliant that your parents are stepping in.

Agree with everyone else that you should now step away, let them wallow in their own nastiness.

Fuckers.

Animation · 30/07/2010 07:18

You need to stand up to this pair - they are a couple of bullies. Wouldn't be surprised if they've made you ill.

The fact he involved the kids says it all really. Time to get your power back, don't let them shame you anymore - Enough!! You need your holiday and he BETTER be taking the kids on theirs as planned.

Animation · 30/07/2010 07:35

Also - judging from this woman's very chaotic and destructive behaviour, sounds to me like she has a personality disorder. She's unstable and crazymaking. Not good for your kids,

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 30/07/2010 10:19

Thankyou for all being so nice to me.

After another sleepless night worrying about what all this is doing to the kids I have decided that even if he comes back to me today and says he has "decided" to now have his kids (seeing as it is his access weekend )then it is now too late as the kids have been told they are not going and we have made other plans (two of my OHs kids are coming for the weekend and we haven't seen them since May so the kids were a bit dissapointed to miss them anyway).

I am not letting him pick and choose when he sticks to our access arrangements anymore and play God with our lives.

I will also let him know I need to know asap if he is changing his holiday plans and whether he still plans to take his children as my parents have stepped in and need to know (I think it would be better if he had them as my mum hasn't been too well recently and has been in hosp which makes me feel a bit guilty and is why I didn't ask them).

Those of you who said I shouldn't have sent the flowers were right. I have had no aknowledgement and shouldn't spent the money on all the kids this weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 30/07/2010 10:21

should've

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 30/07/2010 12:09

LA Now be nice to yourself

I think it's a good idea to do what you have said as well (tell him he can't have them this weekend as he said he wouldn't). It will be good for you to take some control and stop him thinking he can play God.

Please don't lose any more sleep over it.

I think you should talk to the kids, tell them that you are fed up of him/her/them saying things about you that aren't true and are nasty. Tell them that no matter what you did, it wasn't fair of their Dad to take it out on them and that is the kind of thing that is making you so angry with him. It's all well and good not wanting to bad mouth the other parent and generally it's a good idea, but in some cases (like yours) the kids need to know what's going on from your end as well or they only get the bullshit from their Dad & 'the evil one'. Not only is that not fair on you, it's not fair on them. Be honest, tell them posting it on Facebook wasn't one of your finer moments and you regret doing that, but you don't regret what you said.

Yep - tell him your parents want to take the children that week, but you'd said no as he was having them, if he's not then that's good because your parents will be thrilled. That should make the silly bastard decide to 'change his mind'.

All you can say really, is that fuck he's an EX!!

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 30/07/2010 13:24

Yes - decree absoloute in the post - unfortuneately I was very decent to him in the divorce but hey .

Kids seem quite chuffed that they still get a holiday one way or another but bless them they said "does this mean you still get to go away mum?!" rather than worrying about themselves which made me feel a but guilty and a but proud of them.

Have asked him to let me know if he still plans to take them and as I have made other arrangements if I don't hear from him I'll assume he no longer wishes to see them.

Am boiling inside though that we are at the mercy of absent fathers. Who the hell do they think they are to make solid arrangements which have been in place for several years and then decide they aren't going to do that anymore - totally distrupting everyone elses life.

He wouldn't even take time off work at short notice to look after his own kids so I could see my mum when she was rushed into hospital last month.

OP posts:
swanandduck · 30/07/2010 13:58

They sound like they both deserve each other, to be honest, but horrible that your dc have to be caught in the middle of all this. I agree that you need to be back in control. That pair of irresponsible nasties should not be allowed run your life like that.

Jane054848 · 30/07/2010 14:50

Your kids sound lovely.

I completely understand why you've been far more conciliatory than they deserve, with flowers etc. You are not being a wimp, you're just trying to keep relations as good as possible for the sake of the children.

It would be very sad if she manages to drag him away from them and he becomes a completely absent father. However at the end of the day, they will still have you, the nice, sane, parent, and that is more important. So I agree that you should start standing up for yourself more even though it runs the risk of souring the relationship further.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 30/07/2010 15:11

He just texted me saying if I have ruined his relationship then he will never forgive me..hes not having the kids and if I drop them off he'll be out and he has instructed his neighbours to call the police OMG what a KNOB!!!

Shes upset as I divulged a load of info her family didn't know (her child being put in care). I didn't particually want my boss and and my parents knowing a whole load of personal info about me either but they did.

He doesn't deserve to be a bloody parent all he cares about is how she feels.

ARGH I am soooooo

OP posts:
rollerbaby · 30/07/2010 15:21

Ruined his relationship?! He sounds like a weak prick, and she has him exactly where she wants him. God good luck to them both.

Animation · 30/07/2010 15:32

Oh Yeah !! Trying milk it I think - DON'T let him. You're not responsible or to blame for the state of his relationship with this scary lady. He's sure under her thumb. And shame on him for taking it out on the kids.

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