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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit shocked by what i saw today.

257 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 25/07/2010 22:53

I took DS's out today and shortly before we left I let the play in the splash zone.

DS2 had his shorts and t-shirt on as it was very very hot and sunny ds1 was in rolled up tracky bottoms and his t-shirt.

I was a bit shocked by a couple of things I saw.

1 was a little girl running around naked - which tbh made it difficult to take photos of DS1 and DS2 playing although i managed to avoid catching her in all but 1 photo and that one has been editted so she has now got black knickers on.

The other thing was a young girl possible 7yrs old in a tiny bikini who was crouched over the jets of the splash zone gyrating herself everytime the water shot upwards

Now while I wasn't directly watching her I could hear other people talking and finally one mentioned to her parents that this possibly wasn't the best thing for her to do in public.

I have to admit the 2nd thing was more shocking than the little girl running round.

OP posts:
CreepyFunbags · 26/07/2010 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GypsyMoth · 26/07/2010 14:45

when i got a look at hatch i thought to myself,this could really have been avoided,he was out on licence as he had started out small. but there was no rehab.....there isnt....how do you find out if it works Gigantaur?

this one on our patch was known to us.....but we had to wait til he struck before getting him a jail term. this meant he had to kill....us police officers just had to wait. we werent allowed to approach him or watch him.

as soon as we found the boys body we all knew who had done it (regardless of the fact the body was found in same block as where the paedopiles mother lived)and the comunity knew.

Gigantaur · 26/07/2010 14:53

creepy - of course.

ILT - the clinic i worked at was very hush hush as otherwise it would have been a target for every pitchfork waving nimby going.
There are centre but they are very few and far between. no one wants to fund a facillity to help child abusers.
In fact i don't even know if the one i worked in is still going.

The only way of knowing whether it works is time. I would say that for those who self refer it is about 90% effective. for the 10% who do offend that will be via looking at pornography rather than phsyically abusing a child themselves.

The biggest part of the rehab was to try and get those who were habbitual perpetrators to understand that the children they abused didn't want it to happen.
Some were almost deluded enough to think that the children they did this to enjoyed it.

ruddynorah · 26/07/2010 14:58

TLE is it you that has a child psych come talk to your son regularly? i'm not sure how reading those david books fits in with the therapy he's having, surely not a great idea? i could be totally misunderstanding of course.

dh works for the police on 'abusive images' he says you wouldn't be in trouble for distributing that photo due to its context. so need to draw on pants or black squares or what not. he did say though that he doesn't deal with photos like yours, he gets the worst of the worst to deal with. he said the worst part is telling the paedophile's wife/parents what he's done. especially if they're at home when they go round.

LadyBiscuit · 26/07/2010 15:07

I have taken my DS to that water thing on numerous occasions and he and most of the other small children there are naked. There are very few non-parents there because it is the children's bit of the zoo.

It means you have dry clothes afterwards - I can't be arsed to take a change of clothes

flimflammum · 26/07/2010 15:26

It's interesting for me that this has come up, as just yesterday my kids were at a water splash fountain area, in a very public place (outside a theme park). DS (just 5) was in just his shorts, DD (2) in just her nappy. There were a couple of other kids in there, all fully clothed. We live in an Asian country where it's not really acceptable to be naked in public, even for little kids. I was just thinking maybe I should have put DD in her swimsuit so as not to offend local sensibilities, when I noticed a middle-aged man, on his own, taking photos of the fountains and my children, and I mean lots of photos, maybe 20 or 30. It did make me uncomfortable. There was a moment when DD came up to me, so a lot closer to him, and he was about to take another photo and I moved to block his view. I know it's irrational, but if he had been with his own young family, or even just with his wife, I would have been less worried. The other complication is that here my kids often get strangers taking their photo, as they have novelty value in a country where most people have brown eyes and straight dark hair. They very rarely ask permission. Also, the fountain was quite photogenic, with sunlight shining through it, etc. But I was starting to get really uneasy and thinking, should I say something. He then moved away, and a little while later I saw him meet some other middle aged people.

Gigantaur · 26/07/2010 15:30

in your situation i think i owuld have felt uneasy too FlimFlam.

one or two photo's to depict a beautifull day and children playing is fine. more than say 5 and i think that is odd.

I also think that he should have asked permission before taking photos directly of your children.

flimflammum · 26/07/2010 15:30

Meant to add, so that made me feel slightly reassured, that at least he was waiting for someone, not 'lurking'.

flimflammum · 26/07/2010 15:32

Thanks, Gigantaur. It's very difficult to know the point at which just feeling uneasy tips over into needing to take action, i.e. say something

finecheese · 26/07/2010 15:41

I think it's wierd to be a parent and to be so preoccupied with what everyone else's kids are doing.
And any adult who is alone near a "kids" area is a potential kiddy fiddler. You are giving yourself a total nighmare having these worries.
Quite right that kids should be running about and splashing about with nothing on - they deserve the freedom whilst they can, especially in this uptight modern life we're in. And rest.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 26/07/2010 15:42

Norah,

TBH my son is not the issue here. I started a thread over something yesterday that had nothing to do with my son.

Other things have been brought up and not by me.

BUT to answer your question - yes he did have and now we are a step further along the line.
I could have hidden the books however he wanted to read them and if i had continued to say no he would have just got it from somewhere else. Therefore I felt the better choice was to be aware of his reading it and openly rather than him being sneaky.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 26/07/2010 16:06

Would he not listen to you if you just said "That's not suitable for your age-group"? I just think that reading a book about a sadistic mother torturing a little boy is the last thing you'd want him to read, tbh, given your sometimes tricky relationship.

Perhaps it's unfair of me to bring this up, as it's not really in direct response to your OP, as you've said, but I think it is all connected to your anxiety about abuse, and your urge to be protective. He is bound to have issues around it too, after his experience.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 26/07/2010 16:12

BoF, lets put it this way
If I said "no its not suitable" he would be more determined to read it.
If as I did say "you can read it in the room with me" he is more inclined to pick it up and then not bother with it. As i said he put it on the shelf after reading it for about 15 minutes and it has been there for about a month.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 26/07/2010 16:14

tles dont slug it out on mn discussing son private business.these threads are visible and can be linked to fb in an instant.in my opinion this isnt appropriate.it is a digression

MisSalLaneous · 26/07/2010 16:17

Perhaps you should not read this kind of thing in front of him in the first place. Some things are not suitable for children, you have to learn to accept that.

Oblomov · 26/07/2010 16:31

Am still getting over Jamiki's posts.

MisSalLaneous · 26/07/2010 16:33

he/she's not worth responding to, Oblomov. Some people are just a lost case, and the more you argue, the more self-satisfied they become.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 26/07/2010 16:54

Mis, I have to say I havent just read these books. I read them nearly 4 yrs ago. They have been on the book shelf since then.

OP posts:
MisSalLaneous · 26/07/2010 16:56

Fair enough TLE, but I just feel it is inappropriate leaving them around. It's like the Kama Sutra - might be fine for you, but not appropriate in your shelf where children can see and access it. Read it after everyone has gone to bed if you have to.

MisSalLaneous · 26/07/2010 16:58

I honestly believe you're making things hard for yourself and your children by not accepting that there are certain rules for adults and others for children.

scottishmummy · 26/07/2010 17:02

tles why do you traipse son private business across mn.do you really feel you have to justify/explain/discuss.what are you seeking

by all means opine generally but imo bit inappropriate to directly apply to your son own difficult circumstances

as an adult you can chose whether you discuss yourself. as an adolescent he doesn't have that choice

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 26/07/2010 17:04

Agree, scottishmummy.

slushy · 26/07/2010 17:22

I have been thinking about this today, I don't like the idea of my dc running around in public naked, so I have sat down and tried to work out why it is not the pedo angle and I would not like my dc to be naked if under cover protected from sun when naked and finally it hit me why.

I was always allowed to run around naked but I was a early physical developer and by age 11 I had proper b cup size breasts and pubic hair. I was still mentally a child however and knew nothing of sex, but as I had a developed body similar to that of a 15 yo my mum said that I was getting older and couldn't do this anymore.

I remember feeling so dirty and unclean and I didn't understand why and it has still left me a lot of hangups. So now I use two excuses for why my children do not go naked in public (as my daughter is likely to develop early like me) either it is to cold or you will get sun burnt.

I allow the dc to run around naked in the house as much as they like and will continue to allow this as long as they are comfy. On a hot day I wander around without clothes to reinforce it is acceptable. But I am scared if my dd develops like me that due to society I may force negative feelings on a child with a 15yo body.

slushy · 26/07/2010 17:43

oops did I kill the thread .

catinboots · 26/07/2010 17:57

Both me and DH read books and watch DVDs that are not appropriate for our 11 year old son. He is told when things aren't appropriate for him. If I wasn't sure I could trust him to obey - I would put them away out of reach.

The reasons you have given for allowing your son to read a graphic book about child abuse are very weak indeed. It seems particuarly odd as you say he was abused himself.

It just seems such a stark contrast. On one hand you are very lax about your son's choice of reading material, but on the other hand you are frantically photoshopping black pants onto a blurry toddler in the background of a family snap.