To think that more people nowadays have very odd expectations of parenthood?

[Nemofish]

We can't have newborns napping when they want to, we can't let newborns fall asleep on us as we have Very Important Things to do, we can't have them not sleeping through the night at birth???!!!

Not having a go at anyone on here, but I feel that some people have weird expectations. They are astounded when their very young baby won't be put down, they are amazed when the baby wants feeding every 2 hours round the clock and quite frankly, baby not sleeping through at 6 weeks? Well you must be doing something wrong then!!!

Even before I actually gave birth to An Amazing Non-Sleeping Baby, I knew that I would be spending weeks if not months and months with a baby attached to me (and I couldn't even breastfeed!) and I expected to be sleep deprived (check) and that things for me, like eating, sleeping and showering, would be taking a back seat to dd's needs (check). Also things like socialising or nights out opr hair cuts - just forget it.

But some people have really weird expectations, both men and women. Are we being fooled by idealistic and unrealistic portrayals of family life in the meedja? Or is it coming from somewhere else? I don't get it.

No one ever learns from someone else's experience.

ONe of my little quirks of good luck was that, for the couple of years before having DS, I had a horrible job which involved being on 24/7 callout, and I was averaging four hours sleep in every 24.
So I found the night waking an absolute doddle - DS would cry, I would get up, feed him, change him if necessary, cuddle him and pop him back in his cot, then go back to bed. Whereas up until being about 5 months PG, in fact, a wake-up in the night would mean I had to get up, get dressed, call a cab and go to work for anything up to 8 hours.
DS was a pretty easy, happy baby, too, to be fair. So my recommendation would be that eveyrone who has no DC yet but is thinking of TTC has a practice run at chronic sleep deprivation fora few months

Just add that the reason I was like this is I was allowed to take my child to work and I did my uni work through flexible working through the uni. I just took my child to everything I would normally go to and do it exactly the same.

Waking up doesnt bother me as even with waking through the night I am way more rested than when I was out clubbing every day. I still get to socialise with my friends, take haircuts and shower etc as my husband just swaps with me whenever I want to do anything. A baby doesnt have to completely change your life and stop you from doing anything

well, i don't think this is anything new.

people having unrealistic expectations of life is the norm.

in some peoples cases though, it's not that unrealistic - they just have different ideas to you about how to go about things and are quite prepared to do whatever to get their PFB to (for example) sleep through at whichever arbitrary age they believe is desirable (which might, in fact, be nothing). It doesn't necessarily make them worse parents than you either.

I do think that people are more likely to reach parenthood with very little contact with babies beforehand though - smaller, later families makes this more usual.

Before DD, it had been 24 years since i held a baby, and that would have been my younger brother. Although in my case i was pleasantly suprised by both my babies

hastily touching wood for the one in the womb

Lol I agree Sgb my life before babies was much more tiring as after as I was out every night and never really slept. Having a baby, even one that didnt sleep felt like a rest!

Firstly, nothing can really prepare you for the lack of sleep or the properly putting someone else first. You do forget what it feels like quickly though.

Secondly, I think more than people's expectations of their babies it is more about expectations of themselves - so they are not saying 'my baby won't sleep/eat/stop crying' they are saying 'why can't I get my baby to sleep' etc. I have to say that I felt like I was being judged a lot whatever I did by those around me for not being a very good mother.

In retrospect I was a good mother to a small baby and people probably weren't being judgy. I just had no idea what I was doing most of the time.

TheCoalition that is so very true!!

"Even before I actually gave birth to An Amazing Non-Sleeping Baby, I knew that I would be spending weeks if not months and months with a baby attached to me (and I couldn't even breastfeed!) and I expected to be sleep deprived (check) and that things for me, like eating, sleeping and showering, would be taking a back seat to dd's needs (check). Also things like socialising or nights out opr hair cuts - just forget it."

But life post baby doesn't have to be like this, whilst your baby needs do neet to be met I am not sure why you think it is somehow admirable (and you do sound martyrish) to completely forget who you are because you have had a baby.

I dont like the martyr thing either - it is possible to have a balance between your babies needs and your own - it is possible to have a very loose routine that you can be flexible with when you want without it being all eat-a-slice-of-toast-at-7.15.

Theres no choosing between all this stuff - its just common sense and getting on with things.

I hate that Rachel Cusk book as well - its just so bloody joyless.

And as well on the flip side if you expect to have a non-sleeping, velcro baby then you probably will have - whats wrong with waiting and watching and seeing what your baby needs rather than deciding before it even arrives what it will be like?

Lequeen - good post. I agree I dont think it matters that I go out or still enjoy my life. I think some mums think it makes them better parents if they show how self sacrificing they are, but it isnt normal to only enjoy your children and not do anything outside of that.

Regardless of whether you stay at home or work it is important to have your own life, and in turn that makes you a better parent.

LeQueen, with regard to my friends and family, I must say it has been the other way.

It is the ones who had careers and very full social lives before children and who had children in their 30s who have become the martyrs.

The ones (myself included) who had children in their very early 20s are the ones who have got on with things, still done all the traveling etc with children in tow and have been the more laid back parents.

Libraishaving - you are right, I do sound matry-ish, and 'proud' of it. I did manage to have hair cuts and even the odd spa day once dd was about 6 months. And true that dh took over whenever he could.

I think maybe I came over like that as my mother always banged on about how fucking awful babies are, and how much of one's wonderful life one must sacrifice for them, and when I had dd I thought well, yeah, but why wouldn't you want to feed and change the baby? She had always blamed me for needing things as a baby (like feeding and changing) and I was relieved to finally find out that all babies are like that. They all cry and poo and the rest of it. I wasn't a special case, I wasn't a bad baby.

I was certainly brought up to feel I was altogether bad and wrong.

Oh boy

I maybe should go back to counselling?
IABU to go back to counselling?!

Oh yes. My half sister was a high flying barister until she had her first child at 38. She is uber-mummy now, head of this that and the other and manages her children like employees. She had the strictest routine ever when her children were babies.

She hardly ever left the house because the sleeping/feeding times were so rigid. It would have driven me bonkers.

martyr not matry, obv

YANBU. I'm an antenatal teacher and I see this all the time. I just think 'you'll learn!'. TBH, I think that if parents know a bit about normal newborn physiology and behaviour and are well-supported, then most of them do a very good job, even if they have no experience of babies. Things can sometimes go a bit awry if they don't understand how and why newborn babies are different from adults and from older children - a result sometimes of reading dodgy parenting books written by people whose focus is primarily on the needs of adults rather than the needs of babies.

Haha yah probably Lequeen my daughter slept at my parents for a night 6 days after she was born, she was formula fed, she went to nursery (i work in one), I studied for my degree,I went out and still got to have fun if I wanted etc.

I havent felt I have had to give up anything and my daughter still gets lots of time with me as well. I dont see why you cant do it all. I either took my daughter with me or let my husband look after her. I dont see the point in stressing about half the stuff people do on sites like this, but I was only 23 when I became a mum so I think it isnt such a competition when you are younger.

Rockbird I think your comments are a bit harsh actually. Why would I be googling "three week old baby" whilst pregnant? I did lots of googling for pregnancy related stuff, but never thought to ask Google to educate me on the nuances of childcare before giving birth.........

many live away from mum/familial support.and ancient times werent halycon days either.you are slightly sterotyping hapless masses

also in ancient times one male wage funded a mortage.not any more.and women choices/chances have changed so we dont have to settle for what previous generations did

and i dont think being mum is a giving things up competition-no consumer goods.no night out,no haircut

i love being mum but i couldnt wait to get back to work.being mum initself isnt necessarily wholly fulfilling

I think part of it is that nobody actually tells pre-parents the whole truth about how bloody hard it really is, and rightly so IMO.

You can't adequately explain the good stuff, like how you'll love them more than you thought possible, like the feeling you get the first time your baby smiles at you, like watching this amazing little person grow and change before your eyes etc. You need to feel those things for yourself to understand them and those are the bits that make the sleepless nights, the exhaustion and everything else worthwhile. If we were honest about the day to day grind of it, the species would probably die out!