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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to fail to understand why my daughter won't let my grand-daughter age 7 to stay with me despite grand-daughter's wishes

99 replies

titchobserver · 19/07/2010 12:52

My daughter stated that I would be able to have my grand-daughter to stay for school holidays. As I lived 4 hours away from her I put in massive efforts, e.g. bathing, trips to park, shared holiday, feeding, playing and visiting about every eight weeks, sending photos, stickers, letters etc, to develop a close relationship with grand-daughter. Grand-daughter is now seven and has asked mummy if she can stay with me and yet again my daughter has declined. My 7 year old grand-daughter told me 'Mummy doesn't trust you'. Am I being unreasonable to think this unfair? I am not a drug addict, alcohol abuser or anything esle that would normally preclude care of a child. Help please!

OP posts:

OgreRebel · 19/07/2010 12:53

Have you tried asking your daughter...

swanandduck · 19/07/2010 13:01

I would definitely ask your daughter about this. It must be very hurtful for you.

bluecardi · 19/07/2010 13:02

Whats the history with your daughter & her childhood? There's more to this.

hotcrossbunny · 19/07/2010 13:08

Maybe she just doesn't think she's ready to stay away from home yet. Has she stayed with other people?

ppeatfruit · 19/07/2010 13:08

Is there history between you and yr daughter? or is she upset about yr living so far away. Our DD is, luckily she has no DCs yet! (we live in France a lot).

Chil1234 · 19/07/2010 13:09

The only way a child of seven is going to pick up that Mummy doesn't 'trust' Granny is if Mummy actually uses those words. Is your conscientiousness to have a relationship with your grand-daughter out of character? Does your daughter think you'll 'revert to type' (whatever that type is) if she lets the granddaughter stay with you? Do you know too many of Mummy's secrets and she's worried you'll let the cat out of the bag? Or does your daughter have some very odd rules on child-rearing and think that you'll not respect them?

I think the only way you'll find out is if you ask a direct question. Be prepared for a surprise.

firsttimemum77 · 19/07/2010 13:11

Is it your daughters PFB? Maybe she just doesn't trust anyone other than herself - a control issue...?

You should definetely speak with her.

blouseenthusiast · 19/07/2010 13:13

Maybe she doesn't want to be away from her child that long? How long were you proposing that GD should stay?

gramercy · 19/07/2010 13:14

Could be that your daughter is very possessive of her dd.

My sil would never let any of her dcs stay anywhere without her. It wasn't even the safety aspect: she just couldn't bear her dcs to have even a friendship with anyone else, let alone a close relationship.

GiddyPickle · 19/07/2010 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice · 19/07/2010 13:21

I would not want my 7yr old 4hrs drive away from me, no matter how much I "trust" whoever she was staying with

DDs go to MIL, 1/2 an hour away for 2 nights and i still miss them terribly!

chipmonkey · 19/07/2010 13:25

Have you done things in the past like give your granddaughter chocolate behind your daughters back or do things "your" way even though her way is different. My MIL gave my ds1 a dummy when I was trying to get him off it, among other things and after that, I found another babysitter I could trust.

char3mum · 19/07/2010 13:28

i have two ds aged 3 and five and i have to say there is no way i would let the them stay that far away without myself or my husband. so it may simply be a distance thing. you may think that iamu, but i know my children. the eldest stayed at my moms (who has since sadly passed away) once,(they were lucky enough to see eachother everyday so had a very close relationship) but when given the opportunity to do it again was all excited until bedtime and then wanted to come home, so my mom brought him back, we were literaly 5 mins away, my moms feelings were hurt, but she understood that he just wanted to be at home, in your situation that wouldn't be possible, and you could potentialy end up with a very disstressed child on your hands, you should talk to your daughter about this and not your granddaughter, i can see that you must be hurt and flustrated, but instead of veiwing her as unreasonable can you not view this as good parenting? I would question the trust thing though. could it be crossed wires? another tack, have you asked your daughter if gd can stay over yourself? let me know how it goes, the issue is bound to come up with my in laws at some point good luck, please don't let it turn into an argument, she might just want her baby at home.

blouseenthusiast · 19/07/2010 13:30

Actually i completely agree about the four hours thing - would hate for my kids to be so far away. And really this is something you should be discussing with your daughter - GD should nto be caught in the middle...

greedyguts · 19/07/2010 13:41

Could you bring up a good natured discussion with your daughter about the kind of a relationship se has/had with her grandparents? Are/were they close? Did you let her stay over with them as a child? How would she feel in future if her grandchildren were not allowed to stay over with her?

Talk to her, try to put her mind at ease and ask her about anything you could do to make her happy about DD staying over.

When I was young, my parents were very possessive with myself and my siblings. We were not allowed to sleep over at anyones house without them until I was 16. My grandparents lived a few hours away and we never stayed over alone with them.

My DCs (aged 5 & 2) go to stay with my folks and my in-laws a couple of times a year for 2-3 nights. Apart from giving DH & I a break, it's a fantastic way for them to build bonds with their grandparents. I think my mum now realises what my grandparents missed out on.

OrmRenewed · 19/07/2010 13:43

Perhaps invite your DD to stay with your GD. Just so that GD can get used to the place and your DD will see how she settles.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 19/07/2010 13:47

Goodness, I'd have loved ds to stay with his grandparents at the age of 7.

There's more to it I think. You need to talk to your daughter.

Chil1234 · 19/07/2010 13:50

The child didn't say 'Mummy doesn't like the idea of me being far away'... the child says 'Mummy doesn't trust you'. Quite different.

blouseenthusiast · 19/07/2010 13:54

I think a 7-year-old might say all sorts of things which hadn't actually been said by the mother. Which is why the important thing is for the OP to discuss this with her daughter not her GD.

marialuisa · 19/07/2010 13:55

I suspect it might be the distance factor. DD is 9 and I would say that DH are on the relaxed side, you frequently stays away, has been on pony club and brownie camps etc. but I wouldn't want her to be 4 hours away.

There also might be slightly more to it than you realise. My dad lives 4 hours away when in the UK and has offered to have DD to help in the holidays. I won't let her go because despite their good relationship, I know he is very houseproud and has unrealistic expectations of children. DD is a clumsy, scatterbrain. Time spent with him would end in tears. To avoid causing hurt feelings and upset, I just say it's too far away and we'd be oncerned that we couldn't get to DD if something happened.

NewTeacher · 19/07/2010 13:57

my kids are 5 and 7 and my ILs live 2 hours away we see them once a month and the kids speak with them once a week. My kids would love to stay there and have done so, a few times. What is the problem?

Yes they do get a bit teary at bed time but a quick call home and they are fine after that!

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 19/07/2010 13:58

Maybe she meant doesn't trust anyone, rather than the OP. Maybe.

Still, it's interesting to see so many posts from people who won't allow their DCs to stay the night with anyone, even their own family, unless perhaps they're a short distance away, at the age of 7!

DP and I have never really managed a weekend away alone (other than one night to attend a wedding a couple of hundred miles away, when ds was about 2). But that's because we don't have anyone to babysit (mum had ds that one time, but since then she's died).

KittyTN · 19/07/2010 13:58

Wrong of OP to ask 7 year old why her mummy wont let her stay.

Agree with blouse

LittleMissHissyFit · 19/07/2010 14:03

kitty, you don't know how it was all phrased. When are you coming to stay?

I can't.

Why not?

Mummy said she doesn't trust you?

Fwiw, when i was 7 i went up to scotland with my gm for a week. All those who say you'd not let your dc go that far, let alone with their grandmother, imo, you're all shockingly unreasonable.

peeringintothevoid · 19/07/2010 14:05

I can't believe how many people wouldn't let their 7 year olds stay 4 hours away with grandparents! Unless the GPs are in some way incompetent (drugs, alcohol abuse) or disregard safety issues, I think it's denying the child a wonderful experience to spend time with family in a different environment, away from parents. After all...your parents/PIL managed to raise you/your DP, didn't they? My DD will be spending a couple of weeks at my mum & SF's this summer, as she has done for the last few years (starting with a week when she was five). She gets freedom and experiences she wouldn't get with me (they live right out in the country), and yes, they feed her things I thoroughly disapprove of.

Regarding the OP, it sounds like there's a back story to this - why does she not trust you?

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