to fail to understand why my daughter won't let my grand-daughter age 7 to stay with me despite grand-daughter's wishes

[titchobserver]

My daughter stated that I would be able to have my grand-daughter to stay for school holidays. As I lived 4 hours away from her I put in massive efforts, e.g. bathing, trips to park, shared holiday, feeding, playing and visiting about every eight weeks, sending photos, stickers, letters etc, to develop a close relationship with grand-daughter. Grand-daughter is now seven and has asked mummy if she can stay with me and yet again my daughter has declined. My 7 year old grand-daughter told me 'Mummy doesn't trust you'. Am I being unreasonable to think this unfair? I am not a drug addict, alcohol abuser or anything esle that would normally preclude care of a child. Help please!

I let my 7 year olds sleep about an hour away but not 4 hours, it's too far for me. I bet that is all it is. Don't push the issue. Her child, her choice surely? You could stay with them?

I think the more loving adults a child can build up a relationship with, the better. If your parents are responsible I see no problem with letting children stay over for a few nights. If they're really homesick and upset going to bed, put them on the phone to mum and dad and promise to bring the home tomorrow. 9 times out of 10 they will say 'no' the next day.

I agree with your last post, seeker. Letting your DCs fly the nest very gradually is the right thing to do, as parents, however hard it might seem to some.

kitty, you don't know how it was all phrased. When are you coming to stay?

I can't.

Why not?

Mummy said she doesn't trust you?

Fwiw, when i was 7 i went up to scotland with my gm for a week. All those who say you'd not let your dc go that far, let alone with their grandmother, imo, you're all shockingly unreasonable.

I too spent weekends with grandparents as a child, i missed my mom and home terribly, she was only about twenty miles away and could get home if anything happened, my inlaws live just down the road their is no need to stay over night, thankfuly because i wouldn't allow it any way, things may change as they get older, with school trips and camps etc, but at the moment its not happening. if that makes me unreasonable then hands up

Wow!! My 2 oldest (5 and 3) are off to stay with both sets of grandparents for 7-10 days in the holidays. They went last year and had a fab time doing all the things I don't let them and getting spoilt rotten from their grandparents. I can't believe there are that many of you who do not trust their own parents with their child.

Just wanted to add my perspective- DS (3.5) has gone away to Devon with my Mum and her partner.

I really really found it hard to agree to this but in the end decided It was a good idea. DS was totally up for it as he is close to them both.

He will be gone for five days.

He has just called me sounding so so excited- "mummy I've been crabbing"
"mummy granny is so funny we've made sandcastles" etc etc. For the past two days mum has called to give me updates but he has been "too busy" to talk and has just blown noisy kisses from across the room.

He sounded so very happy as did my mum. They are having a truly wonderful time and I am so glad they are able to spend this quality time together.

I am missing him terribly but am delighted he's having a great week. DP and I have had a couple of nights out, breakfast in bed, loads of DIY and deep cleaning. It has been nice to spend some time just the two of us- despite loving DS more than life itself we needed it.

I realise its not for everyone but for us its been a win-win situation all round- DS lucky to be having brilliant time, GPs lucky to be spending week with full of joy child, DP and I lucky to get some 'us' time.

I realise this doesn't answer OPs question but I wanted to add the perspective of someone who is glad they let this happen.

I let mine an hour or two away at cub camp/brownies aged 7, I don't see myself as being 'shockingly unreasonable' for not letting them go 4+ hours away at that age, luckily they were never asked anywhere although we have grandparents that far away.

'shockingly unreasonable' is not letting an 11 year old go on the school resendential trip or a Scout go camping aged 12 or for a teenager to not be allowed to walk to high school alone (I know loads of people who don't allow these things and it's not rare these days for parents to not allow anything). I know plenty of people who think I am too lax as my then 10 year old went to town and swimming on her own and my teenager camp out with friends.

We don't do everything together though, we often leave them for the day with GPs, at weekends one of us takes them out without the other, DH and I individually go off to weekend things sometimes and they have lots of time with friends. They also stay the night sometimes with the nearer set of GPs. I do not think there is any risk of us turning into the Waltons! I know it's not all about what I want, but don't think it's wrong to spend my free time with my family.

My dcs dont stay with fil because dh and i dont trust him.

Massive issues from when dh was a child.

how sad.

The 21st century; the birth of the age of easy communications, the death of childhood holidays with beloved grandparents.

In my day, there were no phonecalls home, scotland was long distance. No texts, mobiles weren't invented.

Parents trusted their own parents, children made memories. Now they have to connected at all times to their mums, their mobiles, their xboxes.

Fgs, as parents, grow a pair, and let your kids have the childhood YOU and your peers had, not this molly coddled, sedentary diet version of real life.

I say again. Shockingly unreasonable!

Well we don't really know the full story here do we? Only the OP's version.

So I wouldn't want to say that the Daughter is being unreasonable because we don't know her reasons.

My ds used to stay with his grandparents but there were one or two incidents that made me not trust them so now he doesn't and I too get it in the neck for not allowing it. ExH tries to promote them going there but I just remind him of the incidents involved and he soon subsides.

Not judging at all but am surprised at how many people wouldn't let their DCs stay 4 hours away with GPs.

I know I was left with GPs for around a week in the summer when my parents went sailing (south coast, we're in northwest) or similar non-child-friendly activity. We loved it and used to look forward to it as Grandma's drive and garden were perfect for roller-skating!

My sister and her DH this year came away skiing with us for 5 days and left her 18 month old DD with my parents. Both DD and GPs had a whale of a time, as did sister and her DH.

Again, not judging, just surprised that the things we do seem to be so outside of the norm.

D

I would let me DD stay with my Mum and Dad any time. If your daughter doesn't want her children to stay with you it must be for a reason. Why don't you think about what that might be instead of blaming her and fuming about her being unreasonable? Fundamentally, its up to your daughter who her 7 year does and doesn't stay with. If you are going to bring it up, it should be with your daughter and not your grand daughter. Discussing it directly with gdd is likely to stir things up, and given her age, is frankly manipulative.

LMHF, it is exactly the fact that dhs childhood was so shit that we don't want fil to have unsupervised contact.

I do not think i am unreasonable.

I am protecting my children.

It would be perfectly reasonable for many 7 y/os to stay with many GPs at that distance for a period of a few days / a week. For others it would not be reasonable for reasons particular to the child / the GPs.We don't know the OP's daughter's reasons / situation. No one can judge their circumstances based on the limited information provided. The OP is doing the right thing speaking to her daughter about the situation.

You are not unreasonable Geek, you have a reason. As do I. There is no one size fits all for this kind of thing.

There must be more to this than meets the eye. Agree with EmmaKateWH.

I wouldn't let my MIL have my daughter a week right now DD is nearly 3. Can't say how I'd feel when DD is 7, depends on her and MIL.

This isn't because of the 4 hour drive though. It's because MIL "uh huhs" at my instructions for DD and then... totally disregards them This because she's been a mother longer than me. I suppose my 3 years can't compete with her 35 years and yet DD runs rings round her but not me

I wouldn't let my mum have DD for a week either but for different reasons mainly that due to her depression she wouldn't be able to cope. luckily I doubt it'll ever be an issue as she says having DD for 1 night at a time is enough!

YANBU to be disappointed but YABU to not have spoken to your DD about this. It could be easily resolved for all you know!

I'm amazed at all these people who won't trust their children away with the GP's. It's a wonder they survived to adulthood really, with such terrible parents.

It doesn't matter what us on MN do and don't do regards our own children. What is right for us and our children may not be right for the OP's daughter and granddaughter. So what is someone here i happy to have left their 6 month old to go away for a week, or someone else is not yet read to have a babysitter for their 9yo. People have their own thoughts on how to bring up their children. Neither way is right or wrong, just different.

Maybe the daughter has her own feelings on this and, right now in time, doesn't yet feel comfortable with her daughter going away for a few nights. That is not wrong.

4 hours away is quite a differenc for a first sleep over. Some people may be happy with this, others less so, some not at all. Each to their own.

OP - speak to your daughter about it. Don't go through your granddaughter - at 7y it is not up to her yet. Don't be feended - chances are it is nothing to do with it being you, more than mum doesn't quite feel ready yet, or maybe mum wants to spend the time with hr DD in the holidays (I know I love my holidays off with 8y DD so don't really want her going off on her own, leaving me sat doing nothing), or maybe the little girl tried a sleepver recently and it went wrong.... could be anything.

And I have to say that DD is 8y and no, right now don't want her going off to stay away for a week partcularly, I trust my parents and my PILs. Infact DD spent friday at my parents, and is spending two nights at PILs right now (DD on holiday, I don't fnish til Thursday), and she spent 3 nights away on school trip this year. But a week is a long time. I don't want her away for that long just yet. There is no need for her to e away that long right now. IMO this is not wrong of me.

I also would say that we did not stay at GPs alone as a child, so this is normal in our family and we are all well-adjusted adults. Everyone is different. The question of staying with the far away GPs has not really arisen, if it did and all were happy I would let them go for a night or two, but not a week. The OP does need to talk to her daughter about this.

Well my Mum was physically abusive Fluffyone and used to punch and kick me as though I was an adult when I was 7 years old so I suppose I am lucky to have survived to adulthood. My Mum seems lovely now and claims to have calmed down but I still wouldn't let her have my kids unsupervised.

My dd1 stayed with grandparents a few hours drive away from about three. She went with them to Australia one Christmas when she was still in primary school. I don't see how distance is really an issue if they are well cared-for by family.

There must be more to this, surely?

That is what I think BOF.

But we don't have the daughters point of view do we?