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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to fail to understand why my daughter won't let my grand-daughter age 7 to stay with me despite grand-daughter's wishes

99 replies

titchobserver · 19/07/2010 12:52

My daughter stated that I would be able to have my grand-daughter to stay for school holidays. As I lived 4 hours away from her I put in massive efforts, e.g. bathing, trips to park, shared holiday, feeding, playing and visiting about every eight weeks, sending photos, stickers, letters etc, to develop a close relationship with grand-daughter. Grand-daughter is now seven and has asked mummy if she can stay with me and yet again my daughter has declined. My 7 year old grand-daughter told me 'Mummy doesn't trust you'. Am I being unreasonable to think this unfair? I am not a drug addict, alcohol abuser or anything esle that would normally preclude care of a child. Help please!

OP posts:

GeekOfTheWeek · 19/07/2010 17:19

Fluffyone i find your post downright fucking insulting.

Dh may have survived his childhood. Just. Doesn't mean it was good. It was dysfunctional and abusive. That is putting it very mildly.

So just because he made it to adulthood, I should trust the person that caused untold pain and suffering? Over my dead body.

5DollarShake · 19/07/2010 17:20

I can't believe there are parents who would not let their children stay overnight with grandparents (or in fact, not let them do anything), because they would miss the children...

5DollarShake · 19/07/2010 17:23

Geek - I really don't think Fluffyone is talking about blatantly abusive grand/parents.

I do think it goes without saying that no-one would be expected anyone to just leave their children with such people...

glastocat · 19/07/2010 17:29

I'm really surprised at all the people saying they wouldn't let their kids do this. Maybe its an Irish thing, but my kid has gone to stay with Granny 300 miles away for two weeks every summer for the last three or four years (he is nine). It is the absolute high point of his year! Of course I miss him like mad, but he is often far too busy to chat to me on the phone. [grin Now my kid has never stayed with the in laws for more than an evening, but that is because they are divorced, and neither of them healthy enough to cope with a little kid on their own. But if granny and/or grandad is fit, and the child is happy, I think this is a bond to be encouraged.

elvislives · 19/07/2010 18:27

I stayed with my grandparents when I was little, and loved it. DD1 went off to France with my parents and my grandparents when she was 3.5 for three whole weeks. It was her idea, and they had a fantastic time. Sadly my dad and my grandparents are no longer with us, but the children (and DD in particular) have a lot of memories of time spent with them.

LuluF · 19/07/2010 18:59

I'm not all that keen on my DCs spending the night with my parents. I would miss them, it's true - but there are many other reasons, too.

I guess OP and daughter should talk to each other rather than OP trying to work it out by questioning a 7 year old (maybe this is part of the problem?).

MrsGokWan · 19/07/2010 20:37

It would be great if the OP could come back and let us know if there is a history with her DD and Iagree a conversation with her DD is definatly in order.

I would also like to say to those who have good relationships with thier parents that can they please let thier kids have fun and stay with thier GP's, so they can build up thier own good relationship and memories, you don't know how long you are going to have them here.

My darling MIL was 55 when she was diagnosed with cancer. She was 56 when she was told they couldn't do anything more for her. One month before her 57th birthday we lost her. So please think about it.

ShadeofViolet · 19/07/2010 20:46

Fluffyone - I am glad you had such a sweet childhood, however some of us didnt - we may have survived it but I survived mine with horrible memories and physical scars.

So no, I wouldnt feel happy packing my children off as my parents havent changed.

slushy · 19/07/2010 20:50

I am over protective I have my reasons my mum knows them so when I get a little PFB she just says ok why don't you come along (instead of fighting and pushing) this makes me feel easier and she has now had ds age 4 overnight as I have been and seen how she will care for him.

Try suggesting that she come as well.

ShadeofViolet · 19/07/2010 20:55

Its telling that the OP has not come back to explain more about the situation. I dont think we got the whole story.

EightiesChick · 19/07/2010 21:02

Impossible for us to answer as the obvious responses are:
'Why don't you ask your daughter?'
and if that hasn't happened, then you have to suspect that the OP isn't asking her daughter because she knows all too well what the answer would be.

Everyone is going to vary on this, but personally I will be fine with DS going to his grandparents' overnight when he is 7. Each is around 2 hours away.

CaptainNancy · 19/07/2010 22:55

fluffyone- some of us survived to adulthood despite our parents; many of us battle-scarred.
You obviously have no idea what those of us with reservations have been through.
Interesting to see the OP answered no questions posed at all; perhaps deep down she knows the reason, but does not want to face it.

pollyblue · 19/07/2010 23:17

I spent a lot of time with my grandparents when I was little and stayed with them during school holidays - I adored them and we had a very good relationship. So I really appreciate how important and good the bond can be between gps and gcs.

Having said that, I'd never let my children stay with my Mum. There are many reasons for that, but as their Mum, it's a decision I get to make.

I get the feeling there is more to this - playing the doting Granny probably won't be enough to persuade your daughter to let your gd stay, if your relationship with your daughter is not good.

thesecondcoming · 19/07/2010 23:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scanty · 20/07/2010 00:11

my Pil's helped look after my Dcs when my mum was dying. MIL took really bad breakdown after it and nearly didn't come out of a catatonic state for months. I'd worry about them coping with a child full time - not all GP's are up to it. I wouldn't with my mum as she was a chain smoker, who wasn't that interested and had a yappy little dog that the kids had to pussyfoot around, dad is a bit of a bully who doesn't like children. Saying that I used to stay with GP's for several weeks each year but we were a bit older and totally left to our own devices.

scanty · 20/07/2010 00:13

what I really meant, that everyone's abilities and circumstances are different. We only know a little of the story.

LolaKnickers · 21/07/2010 13:13

thesecondcoming - you're slightly more reasonable than me. MIL not allowed children without ME being there to supervise!!

thesecondcoming · 21/07/2010 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emruss · 21/07/2010 15:01

My DS (8) has stayed 4 hours away with his grandparents and will be going again this summer for a week. They do things a little differently to us in terms, but they love their grandson and I think its fab that they have a close relationship, even if they don't do things EXACTLY how I would do them in terms of bedtime and things like that. Heck, its only a week and anything they do is out of love for DS.

DD (6) will be going to the other set of grandparents for the same week - although admittedly that is only 30 minutes away.

And then there was the long weekend DH and I took in New York a few years back when DD was 1 and DS was 3....yes they stayed with grandparents then, had a blast with cousins/Aunts etc. spoiling them and having so much fun and that was WAAAAAY more than 4 hours away.

Am I a bad mother? No...they love their grandparents and the grandparents love them, so why not let them stay 4 hours away? It works out well for all of us.

redskyatnight · 21/07/2010 15:52

I've said "no" to the DCs going to their grandparents (3 hours away) in the holiday.

Why? Because I've seen how exhausted MiL gets after we've stayed for just a weekend and that's with DH and I helping with the cooking, cleaning, childcare etc. (FiL is of the "women do housework and childcare generation")

I have absolutely no issues with leaving the DC with their grandchildren (it would make our lives much simpler if we did!) but I don't think their grandparents have really taken on board the realities of looking after 2 very boisterous children. And the realities of being a few hours away mean that it's impractical to leave them for a short visit - would have to be several days at least.

LittleMissHissyFit · 21/07/2010 18:39

I think that incidences of parental cruelty/abuse etc are thankfully in the minority.

Not that that helps those of you that have had to survive it of course, but we all know that it is not the norm.

OF COURSE it would be utterly wrong for any parent to place their darling children in the hands of a person that has inflicted pain, suffering and trauma on their sons or daughters. We'd be fools not to agree with that thinking.

I totally understand wanting to keep children far from such monsters.

However, on this thread there have been parents who simply have said, I wouldn't let my child go 4 hours away from me, cos I'd miss him/her.

Of course you will miss them, but they will miss OUT if they don't go off with (normal loving) granny/grandpa for a few days. To cling onto our own children to that extent, especially in this day of easier travel and communications is just wrong, and very very short sighted.

If you keep DC on such a short leash, when they do finally go out into the world on their own, they will not be able to handle the freedom.

I'm so sorry that some of you here have not been given the childhood that you should have had, but am glad to see that you are able to protect that part of your DCs lives.

MrsDinky · 21/07/2010 19:08

I seem to have misrepresented myself on this thread. I have never really considered doing this because all the GPs are in their 70s and get exhausted by one day of looking after them so it has never, and probably never will be possible for my DCs to stay for a week. Because it is not a real possibility and I have never really thought it would be, my first reaction on reading this thread was that I would miss them horribly, which I would, and I posted that for the OP to see that her DD might feel the same (right or wrong). I am not a weird control freak who keeps her children smothered at home, they have a very good loving relationship with all 4 GPs, they stay for one night regularly with one set. DH and I have no desire to go on holiday without them, so there is no problem for any of us. They will be able to go on Scout camp, school trip etc when the time comes, I will miss them but they will do it when it is right for them.

OP - if you're still there, hope you have been able to get somewhere with your daughter on this.

atmywitssend · 21/07/2010 19:54

My mother is 70, albeit very fit and active. She regularly has her grandchildren to stay including when brother and SIL went to Singapore for a week. All of the grandchildren (aged 5 to 2) adore their holidays with her and it is the highlight of her life.

I think that its great that you would like to have grandchildren to stay and am sorry that its not possible for you.

jellybeans · 21/07/2010 22:32

My kids wouldn't be going that far but they don't miss out thanks very much, my older ones are very independant. No kids get exactly the same opportunities but most grow up fine. You can't base how someone will turn out on one decision not to let them stay hours away at 7. They are certainly not on a leash!!I would say that about people with older kids who can't go anywhere alone, walk to high school etc and I often wonder how they will cope when older.

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