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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to fail to understand why my daughter won't let my grand-daughter age 7 to stay with me despite grand-daughter's wishes

99 replies

titchobserver · 19/07/2010 12:52

My daughter stated that I would be able to have my grand-daughter to stay for school holidays. As I lived 4 hours away from her I put in massive efforts, e.g. bathing, trips to park, shared holiday, feeding, playing and visiting about every eight weeks, sending photos, stickers, letters etc, to develop a close relationship with grand-daughter. Grand-daughter is now seven and has asked mummy if she can stay with me and yet again my daughter has declined. My 7 year old grand-daughter told me 'Mummy doesn't trust you'. Am I being unreasonable to think this unfair? I am not a drug addict, alcohol abuser or anything esle that would normally preclude care of a child. Help please!

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 19/07/2010 14:06

Maybe it is distance. 4 hours does seem a long trip, in case she needs to be there fast!

Can you compromise, offer to pay for her & her dh/dp to have a night in a hotel/B&B & have your grand-daughter for the night that way!?

So you get to see GD & they get some special time. That way, all will happy as she will be local if any problems.

Then, if all goes well, maybe she would feel better about about leaving her.

differentnameforthis · 19/07/2010 14:07

offer to pay for her & her dh/dp to have a night in a hotel/B&B local to you

LolaKnickers · 19/07/2010 14:12

I would and do let my child stay... but then again I don't think it's unreasonable for someone not to want their child to stay at their GPs.

I'm inclined to agree with peeringintothe void that it sounds like there's a back story here. My mother has my daugher all the time - not because she has fostered a relationship with her grand daugter, but because we have always been close and I trust her with my child's life. Perhaps you need to examine your relationshop with your daughter?

I also think the way you started the thread "My daughter stated that I would be able to have my grand-daugher" is interesting - like it's some sort of contract which is about your entitlement and not what's best for you grand-daughter. Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you or the care you would provide, but you don't have an entitlement to have someone else's children stay with you.

seeker · 19/07/2010 14:14

Have you asked your daughter? This is something you should eb discussing directly with her, not through your grand daughter - it's not fair to involve her like this.

Oh and for those who think it's distance alone - you do all realize that that is a bonkers reason, don't you? For a child that doesn't want to stay away from home (like my dd) 100 yards is too far. For one that does (like my ds) distance is not a relevant factor.

icer · 19/07/2010 14:17

my daughter stayed with my dad and sister last year when i went to a child free wedding, she was 18 months old, when my sister bought her back, i opened the front door expecting a lovely reunion, only for her to look at me, look at a dog that had just gone past, and toddle off after the dog! I think often these issues are more to do with a mothers insecurities rather than any issue the child might have.

ShadeofViolet · 19/07/2010 14:18

How is the relationship between you and your daughter OP?

Bonsoir · 19/07/2010 14:22

My DD (5.9) has just spent 8 days and nights with my parents in England while DP and I had a holiday together in France. We were 10 hours' drive apart.

DD had a wonderful time, my parents had a wonderful time and DP and I had a wonderful time. I think this is normal family behaviour where everyone concerned is healthy and developing as they should.

So I am very sorry for the OP and her grand daughter.

marialuisa · 19/07/2010 14:23

Actually Peeringintothevoid my father didn't raise me, and that is part of the issue.

DD is about to spend a few days at my mother's, DH is less than thrilled about this because many of the factors that made my childhood crap are still in play. She will only be 2 hours away though so if things kick off or DD is at all uncomfortable I can get there quickly. Neither of my parents have any idea about the massive reservations DH and i have about them and there is nothing to be gained from "bringing it all out in the open". Family relationships are not always straightforward.

blouseenthusiast · 19/07/2010 14:24

Well, I wish the OP would come back and provide some more info. It rings alarm bells for me that the communication about this issue seems to have been between the OP and the GD. If there are issues between OP and her daughter, the GD should not be mixed up in them.

undercovamutha · 19/07/2010 14:27

OP - try not to take it personally. I know PLENTY of people who wouldn't let their 7yo stay 4 hours away.

I personally think this is a bit strange, but saying that I have a very confidant DD who has stayed with my parents (who are 1.5hrs away) 3 times in the past year for 3 days at a time (she is nearly 4).

In some cases, I'm sure it does come down to trust (for example not sure if I would be quite so happy with my DD staying with my FIL who also lives 1.5hrs away in the opposite direction and doesn't manage well with young children), but in most cases it is merely a case of pfb-syndrome or worrying about a very sensitive child.

coventgarden · 19/07/2010 14:30

You need to talk to your daughter but from the angle of any time she would like her dd to stay with you, you would love to have her.

HairExtensions · 19/07/2010 14:32

I am in the "4 hours is okay" camp. My DD1 (5 years) goes to Scotland to stay with my mother (about a 3 hour drive away)and has done since she was about 1 year old. Roughly for a period of 4-7 days but sometimes longer.

This is because:

a) I want my DDs to have the kind of relationship with my mother that I have with my own grandmother and this involves spending time with her.

b) I have no other family close by to help me out so for example when I was in hospital having DD2 then DD1 had to go to Scotland so DH could be with me. When I had DD3, my mum came here to look after them.

c) DD1 has a bloody fantastic time while she is there!

On the other hand when I move back to Scotland in a few weeks, I will not be allowing any of my DDs to come here to stay with MIL without DH. This is because she is not fit to look after them IMO and I don't trust her.

So maybe there is more to it from your daughters point of view, you really need to ask her.

MrsDinky · 19/07/2010 14:43

I simply wouldn't want to be that far away from my DCs for that long because I would miss them too much. We have GPs 2 hours away, they have never stayed there alone, but we go for the weekend as a family every 6 weeks or so, and DH and I go out, just don't stay away. DCs stay with my parents for one night occasionally, it is much nearer, but I still miss them. I don't think I am being particularly PFB, I just like being with them more than not being with them. I know lots of people who feel the same. So it may be nothing personal at all.

Bonsoir · 19/07/2010 14:44

MrsDinky - don't you like being alone with your DH without your DCs from time to time?

Kathyjelly · 19/07/2010 14:45

It depends on the grandma. My mum is gone, but if she was alive, I wouldn't let my DC stay with her alone because;

she'd had one heart attack. What if she had another?
she insisted on feeding her other grandchildren masses of sugar and then laughing about their parents' objections
she didn't have the patience to deal with a strop
she didn't have a child-proofed house
she wouldn't listen to any rules and used to give us sherry as toddlers to make us sleep, and I know she would have done it again.

So much as I loved her, I recognise she was not suitable to look after my child.

It's frustrating but I think OP needs to ask exactly what the issue is and then if the issue cannot be resolved, accept that decision.

MrsDinky · 19/07/2010 14:48

We are alone every evening once they are in bed (they are only 6 and 4), we go out together a few evenings a year and it is fine for us. I know many people who do leave their children for longer and are happy too, we are all different.

LolaKnickers · 19/07/2010 14:50

Agree with blouseenthusiast - quite worrying that communication is between grand-daughter and OP here.

Also, the daughter could see this as an attempt to undermine her, which will make her become more entrenched in her position and OP less likely to see GD.

I would also question the GD's true wishes. Just because she says "yes of course I would" when asked if she would like to stay if mummy would let her, it doesn't mean she actually wants to; she may just not want to upset the OP.

MrsBadger · 19/07/2010 14:55

I wouldn;t send the dcs to stay with PIL.
They think they are fit and well but tbh they are both pushing 70 and are wiped out after having them for a day. I fear the bedtime tantrums and/or midnight wakings that DH and I take in our stride would push them over the edge.
Not fair on PIL or dcs - better to have lovely times all together.

Besides, OP, the whole school holidays? Even if PIL were at the top of their game I would hesitate before sending the dcs to them for six weeks...

LolaKnickers · 19/07/2010 14:55

I would also second kathyjely's point about parental wishes being ignored. But that's a whole other thread...

Bonsoir · 19/07/2010 14:58

I wouldn't have left my DD with my mother for a whole week last summer or the summer before - it would have been too much for both of them. I left DD for three nights instead.

This year she is much more independent - washes and dresses herself and tidies her room (and is quite helpful round the house, in a useful as opposed to playful way). And I organised a swimming course for her that my mother drove her too but that otherwise required no effort on my mother's part - and also helped use up a lot of DD's excess energy!

Original poster

titchobserver · 19/07/2010 14:59

Thank you all for your help. I will talk to my daughter again and keep you posted. It really helps to have other's perspectives.

OP posts:

gramercy · 19/07/2010 15:02

MrsDinky - beware. Dh's brother and wife constructed this tight little group - sil insisted that they must do everything together as a family. She had no family and was determined to recreate this Waltons-type set-up. Now they have 3 weird 20-something dds who if you see them all link arms and huddle together and won't speak unless you pass it through their mother.

MrsGokWan · 19/07/2010 15:10

Crumbs, my DB and I used to spend the summer holidays with my grandparents in Cornwall and then travel to London to spend time with my grandparents in London. This was in the days before we had such things as motorways, so it used to take 6 hours to get down to Cornwall in the car. Same sort of time to London as well. And we had to go to the phone box to ring my parents.

My DS's often go off on holidays with the GP's and when DS1 was 5 they took him to Disneyland Paris. They all have fun and it is great bonding for them.

I can't believe how controlling some parents are.

peeringintothevoid · 19/07/2010 15:10

Marialuisa I take your point entirely about your father having not raised you - in that case your reservations would be completely understandable. Similarly if your parents displayed unacceptable/insensitive behaviour to you or your DC, whether that be emotional or physical, then I can understand why you wouldn't want them there unsupervised.

What surprised me was so many people saying that they simply wouldn't want their 7yr old four hours away in the care of GPs who they presumably trust to care for the child competently. As to parental wishes being ignored, I think it depends on the degree of that; yes my mum does things a bit differently to me, and we don't see eye to eye of everything (especially not food), but it's part of the experience for DD to learn that people are different, do things differently, and have different rules and expectations.

seeker · 19/07/2010 15:15

"I don't think I am being particularly PFB, I just like being with them more than not being with them"

As I said on another thread today, it's not about what you want. We do things for our children because it's what's right for them, not what['s right for us. If a child wants to stay away and will be safe and happy, then they should be allowed to, and we should smile and wave - then go away and cry.

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