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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel so upset with db and sil that I'm seriously considering breaking off all contact

49 replies

tittybangbang · 19/07/2010 06:50

...... after their wedding last Saturday?

Background of relationship with SIL:
here

Neither db nor sil introduced me to any of their friends or family at the wedding. And my elderly mum, who's a very recent widow. was left sitting alone in the reception venue until she just gave up and went home. She did introduce herself to SIL's sisters before we moved to the reception venue, but that was done on her initiative. The reception was held in a pub and was very informal, but my mum is 75, walks with a stick and shouldn't have been left sitting alone while SIL's family (who we hadn't met before) all clustered together on another table.

SIL barely acknowledged me or my mum the whole day and ignored the children as usual.

I'm feeling so sad and angry with my brother for allowing this to happen. He doesn't know SIL's family that well, but he could have made more of an effort, as could she, to have acknowledged me, my sister and my mum as part of the family.

OP posts:

WidowWadman · 19/07/2010 06:56

Haven't read the other thread, but personally at my wedding I was too busy trying to at least chat for a couple of minutes with all of my guests to introduce them to other people. What's wrong with introducing yourself?

And why did you not go and talk to your elderly mum rather than leaving her to sit on her own until she gave up?

MamaG · 19/07/2010 07:04

Sorry but Iw as giong to type exactly what widow put

YABU

cornsilked · 19/07/2010 07:14

why weren't you sat with your mum?

gorionine · 19/07/2010 07:16

It is not nice indeed for your mum to have been left alone but what about your DB does he not have any respondsability in it? or yourself? as yes, probably your DB and SIL were too busy to actually be able to spend the night with just one particular person.

Lulumaam · 19/07/2010 07:22

the bride and groom don't have time generally to make introductions, and neither should they have to

you could have sat with your mum. you are an adult and could easily introduce yourself to people

not read back story, but i imagien there have been issues and this is just another one

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 19/07/2010 07:23

Why weren't you with your mum?

Why didn't you introduce yourself to guests?

That's what normally happens at weddings. If the bride and groom had to spend all their time introducing people to eachother, they wouldn't be able to enjoy their wedding! They ought to be going round, thanking people for coming, and having a lovely time, not trying to make sure that every single person gets introduced to everyone else.

And he probably thought his grown sister would be perfectly capable of introducing herself to people, and making sure your mum is ok. Did you just sit in a corner on your own too? Away from your mum?

compo · 19/07/2010 07:31

I think you all should have made an effort to get to know each other
your mum could have gone up to people and said hello as could have you

Mowgli1970 · 19/07/2010 07:42

I think there's too much recent history for you to be impartial. Your sil upsets you, therefore any social contact you have you're probably looking for insults/slights. I say this because I do exactly the same with my sil! Lots of history there, I dread spending time with them and have imaginary arguments with her in my mind ! My advice would be to let it go, remain polite and see them as infrequently as you can. It won't help matters if you make a dramatic gesture such as cutting off contact, but it will allow her to play the victim to everyone. Don't give her the satisfaction.

Original poster

tittybangbang · 19/07/2010 08:47

I did spend time with my mum, but I had three children with me and I spent a lot of the day checking up on them - they were outside the pub on the green most of the afternoon, which was crowded with non-wedding customers from the pub we were using and from the pub next door, and there was a busy road running alongside.

My mum did introduce herself to my SIL's family and had a couple of long chats with SIL's sisters, but was still left sitting on her own at the reception. That's despite the fact there were only about a couple of dozen people at the wedding and SIL found plenty of time to talk to all her friends who she'd invited.

I did know some people there - my ex bf for a start! Was nice to see him and his new partner, and also some of my brothers good friends who I haven't seen for years and who I had a lovely time talking to.

I honestly felt like SIL treated me and my family no better than people who'd just wandered in off the street rather than as family.....

And I'm cross with my brother for not making more of an effort.

OP posts:

porcamiseria · 19/07/2010 08:50

titty I am not suprised you feel this way

I have had similar experiences

suggest rather than have a big argy bargy, have a "holiday" from them

just keep distance for a while

pjmama · 19/07/2010 08:57

Sounds like you have two choices to me, based on what you've said.

Confront them about her apparent dislike of you and the appalling way she treats you and risk a huge family break up.

Keep the peace and keep your distance.

Alternatively you could just keep hoping that your DB grows a pair, but it doesn't sound likely.

fearnelinen · 19/07/2010 09:02

Sorry, I don't get all this gumpf about Bride and Groom being soooo busy that they have to be completely rude, actually, cruel.

Sure, you may not have time to introduce YOUR old school friends to HIS rugby team e.t.c. but family? Surely a wedding should be a happy occasion where 2 families merge and you have time to do some introductions.

I've briefly read the back story, she sounds like a cow and IMHO, she just wants his family to be a distant memory. She is rude and arrogant. I have some of these in my life to deal with, my mum is teaching me to rise above and be proud of who I am!

YANBU but your DB does now need to please his wife as no.1. Just stay close to him, be yourself and remind yourself that she is too stupid to behave in a decent way.

JaneS · 19/07/2010 09:05

I don't think you're being entirely fair, and if you make it about their wedding, you will look like the bad guy. There's clearly a lot of history here, so why not make it about that?

For what it's worth, at my cousin's recent wedding, his own mother (who is almost unable to walk) was left sitting in a chair in another room from the dancing and most of the bridal party. Her own son (not the groom, the groom's brother) didn't bother to come and talk to her once, and I ended up sitting chatting to her or she would have been sitting on her own missing her own son's wedding. Now, compared with that, I do think your SIL/BIL weren't quite as bad - some people can be incredibly selfish about their weddings!

SloanyPony · 19/07/2010 09:07

I was expecting there was some kind of showdown or something but as there was not, I wouldn't go so far as to break contact "officially".

Maybe dont contact them and wait and see if they contact you.

Sounds as if you have kind of lost your brother to her a bit - dissapointing really.

Let them get over the wedding stuff and see if they are in contact. Leave the ball in their court maybe?

TartyMcFarty · 19/07/2010 09:11

YANBU. What bizarre behaviour (both SIL and DB). Don't blame you for wanting to break contact but I would want to make the reason clear and perhaps ask for an explanation first.

purits · 19/07/2010 09:14

"Neither db nor sil introduced me to any of their friends or family at the wedding."

Have just quickly read the beginning of the other thread. This woman had been in your DB / your life for 15 years and you haven't got on with her all that time.
Why are you expecting her to clutch you to the bosom of her family now?

Tortington · 19/07/2010 09:14

you know your sil doesn't like you or the children....i don't think its a wild extrapolation for your mum to be included in that.

why she doesn't like you - who knows

is it justified - i have no idea.

but it is what it is - she doesn't like you

so you go to the wedding....of a person who doesn't like you - if you thik about it - you didn't go for her- you went for your brother.

a person who doesn't like you - ignored you all day - hardly surprise of the fucking century is it?

your brother on the other hand....now that's a different matter.

yes, i admit on my wedding day i was busy 30 secs with each person.

but an informal pub reception, would allow your brother to spend some time with his mum

so lets cut the shit

your sil doesn't like you and didn't acknowledge you or mum - so whats the surprize?

your brother did the same? kits him you should be pissed at

and for the record - stop trying to work her out - do you really have such little confidence that you need some other woman who looks down her nose at you to acknowledge your existance?

if the answer is yes, you need counselling.

i am quite close with SIL

but if she took a funny turn to me tomorrow - i might lose sleep over it for about a week - and then tell myself 'fuck her'

but in your other link you mention shes been with your brother for 15 years - thats a long time to seek acceptance .

fuck her

TheBossofMe · 19/07/2010 09:16

Is this the SIL who's been dating your DB for 15 years? I'm gobsmacked that this is the first time your families have met! Your brother needs to grow a pair, BTW - if he manned up, she wouldn't behave so badly.

gillybean2 · 19/07/2010 09:18

Did your mother not meet anyone from SIL's side of the family before the wedding? Seems odd to me that they wouldn't of introduced her to SIL parents/family before this, maybe over a meal or afternoon tea or something. Even if it was just to discuss the wedding plans etc.

But I guess if they haven't then maybe they are the kind who don't see it as two families merging, more of 2 people marrying and having to put up with the family that comes with it (perhaps?).

Sparkletastic · 19/07/2010 09:24

Totally agree with Custardo. SIL clearly hates you and your family (she sounds like a controlling nut-job with a persecution complex) - write her out of your life as far as possible. Your DB sounds like a craven coward. You could try telling him how this is making you feel but he's made his choice and is loyal to her not you. Stop making yourself feel shit and start ignoring them.

BaggedandTagged · 19/07/2010 09:25

Tbh, it sounds as though they didnt think about the format very well given the composition of the guest list. A small wedding in a non-exclusive venue with primarily young guests and some guests who know very few other people needs a formal seating plan for at least part of the reception to ensure everyone is included (unless the people who know v few people are the type of people to just go up and introduce themselves and get stuck in).

I can see why you're peed off but, i have to be completely honest here, I did no intros at all on my wedding day- relied on people finding one another. However, oldest guest was only 63 and a party animal.

I also think it was primarily your brother's responsibility to make sure your mum enjoyed herself, rather than SILs.

GeekOfTheWeek · 19/07/2010 09:25

I would be more pissed off with your brother tbh.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 19/07/2010 09:28

YANBU, and I can see how this happens in a less formal setting.

There was a similar set up at a wedding I went to recently. The guests ended up sitting in three distinct sections of the room - the groom's mother and her family, the groom's father and his family (parents divorced), and the bride's family. There wasn't anything acrimonious (other than groom's aunt getting pissed off with me because I let ds play in the garden with his cousins and she was trying to stop her dcs - who were plenty old enough - leaving her side ), it's just the way people ended up. People talked between the clans, but not very much. I can see how someone could have ended up being marginalised.

I wouldn't bother cutting them out though. Better to take Custardo's approach, imo.

DetectivePotato · 19/07/2010 09:28

YABU for thinking that a bride and groom are thinking of all their guests on their wedding day. Its a hectic day where you don't have time to think.

I have read your previous thread and YANBU to want to cut contact. But in your situation I would turn around to your SIL and say outright "what exactly is your problem with me and my children?" Put her on the spot and see what she says. She sounds like a total arse. Dont cut your brother out though.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 19/07/2010 09:31

Oh yes, just remembered at another recent wedding there were a couple of people who knew nobody other than the bride and groom - again this was in a pub. But pretty much all the other guests made a point of making them feel welcome. Sounds like your sil's family are a bit crap, really. Fuck em.

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