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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel so upset with db and sil that I'm seriously considering breaking off all contact

49 replies

tittybangbang · 19/07/2010 06:50

...... after their wedding last Saturday?

Background of relationship with SIL:
here

Neither db nor sil introduced me to any of their friends or family at the wedding. And my elderly mum, who's a very recent widow. was left sitting alone in the reception venue until she just gave up and went home. She did introduce herself to SIL's sisters before we moved to the reception venue, but that was done on her initiative. The reception was held in a pub and was very informal, but my mum is 75, walks with a stick and shouldn't have been left sitting alone while SIL's family (who we hadn't met before) all clustered together on another table.

SIL barely acknowledged me or my mum the whole day and ignored the children as usual.

I'm feeling so sad and angry with my brother for allowing this to happen. He doesn't know SIL's family that well, but he could have made more of an effort, as could she, to have acknowledged me, my sister and my mum as part of the family.

OP posts:

rubbersoul · 19/07/2010 09:32

On onw hand I would say distance yourself- you just don't need the crap, but could this be what she wanted all along? If you have a loving relationship with your brother, it would be a shame if this wasn't somehow resolved. Could you talk to him?

Original poster

tittybangbang · 19/07/2010 09:38

"your brother on the other hand....now that's a different matter"

Yes - you're absolutely right.

They didn't save a seat for my mum at the registry office either. They filled the first 4 rows with SIL's friends and sisters so my mum had to find a space at the back.

I understand that weddings are difficult social events, but my mum was widowed in February and she's still absolutely devastated and very fragile. Her health isn't very good at the moment either. I'm so upset by how insensitive to her feelings both DB and SIL have been.

OP posts:

DetectivePotato · 19/07/2010 09:40

Tell your brother then. Tell him he needs to think of your mum a bit more. Sounds like SIL has got him under the thumb and is doing her best to cut out his family.

waitingforbedtime · 19/07/2010 09:41

I think maybe on your mum's behalf you can be a bit annoyed but she's a grown up she can fight her own battles and tbh giving up and going home at your son's wedding isnt the nicest thing to do imo but hey ho.

Other than that YABU. I know you probably have issues anyways that are clouding this iyswim but seriously, they probably werent trying to deliberately slight you and were probably just enjoying their day.

If they were being deliberately horrible then be the bigger person.

BaggedandTagged · 19/07/2010 09:41

Ok- now we know the registry office bit, I can confirm that your brother is probably beyond hope or redemption. FFS- immediate family get the front row- it's the only upside of having put up with 12 solid months of wedding talk.

Put him on ebay and get a better one

compo · 19/07/2010 09:42

Yes your brother behaved appallingly towards his own mum
hope she's okay

Original poster

tittybangbang · 19/07/2010 09:42

"This woman had been in your DB / your life for 15 years and you haven't got on with her all that time.
Why are you expecting her to clutch you to the bosom of her family now?"

No - not to clutch us to the bosom of her family. Just not to be fucking cold and rude.

OP posts:

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 19/07/2010 09:44

Titty, that's dreadful. Utterly unforgivable.

The whole lot of them sound mean tbh (although I imagine most of the guests would have expected a seat to have been reserved for the groom's mother so I can see how it may have happened inadvertently).

You need to try and keep some kind of communication going between you and your brother though, for your mother's sake.

fearnelinen · 19/07/2010 09:46

"YABU for thinking that a bride and groom are thinking of all their guests on their wedding day. Its a hectic day where you don't have time to think" Can I just say how much I totally disagreee with this? It's the MOTHER of the groom and so now the brides Moher-In-Law. To ignore her is utterly disgusting. Regardless of family fueds e.t.c. it is clear that the bride(zilla?) was pulling all the strings and yet she lacked the social grace and ettiquette to ensure this VIP even had anywhere to sit.

If you have a wedding, invite people to 'share the joy' and expect them to turn up and be joyful with you, it is your DUTY to at least introduce them to a few people. Can you imagine throwing any other sort of party and getting away with saying "Oh I'm too busy being fabulous to bother being polite to you - you're all adults, sort yourselves out"?

Original poster

tittybangbang · 19/07/2010 09:47

"going home at your son's wedding isnt the nicest thing to do imo but hey ho"

She's 75, grieving, clinically depressed and crippled with arthritis.

I think I could excuse her not hanging around after having been ignored by the bride and groom for most of the day.

OP posts:

fearnelinen · 19/07/2010 09:57

Hear hear!

loobylu3 · 19/07/2010 10:00

It does sound as if your brother and SIL have behaved dreadfully (although we don't know their side of the story).

I think you need to make a decision what you do from here instead of continuing to be upset in silence.

Your SIL- is it worth confronting her about the poor nature of your relationship or not? Do you think there is any chance that it will change things for the better? If not, you need to try to move on and stop being upset about it and taking it personally. A lot of families have issues like this and you just have to accept that you don't get on.

Your brother- is it worth speaking to him (in a few weeks) about the hurt his behaviour has caused you and your mother. It probably is (you have said that you are close to your brother). Of course he feels that he should be loyal to your SIL but not at the expense of being rude, selfish and hurtful to everyone in his own family. Honestly, it doesn't sound as if he is capable of confronting your SIL/ altering his behaviour when she is around so perhaps you will have to agree to have a relationship with him separately to your SIL and avoid big family events in future.

Jux · 19/07/2010 10:05

Talk to your brother. Tell him what a shit he is. They've been together 15 years; he should be able to talk about it. Presumably he knows her quite well now, so should be able to hazard a guess as to why she has no manners, why he has lost his, and what he can do about it.

MrsC2010 · 19/07/2010 10:23

When we got married we had over 60 people to the day and I had more than enough time to chat to everyone and make sure all were happy. I'd love to know what the rest of you were up to if it didn't involve your guests. Especially one as important as your own mother. It would have broken my heart to see my mother sitting on her own and she isn't a widow...you have every right to be cross with your brother, whatever happended to manners, hospitality and a little consideration?

rubbersoul · 19/07/2010 10:30

Not having a seat in the front row for your mother at the registry office is shocking and completely out of order! I would be extremely pissed off... your sil is obviously being a total cow and your brother is letting her get away with it.

PrincessFiorimonde · 19/07/2010 10:40

OP, I think that your SIL may not be one of the most life-enhancing people in the world. Or possibly she and your mother have Had Words, unbeknown to you? Either way, you should talk to your brother - as long as you can be sure he won't tactlessly pass on any comments that would lead your SIL to cut your mother out of their lives altogether.

Original poster

tittybangbang · 19/07/2010 10:43

"I think that your SIL may not be one of the most life-enhancing people in the world"

So nicely put!

OP posts:

PrincessFiorimonde · 19/07/2010 11:03

We aim to please.

Lulumaam · 19/07/2010 11:30

ok, titty - may I all you titty?

I have read your other thread and caught up on this one...

firstly, i totally utterly agree with Custy, every word. esepcially the rude ones

After 15 years, you need to give up . as for cutting contact, having been to their house once in 15 years, it is not much to cut off, really is it?

your brother ought to be ashamed of himslef, for not ensuring his widowed mother had a seat at the front row of the wedding

your beef should be with him, not with her , she is totally beyodn redemption

Original poster

tittybangbang · 19/07/2010 11:49

Lulu - problem is that I see my db and his children most weekends at my mum's house. I love his kids, and I really enjoy his company, as does my dh.

I also always include them in on birthdays, Christmas, family barbecues etc. Usually db comes with the children and makes a feeble excuse for sil.

Agree that she his beyond redemption.

But don't want to give up on db. I love him, even if he is a wuss.

OP posts:

AngelHMum · 19/07/2010 11:58

Sounds like my brother and sister in law.

We were ignored at their wedding, they didn't have my son (their only nephew at the time) as a page boy or involve me and my husband. Their attendants were all her friends and her friends children.

Peed me off a lot it did, but it was their wedding their choice, we don't live close to each other so they are easily avoided.

Over the years my sil has made her dislike of me known - they arranged my niece's christening for the day we were coming home from holiday so we couldn't go. She then bad mouthed to all the guests about us not turning up.

I decided that my life would be easier and calmer without them in it.

We had no row but I just backed off - politely declined invitations and just send a card at Christmas and birthdays with no contact otherwise.

I no longer phone them or converse via email - and my life is much easier without them. Haven't seen or spoken to them in two years and it's been lovely.

Sometimes we spend too long analysing why people do things and trying to resolve matters that can't be repaired.

Don't fret, let it go, she's probably jealous of you - get on with your life and slowly drop her.

You will probably find that they want/need you before you them.

oiteach · 19/07/2010 11:59

You need to front your brother on this, your SIL doesn't like you, that is why she is cold and rude to you and I think that unfortunately sometimes you just have to accept that this is the way.

It's not nice, I'm finding that out for myself with a frenemy I appear to have acquired.

If you are that close to your brother you should be able to have aconversation with him about how hurt your mother was at the wedding and ask him to have some more consideation in the future without it leading to a rift.

BaggedandTagged · 19/07/2010 12:03

"But don't want to give up on db. I love him, even if he is a wuss"

Yes, he is, and you need to tell him to grow a pair and stop being thus

Your brothers charge sheet reads as follows (and this is from this thread)

Did not save his own mother a seat at his wedding

Allowed mother to sit alone at said wedding

Has invited you to his house once in frikin 15 years

I think you need to seriously reappraise your view of him because I cant help feeling that you're displacing some of the blame onto SIL which rightfully should be dumped at your brother's door.

Jux · 19/07/2010 20:35

Well,next time he turns up with a pathetic excuse for SIL tell him you know it's an excuse and what's the real problem? That's what I'd do with my bro.

Cue in depth discussion of what's going on and I would certainly use the time to point out how utterly utterly rude they both were to your mum at the wedding, to tell him that sort of behaviour is simply inexcusable and WILL not happen again, tell him that he needs to apologise to your mum (as does the cow, but that might be a step too far right now), to tell him that he is behaving like a child and he has to grow up, he's been with her 15years and needs to decide whether her behaviour is acceptable and if not do something.

I'd have done this with my bro a long time ago; sadly they've jsut got married (why?) so he won't be keen to kick her out, which is what he should be doing.

Is he a victim of some sort of emotional abuse? That's the only thing I can think of.

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