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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to blame mum of obese child?

108 replies

proudnsad · 17/07/2010 16:35

Was at soft play place earlier with the dc (obviously!). No Wifi, forgot me book, no papers, so feck all to do except nose at everyone else.

There was one mum with her dd, about 7 I'd guess. DD was seriously overweight. When she squeezed past my table, she was panting and wheezing like an old woman. She looked awful too. Sorry.

I felt really judgemental towards her mum. How and why did she let her dd get so big? It's so unfair on the kid.

OP posts:

bintofbohemia · 17/07/2010 16:36

What about the father?

Original poster

proudnsad · 17/07/2010 16:40

Fucking hell good point! That never even occurred to me.

OP posts:

bargainhuntingbetty · 17/07/2010 16:42

I always judge the parents of obese children too but perhaps we shouldnt, the child may have a heart condition or something and its not the parents fault. I always worry about my kids being overweight, if they ever were I would feel awful as a parent but that WOULD be my fault, maybe I/we should stop judging others before we know the story.

Easywriter · 17/07/2010 16:42

Sometimes there are medical reasons for being overweight (no idea what these are but I'm sure some exist) but other than that YANBU allowing a child to become obese is a form of child abuse as to be obese comes with numerous health issues.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 17/07/2010 16:45

Obese, yes, the parents are to blame, esp. if they are obese themselves. Slightly plump child, with parents of averageish weight, no. Being overweight is just not healthy, and esp. so in children.

Original poster

proudnsad · 17/07/2010 16:47

But bint made good point asking me 'what about the father'? Fat is a feminine issue (intentional bastardising there!!). Though maybe was because the girl was with her mother not her father...

OP posts:

Nancy66 · 17/07/2010 16:51

Provided there are no health conditions - then yes I would blame the parents. they are overfeeding her.

the kid won't be able to have a normal childhood (as you witnessed) she'll be teased - and, unfortunately, obese youngsters nearly always end up obese adults.

abshirley · 17/07/2010 16:56

There are medical conditions that can cause obesity eg hormonal conditions, PraderWilli syndrome. If the obese child is the only one in the family to be affected then it might indicate that there are medical issues. If the whole family are overweight then it would indicate that lifestyle choices and ineffective parenting are in play. I knew one family where every member was overweight/obese and it was obvious that they were all overeating and living a very unhealthy lifestyle. I don't think it is that easy to judge from one meeting.Hopefully this child is able to get some sort of help though.

sarah293 · 17/07/2010 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

valleyqueen · 17/07/2010 16:59

Mmm this is a hard one my dd is overweight, not obese but could head that way if not careful

I am slim (size 10-12) and we a quite active, we go on bike rides, ho hiking etc. I approached the school nurse as I was concerned she asked for a food diary which we did. My dds daily diet is cereal for breakie, falafel wraps or a tuna roll for lunch with fruit and a yoghurt and dinner is stuff like chickpea curry or quiche and salad. No crisps as she isn't that keen and sweets 2x per week. The nurse could see nothing that would cause this weight gain. I was then asked about portion sizes which is where I was going wrong.

With a bit of education my dd is now slowley losing some weight but still gets quite upset that she can't wear certain clothes. So I guess in some ways yes it can be the parents fault and education is key to resolving it.

Now i am going to have a little cry as I always feel so bad when I talk about it.

prozacfairy · 17/07/2010 17:00

It's always mum's fault innit? Never dad's.

I'm sitting on the fence on this one as I dont know this lady or her DD (assuming she was the mum, could she have been the childminder/aunty/whatever?) and don't know their circumstances.

charley24 · 17/07/2010 17:01

I ask the same thing of a member of my family, she is about that age and it's terrible, it is neglect, I see what they feed her.

The school is involved and doctors etc, but the parents heed no advice.

She looks terribly uncomfortable, can't do simple things like skipping etc and gets breathless.

My heart goes out to her and I feel anger against her stupid parents who aren't following the doctors advice to the letter.

It's always 'oh it's the weekend' she can have it, or oh everyone else has sweets.....

BeerTricksPotter · 17/07/2010 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

charley24 · 17/07/2010 17:04

Valley queen, my 10 year old is fit but is above the weight specified, she is also about a foot taller than her peers.
She wears clothing for older ages, she does carry some extra pounds, however she is a sensible eater and as I say is very active.

Genetics do play a part (the women in my family are all large in the hips/thighs and like our food). My DD2 aged 6 is skin and bone and underweight no matter what she eats !

charley24 · 17/07/2010 17:05

Oops missed the end !

So don't feel bad, sounds like you are doing all the right things and being a responsible Mum !!!!!!!

Easywriter · 17/07/2010 17:07

I think that there's a world of difference between being overweight and obese.

I think any child can be overweight at some point, in fact one of my DD's has just gone through a stage where she looked plump (never weighted her as she was eating good food in sensible quantities and didn't want to make her start to be image conscous), she's now left that phase (it lasted about 6 months).

Obese is different, surely?
I think obese is a child who every pair of eyes would look at them and think "that child is seriously over weight".
I pity those children, who wants their children to run the risk of heartfailure, early death, diabetes etc.

valleyqueen · 17/07/2010 17:08

My dd is a few inches shorter than her friends and the women in my family are generally slim. I just piled her plate a little too high for too long. I don't anymore and am slowley seeing the difference.

I just hope that I have done enough on time.

valleyqueen · 17/07/2010 17:12

Easywriter yes there is a difference but my dds weight was creeping up and up and getting to obese. I needed to do something before it got to that stage.

Original poster

proudnsad · 17/07/2010 17:12

valley queen good for you.

Actually thinking about it, my cousin's dd is exactly the same age as mine but v podgy, while my dd is slim. The difference is mine's a sporty tomboy and, well, does have a better diet.

She's asked me before how much mine ways (7lbs less than hers, same height, they're only 6) as she is concerned. I've done the whole 'oh no no she's fine' thing out of embarassment but maybe I should diplomatically point out that my dd burns off calories through constant physical activity. I can't mention the food can I? It's all such a hot potato, don't want to offend. But I DO blame her.

OP posts:

milliemoosmum · 17/07/2010 17:13

YABU IMO because you don't know the family and the reason for the childs obesity. You wouldn't be unreasonable though if you knew them and knew they fed the child too much/the wrong things.
Maybe the mum is trying to rectify the situation by getting the child some exercise in the playbarn? I always feel like I've done a session at the gym after chasing DD round a playbarn for a couple of hours.

Original poster

proudnsad · 17/07/2010 17:14

Maybe mill. It's not nice feeling all judgey, but it's not nice for the child either...

OP posts:

valleyqueen · 17/07/2010 17:17

proudnsad if she does ask her advice give it I wish someone had pointed it out to me. It took a heartbreaking clothes shopping trip for me to realise all was not well.

Sammyuni · 17/07/2010 17:19

When young children are massively overweight (talking obese) then blame is with the parents.

I am not talking teens or so but children around 1-10 years old, the children eat what the parents give them and parents have to make the right choices when giving them food many young children would love nothing better than to eat fast food and sweets all day. It's a parents job to not allow children to do that.

By the way i am talking about obese children.

hairytriangle · 17/07/2010 17:21

Genetics do playba part. All the mire reason to keep it in check if you have a genetic obesity problem rather than using it as an excuse.

chipmonkey · 17/07/2010 17:22

Can depend on the child though. All my dc's are slim apart from ds2 who likes his food and tries to avoid exercise where possible. I had an agreement with him where he would only buy sweets twice a week but have caught him buying them on his way home from school when he didn't know I was near the shop! Other than stoppping pocket money which I would feel bad about if I was still giving it to ds1, or collecting him from school ( humiliating for him as he is 11 and school is very close). Ds1 has a smaller appetite and chooses to spend his money on cheap tat rather than sweets.

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