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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect him to pay

46 replies

littlestmummystop · 14/07/2010 21:42

Went on date number five with someone to see a play.
He suggested the theatre and this particular play and bought the tickets.

As he went to collect them, I offered to pay for mine, fully expecting him to say: 'No it's fine.' (I only offered to be polite.)

But he said: 'We'll sort it out later.' The play was great, we had a fab night out and later on when I realised I'd not paid him he said: 'Don't worry you can pay me next time I see you.'

But I was only doing this to be polite and don't think I should have to pay! it was his idea, his favourite play, and he invited me, I think he's being dead tight and it's put me off him a bit as I can't stand tightwads.
AIBU?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 14/07/2010 21:44

Why did you offer? That was daft.

Alambil · 14/07/2010 21:45

you shouldn't have offered to pay if you didn't want to

SloanyPony · 14/07/2010 21:45

Offer him payment "in kind"...

EleanorHandbasket · 14/07/2010 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hairytriangle · 14/07/2010 21:48

YABU. You shouldn't have offered. And anyway, what's wrong with going dutch?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 14/07/2010 21:48

Do you want my honest opinion?

I think that you should never expect anyone to pay your way on a date. Those days are loooong gone, sister

I think a woman should pay her way and should not judge a man on his ability to pay for her.

Harimo · 14/07/2010 21:49

Have you thought perhaps he didn't expect you to pay, but didn't want to offend you and wanted to make it clear he DID want to see you again?

it wasn't like he held you in front of a cash point expecting the cash. He didn't mention it. You did.

It might just be his way of brushing it off.

MrsC2010 · 14/07/2010 21:49

He might well have just been saying that and have no intention of taking the money. He migth just be trying to be 'modern', assuming that is what you were wanting as that is what you were trying to show by offering him the money in the first place. In other words, you were both just saying what you thought the other wanted to hear?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 14/07/2010 21:50

I think the thing is, you mentioned it twice. If you'd just forgotten about it after the first, polite offer to pay, the issue would be forgotten. I think he'll leave it now anyway - I suspect he never expected you to pay, and that you offered twice has him thinking you're the kind of woman who insists on paying her way at all times.

overmydeadbody · 14/07/2010 21:51

YABU

It's date number %, you should be paying your share.

And if you offered, well, you have to be willing to carry out your offer. It is not polite to offer to pay if you have no intention of doing so. It is rude.

Do you not realise your hypocricy? You sound very tight indeed.

BEAUTlFUL · 14/07/2010 21:51

You brought up paying twice! Don't do that any more! Just assume that he'll pay for things like this (his idea, etc). Then you just say, "Thank you SO much for a lovely evening. I really enjoyed the play."

No way would he ask for cash after that. Plus, he gets the "payment" of feeling he made you happy.

It works. Do it!

BelleDameSansMerci · 14/07/2010 21:52

This is a difficult one! I think if you invite someone somewhere then you pay and that in paying for dates (after the first one) you take turns ie he takes you for dinner; you take him for dinner or do something else but I am quite ancient.

I think MrsC and Harimo may well be right though.

overmydeadbody · 14/07/2010 21:52

Agree with OldLady too.

BEAUTlFUL · 14/07/2010 21:56

"I think that you should never expect anyone to pay your way on a date. Those days are loooong gone, sister"

Even if it was his idea, and he suggested it, and wanted to take her?

No way should she have to pay in those circumstances. It's his treat! He wants to show himself as being generous and nice!

HecateQueenOfWitches · 14/07/2010 21:59

We'll have to agree to disagree. I think you should always pay your way on a date because you keep the feeling of control and independence and are not feeling they've 'taken you out' and you don't feel like you owe them anything.

Just my pov.

Firawla · 14/07/2010 22:01

you shouldn't have mentioned it again, or really no need to offer in the 1st place if you dont feel that you should be paying. if he brought it up himself then yanbu to be put off by it but maybe its your fault keep bringing it up, then what is he supposed to say? maybe hes worried you will be offended if he says no you cant pay because some women insist on it as some kind of weird matter of principal thing

IFancyKevinELevin · 14/07/2010 22:02

I agree with other posters, he brushed it off twice, it sounds like he was happy to pay so stop bringing it up.

Now the blind date I had, where the guy totted up all drinks, rugby tickets and pizza on his mobile phone calculator and split it - he wanted me to pay!

So if he comes back with a receipt for the daye on your next one, then come on here and have a massive moan.

SloanyPony · 14/07/2010 22:06

With the paying thing, I figure it evens out a bit - you let him shout you for a play, next time you go out to dinner, you say, why dont I get this, as you got the play the other night? That is a nice modern but relaxed way of going dutch which is a lot slicker and more elegant than handing cash over at the end of an evening or getting the waiter to do 2 maestro transactions etc...

I agree that the days where the man got everything simply because he was the man should be gone. But I dont really like this splitting things and handing cash over on the night, it takes away the romance and spontinaety...I can't spell that, and I'm not even going to try, sorry...

separated · 14/07/2010 22:16

Maybe he has no real.intention of taking money off you. He actually deferred you paying him twice. Could it be his way of politely refusing your money?

llbeanj · 14/07/2010 22:25

it's better than having a 'it's fine' 'no, I insist', 'really it's ok', 'I should pay' , 'no, I'm happy to'.... conversation

loopyloops · 14/07/2010 22:27

I agree with Harimo and others. We was embarrassed and didn't want you to pay but you kept asking.

rubbersoul · 14/07/2010 22:32

I'm with the op on this one. It would put me off to be honest!

DoYouWantToKnowASecret · 14/07/2010 22:42

Don't want to go, don't go. Don't offer to pay with no intention, instead accept that this is his night and he pays, no offer from you, and pay for tickets to something you want to see next time. Cheapskate.

selby · 14/07/2010 22:59

Agree with SloanyPony - taking it in turns is much more civilised than dividing up to the penny! If my date offered to pay but didn't, I wouldn't think much of them! Pay for the next date - hopefully, it'll be swings and roundabouts finance wise and you'll be building the trust part of your relationship.

Doodleydoo · 14/07/2010 23:08

I can only see this as him brushing it off to not take money from you and making sure that he gets to see you again. Think you are over thinking this too much and if he brings it up again then you can pay or offer to pay for something else instead like dinner or cinema trip or decide not to see him again.

All I can see is that he likes you and wants to see you again, I would be flattered!