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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect him to pay

46 replies

littlestmummystop · 14/07/2010 21:42

Went on date number five with someone to see a play.
He suggested the theatre and this particular play and bought the tickets.

As he went to collect them, I offered to pay for mine, fully expecting him to say: 'No it's fine.' (I only offered to be polite.)

But he said: 'We'll sort it out later.' The play was great, we had a fab night out and later on when I realised I'd not paid him he said: 'Don't worry you can pay me next time I see you.'

But I was only doing this to be polite and don't think I should have to pay! it was his idea, his favourite play, and he invited me, I think he's being dead tight and it's put me off him a bit as I can't stand tightwads.
AIBU?

OP posts:

mumeeee · 14/07/2010 23:09

YABU. You offered to pay. If you expected him to pay you should not have offered even if you were just doing it to be polite. As other posters have said he didn't take your money straight away so perhaps he doesn't want you to pay.

rupert22 · 14/07/2010 23:29

When you 'offered' to pay, did you do that thing where you hand was nowhere near your wallet? I hate that, its so obvious the tightwas is trying to look 'generous' but has no intention of paying.

I once gave three days hospitality and beds to a friends boyfrined and pal. Last day i couldnt be bothered to cook, ordered delivery chinese. Doorbell rang and dh goes to get it, out comes bf, hovering, and ASKS dh, "would you like some money toward that"!!!!

If he was being serious, he would have gone to the door and paid the bloody bill! Hate misers, hate them, tight with money, tight with emotion.

Eurostar · 14/07/2010 23:35

Seems pretty clear to me he didn't want to take money off you but didn't want to offend you by turning down your offer so said "next time". I'd be very surprised if he brings it up next time.

listenandlearn · 14/07/2010 23:43

YABU i think,why should he pay,go dutch he will think more of you,feel sorry for a guy sometimes women dont really have that situation on dates,if he dosent pay makes him look tight

cant believe women still expect that nowadays,if he really insists thats different and charming BUT we as women cant have it both ways as such

Sammyuni · 14/07/2010 23:52

Sorry but you offered don't offer what you are not willing to give.

Many women are now willing/and do pay on dates the fact that you brought up wanting to pay twice will make the guy think that you are a woman who really wants to pay and he does not want to offend you.

Your situation is entirely of your own making

CapitalText · 15/07/2010 00:47

He might have thought it presumptious to go to the door and pay. If you wanted him to pay, why didn't your DH say "yes please"?

"If he was being serious, he would have gone to the door and paid the bloody bill!"

rupert22 · 15/07/2010 01:03

capitaltext, trust me, this is the guy who gave me a dead bunch of petrol station flowers with the red reduced to a pound sticker on.

Its not about wanting him to pay, its the empty gesture i object to . By asking, standing miles away, if dh wanted money, he is forcing dh to say yes or no. Good manners would require him to just go and take control and insist on paying. Well, it does in Glasgow

MrsGangly · 15/07/2010 08:38

You offered to pay twice. What was he supposed to say?!

By five dates in, I would assume that the dates now worked with you paying for one, him the next, and so on.

BrownPaperandString · 15/07/2010 09:05

I agree with most of the other posters.

Just because it was his idea etc it doesn't mean he should pay for it all - he discussed it with you first and you said yes. If it was me, I would have assumed I was paying for my ticket. If he'd said - be ready at 8pm, I'm taking you out to a secret surprise then that's different.

Men can't afford to pay for back to back dates any more than women can.

If you are going to offer to pay, then mean it and do it with the money in your hand and actually give it to him. Anything other than that makes it impossible for the other person to accept money from. What else can he say but 'we'll sort it out later'. It's very embarassing to be put in that position.

If you don't want to pay for your ticket, then say something like 'thanks for a lovely night etc - dinners on me next time' and then arrange a date. It's probably cheaper for you to have paid for your ticket than both of you dinner though if you're the tightwad .

Ladyanonymous · 15/07/2010 09:17

Its 2010 not 1920.

Why on earth should men pay for us?

I always go halves and my OH said it was one of the thing he really loved about me when he met me - that he earns a lot more than me but I always paid my way.

I never ever want to rely on a man for money.

YABU

sunny2010 · 15/07/2010 09:24

How is a man meant to be able to afford endless dates if you dont help him out. I would just have said I am paying and thats the end if it, as he was being nice not asking. Personally if I was him and it was date 5 and you hadnt even returned the favour of him taking you out loads I would think you were either a tightwad or a golddigger.

chandellina · 15/07/2010 09:25

i wouldn't have even considered offering to pay!

Lotkinsgonecurly · 15/07/2010 09:35

Just accept in your mind that he's accepted paying for this one. I think its nice for everyone to be treated. The next date dinner or whatever you pay, insist with your credit card out etc. He'll really appreciate that. If you can't afford to then do something cheaper. Museum, art gallery and drinks.

Life is not a free ride, you cannot expect someone to always pay for you.

chandellina · 15/07/2010 09:41

just wanted to add that if i invited someone (love interest or not) to a play i wanted to see and bought the tickets, i would never think of taking money off them either and would refuse if they offered.

BaggedandTagged · 15/07/2010 09:49

Agree with Chandellina- if I extend an invite to someone for something specific on a one-to-one basis then I would pay. I might let them buy the drinks at the interval .

mayorquimby · 15/07/2010 11:04

"I'm with the op on this one. It would put me off to be honest! "

Why?he never brought up the money issue and quite clearly tried to down play it and not accept any money while trying to not offend the op by rejecting her offer outright.

GinaFord9 · 15/07/2010 20:24

Message deleted

BecauseImALondoner · 15/07/2010 20:45

Would put me off him too, to be honest. Call me old fashioned but if he invited you he should be a gentleman and pay.

mayorquimby · 15/07/2010 22:20

did you not read the OP? he did pay. she brought it up and offered to pay her half twice. He didn't take any money off her and brushed aside her attempts to pay.

muffint · 15/07/2010 22:30

My DH was exactly like this - but over time he understood - and definitely does now he works full time whilst I work part time and care for DD. He just didn't understand - hadn't had many GF and nobody told him. Now we have shared bank accounts - he spends virtually nothing on himself, is a kind, generous man. Just took him a while to trust.

maryz · 15/07/2010 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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