71 days sober and struggling not to drink after chat with DD

[MaggieBsBoat]

I am now 71 days sober. I’ve been doing really well. This is the longest I’ve ever managed and I feel proud.
Today my daughter opened up to me about her experience of childhood sexual abuse. It was bad. This is the first time she’s spoken to me about it. I had no idea. It’s lunchtime and I feel broken and want to drink a bottle of wine or two and take pills to sleep. I need to post to say something aloud. It isn’t about me but I feel distraught and murderous. I would be so grateful if someone could reply, telling me how to stay calm and not drink. At the moment I am justifying a bad decision with it’s just one day. But I can’t. I mustn’t. Thank you if you can. 🙏

OP you should be bloody proud. And you should NOt have a drink.

it may even be that she opened up to you because you are sober. The first time she has felt confident and comfortable around you?

Can you go for a walk? Take her out somewhere?

Drinking will not help your daughter and it will not help you to help her. A drink will not make this awful situation go away, it will create more awful situations. Keep posting. More helpful folks will be along shortly. Get to 72!

Ask yourself what value (and use that word) will drinking bring to the situation?

Now, more than ever, you need to be calm and sober to be able to support your daughter.

i am so sorry to hear this, please don’t drink though as it won’t help. Deep breaths you have got this - your daughter needs you to continue to be sober so you can be there for her. You have done so well to get to 71 days - the temptation will pass

It won’t help you or your daughter - in fact it will almost definitely make things worse for both of you.

Don’t do it - you’ve got this.

The advice that stuck with me when I was struggling with drinking was, “Play the tape to the end” meaning if you have that drink how will it go based on past experience.

Yes I would say your sobriety is allowing her to open up.

just keep going until tomorrow, you’re doing so great OP! ALL you have to do is get through today.

You have done 71 days that's brilliant. Finding out what's happened to your daughter is a major blow , she needs your help and support. You want to drink and take pills. How can you help her if you d that? Doing that is 'helping' you not her. She doesn't need to feel guilt about you drinking again she needs to feel supported by you. Stop being selfish. You've done 71 days you can keep going. You owe it to your daughter and yourself. You don't need to drink you want to drink and you are using your daughter as an excuse to do it and justify it to yourself. Drinking thinking.

This is most likely how you have coped with difficult situations in the past - by having a drink. You are changing that pattern by not drinking now and instead living through these difficult feelings so of course it is hard. Stay strong. You can do this.

All I want to say is “please don’t, just don’t”. You will wake up in the morning feeling rough, feeling guilty and it won’t actually resolve your daughter’s trauma. It is positive that she has opened up, I would agree that she has chosen now because she finds you easier to talk to.

Please make tomorrow day 72.

You’re doing incredibly, and the most important thing you can do is to support your daughter and she needs you sober for that. I know it’s hard, but your feelings are less important than hers right now - and you’ve done so well for the last 2+ months showing you can do it and see that as practice for being the parent she needs now in the tough times.

Have you considered getting structured support for your sobriety with AA or similar as they will likely be able to provide the support you’re going to need given the tough hand you and your daughter have been dealt.

Stress points are often a trigger, and this is, well, a huge, huge one without doubt.

But, to support her best, your daughter needs a sober Mum. She needs your head straight and ready to be there for her in the way a drunk Mum just can't be.

I bet she's proud of you, imagine how proud you will both be when you get through this and tick off 'major life event stress that would cause many people to reach for a drink and I got through it sober'.

Have you learnt distraction and other calming techniques? Can you try box breathing? A good long walk?

It's not worth it, just repeat, it's not worth undoing all that good work.

You got this.

OP - please talk to us and tell us how you're feeling. Your daughter needs you to be strong and stay sober so she can lean on you. If you are struggling to be strong for her, lean on us. We'll help you make it to day 72. You CAN do this!

I completely get the desire to escape from these feelings, but you know it would only be temporary - and then the issue will still be there, and you will be dealing with it hungover with a side order of shame.

The mantra that helps me when I want to drink to escape is “there isn’t enough wine in the world that would take away this pain”

Hang in there - these cravings will pass and then you will be in the best place to help your daughter

The fact that you posted here is a sign that you don't want to drink, but don't have other coping mechanisms for difficult situations. Once you find a few alternatives for drinking (going for a run, driving, sleeping, etc) it will get easier.

Your daughter has chose this time, the longest that you've been sober to disclose this awful experience. I would take it as she sees you as being strong and dependable at the moment...Please don't let her down, she doesn't need you to spiral, she needs you to support her! Keep sober, you've done amazing 💐

If you can get through this without drinking, you can get through anything. Make this that moment.

Your daughter has been through enough, without also having to deal with an alcoholic mother. I bet she’s so relieved that you’ve stopped drinking, and she now feels like she can open up to you. Don’t ruin that. My dad is an alcoholic and I’d give anything for him to stop drinking.

This isn’t about you- it’s about her. You don’t get to put yourself first now. It’s not your pity party today. You don’t get to wallow. So quit with the ‘poor me poor me pour me a drink’. No doubt it is your sobriety that has made her feel able to tell you this now. Are you going to show her now that if she leans on you, the result is that you get pissed?

one day at a time, so they say

Can you go out for a walk with a podcast /music/ audio book? Go to the cinema? You need to pass the time until the urge subsides.

I have 2 alcoholics close to me OP, please find a way to busy yourself not slip back. You are doing so well, 71 days is fantastic. You can't do anything right now to help your daughter other than listening and being there for her. You know you should not add to her worries by relapsing. You can break this cycle.

Your daughter needs you sober, do not fail her please

I can see why you want to, but drinking now would be a deep betrayal of your dd's confidence. Cry, shout, go out into the garden and beat a bush to death with a stick but dont drink.

If you drink it’ll all seem even worse tomorrow. The drink drags you down plus you’ll feel even more shit. Trust me, I’ve done it

Drinking is not going to solve or change anything, you'd be reaching out for the alcohol solely for short-term coping - but you'll in fact feel worse once you sober up again.

The fact that you turn to alcohol when life gets tough tells me you have done the right thing cutting out alcohol from your life. It does sound like you have a problematic relationship with booze. But, you've tackled that dysfunctional relationship for 70 days...don't ruin all of the hard work now. Millions of people go through actual torture, poverty, famine, uncurable diseases, war, oppression and they all manage to not drink. You can do it, too.