Support thread for anyone trying to lead an Alcohol free life - Winter 25

[Lavrander]

Hello and welcome!
This thread is for anyone who is trying to live an alcohol-free life. It was first set up by @drybird and has grown into a safe, supportive space to share thoughts, ask advice, swap experiences, or simply check in as we give up and keep off the booze.

There’s no judgment here – just encouragement. Whether you post every day, once in a while, or just read along quietly, you’re part of the group. Many of us have found this thread invaluable, whether brand new to abstaining or years into AF life.

Wherever you are on the journey, someone here will have been there too. Don’t be shy about posting – we love celebrating successes of all shapes and sizes, and we’ll support you through the tougher times as well.

The only thing we ask is that your aim is complete abstinence. If your goal is moderation or a break, there are a couple of really good threads on this board that will be a better fit. That doesn't mean that slips don't happen, and we'll support you in picking yourself back up and carrying on.

Living alcohol-free isn’t always easy in today’s world, but it is absolutely worth it. And you don’t have to do it alone – we’re here to help each other realise just how good AF life can be.

@elusivehope I've just read your post from yesterday - I've stayed away for the very same reason, although I have been reading the thread. I need to start again and I'm determined to do this - you are not alone!

Morning everyone
@elusivehopeis it worth fessing up to your husband? He may think you're tired but I'd be surprised if he doesn't suspect and may not know what to say or do but at least him knowing for sure will give you a cheerleader on the ground. Have you found a meeting you can go in the next couple of days? Seems that work is your trigger as it's such an ingrained habit for you there - can you use the break from teaching to work on how to manage your stress in a healthy way? I'm sorry I don't have the answers. This stuff is poison and posts like yours make me wonder how it's still legal. Sending so much support. You can absolutely do this. You're stronger than you think.

Someone mentioned up thread about raising an AF glass at Christmas. I think it's a lovely idea.

You can do this too @Crazeechick

Good morning lovelies.
@elusivehope oh my love I do think you need some professional help.

AA was an eye opener to me. You can go straight for a sponser if someone will take you on but it does mean daily attendance at meetings.

I'm going to say this, I'm a clever bod, not quite a professor (sorry if I look boasty) MBA, five times CEO but the stress and toxic people nearly did me in. I walked away from a position last year and I've never regretted it. A clever person like you elusive can hide the less than perfect performance at work but for what? I was really well paid and it's been hard to pay for everything but my mental health is a hundred times better. I love my husband more ( and I was going to leave him for being a buzz kill! ) and as long as I don't fall of the wagon my DC chat and are perfectly delightful. Get some support in place even if it's a generic counsellor. You need to talk about you not support everyone else. I told my DH after my first AA meeting. He's been excellent. The amount of Gordons AF he bought me in the early days was insane.

@Crazeechick support for you too my love.

@elusivehope ahhh my friend, there’s no judgement from me, just sadness, and worry and concern for you.
maybe it’s time to tell you husband and get that support in real life, even if he doesn’t know, he must be worried.

honestly, it’s stories like that that keep me from having just the one. Coz I know how quickly I can fall, how hard I will fall, and how much it takes to then get back onboard.

well done for posting. We have got you.

@ elusivehope do you want to tell us more about the day time drinking and what habits you have fallen into? It does sound as though you need some help and support as even though you think that you are functioning perfectly OK, other people are bound to have noticed if you are drinking during working hours.

It is an insidious addictive poison and at this time of the year the TV ads are ramped up, magazines and supplements full of it and it's hard to escape.

I've done two Christmas lunches and a family Christmas get together this week and all were OK. I found the family get together harder but just pushed on through.

Day 146 with ups and downs of feeling great about it all, then some troughs of feeling something is missing, then back up again etc. The thing I miss that just can't be replicated is that lovely dopamine hit that comes with the first glass of wine. But there are many, many plus points of being AF.

@elusivehope ive bounced in and out of these threads a few times over the last 2 years. It’s a journey with serious stormy seas that’s for sure and I’ve been shipwrecked in many occasions. I’m still back in early days 2 weeks today actually but I’ve noticed a massive reduction in my anxiety and am starting to sleep again.
Like @WendyWagon mentions I’m wondering if the stress and pressure of my current job is the biggest contributor to my drinking. The pressure is at times unbearable and I was advised to take time off last year by occ health due to burnout. I didn’t I just powered through still drinking. I am much stricter about my work boundaries now but really see how much of a negative impact my job has on my health. Please take care of yourself.
@Crazeechick ive done plenty of day ones but am planning that the last one was the last one! Welcome.
I’ve just walked the dog in the pouring rain and made a half hearted attempt to decorate the Christmas tree. Bearing in mind a month ago I didn’t want to put one up this is progress indeed.

@elusivehope, the others are right. I used to work in HE, and know how stressful it can be. From the outside it might look a cushy number, but anyone on the inside knows that it really isn't. I got out when I decided to stop drinking.

I'm almost certainly older than you, but I still had to scrape by for years before my pension kicked in, so my retirement is not what I'd hoped financially, but in other ways it was worth it. Not spending on wine saved a fortune anyway, and my husband was willing to share, so I was very lucky. I did a bit of consultancy-based work to tide me over, and that was much less stressful, as I was able to hand over problems to others, instead of having them handed to me 😎. I do appreciate that leaving is not an option that everyone can take, of course, but if your workplace offers a voluntary severance programme, or even voluntary redundancy (and many universities are doing both just now) it might be worth considering, as you'd get a payoff to help to tide you over until you find something else. If that's not an option at present, you could be looking at ways of moving to another sector, and come up with an escape plan. There are agencies that help with that sort of thing, I believe (though they charge £££), or you might be able to use the careers advice service at your workplace. Having something to work towards can be great for morale.

Whatever you decide, don't give up on the shipmates? We are here for you. I know that doesn't always mean much, as we are virtual and long-distance, but if there is anything specific you think we could do to help, there's no harm in asking. I'm sure you would have no shortage of willing hands, whether to give advice or do something more concrete.

@elusivehope Early retirement might well be a good decision - but for the best possible decision, consider accessing therapy, coaching and external advice and support.

Why not look up the gateway services in your city? Google 'gateway alcohol treatment service' plus your city's name. They will help you, and it will be a great relief. They may be able to refer you on to residential rehab if that is best for you.

There is so much joy to look forward to and you won't always feel like this ❤

@Becky3825 are you OK lovely?

@WendyWagon I am not really okay. I have been falling off every weekend again and feeling like such a huge failure. I started seeing this guy and things were going amazing. But he then acused me of something I didnt do , over message, yesterday , and I was drunk and I sent loads of batshit stuff to him. He is fucking livid and ignoring me completly.

I just snapped as he hadn't made contact for three days, when he normally contacts me everyday. Then when he finally does he arises me of something horrendous and refuses to speak to me on the phone.

I know non of it is my fault but I feel like I have messed everything up again. Obviously I started drinking on friday night and carried on Saturday so when I got his message I was in the worst state to be anything reasonable. I was certifyable.

Everything just always goes wrong

I’m sorry @Becky3825 I don’t think I could cope with dating these days that sounds really difficult.
I wish I had more wise words x

Ah @taylorean you get it!

@FiloPasty Its crushing. I wasnt even actively dating for the past few months and focusing on myself. But I met someone I knew vaguely 20 odd years ago and we just completly clicked. I was walking around like a grinning idiot and now I am utterly heartbroken. Which is also ridiculous as I dont even know this person! It had been a few weeks not years. But I am such a broken person from previous relationships, that the last thing I needed was this.

But I wont drink today. And I will keep trying.

I will just have to believe that things will get better.

Thanks so much everyone for all the wise words and expressions of support. I've read them over and over again.

Am typing out a longer message but will just post a short one for now.

@Becky3825 I'm glad to hear from you. I identify with you a lot right now as I really want to get sober and haven't managed it! This guy doesn't sound great to me. You deserve someone better. For now you should focus on you 💐

@Becky3825 not sure I’m in a position to be giving advice given my own frantic bouncing on and off these boards over the last 2 years. But I’ve been making much more effort to be kind to myself instead of berating myself for blips! The main thing is to keep coming back. I’ve also started very cautiously opening up a bit to people in real life. Mixed results there TBH! Just know that there’s lots of us rooting for you here!

@elusivehope And @Carpetburn

Thank you for your kindness. I really do feel utterly foolish and just the biggest loser imaginable. But being able to come back here to this thread and have support and understanding, makes me feel like the world actually isn't ending. Also makes me feel not like the most lonely individual ever. I can not wait to crawl into bed and put today behind me. Waking up not hungover will certainly help.

Thank you 🥲

@Crazeechick Thinking of you too!

@Lavrander and @Whenindoubthugitout I'm sure you're right that it would be a good idea to tell my DH. I just really don't want to because he'll be so disappointed. He's been through all this so many times before. We've also gone through periods of having quite awful rows, and we've been getting on really well recently (partly I think because I HAVE managed to do more sober days than usual, until I went completely off the rails just now). But I know that secrecy is fundamentally toxic 😢

@WendyWagon I can tell you're very clever, I love the way you have with words. (And I would say the same of many other posters on the thread!) There are many different kinds of intelligence though obviously (I definitely don't have the kind that it would take to be a CEO!) and you're right that being clever enough to mask my addiction at work (for now anyway) is a curse not a blessing. On a related topic, I have read SO MANY books about addiction and getting sober. Honestly if you saw the size of my quit lit library, you would laugh. And yet all this theoretical knowledge hasn't yet resulted in me staying sober in real life 🙄So yeah, book learning has its limits.

Being academically clever also became the core of my identity when I was very young. My parents would say they never pressured me but they absolutely did. As a result I grew up with a lot of insecurity, worrying that I wasn't as clever as people thought, and that eventually I would be shown up (classic impostor syndrome). I've realised for many years now that if your self-esteem and sense of well-being are too much tied up in your professional success (or perceived lack thereof), you won't be a happy person. Today I no longer see my job/career as the most important thing in my life. And yet I still drink on it. Hmm.

I have a lot of students who are very anxious and driven (and fixated on getting top marks), and I feel like my own experience helps me help them. It's living a good life and forging human connections that are most important. No one ever lies on their deathbed regretting that they got a 2.1 instead of a First for example. 😂So yeah. But I still get caught up myself in all the work stress. It's a case of 'physician, heal thyself'.

@Kipperandarthur maybe I'm kidding myself but I don't think anyone at work realises I've been drinking. The pattern is like, have a glass of wine or two in my office while I'm marking a set of essays, rush off and teach a seminar, repeat a couple of times and then the day is over. My body is fairly used to it at this point so I don't think I seem tipsy. But it all adds up to 1-1.5 bottles per day and as the days accumulate, I start to feel worse and worse physically and mentally. If I have a week or even a few days off, I immediately feel better.

@ShyMaryEllen I really appreciate you sharing your story, and for your lovely offer of help. I've thought many times of changing careers (I do think work burnout is part of the problem) but I'm already in my 50s. My PhD is in a very niche area and not one where I could transfer the expertise into, say, consulting. The other thing is that in many ways, I love my job. I'm teaching and researching exactly what I want to be teaching and researching. It's just that my workload during term time is too large, so it's too much of a good thing. I really need to think of ways to cut back.

I've recently found out that I can get six free counselling sessions thru my uni, and free coaching sessions as well if I want those. I think I should do the therapy definitely, and maybe the coaching too.

I still haven't pursued an official ADHD diagnosis and looked into ADHD meds either. That might make a big difference.

Anyway I have a lot to think about. I got sober through AA many years ago, and stayed sober for a few years before I relapsed, and I still hear things in my head that my sponsor used to say: 'If nothing changes, nothing changes.' And 'You can't save your face and your arse at the same time.' Ha.

Maybe I should go full force into AA again and get a sponsor as you mentioned, Wendy. The thing is, I have mixed feelings about AA. They are great in so many ways, but the 90 meetings in 90 days thing is hard. And some members (though not all) are very evangelical about 'the programme'.

But yeah, I need to do something to get off this hamster wheel of descending into active addiction every single uni term. !!!

Sorry this message is so long, thanks everyone for listening, I appreciate it more than I can say.

Day 2 for me.

Btw I forgot to say @taylorean that your advice about local services is good. I know exactly where the drug and alcohol community services in my city are, and I know I could self-refer. This is by dint of having gone to loads of AA and NA meetings on and off over the years, and having got to know a lot of people who have used the service. Also a good friend of mine who is a nurse works there. It's literally a few minutes' walk from where I live. I guess it's mostly embarrassment that's stopping me at this point, and that's not a good reason... I keep wanting to get sober and stay sober on my own. But at the moment I have to admit, I'm failing pretty dramatically.

@elusivehope
i am also in higher education. Professional exams post university
its killing me
i am going to leave next summer

Good for you for getting out @Abrandnewme ! And good luck surviving in the meantime!

Hello shipmates,

@elusivehope, @Crazeechick and @Becky3825 - and everyone else who's taken a tumble this week. I'm sorry. It is really, REALLY hard. But you're still here, still trying, still striving to do better. That's what counts. It will be alright. Keep going. I believe in you. x

@Lavrander on Christmas day last year we did a timed AF-glass-raising for anyone who could be online at the time. I logged in especially from my DB's sitting room. It was a nice thing to do.

Strength and courage. We are going to be alright. Keep at it. It does get better. xx

@elusivehope I use the term 'consultancy' loosely, as I don't want to be outed. One size never fits everyone, but if you have worked in one HE institution you can work in another. It needn't be teaching, although it could be - there are vacancies in departments/committees for teaching and learning, various policy roles, associate lecturing, External Examining, OfS and more. They value experience, particularly from different institutions, so it's worth looking around and talking to people already in those roles and sending speculative emails to see where there are vacancies. There are also liaison roles in professional bodies to do things like accreditation and overseeing of courses that are already accredited. Student Services/Welfare often have roles that would suit staff who have worked as lecturers and there are paid Union roles too.

Chin up, @Becky3825. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you will get there. 💐

So many encouraging words today, thank you so much! @elusivehope I was in a senior position in education, which is when the :habit' started, so I feel your pain. Although I've now retired, it still haunts me. @Becky3825 thinking of you too as we struggle onwards and - hopefully - upwards x

Morning shipmates. I'm up at a weird hour(the dog was being poorly).

I've read all the posts from last night and I can see real progress.

@elusivehope i would have loved to have been a academic but I got caught up in the early 1990s strive for big jobs in London and overseas. Ours was a work hard, play hard culture and the higher I climbed the less female colleagues I had. It was very lonely after a certain point.

I was trying to explain in my last post that clever people often coast and can get away with lots. Your average is probably other people's best.
I'm not super bright like my DD but that has proved a curse for her. She hid her gifts well as she has a 'boy wonder' brother, we didn't know until we separated their schools. Neither like alcohol thank god.
I do also understand the expectation bit growing up. We had a really difficult time as children. A very posh mother who was bipolar and at times a bully. Nothing was ever good enough. I could have made Dean of Oxford and she'd have still said it wasn't up to the mustard. After I had therapy I realised I drank because of her.

I too gave up AA due to the politics. We had a particularly vicious queen bee and I didn't trust her. I also didn't want to go every day. I get paid to sort problems out so I applied that to project 'me'
Hopefully you will finish for Christmas soon. A bit of distance.
My DH had me promise to give up booze many times and he's still on it. If I fall off the wagon he does have something to say. In years gone by he would have ignored it for fear of making things worse. Luckily I've only had one shenanigan in the last 18 months.

We all have the ability to conquer this addiction. I promise you it's worth it. It's not just physical it's the mental health element too. A clear liver and mind. Good luck today my friends. I'm always here for a DM if anyone needs it x.