Partners lifestyle ruining my 8yo

[dinopjs]

So firstly, I'll start by saying that he is not her father. He father is not in her life and never has been, so the only male in her life is my partner.

We started a relationship nearly 4 years ago. At the time, I was unaware of his drug and alcohol issues. I ended it with him some time after due to his lying about the issues, but we stayed in contact and developed what I can only describe as a trauma bond. My daughter had very little to do with him during this time and the whole thing was a mess.

I then fell pregnant by him, and consequently we now have a child together (8 months old). Since the birth of our child, the relationship itself has improved and he has managed to stay in consistent work, so I have given it a proper chance and allowed him into our lives at an attempt to build a proper family. We do not live together though as I won't allow it in my home, and he has quite a temper (although never violent). His family have a history of drug and alcohol problems, his parents were both drug addicts while he was growing up, his father died of it, his mum got clean, but he and his brother now both suffer with the same issues.

He doesn't drink every day, it's roughly every 3 days or when he's having a bad day, sometimes when he's having a good day such as payday. When he drinks, he also takes drugs and gambles. All of his friends have severe drug issues, so it's rife within his environment. I do understand this makes it harder for him to get away from, however, my empathy can only go so far now that I'm seeing the impact on my children.

Since the birth of our child and him spending much more time around us, he consistently talks about drink and drugs around my 8 year old. The amount of times I've had to pull him up on it is a joke now, to be honest. It's now at the stage where it's become normalised to my child and she talks and jokes about drink and drugs. It makes me absolutely sick.

I want to end it with him, but I don't know how to stand my ground and stick with it. I've tried so many times, hence why I believe there is a trauma bond here for me. I was in a bad place when I met him, he made it worse for me. I'm in a better place now but I am quite lonely. Since the relationship with him, I have gradually lost all of my friends. I have raised our child completely alone, with only some financial support from him.

For the record, I do not drink or do drugs, and I'm so worried and angry that it's managed to become so normalised to my child through someone who she isn't even biologically related to, and I want to break his family's cycle for my son before he follows the same fate.

How do I do it? How do I stay strong enough to walk away from him completely.

Wow just seen how rude and aggressive you’re being with posters trying to offer advice so I won’t bother.

you need a massive wake up call if you think you’ve done anything other than deliberately mess up your children’s lives by getting involved with this man and blaming all your bad decisions on “guilt”

utterly delusional.

Oh no, I didn't start off being rude. I was actually incredibly open and honest with my own personal life. However, I was the one repeatedly approached with rudeness and aggression... exactly like how you've just approached me, as a matter of fact. Pot. Kettle. Black.

You deserve it tbh, you’ve acted terribly and endangered your children.

we are nothing alike, I promise you that!

good luck with your car crash of a life though…

Wow, how incredibly rude and aggressive of you

right, repeating yourself ok but we've had to repeat ourselves too as you're just not getting it. I've asked a few times now to specifically quote me where I have even rude or aggressive and you haven't been able to. So I haven't been rude or aggressive.

perhaps you'd get better replies if you actually stuck to facts because your title says 'ruining' your DD. You're now downplaying it to a 'couple of conversations around her.' people are responding to your words.

i have not been rude or aggressive to you once and the fact you can't seem to quote anything I've said as such proves my point.

you really need a wake up call and I hope you and your children get the help you need.

What am I not getting please? I have very clearly stated that I've ended it and he won't be having contact. I can't think of any other way I could possibly say it that might get through to you. I took everybody's comments on board, and replied to questions where necessary, and then various people started to get nasty, at which point I switched off. I stated I'd been a victim of abuse by him, yet some posters chose to abuse me further. Does that seem right to you? I also at no point said you've been rude or aggressive, those were your chosen words. This doesn't need to continue for another full day.

OP it's incredibly confusing for us to offer help and advice (which is genuinely what I've tried to do on this thread) when you keep changing the rhetoric. You have had to repeat yourself because posters are getting confused and then getting snippy comments back. For example the thread title you chose explicitly is that this man is ruining your DD.
you've since back peddled and said she's only impacted 'by a couple of conversations around her.' You have to see that it's contradicting, so posters are going to ask questions, to which you feel like you're repeating yourself. You absolutely have some element of fault in this. You have chosen to plan a baby with a man who doesn't even see his own kids, even if you thought he was 'clean at the time' an addict is still an addict regardless of their using status. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I genuinely hope you and your children get the help you clearly need. I am not here to kick you while you're down I am trying to offer a viewpoint from someone who has escaped, relatively unscathed, from an abusive relationship with a toddler in tow. But the first time starts at you, realising you have contributed to this mess, whether intentionally or not. Saying things like 'I've done nothing wrong' isn't helping anything, no matter the context you've written it. Yes you've blocked him and you've done well for that, it's a huge first step.

I have nothing else to add, I have only been replying here because you yourself started the thread. If you don't want replies 'all day' or whatever then don't start a thread.
anyway, all the best. I hope you and your children get to a better place.

I would suggest googling if anywhere runs ‘The Freedom Programme’ anywhere near you or at least buy the book from EBay and read it (keeping it out of sight of your partner)

And I did say I'd been a bit dramatic at first due to emotion. I would also refer to YouTube in the same way, that I believe it's ruining kids, and I hate the phrases they repeat across the country that come from YouTube. My daughter also has adhd, and is always coming out with inappropriate things for shock factor. So she is going to repeat inappropriate things knowing I hate it. But yes, I do understand this is different, but I cannot control what other people say around her. She will be hearing the same things talked about by teenagers soon, all I can do is prevent it where I can, which I have now done.

I didn't choose to get involved with an abusive drug addicts, funnily enough, he didn't introduce himself to me this way. It takes time to see people's true colours, by which point it's often too late. You should understand this if you've also been a victim of abuse.

My baby has been the best thing to happen to me and my daughter. He has changed our lives in the best possible way and was the best decision I've made in years. I had him for us. I gave him a chance to get his act together and he failed. What more is there to say on that front?

Also, my kids don't need help. They are both incredibly happy and intelligent.

Also, extremely hypocritical that you stayed in an abusive relationship until your child was toddler age. Why didn't you escape before the baby was born?

Mumsetters are just like rabid dogs sometimes, and sometimes the only way to respond is with sarcasm because it can get tiresome.

@dinopjsi do understand, I really do. Perhaps my confusion is coming from when you said you ended the relationship with him due to his lies about drugs and alcohol, and then went back and formed a trauma bond and had a baby.
I completely get being swept under the carpet, lied to and trying to see the good in someone but at that point you walk away for good. But it's done now, you have a happy little boy who is your world and yoive made the first steps to get this man out of your life.
blocking someone who threatens suicide isn't easy. I had the same treatment too, to the point he was in a field sending me photos of him by a tree. I called the police and blocked him.
he didn't commit suicide.
it's no easy job being a single mum to young children and sometimes we just want to lash out at the world and blame everything else, and 90% of the blame is on the shitbag of the 'partner' we chose. But we did choose them, at one point. It's an accountability I had to come to terms with that I participated in too.
I genuinely haven't meant to upset you on this thread. And I'm genuinely sorry you feel that way. It's an incredibly touchy topic, for the person who's going through it, and for posters like me out on the other side. And in reality the tough love I was given was the wake up call I needed and I never looked back.
I hope this now will be a fresh start for you and your children as you all desperately need it and deserve it.

you probably don't want to, but my inbox is open to anyone going through this. I will always try and help. Even if it's a bit of tough love sometimes. But it's very easy to feel cornered and in turn lash out at people. It's important to accept some (not the majority) of accountability as it shows the likes of SS and others involved that you are self aware and won't repeat the same patterns again.
good luck, I haven't meant to cause stress and upset. It's easy to downplay actions once others call you / him out. It's a defence mechanism and a tale as old as time. But as I've said, you've done the first big step. But from now on you need honesty, don't overdramatise things because there's a huge difference between ruining your DDs life and her only hearing a few conversations. I'd hazard a guess at it realistically being somewhere between the two.

its hard but take emotions out of it and be factual. It will help with the likes of therapy and any other help you and your children need, and desperately deserve. I genuinely wish you the best.

And to answer your question about why I didn't leave before, I tried. I was going through cancer treatment and spent 168 days non consecutively in hospital at the time. So that's when i reached out to local authorities and with the help of an IDVA worker who deals with domestic abuse, I got out.
abd my ex husband did not have an alcohol or drug past. He was not abusive before we got together or before we had our daughter. If I had known that, I wouldn't have had a baby with him. Which is the difference between my situation and yours. I hope that clears it up a little bit. She was also staying with family when I was in hospital as he was too busy having an affair with a 19yo. Once everything was in the open and I was aware of his destructive behaviours I left with the help of IDVA and filed for divorce the next day. I have never looked back. DD was never exposed to any of the behaviour.

OP, what's done is done. It's the decisions you make FROM TODAY that matter. You sound like you know what needs to happen.

In your shoes I would move away and start a whole new fabulous life for you and your children. I wish you loads of luck.

You need a very thick skin sometimes to post on mumsnet. Please just skip the posts that are non helpful. Remember - they’ll never know your full circumstances through a few written paragraphs, they do not know you. Half, if not most of their opinions are based on projections.
I wouldn’t engage or try to explain.

Focus on the helpful, practical advice and keep moving on. You’ve got this.

The part where you said everybody knows your ex and likes him, and will probably turn on you for denying him contact, is what worries me most. I really think moving away should be a priority (and you don’t need the extra bedroom just now). May be move nearer to your brother’s family? Children really benefit from having extended family members in their everyday lives.

I’d focus on moving away and cutting contact with this dangerous man entirely. Your DD is a vulnerable child with additional needs and your decision to have your DS with this man has meant that you have allowed him access to your lives for the next 18 years. I don’t doubt you love your children but you are currently not seeing how much damage you have done to them so far and how much you need to do to ensure they grow up into being healthy, well adjusted adults. Concentrate on your children you now have and don’t plan any more.

What are pp trying to achieve by tearing the OP to pieces over her parenting, past decisions, and wording of her posts? She came here saying she knows she has a damaging person in her life, that she wants to get him out of her and her kids' lives, but she needs some support to do so. And the responses have been, "you are a terrible mother for having this person in your life." FFS. It's like you just want to give her a good kicking - for what? To prove that YOU would never get yourself into such a situation? Good for you, hun. Now how about developing some compassion and emotional intelligence?

If you really, genuinely care about her "poor kids" then maybe do what OP asked in the first place and give her some support to get them away from this man and his influence. Do you really think you're helping her kids by trashing her mother all day long on the internet? Literally cannot understand people on here sometimes.

CJsGoldfish · Yesterday 21:22
I doubt anyone thought otherwise 🤷‍♀️
You made the choice that this was the father your baby deserved to have, a drug and alcohol addicted loser who has no access to previous children, and can't see why people take issue with your "I've done nothing wrong".
Your choices WILL negatively affect your children, and have already, no matter how much you kid yourself that they won't. They always do, especially in situations where a parent takes no personal responsibility for choices made.
Show quote history

Victim blaming I see. Nice move babes

In what way? How are you a victim? You made the choices you made. Purposefully, despite already having a child you knew needed protection from this drug and alcohol addicted loser.
The rest is just the way it is. Your responses and your rudeness and inability to take any kind of responsibility just confirms it really.
Your children WILL be affected by your choices, have been already. There WILL be negative consequences weather you see that or understand that now or not. The fact that you don't does not bode well for the existing children or the next one. You don't want to hear or accept that, all good 🤷‍♀️

OP hopefully you can set aside the more confrontational posts and focus on the take home message that this man is not remotely father material, he has demonstrated he is not committed to stopping the drugs ( the fact that all his friends are addicts is all you need to know, that is his choice, if he was for real he’d be severing those friendships). He plays the victim card because it works and to be crude, gets him into women’s knickers, and his feet under the table. Luckily your kids are young enough that any damage can be repaired, if they were teenagers it would be a different story, their rebellion would in all likelihood extend to drug taking as he has modelled and normalised that. Model some normal relationships ( it’s telling you have lost all your friends through being with him) so your kids can see addiction really isn’t normal.
I’ve never heard of a trauma bond but the trauma of drug addicted kids would be far worse than anything else. Good luck.

OP I think you might really benefit from attending support groups for relatives/partners of drug and alcohol addicts. Have a look and see what's available. I believe some of these groups are online, too, so you can access them from home.

Ending any relationship is tough, but try and look at it like this. In five, or ten years' time, when he no longer features in your life in the way he does now, and you're in a new, healthy, amazing relationship - what would that future version of yourself want you to do right now? Would that version of you be pleased that you stayed, kept going back, dragging out the inevitable (and making the break up so much worse), or, would they want you to be brave, break up, go no (or low) contact and start healing?

OP I think you might really benefit from attending support groups for relatives/partners of drug and alcohol addicts. Have a look and see what's available. I believe some of these groups are online, too, so you can access them from home.

Ending any relationship is tough, but try and look at it like this. In five, or ten years' time, when he no longer features in your life in the way he does now, and you're in a new, healthy, amazing relationship - what would that future version of yourself want you to do right now? Would that version of you be pleased that you stayed, kept going back, dragging out the inevitable (and making the break up so much worse), or, would they want you to be brave, break up, go no (or low) contact and start healing?