Partners lifestyle ruining my 8yo

[dinopjs]

So firstly, I'll start by saying that he is not her father. He father is not in her life and never has been, so the only male in her life is my partner.

We started a relationship nearly 4 years ago. At the time, I was unaware of his drug and alcohol issues. I ended it with him some time after due to his lying about the issues, but we stayed in contact and developed what I can only describe as a trauma bond. My daughter had very little to do with him during this time and the whole thing was a mess.

I then fell pregnant by him, and consequently we now have a child together (8 months old). Since the birth of our child, the relationship itself has improved and he has managed to stay in consistent work, so I have given it a proper chance and allowed him into our lives at an attempt to build a proper family. We do not live together though as I won't allow it in my home, and he has quite a temper (although never violent). His family have a history of drug and alcohol problems, his parents were both drug addicts while he was growing up, his father died of it, his mum got clean, but he and his brother now both suffer with the same issues.

He doesn't drink every day, it's roughly every 3 days or when he's having a bad day, sometimes when he's having a good day such as payday. When he drinks, he also takes drugs and gambles. All of his friends have severe drug issues, so it's rife within his environment. I do understand this makes it harder for him to get away from, however, my empathy can only go so far now that I'm seeing the impact on my children.

Since the birth of our child and him spending much more time around us, he consistently talks about drink and drugs around my 8 year old. The amount of times I've had to pull him up on it is a joke now, to be honest. It's now at the stage where it's become normalised to my child and she talks and jokes about drink and drugs. It makes me absolutely sick.

I want to end it with him, but I don't know how to stand my ground and stick with it. I've tried so many times, hence why I believe there is a trauma bond here for me. I was in a bad place when I met him, he made it worse for me. I'm in a better place now but I am quite lonely. Since the relationship with him, I have gradually lost all of my friends. I have raised our child completely alone, with only some financial support from him.

For the record, I do not drink or do drugs, and I'm so worried and angry that it's managed to become so normalised to my child through someone who she isn't even biologically related to, and I want to break his family's cycle for my son before he follows the same fate.

How do I do it? How do I stay strong enough to walk away from him completely.

Are you seeing a therapist or is this something you have done in the past? I can understand it is hard to cut yourself off from someone you feel a connection with, but as you’ve pointed out he is having a bad affect on your child. Do try and get some help for yourself and your child and don’t let him in your house anymore. Therapy could be really helpful in understanding why you are letting him in your life and breaking away from
him.

Stop making excuses saying you need therapy.

Get this man out of your life.

Enough with the "trauma bond" and therapy talk. Get this drug addicted, gambling loser out of your poor daughter's life. Why on earth did you breed with him?

OP - it is actually YOUR lifestyle that is putting your dd at risk because you are the person who is bringing this man into her life.

What will you say when she makes one of these 'joke' comments about drink and drugs at school or at a friend's house? You could well end up as the focus of safeguarding investigation.

The guilt about keeping the baby from him: That 'guilt' is not yours. It's his because it is his relationship with drink and drugs and his anger management that makes him totally unsuitable to care for a child. You can afford to feel PROUD of yourself if you protect both your children from this. The guilt is HIS.

Would he fight for access? I could agree to supervised access but there is no way ever I would allow him to be alone caring for baby or young child. I'd be telling him that if he tries I would be telling the police about his habits.

Actually - have you got evidence of his drug use? Get some and keep it.

But most of all - get rid of him.

im out.
You're still enabling him and feeling guilty for HIS actions. HE can make a choice not to be a shit drug addict dad.
I have nothing else to say.

You need to feel less guilty about “denying him a child” and worry more about what effect this is having on your kids. Sorry that’s harsh I know, but it’s the bottom line. He will always chose drink and drugs over you or his child. He won’t even be thinking about you. Time you put the kids and you first for once.

Maybe if social services took your children off you you might wake up and leave this useless man instead of making up stuff about trauma bonds.

I'm a school safeguarding lead /headteacher.

If you are able to, go into you DD school and speak to the safeguarding team. Tell them what you have written in your OP or just pass it to them to read. If SS are dithering, ask them to refer you for help- at least a early help plan. If it gets there, you need to look at Worth Services or an IDVA (if any signs of abuse). I would also recommend looking at the Freedom Programme. You need to build on your on self-worth and resilience to break free of these dependency patterns.
That's the only way you will break this cycle.

You’re equally culpable for bringing this man into your young child’s life, and bringing a further child into this mess. You’re a joke of a mother

Realistically, you and your children are better off without him, than with him in your lives.

A bad dad is not somehow better than no dad. That’s what I think anyway. Good luck x

Your 8 year old talking about drink and drugs is not okay. You’ve allowed it to become normalised. You need to end it.

Instead of thinking what you're "denying" this man, what are you denying your daughter? If you're going to have any guilt it should be for her.

Obviously it's unthinkable to imagine life without your son. But still, just for a second imagine how your daughter's life journey might have been different if you hadn't brought this druggie into her life, and kept him there for 4 years.

This thread makes me so sad and so mad. These are your children. They have one childhood. Protect them.

I think you need to take some accountability here. This isn’t because of a trauma bond or any of that nonsense. It’s because of what you’ve chosen for yourself and your children. I say this as a recovering alcoholic myself, no one was keeping me drinking but me, and the only person who could get me out of it was me. Like me, you’ve got yourself and your dc into this situation, and now you have to get all of you out.

You have to just say it, send a text message if you need to. And make sure you all are safe or you have someone who can come stay with you. And you need some therapy. Your youngest is too little, but your older one needs support, both from having a dad who walked out on her and all this chaos. School will be a good resource and should be able to connect you with a therapist who can work with her in school. Put yourself first. Grey rock and don’t engage even if he is using heavily. You need to create a safe home for your children above everything else.

You have started this thread as you recognise the risk of potential harm to your 8 year old daughter, and are keen to end the relationship. That is a positive and very important step.

Are you clear on the extent of the damage that being exposed to this man is doing to your daughter?

By raising her in this environment she is being exposed to adverse childhood experiences putting her at high risk of abusing drugs and alcohol herself, having sexual experiences at a young age, engaging in risky sexual behaviours, and being at higher risk of sexual exploitation.
She is also at risk of experiencing sexual and domestic violence in her adult life due to these behaviours being normalised having seen them in the home setting.
Additionally, it is more than likely that her academic attainment and behaviour at school will be impacted in the here and now.

This should frighten you. It is full on red alert and a time for action. The period of feeling sorry for this man and delaying things has long passed.

Trauma bonding is something you say when you're both teenagers, not when you have a child with a druggie!

You have kept your daughter in this constant upheaval for half her life, allowing drink and drugs chat to become part of her daily life. You NEED this man away from you and your children; you should take any intervention SS suggest with both hands

Well done for reaching out, OP - you know that this man is bad for your children and bad for you, and you need support to break away from him. I expect that both you and he had bad childhoods but only he has ended up on drugs and drinking to excess - you managed not to do that, and you're not responsible for his crap choices. It's time to get some help - contact Women's Aid, the school safeguard lead, do the Freedom Programme, ask your gp to refer you for counselling, talk to any family or friends who you trust to support you. Get people around you who can help you stay strong and stick to your decision to separate fully from him.

Definitely this

Yes exactly this! Cut the cod psychology and sort yourself out.
contact women’s aid and get yourself on the freedom programme.

Well done for reaching out, OP.

I think distance is the perfect solution for situations like that. Is this man named on the birth certificate of your baby at all?
Seek advice re dad’s right to supervised visitations (if it’s something he decides to pursue), agree a place where he can do that, and move away further without telling him your new location. It sounds like you don’t have friends and family where you live now so I really hope you can just pack up and go and have a wonderful fresh start with your new babies.

Some people on here are very harsh but please keep posting as a few have invaluable advice and even similar experience.
Best of luck.

Just caught up. I think some posters have misunderstood slightly in that my daughter has not been around him for four years. Only since the birth of my son, and even then he doesn't live with us. But when we see him, he talks too much of his issues infront of her, and there lies the problem currently. By walking away now, there is no lasting damage done. All of the reasons somebody has listed above, re what lies for her in her future if this carries on, are why I am choosing the option of walking away now, and came here to look for support and strength in doing so.

To the other pp's - He is named on the birth certificate, yes, however, has already said that he wouldn't go through court if I stopped him seeing him. He has been through that before with older children from a previous relationship and has said he doesn't want to go through it again. I hope that's true. He has also threatened to kill himself should I take him away.
I am due to move one day so that my son can have his own bedroom as I'm currently in a 2 bed, I have already considered moving away.

Thank you to all who have replied.

Why on earth did you choose to be with and have a baby with an alcoholic, a drug addict, someone who has a violent temper and most of all, can't be arsed to fight for access to see his older children!? What a fucking prince! And here you are feeling guilty for... him?

you need to open your eyes OP. You have chosen this path now just as much as him.
mind blown at you choosing this life for your children

You're absolutely right that he needs to be kept out of all your lives. He is not fit to be a father, or a partner. Well done for recognising that this must happen.
Forget about things like "trauma bond" for the moment, this is definitely something that can be addressed later, when you and the children are safe. For now, you need to concentrate on the nuts and bolts of getting him out.
Start with housing - deny him access to your home. Use whatever means you have to stop him living there, or coming round for any reason.
Then with contact - stop all contact with him except through one of the parenting apps.
Then friends and family - you need allies, not enablers or excuse-makers. Reach out to trustworthy people.
Tell everyone you know that your relationship is over, don't backtrack. Tell them why - that he's an abusive addict who won't address the harm that his addictions are causing. Don't let them minimise.
Be strong and remember that this is for your children - so they get to grow up without the shadow of addiction ruining their chance at a normal adulthood. You owe it to them.

Your sympathies need to go towards your children who have been exposed to this. He’s had a child and is still continuing to choose to use drugs therefore he is choosing to not be a good parent to his child. Cut contact now before you find yourself in 10 years time dealing with a child/children who are using drugs because it’s become normalised to them.

You are still misunderstanding. I did say in my original post that I ended it with him once I found out. We stayed in contact, and my daughter was not involved with him. Over time, we began a relationship again based on his lies that he didn't drink anymore. As I've said, there was a lot of emotional abuse involved, compulsive lying and very narcissistic behaviours. I considered an abortion, but chose to have the baby for myself and so that my daughter could have a sibling, which I do not regret in the slightest, so your anger aimed at me having the baby is fruitless. I have already stated that I cut off from him during the pregnancy and got SS involved. I actually have done absolutely nothing wrong tbh. I gave him a chance as he'd made many changes since the birth, however, I can see now that recovery from drink and drugs is not easy or an overnight thing, and I don't want to put my kids through it. You're very angry considering you've not taken in the full facts of how much distance me and the kids have actually had from him, or how I've stated that the only negative effect it's had so far is talking about it around them over a small matter of time, which is my reason for wanting to put a complete end to it all now, so that it's not ongoing or normalised. He did fight for his older children, and was given access, including overnights. He stopped returning to court when she continued to not meet him with them, and he eventually gave up. Hence why he doesn't want to go through that again.
You are portraying this all very differently to how I've clearly described the situation.