Partners lifestyle ruining my 8yo

[dinopjs]

So firstly, I'll start by saying that he is not her father. He father is not in her life and never has been, so the only male in her life is my partner.

We started a relationship nearly 4 years ago. At the time, I was unaware of his drug and alcohol issues. I ended it with him some time after due to his lying about the issues, but we stayed in contact and developed what I can only describe as a trauma bond. My daughter had very little to do with him during this time and the whole thing was a mess.

I then fell pregnant by him, and consequently we now have a child together (8 months old). Since the birth of our child, the relationship itself has improved and he has managed to stay in consistent work, so I have given it a proper chance and allowed him into our lives at an attempt to build a proper family. We do not live together though as I won't allow it in my home, and he has quite a temper (although never violent). His family have a history of drug and alcohol problems, his parents were both drug addicts while he was growing up, his father died of it, his mum got clean, but he and his brother now both suffer with the same issues.

He doesn't drink every day, it's roughly every 3 days or when he's having a bad day, sometimes when he's having a good day such as payday. When he drinks, he also takes drugs and gambles. All of his friends have severe drug issues, so it's rife within his environment. I do understand this makes it harder for him to get away from, however, my empathy can only go so far now that I'm seeing the impact on my children.

Since the birth of our child and him spending much more time around us, he consistently talks about drink and drugs around my 8 year old. The amount of times I've had to pull him up on it is a joke now, to be honest. It's now at the stage where it's become normalised to my child and she talks and jokes about drink and drugs. It makes me absolutely sick.

I want to end it with him, but I don't know how to stand my ground and stick with it. I've tried so many times, hence why I believe there is a trauma bond here for me. I was in a bad place when I met him, he made it worse for me. I'm in a better place now but I am quite lonely. Since the relationship with him, I have gradually lost all of my friends. I have raised our child completely alone, with only some financial support from him.

For the record, I do not drink or do drugs, and I'm so worried and angry that it's managed to become so normalised to my child through someone who she isn't even biologically related to, and I want to break his family's cycle for my son before he follows the same fate.

How do I do it? How do I stay strong enough to walk away from him completely.

Agreed. He has made his choice, I have given him enough time and not seen enough of the changes I have requested from him, and I don't want to see my son follow the same path and the men in his family.

I'm not misunderstanding at all and my anger isn't to do with you having a baby.
you're the one saying you feel guilty and feel bad. You invited him back into your life despite a murky past. You feel stuck and excuse it on a 'trauma bond' when in reality you're not putting your children first.
you also went on to have a baby with him knowing he doesn't see his elder children.

my anger isn't direct at you having a baby, it's directed at the lack of effort to put your children first and despite with multiple posters here saying the same thing, you're still feeling guilty and excusing his vile behaviour. Do better.

No, you are misunderstanding, because I'm not making excuses for him at all. I have been asked why I felt guilty, and I've given my reasons. Not excuses. Reasons. I have also stated in my original post that the empathy is becoming lost as I choose to prioritise my childrens futures. I described the trauma bond as a reason for staying in contact with him through the years when initially I was in a bad place and he chose to impact me emotionally, sorry if I hadn't made that clear, but I was referring to the past. I did state in my op that I'm in a better place now.

Sorry for any confusion.

If you’ve had so much distance why is your 8 year old joking about drugs and drink? You don’t seem to recognise how fucked up that is.

She doesn't see it at all. If she was that clear she wouldn't need to post. She would take her kids and go and not give a damn about him or how he 'didn't choose a rough childhood'

You need to cut contact with him all together, otherwise you'll just end up back with him (and risk bringing a 3rd child into this). Any contact can go via a 3rd party if needed and he can see his son supervised in a contact centre. No need for you to have any direct contact with him at all.

I’m a bit surprised that SW haven’t been straight forward with the OP if she keeps this man in her life she runs the risk of losing her children, no matter that he doesn’t live with them and OP limits contact there is harm being caused especially to the oldest child. Have the children been identified as Children in Need yet, it sounds like it might be only a matter of time if OP is not able to prioritise their welfare over keeping an alcoholic partner involved due to “ trauma bonding”.

If you weren’t excusing his behaviour and excusing your own behaviour then you wouldn’t be in this position. 4 years is a very long time of excuses that has led to your child being exposed to an aggressive drug addict and now another poor child will have to grow up with him as his father. If SS find out that you keep getting back involved with him then they will view you as a mother who is failing to safeguard her children.

You need to contact social services: they can put the kids in fostercare allowing you to visit until you leave him and while you get therapy. What your dp is doing is child abuse.

I didn’t read your entire post because - honestly - the only sensible thing to do if your ‘partner’, the other parent of your child, has any kind of substance abuse issue, is to leave them and not look back until they have completely recovered.

There is nothing but damage here for your kids if you keep this person in their lives. I actually think alcoholism is worse than hard illegal drugs because the lines of ‘acceptable’ are so so blurred and your post highlights exactly this. You need to see it the same way you would see a crack addiction or heroin addiction. Get away from it and don’t let this be in your children’s’ lives. There are strong genetic markers for alcoholism aswell so combined with learnt behaviour traits I’d be making sure my child had as little contact as possible with the addict parent.
good luck to you xx

I have written a couple of times now that since the birth of my son, he's been around to see him and speaks of his issues which she overhears. One poster accused me of upheaving her life for four years. This is why I have to make it clear. It only takes a couple of conversations to be had around an 8 year old for them to repeat things.

So again, why is she around him? Ever?

Read up on Adverse Childhood Experiences. Then ring social services for their help. Your kids should be your number one concern, not this angry drug addicted loser.

SS are aware there is contact and it hasn't been discouraged due to the fact that he doesn't live with us, doesn't have him alone, visits are minimal, my daughter does exceptionally well in school, he gets help with his issues (even if it doesn't seem to work), and us 3 have a happy, healthy homelife. I don't really need to excuse my behaviour tbh because I haven't done anything wrong in the eyes of SS. I have let him see his son supervised, and he's said some stupid, thoughtless stuff which I don't agree with, hence I am putting an end to it.

It's starting to come across you're just trolls who choose to disregard the information I've given and have nothing better to do. Considering this has been posted in the alcohol support thread, in which there are many, many posts by alcoholic mothers. I advise you choose to direct your anger towards those posts as you're not on target here. I've made it very clear that there is no impact on my children, albeit just a few stupid comments. Good day to you all

All these fucked up children!

Maybe you do have a ‘trauma bond’ but you are causing a lifetime of trauma for both of your children. Both of you are but you can stop it, you can stop it right now but you won’t.

Yours sincerely,

A grown up who was dragged up by an addict and a parent that made excuses about how hard it was to leave.

Your op suggests that he’s verbally aggressive, he glorifies his addictions and his whole family and lifestyle revolves around things that aren’t ok for dc. Your dd is copying his language. Wake up.

He's not raising them, let alone 'dragging them up', but thanks for your input.

he consistently talks about drink and drugs around my 8 year old. The amount of times I've had to pull him up on it is a joke now, to be honest.

This isn't an eight year old repeating "a couple of converstations" she overheard. You need to be honest with yourself.

Read your first post and then read this one. It's done a 180 in your efforts to minimise.

And this is why you're in the position you're in. Once you're ready to fully accept the truth and not make excuses and reasons it's "not actually that bad', then you might be ready to put your children first.

No, my first post was very emotional due to being extremely angry at the time.
Since then, I've told him he's not to be around either child and blocked him.
I've then had to deal with a lot of mumsnetters unloaidng anger onto me when a) I've done nothing wrong b) this is supposed to be a group for alcohol support. I guarantee most that have commented are not part of the thread, they've just jumped on because they have nothing better to do. Kinda twisted really.

Hi OP, you came here looking for support and instead it seems like you've got a load of self-righteous idiots who just want to kick someone when she's down. Just ignore them if you can. I think you've made clear your priority going forwards is your kids, which is as it should be.

You need to get some support in real life - a therapist might be a good call. Have you ever done the Freedom Programme? This also might be a good thing for you. I hear this man has isolated you from friends and family - is there anyone you could reach out to who you think would understand? Or anyone in your life who could be a friend to you? I think you need to make it clear that the relationship is over and block his phone number so he can't message you or call. Definitely look into moving asap. You should have an email address that he can contact you on to arrange seeing your baby, and this ideally should be done through a contact centre.

I know it might sound silly, but chatgpt might be helpful in the meantime? Ask it to give you a step by step plan to get away from this relationship for good. It can't take the place of a (good) therapist, but you can certainly use it to help put positive steps in place in the meantime. Good luck and strength to you.

I didn’t say that he was. You are exposing your children to this ‘lifestyle’.

You’ve said a few times about the topic that you’ve posted in. Who are you expecting to answer you? People that have experience of your situation? Hello!

Your first post was rightly emotional because the situation is hugely distressing, and you know this on some level. Your job is not to seek support with an alcohol problem, you've not got a problem with alcohol as far as you've mentioned.

You have got a problem with who you allow access to your children and the ramifications it is having on them. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone here, but the response you've had is fairly fitting to the situation you've described. Seek professional support.

Throwing suicide threats around is shocking manipulative behaviour.

Interestingly he doesn’t seem to have killed himself in the face of not seeing his other children.

Having been through it before you might think he would change his behaviour in order to be a safe co-parent rather than try and blackmail you into allowing him to be a drink / drugged / angry parent who talks about drunk and drugs in front of children.

Just caught up. I think some posters have misunderstood slightly in that my daughter has not been around him for four years. Only since the birth of my son, and even then he doesn't live with us

OK but in your op you described this man as "the only male in her life". This implies your dd is much closer to him than, say, any of her male schoolteachers. So he must be pretty close to her.

You also describe him as your partner.

In later posts you are downplaying how much influence this unsuitable man is having on your daughter's life.

I think you're trying to reassure yourself that it's not as bad as these mumsnetters are making out.