Partners lifestyle ruining my 8yo

[dinopjs]

So firstly, I'll start by saying that he is not her father. He father is not in her life and never has been, so the only male in her life is my partner.

We started a relationship nearly 4 years ago. At the time, I was unaware of his drug and alcohol issues. I ended it with him some time after due to his lying about the issues, but we stayed in contact and developed what I can only describe as a trauma bond. My daughter had very little to do with him during this time and the whole thing was a mess.

I then fell pregnant by him, and consequently we now have a child together (8 months old). Since the birth of our child, the relationship itself has improved and he has managed to stay in consistent work, so I have given it a proper chance and allowed him into our lives at an attempt to build a proper family. We do not live together though as I won't allow it in my home, and he has quite a temper (although never violent). His family have a history of drug and alcohol problems, his parents were both drug addicts while he was growing up, his father died of it, his mum got clean, but he and his brother now both suffer with the same issues.

He doesn't drink every day, it's roughly every 3 days or when he's having a bad day, sometimes when he's having a good day such as payday. When he drinks, he also takes drugs and gambles. All of his friends have severe drug issues, so it's rife within his environment. I do understand this makes it harder for him to get away from, however, my empathy can only go so far now that I'm seeing the impact on my children.

Since the birth of our child and him spending much more time around us, he consistently talks about drink and drugs around my 8 year old. The amount of times I've had to pull him up on it is a joke now, to be honest. It's now at the stage where it's become normalised to my child and she talks and jokes about drink and drugs. It makes me absolutely sick.

I want to end it with him, but I don't know how to stand my ground and stick with it. I've tried so many times, hence why I believe there is a trauma bond here for me. I was in a bad place when I met him, he made it worse for me. I'm in a better place now but I am quite lonely. Since the relationship with him, I have gradually lost all of my friends. I have raised our child completely alone, with only some financial support from him.

For the record, I do not drink or do drugs, and I'm so worried and angry that it's managed to become so normalised to my child through someone who she isn't even biologically related to, and I want to break his family's cycle for my son before he follows the same fate.

How do I do it? How do I stay strong enough to walk away from him completely.

If a man I knew was addicted to drugs and threatening to kill himself, would I be thinking

A) I must keep facilitating contact with my kids for the sake of this suicidal addict's well being (including a girl who isn't his daughter, and a son who's too young to miss him particularly)

Or

B) I must keep him separate from my kids because I don't want them around this kind of volatility.

I'd like to think I'd go for option B, but I have never had a baby with an addict so I can't be sure

Exactly this. The back peddle is so evident!

Thank you for your supportive comment. I was in touch with a program local to my area whom the midwives referred me to, however, they closed my case as the most they could recognise from my situation was that he was emotionally manipulative.

Funnily enough, I bumped into an old friend today. As it's been on my mind all day, I let it all out to her and she made all sorts of comments I didn't agree with, such as that I wouldn't find another man to take on 2 kids. I told her I didn't want another man and she joked about me being alone forever then. She told me no man is perfect and the kids are too young to be affected and to keep him around for financial help. So that got me nowhere. Nobody I speak to about it in real life understands. Only my brother, who doesn't live close enough to offer real support. A lot of people in my area know him, and despite knowing of his problems, everybody has only really seen his good side, so I don't really get much understanding. They also know of his past struggles with having his older kids taken off him, and he's told me a number of times how everybody would view me if I did it to him again. It just makes me want to move away, which I will probably do. I do have a therapist who is aware of the situation, however, I haven't had any contact with them since the baby's been born. I've been so caught up with baby stuff, taking care of my daughter and being sleep deprived etc, that I hadn't even thought to call them. I will do so now. Thank you.

OP posters like myself who you are accusing of trolling DO understand. I have been where you are and I got myself out of it! I am telling you from my own lived personal experiences.

if you don't want to hear it or to face reality, then that's the exact reason why you're here all these years later. I am not trying to offend or upset you. I got out before SS involvement. Before it had any impact on my daughter. It was soul destroying at times and incredibly tough. But you HAVE to cut all emotional ties. Stop excusing him (using his childhood for example)

you've blocked him, that's the first step. But you need to keep him blocked and report any violence or harassment to the police. Your poor daughter has been subject to this whether you see it or not.

Get away from him before you lose your kids over this waste of space.

No, this is an example of why I say there's misunderstandings. I don't consider school teachers to be 'males in her life'. I called him that because he is the only male in her personal life. It doesn't have to mean they are close.

Partner is probably pushing it, as, in a 'partnership', things should be equal. They are far from equal here. He has not played a single part in raising the baby. My daughter has even commented that all he does is give a 2 min video call to the baby. That should give you an idea of how 'close' the relationship is.
We probably see him once or twice a week, realistically. He never stays over or spends more than a few hours at my house. I never go to his as it's not suitable. I really am not minimising it, and there is little chance for his issues to affect or influence the kids bar how he talks around them. I have told him to stop it, and I've now had enough. I don't feel I'm downplaying it, I'm being honest about the situation. I'm really angry that my daughter has heard what she has, and as a child, she thinks its funny to repeat 'naughty' things, but it isn't funny to me and I am very aware that if it continues, these things will be normalised before she even understands what they are.

I'm genuinely doing nothing wrong. I don't necessarily need to reassure myself, because I'm very aware of what is and isn't happening here, and I'm not allowing the things that are happening to continue. I mentioned other posts within the alcohol support thread because there are plenty of posts about alcohol users and alcoholic partners living with the kids etc and they've not received any sort of backlash like my post has. Bit of a joke considering the truth of my situation, which I've tried to detail here but hasn't really been taken on board. The absolute only thing my daughter has been exposed to is the way he casually talks about drink and drugs, which makes me sick to my stomach because I'm not having it normalised to my kids like it is in his family, but I'm not going to sit here and let it continue until it's actually a problem.

I'm genuinely doing nothing wrong.

There’s none so blind as those that will not see…

🙄

No, this is an example of why I say there's misunderstandings. I don't consider school teachers to be 'males in her life'. I called him that because he is the only male in her personal life. It doesn't have to mean they are close.

What about her uncle?

This unrelated and highly unsuitable man should not be closer to your dd than her uncle.

Geographical distance is irrelevant - my dc's grandma lives on another continent (5000 miles away) and they'd still list her in their top 10 closest family members.

This isn't me just having a go - it's in your power to bring these suitable people closer into your life, and remove the druggie ex

He has his own life. He doesn't live nearby and has 6 children himself with his wife. She would consider him her no1 man in her life, but in terms of contact, we don't see him often. In fact, if you want to list it that way, my dad would also come first. But again, he's someone we rarely see as he's not nearby.

Another example of misunderstandings here, I suppose.

It's not how I want to list the men in your life - it's how you are listing them.

It could be that you yourself have already changed your mindset since starting this thread (in a good way) - in the op, this man is your partner, and the only male in dd's life.

Now, only hours later, he is "blocked", forbidden from seeing the kids, has barely known your daughter really, and is less close than her uncle and grandad.

That's good. I think this thread is doing its job and helping you feel that your ex is not necessary in your life

@dinopjs You made a significant and important step in starting this thread, and I applaud you for that. It would not have been easy to write.

However, I must be direct about your repeated focus on the phrase "I have done nothing wrong." This is concerning.

If you are unable to admit you've made a mistake in involving your daughter with a man whose life is so troubled and dysfunctional, it suggests you still don't grasp the gravity of the situation and the risks your daughter faces. Your ability to protect her as the responsible parent you clearly aspire to be relies entirely on confronting the reality of what you exposed her to.

You've also stated your belief that no harm has been done and that walking away now will leave her totally unscathed. I must remind you that this is not possible to know. Many of the most serious impacts of this kind of childhood trauma - risky sexual behaviour, addiction, and mental health issues - often don't fully present themselves until the teenage years and adulthood.

Your belief that things aren't that bad yet is an attempt to minimise the impact of having this man around your children. You need to stop focusing on your defence. Instead, accept these warnings as truth, and focus entirely on protecting your children, getting help, and getting out.

We have a drug addict and alcoholic on my husband's side of the family. Yes, he had a crap Dad (like many other children out there) but has a wonderful Mum who has tried her absolute best. He plays the victim all the time, it's 'poor me', never mind the hell he's put his Mum through over the years or the abundance of other family support/rehab he's had. He lies, and his only priorities in life are himself, drugs and booze. The only person who can help your partner is your partner. If having a child isn't going to make him 'see the light', then I'm sorry to say nothing will. You are on a road to nowhere trying to facilitate a relationship with him. Your priority has to be your children, you are the only responsible adult they have in their life. It's good you have got SS involved. Your partner, or should I say EX partner, can have access to his child, but supervised at a contact centre and only if he's 'clean'. Other comments are correct, you need therapy, because you've made several poor decisions, that have put yourself and child into this situation. You don't want to be making the same mistakes going forward in another relationship. Concentrate on yourself (and children), stay single for at least a year (if not longer) and to heal emotionally. You are going to need to dig deep, and be strong for your children. End the relationship.

Important correction: it's not his fault that he grew up with drug addict parents.

His current choices for drink, drugs and tendency towards violence and suboptimal behaviour that are going to result in him losing his partner and child are HIS responsibility. They actually are his fault.

He got dealt a shit start in life AND he has chosen the easy path of continuing along that route. Plenty of people choose the hard path and claw their way out of it. So it's not your fault if he loses his child, it's on him. And lady if you're not careful, you will lose your children yourself, and that will be on you, if you continue to choose to stay with him.

"I'm genuinely doing nothing wrong."

Oh darling.

What support are you getting for your BPD? What extra support might be possible that you aren't currently getting?

I wouldn’t let him anywhere near an 8 month old baby! He’s forfeited any right to be a parent, prioritising drugs, alcohol and gambling over his child.

Tbf I'm under rediagnosis for ADHD. I have a therapist for bpd but its highly suspected I was misdiagnosed. My assessment is soon.

By doing nothing wrong, I mean it as a defence to the dozens of women who have attacked me at a vulnerable time. I shouldn't have become involved with him, but then I wouldn't have my son, who I adore and who brings so much joy. By doing nothing wrong, I mean I do not drink at all. I do not do drugs. I do nothing but quite literally slave over my children as a single parent and I am exhausted. He is the one at wrong, and if he didn't exist, I'd be a pretty model parent tbh. I just wont stand to be attacked the way I have when I keep him at arms length as it. I was given the green light by SS to let him have supervised contact with my son. Yet all you lot think you know better than SS, who have been in my home and assessed the situation for themselves, after I contacted them and was open about everything. Anyway, no need for any more replies here. He won't be having even supervised contact anymore.

I think what people are struggling to express is that even your daughter thinking it’s weird the father rarely sees his baby is damaging.

These are things that can’t be changed now obviously, but how you let men treat you is teaching her how men will treat her.

You might have adhd but I wouldn’t discount the bpd. You have a trauma background and say you are trauma bonded. That is very common for bpd.

This.

You didn't magically get pregnant, you made a decision not to use contraception.

Then you made the decision to continue the pregnancy knowing you'd tie yourself to this disaster of a man for 18 yrs +... and worse you decided on behalf of your oldest to do the same to her.
You also decided to inflict this man on your second child by informing g him of thr pregnancy and continuing contact...

the list goes on.

You are failing your children.
You need to get him out of your life and a grip on the situation.

I wouldn't be taking the fact social services isnt fussed a sign of anything
It's hardly the gold star standard for parenting... SS bar in way below inadequate parenting somewhere in between child's in danger and child's life at risk bother they bother to do much of anything. That's a phenomenally low bar...

I don't have a trauma background, and haven't once said that I have.

Actually guess what else, I planned the baby.

Why?

Genuinely...

Youd have been better off shagging a stranger in the toilets of a nightclub

I don't go clubbing

Rigghht... So you can be facetious aa you like on here but cant manage to tell this utter loser who by your own admission is damaging your child to fuck off... 👍

How do I do it? How do I stay strong enough to walk away from him completely.

In simplest terms...
You Tell him to fuck off and if he wants contact with his child he'll need to take you to court and if he ever bothers he should know you will refuse to facilitate or supervise any contact As you never want to see him again.
When you dont "feel strong" 🙄 ask yourself out loud "why am i okay with totally failing my kids for this loser POS?"

HTH.

You have a trauma background by being in a relationship and having a child when in a relationship with domestic violence, drugs and alcohol.

and again, domestic violence doesn't necessarily need to be physical. He's violent and has a temper. He is mentally abusive as he threatens suicide.

being with someone like that is traumatic. The fact that you're not seeing it's trauma indicates it too.

which is all being done in front of your children.

you need to open your eyes OP. Just because SS gave you the 'green light' it holds no merit to how much of a good parent you are. All those poor children that end up dead and failed by SS. Not saying that's going to be your child, but it's a pretty low bar and should not be used to set parenting boundaries and self victories.