Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

Hello everyone I haven’t checked in for a while. I hope you’ve all managed to have a relatively peaceful Christmas although judging by some of the posts it doesn’t sound like it.
Ours was ok but my mum was problematic again. Fairly well behaved on Christmas Day up to a point but then she excused herself to pop home (she lives down the road) and after that she seemed to go downhill fast so I suspect she’d gone home for more booze.
The worst part was when we went to the pantomime on Boxing Day. It’s a family tradition although she hasn’t been able to come for a few years. As soon as we got into the theatre she went to the bar to order drinks and ice creams and predictably got herself a glass of wine while everyone else was on coke or water. Then excused herself for the loo 15 minutes before the interval and never came back in. Found her sat in the bar. Ordered another glass of wine and then became annoying and obnoxious for the second half of the pantomime. I’m not surprised but it still blows my mind how people can think it’s ok to drink at such an event with your own grandchildren. A stark reminder that I should just never expect normality.
Compared to some of the posters here I feel like my situation is not as bad. At least I can escape or limit contact and I’m not responsible for her. Even so I find it bitterly disappointing and quite heartbreaking to see her behave this way time and time again.

Well easy to say but probably not that easy to do.
Had a terrible day yesterday and I made an emergency appointment at the gps this morning for him.
He was already pretty drunk and having what I think of as tantrum like panic attacks. I believe these are performative as they seem only to occur for my eyes no one else's and I think he believes them to be evidence of him withdrawing from alcohol
I am by no means an expert but surely you can only have withdrawals if you haven't drank any booze?
As I knew he had a bottle of wine overnight plus at least one beer I saw him with this morning how can the shaking fits be withdrawals?
Anyho the gp saw him gave him more sleeping tablets( horray!) upped his anti depressants and apparently reiterated Many times how he's not to go "cold turkey " , how I hate that phrase. To me it just translates to keep drinking.
Anyway this evening has been calmer
I'm sleeping in a separate bedroom which is so much better and I'll see how it goes.
Good luck to you all just a few more days of this forced excuse time of year to booze as much as possible and back to ordinary time hell!

For everyone asking none of his family would have him to stay. They're all happy to bury their heads in the sand & not acknowledge the extent of his drinking when it's my problem to deal with, but they know exactly how bad he is & wouldn't have it in their house.
The police have removed him before but its difficult with being married, I've been told that even though its only my name on the mortgage its his home & i can't refuse him access. That's why once we get to the new year i'm going to pay for some proper legal advice from a specialist, not the generic work helpline. I feel once I have this the decisions can start to be made.
Im still terrified of making the changes but I look at myself 11 years ago & myself now & ask which one I'd be happy to be in another 11 years & there is my answer!

I'm thinking of you I hope you're new year is at least calm xxx

Wishing all of you on here a New Year in which you move forward on the journeys you are on, whether that's getting out, getting over or just getting on with life.

Peace and happiness to you all.

This time last year, Ex was using coke about 4 or 5 times per week along with his 30 units per day. I was out of my mind worried, bewildered, sick with anxiety and stress, desperately enabling and constantly covering up. I’m am so relieved that this year I am entering the new year separated from him having been no contact now for two months (well, other than the strop where I sent him back screenshots of his abusive messages when he sent me one of his random update ones). I put up with so much in 2025, and went back so many times. Hoping 2026 is so much better for me. Wishing everyone freedom and happiness xx

Wow thats really impressive good for you although im sure theres a lot of PTSD that goes along with that?
Happy new year to all of you thankyou for all the support and love ( i really feel there has been love!)
Let's hope 3026 brings some joy and happiness

I have read all your messages and it it resonates soo much. We have had a good Christmas and new year, but it has totally changerd our lives. For those of you who mentioned PTSD, I strongly believe that is a thing. The trauma and after effects are awful, from the drinking, the impact on both work lives and the constant worry, the constant worry

Happy New Year all you on here - those just beginning this shitty journey of living/having an addict in your life, those right in the thick of it where it is relentless, and those incredible souls who have come out the other end and are rebuilding their lives. Salute and thank you all for this priceless thread.

Good wishes to all for the resolution you need in 2026. 🪴

Thank you @pointythings for this thread

happy new year

mine was good as not with ex anymore

and no shouting or abuse etc

so it can happen. Take steps to make your and your kids life better (if have young kids)

no it’s not easy but we are far happier now

2025 was the year of multiple attempts to leave and getting drawn back into the crazy in the hope I could help this time (hope based enabler here). 2024 was the year of various rehab attempts and multiple relapses. 2023 was the year the spiral began. 2026 I hope will be the entire addict free year. I can’t imagine ever trusting my judgement enough for another relationship though!!

Good luck. proper legal advice sounds a sensible plan.

No alcohol at all this year. I’m bloody proud of him tbh. He made a decision that things needed to change and has stuck by it. Mental health has been up and down but I am hopeful for him for 2026.

He came close to losing his life to alcohol on more than one occasion - he just needed to make the decision himself that enough was enough to start to sort things out. I hope 2026 leads to further steps away from where he was. As always I do my best not to have an opinion of how likely continued success is (therein lies a lot of anxiety) but I am grateful for the progress and the peace in the house this year.

Fingers crossed @Edithcantaloupe that dh can carry on and beat this

Happy New Year to you all. I hope 2026 is a better one for all of you. @jessiefletch sorry you had an awful time at the theatre. At least you know now not to invite her next year. @Ebananascroogey legal advice is a great step. Good luck. x

I give up I really do. We're off to his sons tonight to have tea & see the grandkids. He's claimed a cold all day & refused to get out of bed, so I went off to get the stuff to take with us & while I was gone he's been to the corner shop & necked a bottle of wine. He'll want to hold the little one too, as I find his head that's acceptable.
He was talking about plans for both of us & the future yesterday, & that little seed of hope was hovering around again, but things like this i guess at least remind me how futile hope actually is.

His words and actions aren't matching @Ebananascroogey and he is clearly in complete denial if he thinks it's okay to hold a baby while drunk.

I'm very sorry he did that, @Ebananascroogey . But every time he does something like that, he is lending you strength to change. It's a rubbish silver lining, but still.

Hoping your children won’t allow him near let alone to hold their baby while he is drunk

Hi everyone, I hope we all have a peaceful, healthy and happy 2026. I wish you all strength and courage this year.

I had a quiet, relaxing and peaceful Christmas. There was worry of my ex turning up, but he seems to be getting the message and left me al9ne.

There are still efforts to contact me, but he is blocked on the phone and I am not engaging with him.

Good morning and a happy new year to you all. My son lives with me and is addicted to drugs not alcohol, could I join your thread please? I could really do with some support😔

Hello @Isthisit2025 and welcome. I'm here because of my late mother's alcoholism but there's a very similar situation to yours in my wider family – an adult son with a drug addiction. It's hideous. I won't go into loads of detail because it's not my story to share, but I know full well that the stress and heartbreak are the same.

@Isthisit2025 you are very welcome. This group is mainly focused on alcohol because it is such a common addiction, but the main aim here is to offer support, advice and ideas about coping strategies so we will definitely support you. It's increadibly hard when it is your own child. That isn't something I have experienced myself (it was my late husband and my mum), but the key principle is the same in my mind: self care is not selfish. Setting boundaries when dealing with an addict is not unsupportive. It is possible to support without enabling.

I would recommend you seek out SMART Family and Friends - they have online meetings for people who have loved ones in addiction. And of course keep posting here - this is a safe space to vent.

Welcome to this thread @Isthisit2025 . It has been a wonderful support for me. My Ex’s primary addiction is alcohol, but he was also addicted to coccaine for two years. He managed to stay off coke after his third or fourth rehab stay but has sadly never managed to stay off alcohol for more than a few weeks. Sending you lots of love

@Isthisit2025 welcome