Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

That sounds rough @Nogoodusername and yes maybe was what you needed and same house was mine and my only saving grace

I could kick him out and did

but even if had a joint mortgage I had enough. Took another 2years I think to finally break free and say no more and one this is it

that he won’t change. Won’t stop

but I look back and countless files I forgive him. Said let’s start again.

I do think he didn’t ever stop drinking now in hindsight and do feel a fool when people said he was drunk/drinking and I said no he wasn’t
those bloody rose tinted glasses are dangerous

@Ebananascroogey
another one here to tell you you are being far too harsh on yourself - PLEASE try and believe us.
We are all here because we made the same bad choices, most of us over and over again so we know those feelings of self-hatred because you haven't left yet. Honestly, I truly cannot believe I kept staying with him and loving him so so much with all of the despicable things he did and said to me, it's like I was actually under a spell or possessed. I lost all sense of self-worth, all belief in myself, felt pitiful and pathetic.
You will be 'done' when you are 'done' - no idea of when that time will come for you honey (I had no idea when it would for me either), but I promise you that when it does you will feel the first seeds of hope and peace settle into you and those seeds will grow and flourish and so will you.
You will be free of this hell one day.
If you are spinning around on the wheel of despair and disappointment in yourself, come back and message us, we will comfort and reassure you, listen to you and value you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE xx

@Penguinsandspaniels mine was a late starter in the addiction stakes - it started when his mother died in 2011 - DC2 was already 8 by then, and it wasn't until Easter 2012 that I began to realise there was a real problem. And at that point I was still codependent, in denial and filled with useless hope that it might be fixable. When I started the divorce, DC2 was almost 15.

Thank you every one of you for your kind messages, i don't feel anywhere near as alone as i did this time yesterday.
I've done a lot of thinking & realised just how much covering up I have actually done for him. I remember talking to someone just before he got really bad again & I told them that he was doing really well because he hadn't relapsed for over a year. Thing is, he still drank every day & he has done for so long that I have normalised 8 cans of strong lager & a bottle of wine every single evening & only get bothered by his drinking when it's vodka or wine straight from the bottle at 8am. I often wonder if he kept to only drinking that amount after 4pm, whether I could just spend the rest of my life like that, but deep down i know i couldn't & shouldn't live such a small limited life because it allows him to do what he wants.
It's the strangest thing, but i can't even remember back when we got together how much he drank then, i don't know even know why it matters, but i've thought about it far too much today.
Thankfully we don't have children together, but i have stepkids & step grandkids. I know I can have so much involvement in the grandkids lives, us splitting won't stop that, whereas after their mum saw his behaviour on holiday i suspect that us staying together would be the thing that limits it, regardless of blood ties.
I think about feeling free, not dreading going home because of what I will walk into, about being able to book a holiday & a dog sitter because he won't be about to refuse them access whilst simultaneously neglecting the dogs because he's pissed & i know that's what i want from my life, then I think about ending it & i just become paralysed with fear.
I also hate the fact that he came to the marriage with nothing, where i had the house & the savings, he's spent what he can while he was here & i know he will play the mental health card to try & take as much off me in the divorce as he can, but i have to stop using that as a reason to stay, money is not worth giving up all chance of happiness for.

I agree that none of us need to feel shame. I was feeling shame, and a lovely colleague and friend said to me that its not shameful to want to help someone, and show kindness.

I have the thoughts of why was I so stupid, as he already had an addiction when we met. He was trying to stop, and was sober for periods. I make a conscious effort to allow the thoughts and feelings, but not engage with them. I allow the thoughts and feelings without judgement. It helps me keep things in perspective, and give myself the same compassion I give others.

It definitely helps me not to punish my self emotionally for my poor decisions. It also helps me to not continue to make the same mistakes, out of guilt for my decisions and feeling like I deserve this/that I should sacrifice myself.

I have had another visit, and another letter from my ex. Sober at the moment, and begging/pleading/rewriting what happened/blaming me for the latest relapse. Also talking about ending his life. I have let his GP know that he is talking about suicide.

I cant change the situation, I can only choose how I react to it. And whether I allow it to ruin my life.

I do think that suicide is a likely outcome, but I also know that I cant do anything about it without giving up my life to be treated like shit. I just hope I can keep this mindset if the inevitable happens.

Sending you all love and peace. Christmas is a nightmare for those living with addicts.

Yep just as I thought he's hitting the gin with a vengeance.hes absolutely shit faced went out for a haircut which didn't happen. He can hardly walk .
I don't really know where to turn . Which is why I'm off loading onto all of you.
My adult son is here who I don't think knows anything and I'd honestly rather not have that conversation before Christmas .
But all the same stuff is coming out how I am looking for another man ( I'm definitely not never ever again!)
He's got Parkinson's disease
He's going to commit suicide ( I really doubt this)
It's so so lonely so Thankyou all for being here.

@wouldratgerbeunknown what is stopping you from telling your adult son? Addiction thrives on secrecy but when I started telling the family (and he didn't want me to, but once he crashed and burned after rehab I made it a unilateral decision), I found a lot of support and understanding - also from his side of the family. And very few were at all surprised. You persist in carrying this all alone when you don't need to. I'm speaking from experience when I say that it isn't necessary or helpful.

I supposed I'm ashamed.
And I know he'll be really upset .

I really think this is the first thing you need to work on, and you may need professional support to do this. You have nothing to be ashamed of. And you deserve support from your family.

Please tell your son. He can give you support

I took your advice and told him he knew something was up but was shocked as well.
He was really wonderful and stayed here until just now. He would have stayed but I said I'd be fine.
So Thankyou it's a relief and I felt my daughter and me were keeping it from him.
Goodnight I hope you alll have a peaceful night xxx

That's wonderful. Really well done, it's breaking down a difficult barrier. Keep on building that network of people who know and will support you.

Well done. It’s hard telling people but 5)3? more you hide it , the more you are enabling them

and a problem shared etx ….

the son is his ?

Yes he is the father to both my children we have been together since we were 18.
So 46 years.
All this has come to light in the past 7/8 months although he may have been hiding it for longer.
How you have all gone through this for years with young children is unimaginable for me.

Some ways it’s easier with young children

but means everything comes down to me for everything dd needs

Hi, first time here, just name changed. Worst day. Adult daughter managed to stay sober for a year, is two months into new job, fell off the wagon last night big time, went into work still drunk and was sent home.

No idea where we go from here, if she still has a job. We have been here before and I allowed myself some hope. It’s the hope that destroys you. All the rebuilt fragile trust shattered again. Other big stuff also going on in family and sodding Christmas.

Sorry if I don’t reply, feeling broken and just needed to vent. Love to you all.

Oh no that's awful, especially after a year.

Thank you, yes it’s heartbreaking but predictable as she never really faced up to the problem when her life imploded the last time and we picked up the pieces. I think now that the main thing that kept her sober for that time was simply having no money. As soon as she has money she is buying vodka and drinking it on the quiet again.

She Is sleeping now. I don’t even have words anymore, numb.
My brother was an alcoholic and died aged 46 of liver failure so it is too raw to see history repeating itself. She is a lovely girl, just desperately unhappy and struggles with life.

@CrazyWorldBlues has she spoken about wanting to drink again or do you think she will try and hide it?

Would she consider getting any support at all? My DH didn’t get along with AA but likes SMART Recovery and finds it helpful.

My heart goes out to you because as a parent, your instinct is to try and save her, but of course she has to want to rescue herself first.

She wants to stop, sincerely but thinks she can do it on her terms without reaching out. She’s very self contained and good at masking.

Her drinking is solitary, secretive heavy vodka sessions. If she doesn’t get help this time I’d predict a couple of sober months ‘Being good’ and all the promises and then gradual, secretive return to drinking leading to heavier and heavier sessions, which is the pattern.

Thank you for the suggesting SMART. I’m not sure she’d take to AA as she’s uncomfortable with the ‘higher power’ concept. I’ve attended a few Al anon meetings; the people were wonderful, wise and weary and I think I’ll be going back in the New Year

Wise and weary is such a good description of the people on this thread too @CrazyWorldBlues

My DH didn’t like the higher power stuff either - he was recommended SMART Recovery by the professionals he is currently seeing. DH is very self-contained and excellent at secretive drinking so I know how hard it is to reach someone like that.

Keeping everything crossed your dd starts engaging in recovery and you have a peaceful Xmas.

Sounds like dh

99% cant do on their own

thy need to accept and want help

its a never ending situation as even if they manage to get sober - there’s always the what if and you will still watch their every move

Thank you for your support everyone, it means a lot as I can’t really discuss this with anyone apart from DH and he is struggling. Other family are dealing with their own stuff right now and, after my brother, it would devastate my mum to know.

I’ve pointed DD towards the SMART website and offered some suggestions so it is up to her now. She says that she wants help so will see if that translates into action.

I know that feeling, the holding your breath all the time, hyper vigilance, watching for the signs, the mistrust it is mentally exhausting. The lack of trust is the worst, I always took it for granted and now I question everything she tells me. I don’t know if you can ever get that back. Must be like a cheating spouse you are forever on your guard.

Tomorrow is another day. Hope that it is a good one for everyone on here dealing with this.

I’m so sorry @CrazyWorldBlues, I can’t imagine the devastation and disappointment of a relapse after a year. My Ex’s longest period sober after rehab was 2 months and that relapse broke me.

The life on eggshells loving an addict is excruciating. Even when they are sober. In fact it’s almost harder when they are, especially in the early months, because you are watching and hoping and fearing and on your guard constantly. It’s exhausting.

Do go back to Al Anon. I used SMART friends and family and it really helped me to let go of the illusion of control/hope that I could fix Ex. It was liberating for my own sanity.

sending love xx

Another Christmas ruined here! DH has been sober for almost a year now but there's just something about this time of year that sets him off. He finished work yesterday and I could see the signs last night and smell the familiar smell when he came to bed.

Today it's even more obvious and both teens have noticed. I am trying to stay detached and not get into an argument with him. Such a shame as he had been doing well - working, exercising, eating healthily and taking on the lion's share of the house stuff as I was recovering from an op. Just as well I'm recovered now as I'll be solo parenting again till God knows when.