Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

In my experience, shakes are normal, sweating is normal, nausea and vommiting is normal. Ex had all of those when cutting down dramatically (so 30 units to 0 in 4 days) and never had a seizure. Get a home BP monitor and monitor his BP throughout the day. High is normal but if it starts soaring then you know the reduction has been too fast/ you are in a risk zone.

on a medically managed detox (home through local services or inpatient rehab), it’s really quite painless in Ex’s experience. The Librium made him sleepy and drowsy and withdrawals so minimal they almost weren’t there.

Thankyou this is really helpful I doubt he's reduced enough for anything too dramatic but I can certainly get him to check his bp
He's gone out to do a couple of errands and should have been back ages ago so I'm expecting the worst quite frankly

Then he’s prob had a drink sorry to say

Ahhh @wouldratgerbeunknown that is sad if he has gone out to find a drink…sounds like he isn’t ready to give up I’m sorry to say.

My DH is managing his tapering with the support of smart recovery. He is at a meeting this morning while I treat myself at the shops. Nothing is certain because I can’t control what he does but a big motivation for him is that he’ll be kicked out with nowhere to go in the NY if he fucks up this time.

Ok he came back seems ok TBH no smell of booze.
I think it's exhausting constantly feeling you're monitoring
Anyway I'm out now going to treat myself to a coffee and a moments peace.

Is he at a real life meeting?

I know the ‘just topped up enough, so can sort of function and won’t go into withdrawals but am utterly pissed long term’ look.

@wouldratgerbeunknown that’s great he’s back, you must be so relieved. DH is going to smart recovery in person - he much prefers it to AA because there is no ‘higher power’ but he isn’t a religious person at all. He says they do groups for family members too which I’m keen to go to. I’ll do ones online though as I prefer those.

I had a lovely shopping trip while he did his group - got a bit spendy which was a rare treat!

That's great !! Nothing like a bit of retail therapy to make you feel better!!

Well Sunday evening has arrived and things have been relatively ok here.
I do suspect perhaps there's been some secret drinking but am
Not certain- thing is now I'm
Always on high alert .
Hope the tapering down is goi g well and that everyone has a few calm days and nights xx

@wouldratgerbeunknown my DH is the king of secret drinking which is why he was able to fool me for years that he had given up…am hoping that now he has been honest about what he is drinking and how much, he can move towards complete sobriety.

The lies are the thing that cause me to feel angry though which has helped me make an ultimatum which I know I’ll stick to if he fails again.

I think the lies are almost as attractive as the drinking. There is something furtive and hidden about the secrets that make them almost as compulsive as the drinking itself...a fundamental question of honesty that DH can't quite bring himself to share. Like he has to have this piece of himself he holds apart like a secret room (with alcohol in!) that he can hide in...

It was secret drinking that made me escalate things. He'd promised me no more secret drinking - big fat lie, of course. But I was prepared to cling on until DC2 was 18 and off to uni, at which point I would have gone ahead and started the divorce process.

Only I found out he had been secretly drinking, and that was my rock bottom. I sometimes think they believe we are as stupid as they are and that we won't find out what they're doing.

@pointythingsI have missed years of secret drinking which I still can’t fathom but was obvious in retrospect. I think now I know how often DH has lied I will never trust him again, which makes me sad to be married to a man I can’t trust.

And when we (obviously) blow apart the secret hiding places we are somehow the bad guys! Its not rocket science to find the secret stashes....the mind boggles at the twisted drunken logic. Or there is no logic at all - only an all consuming need to hide and drink. There lies the path to madness so better to disconnect than try and reason with a drunk. A vicious circle I have to try and get out of.

Please can I come back? I've been so so stupid & gullible! I came back from the holiday so set on it being the end & then he cut right back & was lovely for 4 days. Being the idiot I am i started making excuses for him & going right back to the mindset of being able to fix it. Then I had to go into the office & it was straight back to a litre of whiskey down his neck & all the other shite behaviors that come with that level of drunk.
It's impossibly hard to believe i have support & will be better off without him but i have to start wrapping my head round that. Every post I read resonates with my experiences, which tells me the only happy ending for me will be ending this for good but honestly I'm making it so hard for myself, why can't I just say enough & stick to it????

There is no one here that hasn’t walked your path @Ebananascroogey. you aren’t so so stupid and gullible, it’s the evil bitch of hope that gets us. I was no contact with Ex after he did some truly abysmal things that were absolutely my rock bottom, and I still went back and supported him through another medically managed home detox. Of course he relapsed, of course he immediately turned on me, and my brain was blown by how I had got sucked in again. I’m now nearly three months no contact again and just pray I will make it stick this time.

I did training on DV for work and there is a statistic about how many times a woman will leave her abusive partner before it’s for good. I reckon the partner of an addict ratio will be high too. You have to forgive yourself the mistakes because they are made out of care, compassion and hope, and pick yourself up and go again with ‘operation leave the hamster wheel hell of loving an addict’.

be kind to yourself x

@Nogoodusername thank you. I struggle to believe i deserve your kindness but I so need it. I will get through Xmas & then I will get away.

@Ebananascroogey please don't beat yourself up. Mine always behaved really well on holidays (until the year that he didn't, but that was after I'd hit him with the ultimatum) that the hope came back. It takes time for it to sink in that it isn't going to get better. Nobody here will have a go at you about it because none of us have done this perfectly either.

@Ebananascroogey welcome back. It is horrible to feel your hope dying, but that loss of hope eventually sets you free to move on.

@hoodiemassive same with dh. I would say he hasn’t been drinking. Family would come round and say he has

i can only think I got so used to his pissed slurred speech as now I don’t live with him or see him every day - it’s bloody obvious when he has drank

ive said before I feel so stupid tha I didn’t reliese

and agree with the lies. The drive me insane !!!

18 @pointythings. Wow. I couldn’t even get to 7 - tho I wish I had stopped and not given the million chances and would have been 5

i worry that I had damaged her staying with dh for as long as I did

@Ebananascroogey you are not stupid or gullible. You just wanted do beleive in the best as we all did

or it makes us all stupid and gullible

and it’s hard to end as we did /do love them an we went w happy ending

I can’t remember if you have kids or not

for me I had to say enough was enough when he downed neat vodka in front of dd in the afternoon

@Nogoodusername I would love to go to go totally no contact but as have young child who does love him as kids so love unconditionally - but as she gets older she is getting much more wiser - god bless her

course you deserve kindness - we all do

our only mistake is falling in love with a person who totally changed

I think you nailed it Penguin when you said we fell in love with someone who totally changed.
The man I married and lived with for decades was a fantastic person father friend provider
I honestly don't recognise him any more.
He will walk past mess and create mess he used to be so clean and really helpful in the house and garden but that's all gone now.
he looks terrible red and bloated.
He doesn't remember anything but pretend s very badly that he does.
And I think it's slowly dawning on me that it's changed me for the worst as well . Im suspicious nagging resentful angry. Hiding his secret from family and friends because I'm so ashamed and embarrassed. I also look awful crying all the time .
I'm giving it to the new year but I don't have much hope.

Honestly @Penguinsandspaniels, as I have said many times, I am in awe at the strength of those of you who managed to leave their addicts despite shared children and property. I found it excruciatingly hard to walk away from mine, and went back many times, despite on paper it being as easy as possible for me - I have my own home with children from my previous marriage. I will never understand the grip Ex had over me, never. I’m a strong and capable person in all areas of life apart from him. Bloody madness. I assume it’s all caught up in being the child of an alcoholic, being in a caring/advocacy profession, my personality type, hope, and the utter shock and disbelief of watching a person change and disintegrate in front of you. But my god is it hard to break free!

A real moment of humiliation for me was when my ex husband was supposed to be having the children so I could go away for a weekend with ‘addict Ex’ and I had to tell him I wasn’t going because Ex had relapsed and was being vile and I’d had to cut off contact. He looked at me kindly and sadly and said “don’t you think you should find a happier relationship? It isn’t good for you and you deserve better”

yes people, my ex husband felt sorry for me that I was caught up with an addict and wanted me to find a better man. Definitely a moment of - what on earth am I doing to myself.