Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

Smells for me:
cider
mouthwash (he used mouthwash constantly not appreciating that it did nothing because alcohol reeked through his pores)

Yes I always say it smells. Vodka

it’s a kinda stale smell. Whether on breath or seeps though skin

why thy say vodka doesn’t smell is beyond me

DH literally oozes vodka. I'm trying to think of a similar phrase to 'you stink like a brewery' when I'm suggesting separate bedrooms. I can't stand it anywhere near me, it fills me with rage...

The smell of stale alcohol comes out through the pores no matter what you're drinking. I slept in the spare bedroom for the last 3 years of my marriage because I couldn't stand it any more. It's a very very characteristic smell.

I can't articulate how furious it makes me and how it disgusts me - a huge part of me is heartbroken I might hurt his feelings but my inner self is raging at what he inflicts on me unknowing. I end up feigning migraines or needed a good night's sleep for work...I don't know what would happen if I simply unleashed. Don't even know if I could close those floodgates...

I’ve not posted for a while, but I am quietly here reading. Just wanted to say I’m so sorry for your loss @VoltaireMittyDream your love for your DM is so apparent, despite everything. Please take care of yourself.

My Mum, at the age of 65, will be having her first ever Christmas alone this year. Not just alone, but alone in total squalor.

I don’t feel guilty and I won’t be inviting her to mine for Christmas, but my god I feel so sad. I know that she doesn’t want to live like this. I know she’s lost and she’s broken, and I know she’ll never get better.

I am so sad. For her, for me, for my siblings. Even for my children who will never know their grandmother.

How I wish it were different.

Oh god, the smell of stale alcohol sweat in the bedroom. That’s actually been one of the most freeing things since Ex and I separated - never sleeping in a room that smells of stale alcohol.

mouthwash is really triggering for me. I HATE the smell. I think it was because Ex didn’t use it sober and so it was a sign of relapse before he was ready to confess it to me. I remember his last relapse before we separated, which was the most devastating one because it was his longest sober time out of rehab (a full two months, which I realise is nothing but an improvement on 2 weeks, 4 weeks and same day) and I had really got my hopes up that he had found a good post rehab recovery routine. I was suspicious because he’d sent loads of critical texts throughout the day about his outpatient recovery programme and as soon as I walked through the door I could smell mouth wash and I knew.

I don't think opening the floodgates will help anything - that is for later when you are working through all this in counselling.

First you need to do all the tough practical things about getting the ducks in a row so you can get out of this relationship. I hope you know in your heart now that you're done. Especially since you're in recovery yourself - he is a threat to your recovery.

Massive hugs. I totally know what you mean about the sadness. I know Ex doesn’t want to live like this either, and a couple of times in the months before we separated he cracked a little and showed me the utter fear and hopelessness he felt that he would never be able to break the hold of addiction and it broke my heart. Most of the time I was so angry and resentful at him because in active addiction he is cruel, deceitful, conceited and vicious with his words. It’s easier to feel the hate than feel the sadness. I still wish so much that he would recover and become him again - someone that enjoys his family, knows his children, can work, can have friendships etc. I know he never will though - he’s too far gone.

sending love and I hope you have a peaceful Christmas.

Words just fail me at the moment but this thread is keeping me strong. I'm in a stupidly vulnerable position but taking the logical route as best I can. Wild emotions do no one any good and are 100% for therapy when this nightmare is over. Having a safe place to vent in the interim is priceless and what will get me to where I can start separation/divorce proceedings in a couple of years. Worth every shitty day I spend micromanaging a giant, drunk toddler....

I totally get this. It is so so sad.

my dm is a sort of new/late life alcoholic. It came about in her 60/70s. I do feel like it will be near impossible for her to recover. Is this the sort of opinion lots of you have? I haven’t spoken to other family members of alcoholics. It feels like it takes such a grip though doesn’t it?

I did google what percentage of alcoholics recover and although it’s not that clear, possibly 50% do? Which is a huge number who don’t ever recover.

Yeah @Mymaloy it really does take such a grip and then seems impossible to recover. My Ex was functioning for a long time, then once the spiral started it was dramatic. He’s been utterly dysfunctional for nearly two years now. I’ve given up belief that rock bottom exists because every time I thought there was nothing more to lose or further to fall, he found it.

I feel like once he relapsed soon after rehab one the writing was on the wall. Not sure why really as relapse is a common stage of recovery. I think he lost his faith that it was possible, or that was when he realised it would be hard and exhausting work resisting cravings daily for however many months. But that’s when it really escalated.

I think the numbers who manage to recover are way smaller than half, but perhaps that is figures on relapse after inpatient treatment. Unsure.

I’m going down a stats rabbit hole now 😆 AA says 50%, a US Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Addiction says 35.9%

Shockingly low isn’t it. Terrifying really that it is sold in supermarkets so freely, when it can ruin lives this way.

Gosh I think 50% sounds quite good. I would have guessed 5%.

Ir does sound good. Maybe that’s 50% of those who attend AA so people who are working on recovery?

This is fascinating and worth watching by anyone with an alcoholic in their life. She is on a lot of podcasts as well.

Anyway she says that without treatment the statistics show you are more likely to spontaneously recover from cancer than stop drinking. She does however distinguish between those who drink for years and can just stop (not addicted) with those who can’t. Doesn’t make excuses though - on a podcast she talks about how she could only start to work on recovery once she had her head out her arse and accepted she wasn’t different or special. She is big on responsibility.

As I tell the alcoholic in my life there’s a difference between abstinence and recovery. Some people can abstain for extended periods but recovery is usually hard work……

Just back to update also helps me keep track of the the timeline of doom.
So the family do - he announced yesterday morning how well it had gone blah blah. I had to say maybe for you but I was on constant duty all day , monitoring watching . I would perhaps have liked a glass of bubbles to celebrate an announcement but no I was on duty driving etc.
Lots of tears and self pity ensued.
Anyway he did call the alcohol support services who should call back today.
Also he has been accepted for a psychiatric assessment with his healthcare plan ( pending approval by the underwriters) but that won't be for a long while.
He also called his work and has said he's unwell . This is a first I've never known him to take sick leave in all our married life. But I'm relieved as it is his work Xmas do today and it could only have been a disaster.
So a very small piece of calm in amongst abject misery.
If that 50% stat is anywhere near true that would give some hope. Maybe attending those meetings is something I could encourage
Hope you are all ok this makes you see that there's booze everywhere you look . So hard to keep away from it really .

This has certainly been a learning curve for me. I think the general public who have no experience with an alcoholic in their life probably are not fully aware how difficult it is for alcoholics to recover. To me the media portrays it as something possible and a wonderful thing. There are quite a few famous people who quit and speak about it to the public. But the reality is very much different.

In my case, my mother has been an alcoholic for about 25 years.

The hope of her one day recovering was what was killing me.

When she moved from “functioning” to completely not functioning, there really wasn’t any point even imagining her being normal.

It’s much easier to accept she won’t ever get better.

My guess would have been about 15% achieveing recovery. Am v dubious about the AA stat!

I understand. Uncertainty is extremely difficult. Hope is painful.

It still feels quite wrong to say it, although many of us have talked about it on here, but I really find things easier now she is no longer here. A complete end to the uncertainty.

Of course, I still think what a waste. And how sad it is. 'Sad' doesn't even feel strong enough to cover it.

Many of you talk about your alcoholic as someone who used to be loving and full of life. For me, no, I think she was always unhappy, never loved life. It was easier to hide when she was young. It feels like it was inevitable.

Hope everyone is feeling ok what with all the Christmas guff everywhere.

Here I am again!!
So I've seen an open AA meeting locally this afternoon and we are going to go to it.
Giving all the support I can but once this is all done so am I!
Doubt we can live separately though as neither of us have anywhere to go and I'm too old to get a mortgage. Selling the house wouldn't give enough to get two separate properties so will just have to manage I guess,

I get it’s very hard

to stop drinking /having something you enjoy

but knowing when doing it , they are destroying theirselves and their family /life

dh buys vodka. Then denys it - it’s the lies that get me

You can not live with him if you don’t want to an be bad for your mental health

smaller properties even 2 flats and small mortgage

or you rent. Yes mean literally throwing money away and losing an asset but do you really want to live life every day /week/month for years