Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

a functioning alcoholic can hide it well and if drinking only when leaves work he could have got away with it

tho you say he’s not travelling anymore so I take it they maybe know about the drinking - it’s far more obvious to those who don’t live in same house and possibly you were like me and had rose tinted glasses on and didn’t see/reliese the extent of it

where they did

@wouldratgerbeunknown welcome to the thread it is great for support and understanding.

My dh hid his drinking from me for years after admitting he had a problem and ‘giving up’. He finally stopped lying a couple of weeks ago and is on his final chance before he has to move out. The lying is destroying isn’t it?

Do you think your DH has been drinking before April? It could be that his consumption has increased and he just couldn’t hide it any longer.

If he does decide to stop, he will have to taper down because anything else is dangerous. My DH is tapering at the moment and it is going ok but will be a long process as he was drinking 200 units a week.

I’m so sorry you find yourself here.

How many units in a bottle of spirits

Fuck I’ve just googled 28

28 x 7 is 196 units a week

so dh was almost on 200 a week as well and he’s not tapering - he just goes cold turkey when has no money and spent his uc on booze

so will drink a bottle a day for maybe 10/14 days. Then nothing for 2w unless managed to sell something on eBay or beg for money

this has gone on for months

how the hell does his body cope with this or is he so used to it as he Does drink a whole bottle , you know he’s had a drink but he’s not plastered

and times I have questioned myself - has he had a drink

he has a very high tolerance 😢😢

Incredible that he can go cold turkey like that. I expect he will be convinced he isn’t an alcoholic because he can stop and take a break for a week or two.

Hi, im new here and wondering if anyone had any advice about dealing with the affect on the DC.

Im worried about the affect of them thinking their dads behaviour is normal, they dont see him drink (but he stinks of it) and they know he does nothing practical regarding family life, wont come on family trips, do anything regarding school, clubs ect, as hes too busy drinking.

I can handle all thier needs (and do) and pay for everything they need but am terrified of him having custody and drinking whilst hes supposed to be looking after them.

They are under the age where the courts would consider thier wishes and he has alot of financial backing for solicitors (from his parents, i earn more than him but not much).

I have accepted the 4'cs which have helped massively and the dcs dont seem to care he doesn't join in, they've said they are used to it and they dont miss out on anything we go out anyway. They also dont open up to him, and generally dont care if hes home or not.

I cant leave until I have everything sorted but any advice on how to manage in the mean time would be so helpful.

Im beyond the stage of trying to help him, he doesn't want to hear it and I need to focus all my energy on dc.

This is such a non judgemental helpful board, thank you xx

@Anonymouslthis is something I’m currently trying to navigate. I know from experience that even young dc will pick up on drinking, even if we don’t.

It sounds as though you are doing a marvellous job of solo parenting and are being an awesome Mum.

I have decided to give DH one last chance to get sober and he is really trying. If he fails this then we have agreed he will move out. He is a nice person though and is finally aware of the damage he is doing to our family by drinking. I grew up with an aggressive alcoholic Dad and an in denial Mum which did all sorts of damage.

All our situations are different but generally, dc are better off without an alcoholic in their lives. It is really complicated though, isn’t it?

It's incredibly hard if you have DC who can't refuse to see their alcoholic parent (if that is what they want to do). However, that doesn't mean they and you are helpless - you can provide a phone so they can contact you for collection if their dad is drunk and incapable, and every time that happens you make sure you collect evidence to support that they were unsafe. You may end up with social services intervention, but that isn't all bad - I had it, though for different reasons around my husband's alcohol use and behaviour.

Agree the phone. Dd has my old phone with sim card she she can call me anytime or text and she would always text to say night

tho as she isn’t seeing /stayiing there currently it’s not an issue at moment

but if she wants do start seeing him alone again then she has it

@hoodiemassive I get you went to give one last chance. That’s what I did tho least your dh is trying unlike mine

@Anonymousl I don’t think any judge would give custody to an alcoholic but I worry or did when dd stayed there. That he would drink while in charge of her

I always breathalysed him but always passed it. Prob need a better one

if @pointythings or anyone know of a good breathalyser please let me know

as If drink 4/5/6pm would it show at 730am

same as you I do it all alone and pay for it , which is hard but as dd gets older she is reliesing daddy is selfish

@Anonymousl I worried about this a lot but the reality was that my DH rarely turned up for access visits and didn't want the responsibility of looking after the children single-handed. If your DH is drinking daily and taking no part in family life it is possible that you'll be in the same position. If not, a phone will be essential so you can contact them, and they you, at all times. Do you get on with his parents because if so you may be able to discuss your fears for their safety with them and get them to agree to supervise access visits for their grandchildren's sake?

@wouldratgerbeunknown I'll start future proofing but I think I have to try and support him .i know you must think im naive but I feel I owe him that. We don't think you're naive at all. We all tried to support the alcoholics in our lives. But many of us found that the support we were offering wasn't making a blind bit of difference -the alcoholic in our lives was still drinking, still depressed and was dragging us down with him. Always bear in mind that you deserve to be happy.
I have told one person in real life but what can she do? She was as shocked as me. She can do nothing for him but she can listen to you and that can help so much. You matter too.

@pointythings Thank you for all the information you have shared on this thread It has come at a crisis weekend for us.
I have looked at the Smart website for an online meeting and if I’m right it wants to check my identity, but when I click on it nothing happens. It doesn’t ask me for the code or anything. Am I missing something? I would really appreciate joining the meeting tomorrow night as Monday morning is going to be very tough. I am going to call child services for my grandchildren.
Thank you.

It may not always cope. If he develops kindling he won‘t be able to do that. It’s a good think he can stop like that now because if he comes to his senses and decides he is going to stop that is still an option.

SMART family and friends a good shout, or al-anon

And yes that is my experience. “I can go a long time without drinking so I am not an alcoholic. An alcoholic drinks every day”. It’s just a form of denial and a sign that someone isn’t interested in change yet .

@Unpaidworkmakestheeconomytick is this link the page where you've landed? (I've just picked a random Family & Friends meeting).

https://uk.meetings.smartrecovery.org/meetings/1402/

I haven't used them because I've been lucky enough to have had a RL group.

Yes, the pathcheck instant verification thing. When I click on it, it goes to a new page but doesn’t ask for a code or email or say whether I have or have not passed the verification.

I'm reading it that the pathcheck is what you do after you have attended the meeting and that what you should do is click on the add to calendar link which should give you a clickable link to join in your calendar.

Sorry to keep dipping in and out of this thread. Do any of you with elderly alcoholic parents have experience of cyclical sobriety?

My mother's been sober for a few weeks now, and for some reason, the longer she's sober, the more anxious I become.

Partly I'm waiting for it to start up again - but more than that I think I'm wondering if I imagined it, or if I'm just oversensitive and uptight as she seems to believe, and there was never any harm in it. Or if it really was, as she says, a blip, and she's not going to do it anymore.

I kind of want her to shit or get off the pot. I feel like my whole life is in limbo, not knowing what is going on and what I need to be prepared for.

If she's going to be an alcoholic I wish she would just get on with it so I can know that's what I'm dealing with and put in place a disaster management protocol. And I could also give myself permission to hate her guts a little bit.

I do understand this mentality. It’s very frustrating. My own dm never has any days without drinking- usually 2 bottles of wine a day. But she does have days when she seems more or less normal though despite the drinking and I start to wonder if I am imagining everything or over reacting. I feel a certain sense of disappointment which i don’t like as surely I should feel pleased when she has better days. I can imagine this would be a lot worse with spells of sobriety. You just want a clear defined answer to what is happening. And becoming sober feels like such an unlikely thing that we can’t even hope for it.

@VoltaireMittyDream My Dad was a recovered alcoholic before he died. Before he stopped for good he went through lots of cyclical attempts to give up. I remember the insecurity of it all.

I think it’s harder to accept alcoholism when the drinker is in denial and doubly hard when it’s your parent because of the parent/child dynamic, even though you’re both adults.

I questioned myself a lot with my Dad’s alcoholism and whether he ‘drank enough’ to be classed as an alcoholic.

I also felt guilty about telling anyone because it is so frowned on to talk negatively about your own parent.

It is ok to feel hate, some parents don’t act in a way that warrants love.

Try and detach would be my advice - I found counselling very helpful to start understanding that my Dad was his own man and I wasn’t responsible for whether he drank or not.

It is very difficult and such a burden for you that you must protect yourself from your Mother’s drinking. Easier said than done I know.

It is true it is so difficult to talk negatively about parents or tell people what is happening . I have to take my dm to liver scans and I can’t tell anyone why. And they all ask how she is with a worried look on their face expecting me to be upset. And they probably think I am terribly cold hearted as I just have to detach emotionally in order to function.

Yes!! The sense of disappointment on a good day is so complex and guilt-inducing.

Partly because of the dynamic created in this situation where it feels like one of us must be mad - and when she’s sober I’m the mad one for having assumed it might be otherwise.

Her cognition fluctuates as well. There are days, even when sober, when she’s so confused and indecisive and anxious. And then other days when she’s totally sharp and on it. It’s so hard never knowing which version I’ll meet when I see her.

Thanks. I’ve put it my calendar for tomorrow. I’ll see if it works.

@Anonymousl dealing with the affect on DC is such a huge topic. My overarching advice is follow your protective instincts, put their needs consistently above his, and you will do the right thing.

It seems like you are preparing to leave your H but are all still under one roof and he’s drinking? Lean on family. Don’t rely on H for anything and depending on their ages, don’t leave them in his sole care.

With me once we split we went through different phases but in summary he didn’t want much contact (well he did, but he wanted to drink and take drugs more) - would not turn up a lot, would let them down a lot. In the end he moved away and has seen them twice in the last 2 years. They have occasional video phone contact and he is in the periphery of their lives, and everyone is happy with status quo. Well apart from ex who bleats on a lot about how much he loves them and misses them - but he is reaping what he sowed.

You have more rights than you think. I thought I would need to take him to court to stop him having overnight access and to have access on the new terms I felt managed the safeguarding risks (when he fell
off yet another wagon), so I went to see a family lawyer. She told me he would need to take me to court if he was unhappy with my terms. He sent me lots of emails telling me how “ridiculous” I was being and when I told him he needed to take me to court to change things, he of course didn’t.