Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

Oh the things they think they can ask for! Mine asked to come to the house after he moved out, on a day DC and I wouldn't be in, so he could use the washing machine. He had a perfectly fine washing machine, he just said it was too slow. Yeah, that's modern machines for you.

Funny that he no longer had a key, and that agreeing to this would have meant letting him have one. And of course he wouldn't have made a copy...

Not just no, but hell, no.

@ByeByeDrinker you're doing the right things. No point listening to his messages. Suicide threats are extremely hard to hear and our instinct is often to try and rush to the rescue. But just keep bearing in mind, that if he's very drunk he'll have forgotten what he has said by the time he puts the phone down and you're the one who'll be left with the worry and guilt. And if he does decide to commit suicide, that is his choice. He also has the option to get sober and sort out his life, but you have no control over the decisions he makes.

Can I please join!
I started another thread but someone kindly directed me here.
My husband of 35 years who really only ever had a couple of beers at the weekend started secretly drinking around April this year ( I think) it took until July to realise he was drinking at least a bottle of gin a day hidden in water bottles etc,
Anyway you all k know the drill as I can see from what you've written here.
I honestly no longer recognise him, but he has been an exemplary husband and father up until this year.
Getting ready for Christmas has really hit me hard as it was so different last Christmas.
He now blatantly lies all the time. On two recent occasions he has stayed out drinking ?? Where possibly on a station platform when our adult children had come to visit. He said he was too ashamed to see them.
He has seen the go and has also been to the local alcohol support service. I can't say either were helpful but reading here has shown me that they can only advise not change the behaviour.
I cannot accept that this is happening
He was a lovely looking man but is now bloated and red faced so I think his health is possibly affected.
Don't really know what I'm asking just still in shock and denial about what is going on and what the future holds.

@wouldratgerbeunknown I am so sorry. I too found it almost impossible to accept that this was happening to my DH ...and to me. It was hard to believe he would put his need to drink before everything else. As you realise, the GP and support services can't help if he won't engage and clearly a bottle of gin a day will be doing his health no good at all. You aren't in denial really, as you can see the problem. You just haven't yet figured out what happens next and that's okay. Keep coming here and try and access real-life support for you. Let your children know what's going on. Keeping up appearances while your world is in tatters ruins your mental health, as I found to my cost.

What happened in April to make him start on spirits

or maybe he drank them before but not so much that you knew

I’ve said before now I don’t live with dh that I notice his drinking immediately.

Where before i think I was used to his slur. Which now it’s obvious when been drinking

but that’s him and maybe not your dh

Sadly we know that you can’t make someone sober or to make them stop drinking however much we beg them

only they can

they lie all the time and make you think you are in the wrong

you need to decide what is important to you @wouldratgerbeunknown

will you put up with the drinking ? Will you split if he doesn’t stop

you don’t need to decide now

it’s taken a while for most of us on this thread to decide enough and split

I should have done it 2yrs before I did , it he said he would stop. Change. Etc

all lies

My daughter knows but we are both in shock about it all , it's like someone has taken over his mind and body.
I called the gp yesterday because he was threatening suicide etc and she prescribed sleeping tablets and antidepressants but he now taking them PLUS the drink . We have a booze cupboard full of stuff no one ever touches but as a pre Xmas tidy i decided to clean it out to discover it's just empty bottles.
I just feel so upset I can't stop crying. I know it's selfish as I just retired and imagined a life where I could travel and do nice things but that's all gone now as far as I can see.

I think in April ( that's my best guess) things started to go wrong for him at work, now I wonder was it a chicken and egg situation.?
He's always loved work and really it's been his main focus in life he doesn't really have any hobbies and now I think about it very few friends.
I can't see a way out of this at the moment and although I'm trying to support him I really do hate the lies.
I hate myself for questioning him
Today we went out and he insisted he hadn't drank but I can just smell it all the time.
Now I think my daughter won't want to leave her children here ( who can blame her?) so I see any thing nice in my life disappearing
But as I said he has been a fantastic husband and father up until now so what's the answer?

@wouldratgerbeunknown It isn't at all selfish. You have every right to think of yourself and your future. You can still travel and do nice things. Your life is not over. Please believe that.

Thankyou . I can't even sleep in my own bedroom because of the stench of booze
What a way to spend the years you'd looked forward to. 46 years of work and now this to deal with.
Reading the posts on this thread has been both illuminating and terrifying I kept looking for one positive story and think I saw just one and even that was about someone s friend.
Anyway it's late and I'm dreading tomorrow already.
Hope you all have as nice a Sunday as you can

I wouldn't try and puzzle out what caused his alcoholism or when it started and I wouldn't bother trying to get answers from him. That way lies madness. You know he is drinking to excess and you know he is now taking pills on top. Try not to panic about the future. You can see your grandchildren at your daughter's house. He has made a terrible choice but you do not have to be dragged down with him.

Try and get a good night's sleep. xx

Thankyou. I actually feel better for blurting all this out. thankyou for responding. Hope all is ok with you as well. Goodnight xx

Is it his own business ? Or maybe he was drinking at work so went wrong

your dd is right to keep kids away (sorry) but why can’t you go to hers to see grandkids

yes it smells

positive stories are rare but yes it can happen and be sober

my friends dh is 4yrs sober. What dh should have been - but it’s rare

I was the positive story and it’s unravelling a bit at the moment. He’s not drinking but recovery is difficult at the moment. Recovery and abstinence being 2 different things. If he does drink again he will be homeless once he is out of medical detox (the only way it ends) because I can’t do the things I want to do if I am always worrying about whether my house will still be standing if I go away. He won’t engage with services. A condition on coming back last time was to try therapy and that lasted about 6 weeks max I think.

All of which is to say it’s okay to not want to deal with it, it’s okay to want to live in a safe, clean house that doesn’t stink of booze. It’s okay to prioritise yourself. I know another episode is my limit. It has taken me a long time to realise it’s okay to have a limit. I hope he finds his way through and moves on positively but that is out of my control.

it struck me that your husband moved on quickly from increasing drinking to hiding stuff. I wondered whether he had been drinking more than your realised for longer than you realised.

Thankyou again for your replies.

@wouldratgerbeunknown Welcome, you are being so courageous to post this, and I hope it helps you put your thoughts in order. I never had the courage to do anything other than stick my head in, and then be so terrified of the consequences I went back to the 4 th C, covering it up. It is so sad to see the person you love drift away from you.

My only advice is try to find someone in real life to talk to, and carve your own space for good things in the short term. And keep posting, this group helped me stay firm in the end. 🌷

@wouldratgerbeunknown you don't have to take any decisions now. You've only just discovered the extent of this and you are still in shock. Give yourself time to process.

I think it is likely that your husband has been drinking heavily for much longer than you think. Alcohol is so socially acceptable that it's very easy to do. I also think that in April, the chickens came home to roost work wise and that is what triggered the increase.

The thing to remember is that none of this is your problem. It's his. Only he can fix it. What you can do is let things come clear in your own mind, decide what you want your life to look like going forward (and I appreciate that all you have are difficult choices) and put yourself first. If you own your house, I would think very seriously about the possible consequences of him drinking and you staying - at least if you were to split soon, you'd have some money before he drank it all.

He sounds as if he is spiralling. That can be a quick and devastating process; be prepared for it mentally.

Lastly, you are under no obligation at all to stay with him and end up as his carer. He made the choices that brought him here.

When you say spiralling what does that mean?
I wonder if you are right re the length of time it's been going on for? But surely his work would have sacked him by now? He's not self employed but has/ had a very senior role in his company that is one of the things he weeps about the way he's been sidelined and removed from all the interesting stuff travelling abroad etc.
Yes we own our house and we have a joint account that I have never bothered with because I have my own account and use that for day to day stuff. He has never been mean but in comparison to what he earns he has very little savings.so perhaps I need to investigate that a bit more.
Right now I'm sulking and angry but perhaps I should play a long game and start making plans?
It feels shocking to even be thinking like this. As I said he really has been a wonderful husband. He's nice to my awful mum. We've had an amazing life and been so lucky I just cannot beits come to this.
Today I can hear him going up and down the stairs getting drinks.

@wouldratgerbeunknown spiralling is what happens when an addict stops being a functioning addict (i.e. doing well at work, coping well at home, coming across as a fully normal and functioning human being) and crosses the line where the addiction starts adversely impacting their life. Your husband has been sidelined at work - it is likely that his alcohol use has made him less capable, his managers have seen this and so have moved him off anything that is critical. The next step will be manoeuvering him out. Your husband is drinking at just gone 9.30 am on a Sunday morning - that too is spiralling. And the episode where he was going on about being suicidal, being prescribed pills and now using those on top of alcohol - all of that is also a sign of an addict whose addiction is breaking his life apart. He will also be experiencing major effects on his physical health. You see the red face and the bloating - inside, his liver and heart will be affected. The human liver is a marvellous thing. It goes and goes, returning normal liver function tests over and over - until one day it doesn't, and then you are often into hospitalisation territory.

You absolutely should be making long term plans and getting a clear picture of the finances. You should also be seeking support for yourself. This thread is one place, but RL help also matters. There's Al-Anon, but personally I would recommend SMART Family & Friends because they are secular and work on mental health rather than religious support.

Thankyou for your detailed reply.
Unfortunately I think you're right.
He's gone out now ostensibly to church . He was a regular attendee but stopped when Covid stopped that.
He started going again last week
He says this will help him but I think it's actually a ruse to get booze .
Other than the one interaction with the alcohol support services he hasn't had any attempt at a detox . I'm thinking I should encourage him to ask for this?
I'll start future proofing but I think I have to try and support him .i know you must think im naive but I feel I owe him that.
I have told one person in real life but what can she do? She was as shocked as me.

Thankyou also for the info on SMART I will contact them
I did speak to an alcohol support service for families but they were actually very encouraging! However, I think the scenario you've described is the more accurate one.

Drinking at 930am isn’t good tho equally same could be said for 1/2/3pm

I do think from hindsight that your dh has been drinking for a lot longer than you think - same as mine was

drinking a bottle of neat spirits a day is out of control

it’s easy to give advice once we’ve been where you are but so much harder when in the actual middle of it

we are all here for you so post away

what I will say is that it never magically gets better /stops on its own

they have to admit they have a problem and want to get help

and btw - they can be drinkers and lovely people.

My first dh was the most kindest considerate loving alcoholic , who paid his way and Worked hard and had many friends , who all miss him as much as I do

sadly I can’t say the same for dh 2

i still don’t know how I managed to ed up with 2 dh with drinking issues

Think it's just so acceptable to drink and so easy to drink more and more. I also like a glass of wine at the weekend but this has turned me completely off it.

I hope you're OK now Thankyou again for all the advice

@wouldratgerbeunknown so sorry you have found yourself in this position. It is deeply unfair, and I am not surprised you are grieving the life you thought you would have in retirement. It’s a shock.

Also sorry you haven’t seen many positive stories on the thread. Two things came to mind when I read that:

1 There are success stories of addicts who find recovery. A reasonably significant minority probably. Their family members probably wouldn’t seek out and post on this group, so this group is a little “self selecting”. If you watch “Rain in my heart” and know that the bloke featured on that found long term sobriety you can see that amazing things are possible for even those in the worst of places.

2 If you look at it from the perspective of the family members, there are lots of success stories on here. Our success isn’t defined by whether our loved one gets sober or not (we need to accept we can’t control that) but how we take control of our own lives and heal ourselves. There are people on various stages of that journey in the thread with so many shared experiences which I have found a great support and hope you will too.

I remember that being one of the first major revelations when I started going to family recovery groups IRL - I went in thinking that I would be okay once my husband was okay, and I was there to learn how to fix my husband. How wrong was I!? They quickly taught me that was the wrong way to look at it - I needed to find a way to be okay in spite of what he chooses to do - otherwise my happiness and fulfillment was put in the hands of an alcoholic addict. I would always lose unless I stopped allowing myself to be defined by his frankly f’ing hideous life decisions.

But for now, one step at a time. Everyone here took different paths and there is no right or wrong - I supported my husband in going into residential recovery when he first spiraled - I paid for him to go into The Priory and let him completely drop the reins on family life for 3 months to get sober. I felt I was doing the right thing for him and giving him every chance - rather than just kicking him out and giving him the best excuse in the world to further deteriorate and to blame it all on me. After that what he decided to do was up to him. I detached with love.

Keep posting here. We’re here for you.