Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

@hoodiemassive It's such a relief when you stop covering for the alcoholic. But even when kids are aware there's a problem, it is so hard for them to be around. They too experience the dashed hope, the disappointment, the anger, resentment and guilt. For me, I felt for my children's sakes it was better to leave my DH to manage his own recovery...or not.

@hoodiemassive positive progress on a few fronts. Letting people in and getting things out in the open with the DC is such a relief. They might let it percolate for a bit and then have questions.

Kids are 18, 15 and 11 (the 15yo is disabled so very low understanding and I didn’t include him in the talk about their Dad’s drinking).

It is such a burden for them but I can remember no one ever talking about my own Dad’s alcoholism and how confusing that was for me.

Also, if DH fucks up again then at least they have some knowledge of why he has moved out. I hope they feel able to ask questions if they need too.

And @Penguinsandspanielsyou are so right - youngest dc had picked up on all of dh’s secret drinking ways while I was oblivious. He is one of life’s observers.

Ex email today is one of all his happy memories of us. My reply? Screenshotted the ones he sent last week where he accused me of “rinsing him of everything” and a whole load of ‘shame on you’ for being in a caring/ advocacy profession and abandoning and abusing someone in crisis. I don’t even know why I bothered to do that really. Why didn’t I just ignore like I do all the abusive emails. Just the mood swings drive me crazy - why do I have to be the bigger person and not call out the deranged mood swings? Answer is of course that it’s pointless - you can’t reason with an addict. We are supposed to be above perfect in our actions while being on the receiving end of demented. I have inevitably provoked a week of ‘poor me’ emails now though. Grrr. Silence is golden and when will I learn.

@Nogoodusername good for you! At least you have showed him you won’t be easily emotionally manipulated!

@Nogoodusername that is exactly what I get as I am also in a caring profession. The alternate abuse/poor me/good memories.
At the moment I am getting the private number calls, which I am ignoring.

Mine didn’t tell me that when I went to work they dh was drinking / she was 6 ffs

she was scared to tell me as she didn’t want dh to be cross with her

when she did tell me , i promised i wouldn’t tell him what she said and I waiter another month or two till I caught him out

she needed to know that she could trust me whatever she told me

That’s it.

You can’t reason with an addict

I got an apology today. Well half hearted from dh

over 2w ago we popped into to see him and he was drunk and called me a cunt and dd and I left in minutes

I posted on here and glad I showed my boundaries - been a peaceful 2w not hearing anything from him

he did say he was very sorry for calling me that

then he said I went on the wrong day and I can’t Just pop in

I replied shouldn’t matter what day I come round as you tell me you aren’t drinking so ……….

i know deep down he will always drink and I said no point saying anything else as he will twist it round to bring my fault

So guess what? Ex didn’t like me reminding him how abusive he was a week ago by replying to his happy memories email by sending him two screenshots of his abusive emails last week. This was apparently very cruel, how could I be so heartless to shame someone that was in distress when he sent them. He is now back to insulting me by email. I’ve had three in a row. Ah you couldn’t make that shit up. Probably I should have just ignored the nice email like I ignore all emails because it’s just feeding the deranged beast, but sometimes you just get sick of being the mature and sensible one. They never change huh…

Never @Nogoodusername 💐

I’m glad you got an apology (the addict version of an apology) for the awful abuse last week @Penguinsandspaniels.

true though, they will turn around everything. I didn’t even say anything, just sent Ex’s words back at him, and somehow his words are my fault. lol. How could I remind him of a time when he was struggling so much. Aka last Sunday. Never occurred to him that if he held his vicious tongue in check for once then I wouldn’t have anything to send back at him.

The mind really does boggle with addict logic. How do they think it’s ok to abuse you one day then send memory emails a few days later as if the previous emails didn’t happen. Madness.

@Nogoodusername they can't do a sincere apology because then they are back to having to face the fact that the problem is them, not everyone else. That's what you're up against.

I can completely understand your desire to throw his hurtful words back at him when he tries to weasel his way back in, but it won't do any good. Only you can weigh the temporary satisfaction it brings you against the fallout you get afterwards. There isn't a right way, only a waythat's right for you.

Normally I do just ignore @pointythings as it is such a predictable cycle of abuse/ silence/ then ‘apology’ or tale of woe/ lashing out if I don’t accept the ‘apology’ or the tale of woe. But the annoyance took over that someone could be so demented to send a happy memories email with no apology first about last weekend’s abuse, that I screenshotted and sent (with no cover text at all) immediately. Usually I draft a reply to get the rage out of my system and then delete. Feeding the beast gets me nowhere! You are absolutely right that it doesn’t do any good. I’ll probably get a couple more ranty emails now over the weekend and then silence will resume again. Silence is preferable!

You have a clear head on your shoulders. Pleae don't beat yourself up over having responded this time. You're a human being and we all have our breaking points.

You are very wise @pointythings. Does this come with time or once they are dead (sorry) as you know it’s at an end

Unfortunately it comes with the wisdom that you get from making all the mistakes and doing all the things that make sod all difference. It took me a while to realise that I was enabling my husband's alcoholism and that I was enmeshed in all the destructive patterns that us codependent partners get stuck in. I didn't get out of that until I was about 5 years in trying desperately to hold the family together. I still don't know why something suddenly clicked, but that was when I started detaching. It was also when I started reading research papers on alcohol addiction (I was working in mental health research at that point, so it was a logical thing to do). Once I took in that information it speeded up the detaching process until I felt strong enough to openly discuss the situation and then as things didn't get any better, put in the ultimatum that was the beginning of the end.

My current clarity is, as always heavily shaded with hindsight. That's why I'm here on these threads, so that others might be able to shorten the process and get out faster than I did.

None of us who went through this got it right -how could we? It is baffling and infuriating and horrible and we are all only human so of course we react. But as @pointythings says, those of us who been through it, can talk about where we know now we went wrong. I've said before that I was always hoping for a sincere apology and a realisation from him that he had behaved terribly. I didn't understand that as long as he continued to drink, all promises and apologies would be meaningless and that we'd be continually let down.

I don’t feel able to give advice on this thread as I am still in the thick of it but it really helps to hear from @pointythings and @CharlotteByrde about their journey.

This thread keeps me accountable and aware that success is hard fought for and often - sadly - unobtainable altogether.

I am preparing myself for complete failure for the first time with DH drinking and that is a positive I’ve achieved thanks to people on here.

Honestly, that is all that those of us who are out and on the other side ever want to hear - that we are useful to people who are still going through it. I had such great support from the RL group that I now run, and the need to pay it forward is powerful.

Let out a wry smile at “addict’s version of an apology” upthread. Rings very true!

I remember when my ex was doing the twelve steps (one of the multiple times he allegedly did) and was talking about making amends to someone fairly oblique - someone like his Brother in law. I remember saying, “when will you be making amends to me?” -you know the one permanently in the eye of the shit storm And he answered, oh I have done you already. Really!? I hadn’t noticed. He said something like - two Tuesdays ago I said or did x or y - something completely innocuous I can’t even remember now - which barely registered in my consciousness at the time. That was apparently him making amends of a decade plus of all the BS I put up with. His sponsor was apparently very proud of how he was progressing with the steps. Okaaaaaay.

@Addictforanex that about sums it up, take all the shit and barely get an appology. Its all about being expected to put up with it, pretend it didnt happen and get thrown a few breadcrumbs to soften you up.

Im on day 3 of having letters delivered to the door. Luckily I have been out each time. Letters begging for help, and pleading for more chances. I feel sorry for him, but I cant do anything to help. I am not looking forward to being at home when he calls.

@ByeByeDrinker Don't answer the door. If he is loud/aggressive or won't leave, call the police. Take no nonsense.

@CharlotteByrde thats my plan, I think I will unblock and send another tec telling him to stop coming to the house. And that if he does I will call the police.

In some ways the verbal abuse is easier to manage than the pitiful behaviour. But either way, I dont want him here. I dont want his letters, phone calls and andwer phone messages.

The pitiful begging for help wont last, it will turn back to threats and abuse before long. Im not even listening to the messages, as i think there will be talk of suicide.

He asked to borrow £20 today. Obv I said no 🙄