Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

It is scary. But you will find very quickly that it is better. You will lose a lot of anxiety that you are probably not even aware you carry as well. Much love to you xx

@Ebananascroogey I know it’s easy for your support network to shrink while being with an alcoholic because they consume so much of your time and emotional energy, but do get back in touch with someone - you’ll be surprised by how ready they are to support you again.

There is no hell like loving an alcoholic, and it’s amazing the peace and clarity that comes with leaving them. I still love and miss my Ex, but the man I wanted him to be if he kicked the addiction and not who he actually is now and has been for years. I still feel furious that he wasn’t able to do the hard work of recovery consistently to get his life back, his children back, me back. But it is what it is. I have to save myself and move on.

@Ebananascroogey you will find that alone is unimaginably better than life with an addict. Take it from us. We live it.

And when you reach out and speak up, you'll be surprised by how many people are happy to have you back.

@Ebananascroogey You are living with a verbally abusive alcoholic, so alone will be a much happier option. Anyway, you are not alone. There is support here and on the phone and you will find it in real life, either through groups for family and friends of alcoholics or from people you know. When I finally felt able to tell people, it helped so much.

@Hellodarknes5 welcome. You'll find support here. My heart goes out to you. It must be so hard when the addict is your child.

@Hellodarknes5 it is the hardest thing when it is your child who is the addict in your life. Worse when they are ND and vulnerable.

But do think about your own self care. You cannot drop him and I totally get that, but have a think about where your boundary is in terms of what you can and cannot accept from him. I don't know whether he is living with you or not, but either way you need to consider your own well-being in this.

And welcome to the best support group on Mumsnet.

@Ebananascroogey please don’t agree to leave again. Have him arrested and removed. You have a right to a peaceful life. It is illegal for him to scream in your face. Your needs are also important. Please prioritise yourself. Please reach out to people, let work know what is happening, contact family, old friends. Support groups. Never minimise or cover for him again.
You cannot have a successful relationship with an alcoholic in active addiction in my view. I love my relative, and I worry for them, particularly to be alone at Christmas, but I am no contact because contact with them was destroying me and I owed it to myself and my family to step away from the chaos. I honestly thought that they would be dead within 6 months when I cut contact, but 6 years on they are alive somehow, still drinking.
@Hellodarknes5 . Welcome. It is so difficult that your addict is your child, and still very young. I have a strong maternal bond with my relative, the child of my dead addicted sister. I can remember them at every stage. I felt very guilty that I hadn’t been able to help more. They really played on that. But I was also caring for their child and it was clear who should take priority.Eventually I set out some clear, fair boundaries, and consequences for breaking them. And I followed through. I’m so glad I did. Your son may choose to destroy himself, but you may be able to set some boundaries to limit further damage to you . 💐

@Ebananascroogey it is very hard to leave /kick the alcoholic out - you keep hoping that this relapse will be the last and give them one more chance

but don’t leave your home. He is the problem. He can leave

im sorry your friends aren’t supporting uou. I’m thankful for mine

contact them. Say you have finally reliesed and that you need their support and friendship now more than ever.

for me it’s the not walking on eggshells - I didn’t reliese how much I did it till I didn’t

welcome @Hellodarknes5

Thank you everyone. I know you are all right & I will be so much better off, it just feels so hard right now.
It's made worse by the fact we are meant to be going on holiday with some of his family in a couple of days. I dont want to let them down by not going (they cant go without us) but if he won't come & stays here I fear for the safety & wellbeing of my dogs.
I'm such an idiot, I should have let them remove him last night & this dilemma wouldn't exist, but always at the last minute I lose my nerve & try to rescue him again. I'm going to keep posting here so that I can stop the rescuing & walk away.

@Ebananascroogey it is not an easy path, but you might want to consider an occupation order and non molestation orders. Women’s Aid is a good source of information. It is possible to take control.
i get it about the dogs, that was one of the reason I didn’t just walk away when I could have more easily. Just a thought if you are on good terms with his family and they understand can you go away with them and take the dogs/put them in kennels?

We're going abroad so can't take the dogs unfortunately. They had such a bad time in kennels before we rescued them, so that would be my absolute last resort, but im leaning towards it now, because i just wouldn't want to inflict his horrible drunkeness on the dog sitter!
I nearly typed that maybe leaving him behind would be his wake up call, but of course it won't be, it'll just be a few nag free days of drinking lots!

It's so hard @Ebananascroogey , when they just keep on repeating the same cycle. Was he meant to be looking after the dogs? I don't blame you not leaving them with him.

Do his family know about his drinking? If you can't go because of his drinking then its not for you to feel guilty. This is the consequences of his actions.

No, he's meant to be coming with us & we had a dog sitter coming to stay, which can't happen if he's drunk in the house. His family choose to minimise his drinking to suit their narrative, I've always said it leaves me like a swan, calm on the surface & paddling like fuck under the water to protect the step grandkids from the fall out with no support from anyone.
As much as i'll go on the holiday & play happy families if i can, the eyes i see him through tonight see much more of the bad than the good & that can only be a positive in terms of moving forward.

Personally, I would tell him to go off with his family and you stay at home with the dogs or go somewhere lovely on your own. It would be more relaxing for you and maybe if his family see the extent of his drinking they might be less likely to minimise. Sadly, you're not a happy family and pretending you are will be terribly stressful. In my experience, if his family continue to minimise, you won't be able to look to them for support and they may be angry with you if you throw him out.

I agree, let them go and you stay at home/go away by yourself. If you keep pretending, you will lose yourself. And he needs to feel the consequences of his actions. Take the time to change the locks, and move on from this. It won't get any easier.

Why can’t they go without you ?

But let them all go together and you stay at home with dogs or go away in UK and take dogs

If you go, might be an idea to make a conscious decision to not do anything to shield his family from seeing the true extent of his drinking. Don’t cover up for him, minimize for him, or take him away when he gets drunk, let it all hang out and see if they can ignore the problem then! They might get a better appreciation for what you are dealing with.

Thank you everyone, hearing the advice & opinions has helped more than i knew it would. To everyone saying don't go, i would love to have a few days peace at home just me & the dogs, but if i don't go no-one will go (trying not to out myself here by saying more). I am going to take the advice above & not cover for him. If he's drunk they will see it. If he carries on he may well end up in a foreign police cell. I will not step in or help out or pay anything. I have spoken to one of the people going who has reluctantly admitted that maybe he just hides his problem well & if i need safety they have space in their room for me to bunk in with them. That's the best I can do right now.
There is currently an uneasy peace & drinking has been agreed that it will be moderate & after 4pm, i have to take that as a small win.
Work have been more supportive than i ever imagined a workplace could be. i'm lucky that my immediate manager is an amazing lady who i think i can call a friend. We've looked at so many options for how i change things & what support can be put in place when i get back. I feel cautiously optimistic about the future now, it won't be the one i imagined, but you know maybe that's ok.

i’m glad things are feeling more in control @Ebananascroogey.

A lesson I learnt far too late is not to cover. I read somewhere that it is the 4th C: you didn’t cause if, you can’t control it, you can’t cure it and you shouldn’t cover it. I covered far far too much for Ex - with work, with clients, with his family, his friends, and with his children too. It solved nothing and if anything just dragged out the inevitable: he continued vaguely functioning and in denial and avoiding help for longer but ultimately no one stays functioning forever and Ex lost it all in the end.

Set your boundaries and stick to them. I’d be very surprised if your H is able to stick to moderate and after 4pm only, though perhaps that is my experience because my Ex was physically dependent and would go into withdrawal if he didn’t have a morning drink. If he does drink earlier and more than agreed, exercise your boundary - withdraw to the other room.

I hope the trip goes ok and do take time to think about what you want your return home to look like. Keep posting here for support. It’s the group no one wants to be part of but it is the best group for support!

Things are going from bad to worse for me. My ex is doing everything he can to make life difficult for me. Which includes trying to get me sacked, trying all ways to pull me back in. Asking other people to contact me. Its very stressful, and I am having to work hard at managing my anxiety levels.

Have you told work about your situation? If you can, you should. My work were incredibly supportive, and at the very least they will know your ex is being malicious in his attempts to get you in trouble. Now is the time to open up about what is going on.

Not fully, but I will have to now as it is escalating. Its just so unnecessary, but I am going to stay strong and push through. This too shall pass.

Interesting to think about covering up for a drinker…I spoke to the kids today about their Dad getting help for his drinking. Turns out they are pretty aware already (as many on this thread could have predicted) and while they didn’t want to fully engage with the conversation, it felt good to break free of the cover up operation I’ve been on for years.

DH has agreed to tell his parents, also in the spirit of accountability - whether he will or not remains to be seen.

The tapering down is back on course here, although he could just be lying to avoid being kicked out of course.

He isn’t seeing the recovery nurse until the end of the month which is slooow but at least he has something to taper down for.

@ByeByeDrinker I was in a similar situation (he was phoning reception at my work and saying horrible things about me). I ended up telling virtually everyone at work and got so much support, including the occasional hug when one was needed.

Moderate drinking - not gonna happen @Ebananascroogey as once he starts he won’t be able to stop

but least you can go to their room is need a safe place

def don’t cover. But we all do. Out of shame - embarrassment - fear - love even

sorry hear this @ByeByeDrinker

@hoodiemassive how old are dc ? Kids pick up on things quickly