Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

@Nogoodusername that's exactly my story. Bring drawn back in, as there is no one else left to help him. The high expectations of what everyone else should do/be but the rules don't apply for him.

I have hopefully managed to get out before I am a shell of myself. But I could feel it starting to happen. I can't help him, and he cant help himself either. I fell for the man he could be, not the man he is. But now, I can't bear the sight of him.

I love the term 'hope based enabler' . I have never seen it put so well.

Sounds like mine tho

he has no money and any money uc he gets he will buy booze with it

Interesting to see others talk rock bottoms - makes total sense - every time I thought my ex-H had reached his, he plumbed new depths. Whereas one day I hit the limit of what was prepared to put up with and a switch flipped - that was my rock bottom I guess and thank goodness l didn’t stick around to get dragged down forever deeper.

Your Ex sounds so much like mine! He is the most critical and judgmental person I have ever met in addiction. Literally scathing about me, his siblings, not to mention also dismissive of his psychiatrist (when she says what he doesn’t want to hear), support professionals etc. But he will accept nothing back. Zero. His latest email yesterday, I wondered if we lived in an alternative reality where I did everything I could for him (and I am genuinely ashamed at how much enabling I did - I posted on this thread about it a couple of weeks back) and he gave nothing back but crisis, chaos, alcohol abuse, coke abuse. He would try to ruin any important occasion I had with suicide threats/ crisis (I assume because the spotlight was taken off him) and even turned a family bereveament into how it impacted him (my availability, felt excluded).

Addicts are ridiculously self centered. In my anger I once told him that everyone was just parts in his show. Didn’t like that!

I’ve gone back a couple of times. It is so hard not to get drawn back in because ultimately I would like him to recover and be a Dad again, a brother again, a functioning human being. Not with me, but because it is so hard to see how much addiction can destroy everything about a person. It’s never stopped the slide though, so this time I hope I will last longer or permanently. Currently ignoring the emails at least, regardless of whether they are optimistic or accusatory.

I wish I could claim responsibility but it was a term on one of the many ‘loving and leaving an addict’ website articles I read to try and get me to come to my senses and leave! It is a great term though, and absolutely who I was.

i’ll try and post it

'Hope-based enabler'... I've never heard the term either but that was my dad. I've never liked the phrase 'enabler' – to me, it has a sinister undertone and gets nowhere near capturing the complexity of the situation. This is better. My dad hoped and believed so strongly that things would get better. For a long time, he had a vision of my mother in her sixties and beyond, in which she would be calm, sober and enjoying life. He wanted that so much.

He definitely did enable her, and protected her from the consequences of drinking, to our family's detriment. I can't deny that. He was also completely blindsided by it all, deeply bemused, busy trying to pay the mortgage and hold life together while the woman he married was replaced by someone mean, cold, selfish and (frankly) quite repellent. It sends you mad.

It's a good concept to know, in all of this. Same for the idea that it is us who reach rock bottom. Fresh ways of looking at it.

Adding my vote for ‘hope based enabler’. That was me….even on the last day….then I realised I was at rock bottom. I have clarity in the hind sight, but when you are in the middle it all seems impossible. 🌺

Tbh I’m a hope based enabler with my friend who lives with us. He hasn’t had a drink for over a year but there are other issues he isn’t dealing with & doesn’t have to deal with as long as he lives with us. And as I am sure many know here - it’s not just the drinking that’s the issue. No denying he has made a lot of progress though.

So I I have hope. My dream is that he moves on positively from here. I know there are many other possible outcomes though. Sadly.

We all enable them

sometimes due to fear or shame or embarrassment that we are seeing and dealing with this daily

Dh’s tapering down was blown last night - he is still waiting for the call from his recovery nurse and in the absence of anything happening, he said he drank his usual amount.

I am close to my rock bottom and have said that if he fucks up again he will have to move out.

What a mess we’re in.

I do hope you realise that was a pathetic excuse from him. He didn't have to do that, it was a choice. If he had started tapering, he could have held at the previous day's amount, or dropped a unit. If not, he could safely have dropped a unit or two. This isn't a good sign, I'm afraid.

Agreed. I am gutted. He had so far to go to sobriety and he’s now a million miles further away.

I was at work yesterday evening and he didn’t even try and hide it from the kids - our ds11 knew he was drinking in the house and said he is ‘fed up of Dad’s addiction’. We can’t live like this anymore.

He reckons he will start to taper down again this evening but I’m so nearly done I almost don’t care.

I am terrified, really scared for myself mainly. Why can’t he just do the decent thing and taper down? We have a ds15 who is severely disabled and adores his Dad. He has very little understanding of most things but will be very angry if I kick dh out. But I can’t continue to enable this alcoholic’s addiction can I?

I am so sorry, @hoodiemassive. Recovery isn't something you can dip in and out of though. Having a DC who isn't able to understand the situation makes things infinitely harder, but ultimately staying with your H will adversely affect him too. Take your time to think about where the boundary is, and act when you are ready. There is no right or easy way to do this, unfortunately.

I’m so sorry @hoodiemassive. My ex was utterly incapable of tapering down. His version of tapering down was - one good day, one 30 unit day to reward himself. He was therefore put on a medically managed home detox, but relapsed about 10 days later.

I haven’t got any reassuring words to offer I’m afraid, just to say that it is gutting and infuriating being stuck on a hamster wheel with an addict. Mine has relapsed after stays in rehab, after a home detox. I have had to save myself by leaving. I understand it is complicated for you with children, and one disabled, but you could always leave the door open for a future reconciliation once he has sustained sobriety for a while? But put yourself first. The endless disappointments are just so crushing. Big hugs xx

((Hugs)) @hoodiemassive. It is so hard but as @pointythings said he chose to carry on drinking and same amount

be kind to your self

Aw so sorry @hoodiemassive, it’s a kick in the teeth.

Definitely define your healthy boundaries, and anymore BS excuses like that one or breaching of boundaries and he should agree to go, it’s clearly affecting and upsetting the children. As @Nogoodusername says doesn’t have to be forever, unless someone has a year of sobriety under their belt they still feel to me to be in early recovery which is a high risk danger zone of relapses for a lot of people. Frequent relapses = hellish for family members.

Thanks for the advice - I was so naive about recovery, so it helps to hear from those who’ve been through the whole messy affair.

DH has agreed to leave if/when he fucks up again. I’ve been clear that ideally he’ll be able to stop but I can’t keep holding out for it.

Thanks for the hugs, I need them right now.

Frequent relapses are hellish. Ex had three relapses after inpatient rehab in less than a year and the last one honestly broke me. While I have all sympathy about just how hard recovery is - every day is a battle against your mental and physical cravings - I just couldn’t take anymore. The hoping, the anxiety, the fear as you know the house of cards you have built can come tumbling down at any moment. It’s no way to live. Every time Ex relapsed he became vile. I assume it was because he was so angry and disappointed at himself, as well as fearful that he would ever break free of addiction, but chose to lash out at me instead.

That one was the end for both of us really - he’s never properly tried again to get sober (just all the excuses about why he can’t - mental health, neurodiversity, his shit show of a life aka everything he has lost due to addiction) and it was my rock bottom: where I realised that I couldn’t live this life and that his rock bottom will most likely be death.

Tho ex dh never went into detox he relapsed so many times

few months in - Xmas - dd birthday - Easter - summer

looking back I keep thinking why did I leave it so long to be strong enough kick him out

he was/is never going to change

but you hold on to that little bit of hope if they can stop drinking

Posting this now, incoherently crying my eyes out because I need to become accountable for ignoring my rock bottom. Currently removed from my own home after my alcoholic husband kicked off yet again & i am so stupid that to keep him safe I agreed to go. Currently sat on the floor in a freezing house devoid of furniture, wondering how my life went so wrong. I've read & re-read this thread over the last week or so trying to get up the courage to post, but I keep losing the courage in the hope that if I dont admit anything its not happening. When he screamed slag in my face so aggressively tonight that I rang the police in fear of my safety I realised what an idiot i am. I still just want to go home tomorrow & cuddle him though. WTF is wrong with me??

I am new here. I have the pleasure of being mum to an alcoholic 23 year old. He has adhd, constantly suicidal, supposed to be tapering but taking the absolute p*. He us having dbt and has been told he will have a residential detox at some point as it is

@Ebananascroogey You have taken the first step, and now you have to keep going. Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to, who can in some way help you stay accountable to what your head knows is the right thing to do I understand your feelings, as I know I lived them. You might find reading about trauma bonds useful to realise your feelings are not unusual. Keep posting, I found this community so helpful in keeping me accountable to my decisions when like you all I wanted in my heart to do was contact him. 💐

The only way my friend who lives with us can taper is via hospital admission and diazepam. Had some young paramedic lecture us about trusting him (oh sweet summer child). Had called them as he had received diazepam in hospital, had drank on top and was now utterly unresponsive (until paramedics arrived). They left him half a bottle of whiskey to taper with. It was all gone within ten minutes of them leaving 😂

That was my first rodeo. I have learned a lot since then. First of which is to leave him to it, second to not even suggest to help with a taper (if he decided he wanted to - completely different) and third just be around to be aware of when he is acutely unwell enough to be admitted for a hospital detox.

Hopefully (there’s the hope) he’s all done with that. Our boundary is not again - he’s had three tumbles off the wagon since being here & with long periods of not drinking. If he goes again I feel our protection from the consequences of checking out of life for 6 weeks at a time (no concerns about having a bed, food, warmth, companionship) are enabling.

@Ebananascroogey - do you have any chance of therapy from an addiction aware counsellor. Navigating codependency is really bloody difficult and it can be helpful to understand why you discount yourself and your needs (as you have recognised),

Also Al-anon or Smart Recovery Family and Friends can be really helpful. xxx

Thank you both for your kind words. Im home now because I have to work & i couldn't do that in an empty house with no Internet.
I have no-one to lean on, all my friends are gone, collateral damage from living with an addict i guess.
It all feels so hopeless right now, but so many on this thread have done it, so I have to believe I can too.
I've lined up a whole load of trauma bond podcasts to listen to later, it's a thought that's been in the back of my mind for a while & it's been validating to hear someone else say it could be a thing.
It's just that if he goes I'm totally alone & that scares the life out if me.