Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

@amlie8 Thank you. Yes, the journey is hard, along with the realisation grief never goes away it just becomes part of your make up. I think my main emotion at the moment is numbness, I've got through a raft of major one year anniversaries very calmly. I seem to have gone from wanting to be busy all the time, to being more content in the quiet by myself. I realise that I probably also am supressing a lot as I am dealing with very elderly parents, whose crises major and minor have to be managed.
I am sure you are not crap at your job at the moment, I am sure also you have to give yourself grace to deal with the fall out from your mother's death, and maybe hold yourself to different standards while you look after yourself. 🌺

@Adultchildalcoholic Sorry to hear that. This is a good place to talk/rant when you want to.

So many had violence 😢

dh wasn’t violent but def emotionally and verbally abusive

looking back not sure why I took it for so long

been a week since I turned up and he was drunk and left and he hasn’t texted me or dd. I’m kinda sad he hasn’t texted her but not surprised tbh

@Userccjlnhibibljn8

you brain dump - it’s good to release and nothing to be shamed of. You let your emotions go

and hope you have a beautiful mantle this year

@Adultchildalcoholic when you feel ready then this thread and us are here and listening

just writing it down helps

and many about outing. I said that last week that if anyone reads this they will know who I am but then who will be reading this thread if they haven’t alcohol based people in their lives

edited for spelling

Hard to know how to start this but I am married to an alcoholic and was an alcoholic’s daughter. I have been with dh for 21 years and for all of that he has been an alcoholic (I thought he was sober through most of that time).

A couple of nights ago he confessed everything about his drinking. For the last 10 years he has been lying about being sober but has been drinking in secret.

I grew up with an alcoholic Dad and really thought I was too switched on to fall for the lies, but I was wrong.

DH is about to start a detox programme. He has been drinking a massive amount and has the shakes during the day when he doesn’t drink.

We both agree he has to move out if the detox isn’t successful. And I’m gutted about that. He is a lovely man, very kind and gentle. He has drunk so much for so long, he doesn’t show the typical effects of alcohol consumption so it’s been easy for him to hide his out of control addiction. If he can’t quit then the drink will kill him and he’ll have lost everything as will I.

My Dad was an aggressive drunk but dh hasn’t ever been like that. But oh my God, the pain I feel about his drinking is off the scale.

I will keep reading this thread for support.

@hoodiemassive I am so sorry to hear this, and welcome to the thread. You sound as if you have your head on straight. Everything you feel is normal and valid, especially the conflicting stuff.

I think you are right to make detox and sobriety a condition for staying. Alcoholics pretty much always get worse, even if they're reasonably benign as people. Your DH will need support to.addtess yhe reasons for his drinking,and that does mean professional help. You yourself need to ensure you don't burn yourself up caring for him. Self care is not selfish.

This thread is a safe space where you can say anything, vent, rage - whatever it takes. We're here for you.

Glad you found your way here @hoodiemassive, and please don’t feel you are at fault for not noticing the problem. Alcoholics make it their life’s mission to keep others from preventing them from drinking and this usually means covering up and lying. I didn’t discover my DH’s problems until it had got out of control and for years I beat myself up for “not seeing it”.

Am sure you are full of hope right now and I hope for you your DH gets on the path to recovery now he’s taken the big step of fessing up and admitting he has a problem and seeking help. It’s amazing how many people don’t even get to that point, or they fake it.

Keep reading and posting x

Thanks for the warm welcome and good advice - it is good to be among people who understand.

@hoodiemassive they are cunning and hide it well so don’t feel bad

I thought dh was sober :not drinking but wrong

when they drink so much it’s scary to doubt if had a drink of only drank a little your dh sounds similar to mine tho not the shakes but then he was drinking daily when with me

now on own he may have the shakes if not drinking every day and he can’t as he can’t afford it

What’s the likely hood of having 2 dh who are both alcoholics

first dh was gentle nice loving no arguing so never thought of leaving him

second dh who im divorcing is horrible when drunk and swore at me and shouting and aggressive

@hoodiemassive So sorry. That must have come as a horrible shock. I hope the detox goes smoothly and is the beginning of the road to him being in recovery. Whatever happens in the future, there is support here for you. x

It's my first post on this thread. I ended a relationship with an alcoholic recently. We dont have children together, and didnt live together.

He had been drinking on and off, but ended up drinking solidly for weeks. Got really unwell and had a hospital detox/treatment for a few days. He was very ill, and confused due to his liver being a mess.

I was still supporting him, but he's back drinking. And with that comes the verbal abuse etc and of course everything is my fault. I've blocked him, and don't want to ever see or speak to him again.

I got drawn back in by the awfulness, but I dont want it to happen again. I know he is going to end up dead, sooner rather than later. I just want to save myself now.

@ByeByeDrinker you know in your heart that you have made the best possible decision, I hope. It is hard, but at least he is showing his true colours. Look after yourself and don't be drawn back in.

It’s always our fault @ByeByeDrinkeraccording to them. Never their fault

you had a lucky escape as no kids and no ties and yes if has medical issues and carrys drinking he’s not doing his self any good

Thanks, I do know its the right decision. Its just knowing he hasnt got anyone else. But that's the nature of addiction and this is the consequence.

I am scared of the fallout, he's likely to turn up drunk and need to be removed by the police, and all that comes with that.

@ByeByeDrinkeryou have to let him reach his rock bottom - don’t be afraid to protect yourself and don’t let him take you with him to whatever depths he sinks into.

Stay strong, you’ve got this.

They always speak about Rock bottom. Dh hasn’t found ir yet

I fear his rock bottom will be death and too late

@PenguinsandspanielsI fear the same for my dh too he’s currently at a new rock bottom but the truth is there’s still further to fall…

I’ve said before losing

his home with me - now in flat paid by uc

his marriage
his wife
his family /seeing dd daily
his older kids don’t talk/see him

his job
his van as couldn’t afford to run it
his health - acute pancreatitis

yet still drinks and lies

what is rock bottom as I thought all of the above would be enough and it’s not

Rock bottom is gping to be death, as thats all he has left to be honest. I just dont want to be taken down with him or to have to watch it. Its very sad, but I cant deal with it. Being expected to tolerate the abuse and still be a friend. Fuck that, I'm done.

@ByeByeDrinker Well good for you. He really isn’t your problem. It’s ghastly to watch someone hurt themselves, but he also hurts you and I expect if you said that you would get outrage, because it’s all about them. There may be some fallout initially, but it’s so worth it. Stay strong, plan little things to look forward to and don’t let him pull you back in. We are here, but I hope you also have some real life support, not everyone does.

Thanks @Zebracat. Absolutely its all about him. I am held to the highest standards, but he can call me what he wants, and thats okay as he's drinking. I have got real life support, but this thread is helping so much.

Now I have blocked him, I will only hear from him if he turns up on the doorstep. I tried to be a friend, and support him but its a full time job, with verbal abuse. Now he has no one left, but I can't do anymore.

I have hardened my heart to it, as I can't change anything. And everything I do is enabling him to carry on.

I have always felt rock bottom applies more to us than to our alcoholics. It's when we say 'no more' and start the work of getting out.

@ByeByeDrinker You've hit your rock bottom and and that's what matters. Stay strong because you're absolutely right to step away.

I am so fed up of the guilt, worry etc and not being able to sleep. I know next week I will be a week further on than I am now. Everyday is one day closer to leaving this behind me.

It's hard to know that he is killing himself, but I know I cant change that. It's a horrible disease, and I am trying to maintain my humanity. Even though it is that humanity that drives me to want to stop the inevitable.

I also believe that rock bottom is for us and not the addict themselves.

ex has lost:
his wife
his partner (me)
his children (currently barred from seeing them at all)
his business
his health
his siblings
a lot of friends
is burning through his savings (divorce settlement) so his finances too

@ByeByeDrinker : I was also not married to my ex and we didn’t have children together, but it is still very hard to walk away as you fear that you’ll be the final straw. I broke up with my ex in July but was drawn back in a couple of months back by promises of ‘doing really well with support, can you support me through a home detox’ etc. guess what, relapsed after 10 days and all the verbal abuse started again.

the blame is literally the modus operandi of addicts. Ex is blocked on WhatsApp and texts but I still get emails. He is delusional. He is full of self pity and rage about how everyone gets it wrong and lets him down and don’t we all know what addicts need. The usual vile things about me and utter re-writing of our relationship where I gave him nothing and did nothing. Yeah, that’s definitely how I remember the past 2 years where I did everything I could to save him (stupidly, as we can’t save them, but I clearly was a hope-based enabler: if I do this one more thing he will turn a corner).

We have to save ourselves. Loving ex turned me into a shell of a person.