Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

Similar feelings @amlie8

I look back at my childhood and wonder what the fuck happened. Why was it just accepted? It was this huge secret, I wasn’t to talk about it, yet apparently everyone knew, and no one did anything.

I have asked some family members in recent years why they failed to act and I’ve never had a satisfactory explanation.

That’s so sad and makes me thankful that I have left dh

i know dd loves him and tho she knows the drinking i dont think she totally understands why we aren’t together

and tbh she prob will understand more when she is older

but I know I’ve done the right thing. Fir her and for me - just hard at times.

esp when lies and says he isn’t drinking and makes me out to be the bad non supportive person to people / who for some reason. Actually believe what he says

@Penguinsandspaniels I think that not being in the same household will help your daughter massively. You and @Addictforanex are clearly doing all the right things and you're protecting your DC as much as is possible.

Someone close to me brought up a step-daughter whose mother was also an alcoholic. As far as I know, the children were taken from the mother quite young, because she had badly injured the child. Utterly horrific. Nothing like that happened to me but my friend reckons I had it worse, ultimately, because I continued to live in the chaos. This poor girl was pretty messed up by her situation but my friend worked very hard to give her a normal, calm family life. I don't agree she had it any better. I think it was undeniably worse and has affected her a lot as an adult. But it felt quite good(?) to hear that someone appreciates that it was bad. (I know it is not a competition.)

@Adultchildalcoholic thank you for letting me know you share how I feel. I haven't brought it up with anyone. Sometimes I want to but I doubt I'd get any good answers. Probably just cause upset. It's helpful to just say it here, though.

Thank you @amlie8. I do it all for her

dh downing vodka in front of us was the icing on the cake as such

I really hope dd understands when she’s older she I did /doing and why

he will end up dying due to booze and that worries me for her. That her dad will be dead - not that he’s much of a dad at the moment but in her eyes he’s still her dad

yesterday was bad. Took dd to see her dad after school as he’s always moaning doesn’t see her enough. Well she doesn’t want to go usually

he had trouble undoing the door which was the first sign. Wobbling and slurring. I asked if he been drinking. Course he said no

scary thing is that he didn’t seem drunk but his actions did and sadly I know him and how much he lies

and scary how convincing he can be

and now we don’t live together I see the drinking so clearly where when we did , people would say he’s been drinking and I would say no as didn’t seem drunk to me

as guess I was so used to his Behaviour he would seem see normal/sober to me

i feel so stupid how stupid /blind I was to it 😢😢

needless to say , I said we were leaving as not letting dd be in that situation

he started calling me a cunt and bitch and we left after not even 5 mins

the above outs me if anyone is reading and knows me as told friends and family last night his behaviour

equally anyone who knows me prob isn’t reading this section as don’t have a dh who drinks

I feel so sad that we have this amazing dd who is so kind gentle lovely and loving and he doesn’t appreciate her or see what he is doing

I am so sorry, @penguinsandspaniels. However, please be sure that you did the right thing. You were in an unsafe situation, you held your boundaries and you got out. Bravo. I am sure you will find age appropriate words to tell your DD that her dad was not well enough to spend time with her.

That’s what I said. That he Loves her but he’s ill and when he drinks he’s becomes a not nice person and makes people sad with his actions

That's perfect. And you have protected her. As she gets older, she will learn about alcohol and what it does, and she will understand. You're also protecting her from addiction by being open with her; my DC both know they are at increased risk because alcohol addiction runs in their dad's family.

It’s just so bloody hard

Yes, it is. It's hard, it's painful, it's sad, it's infuriating. Having an addict in your life is all of that and more.

@Penguinsandspaniels well done on handling such a horrible situation and keeping your DD safe.

Solidarity!

Thank you @Addictforanex

I have been in exactly that situation @Penguinsandspaniels and it is horrible. Your poor DD. You did and said exactly the right things.

She asked tonight if dh loves her

I said yes Course he does

just when he drinks he’s not nice and says horrible things that makes people sad

what I wanted to say was

he only loves his self

he Loves booze more than his family

he’s is in such denial about how much he drinks or his favourite one to his eldest dd in 30’s

you and bf have a drink. Why is it ok for you to have a bottle but not me

well erm you are the alcoholic and can’t stop at one

dd might have a glass with her bf. She might drink the bottle so 2 glasses each or have one and leave on fridge for 3 days

she /we/I can stop at one or not drinks for weeks /months

where he can’t leave any in a bottle if open

he’s very happy to compare self to others and if I just had one drink people wouldn’t moan at me but being told I can’t drink isn’t fair

This will probably sound very confused, because even years later I find it hard to process, but I kept telling my kids my DH loved them too, even though it was clear his brain was addled by drink and he couldn't think of anything else but his need for alcohol. Like yours, mine was in complete denial and he behaved appallingly, verbally and physically. But the man he was before addiction adored his children, and so I didn't ever feel I was lying to them. I don't believe he drank out of love for himself or for alcohol. I think he hated himself and the way he was behaving. His addiction destroyed him and he lost everything, including his life. At the end, I felt pity and relief it was over for him and us. Anger and resentment too, that he wasn't strong enough to fight hs addiction, and had left me to bring up our kids alone, but mainly sadness for all of us.

I am very sad how things have turned out

I Live’s dh. Choose to have a baby with him. Was so happy when he popped the question

we used to good fun loving time
timehop brings up happy pics from 12/10/8 years ago

just so sad he has let his self decline so badly

since we split he looks about 20yrs older

Yes, it's devastating to see the physical and mental damage. The thing is though @Penguinsandspaniels you can't do anything to change things for him. You can only keep doing what you can to protect yourself and your kids from the fallout.

I know.
Taken me a long time to reliese this and that he won’t change. He lies all the time

Hello
I’m going for a bit of a brain dump here. This morning I had a real flash back to how awful things had been, and how badly I dealt with it all. I was looking at my fireplace, and suddenly recalled Christmas 2 years ago, when he had wanted to ‘deck’ the mantle with holly. We went out and gathered the holly and I had bought a lovely bunch of Christmas flowers. He was heading into a major drinking phase (in retrospect the one that lasted 2 months and was the end for our relationship) and was getting more and more angry about my wanting my parents to come for Christmas (despite us having agreed it as a plan a few weeks earlier). It all culminated in a godawful row when he swept all the decorations and flowers off the mantle breaking several precious (to me) glass decorations. I did not take it well and screamed and shouted, and I recall picking up a handful of the flowers and throwing them over him in our bed – where he had gone to drink/sulk.
On one hand I feel so relieved that I don’t have to live that life any more, and it seems impossible now that I put up with it, but equally I am ashamed of my responses to him, I got so angry, and I reacted to his anger in a way that in hindsight seems deranged and so unlike me. I’ve not really explored those feelings, to be honest I have supressed them, can anyone else here relate? I have it on my list for my next therapy session.

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 I hope you have a beautiful mantle this year.
Honestly. Please forgive yourself.
I’m glad you showed him how awful his behaviour was. It feels like we are always supposed to just suck it up and be the better person. And all that does is feed their narrative that they can’t help it and they are the victim. Alcohol didn’t break your ornaments. He did and he did it because you weren’t even allowed to invite your parents for Christmas. He wanted to spoil things and he did. I know he died and it’s hard not to wish pud done anything that might have changed that, but really. If a 2 year old engaged in wanton destruction, people would get cross and impose consequences. This was a grown man and you did the same. ❤️❤️❤️

I cannot imagine anyone is able to deal with this 'well' when it's like being dragged into hell against ones will. For at least four years I felt I was living in a nightmare and I remember feeling a weird sense of unreality during the arguments and fights. My DH was sometimes physically violent and it was terrifying but the night I threw a bottle of whisky at him terrified me more. I'd completely lost control and felt I was starting to lose my mind. Looking back, I just wonder how I got through it all.

@Zebracat @CharlotteByrde Thank you both for your words.
I don’t know how I functioned really with the whole uncertainty of it all. He could go from loving to awful in a moment and I was left trying to work out what on earth had changed or I had ‘done wrong’. Detaching’with love’ just caused more anger….ignoring him sometimes worked but often just seemed to make it escalate, or I would get the silent treatment. Nothing was normal or adult.

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 I think you reacted as any normal person would, under such pressure and provocation. How horrible of him to do that. It might be you're thinking about it a lot because it's actually kind of symbolic, right? Something good and meaningful you made together, then he ruined it and you were deeply upset. Rightfully upset, actually – because it stood for something.

Since my mother died, I have noticed a lot of suppressed feelings and memories coming up. It's been hard at times. I've had a few periods of a lot of crying. I definitely feel a little raw, fragile and exposed at the moment. Don't know if you can relate? It's affecting my confidence in life a little, for example I feel really crap at my job right now. But I know that grief moves and reshapes itself and I think I just have to let this stage happen.

Having a really hard time at the moment. I don’t want to say much as it’s too outing, but I am feeling so sad and lonely.

I wouldn’t wish having an alcoholic mother on my worst enemy.

For all those questioning their behaviour: remember you are only human. You don't have to be saintly and perfect just because you have an addict in your life. Losing your shit is normal in that situation, and be honest: have we not all tolerated stuff that someone not in our situation couldn't begin to imagine happening at all?