Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

That is so typical, and what I found so hard, at 9 am they would be on their way to jump off a cliff, at 1pm all that would be in the past and they were completely cured and getting married.

Yep.
here it is - any email received after 10pm = about to jump off a cliff
noon - 6pm: best support meeting ever, I’m working (liar), barely drinking (liar)

If anything like my dh - they sent texts when drunk and all is woe is me And I’m a selfish cunt etc

then falls asleep or passes out and when wakes semi sober and forgets what said

i keep all all texts - amazes me that he never thinks of reading what he sent when pissed

@Penguinsandspaniels
Oh mine most definitely reads what he’s said. He’s pretended to be other people reporting himself dead on numerous occasions.
One example from a few months back, his other DD got a message from his WhatsApp number, at 1.30am in the morning, from someone claiming to be his boss (he didn’t have a job) saying he had passed away and left some money for her. She then received a bank transfer from his account, £274.
Next morning he asked her for the money back as it was every penny he had, and said he had been hacked.
He seems to get ‘hacked’ pretty regularly. And all these so-called hackers say the same thing.. that he’s dead.

Oh God @MamaBear81. He sounds delightful. Not !!
And just gets hacked and sends money to only his dd. Yeah right 🙄

I keep dipping in and out of this thread - which is not unlike unreliable alcoholic behaviour, when you think about it - but I am thinking of you all and so thankful for everyone’s kindness and candour.

@Mymaloy I missed your post from a couple of weeks back about your mum. I know absolutely what you mean about how confusing it is when she has good days when she’s absolutely her usual self and you wonder if you’ve imagined it all. Hugs to you. Is it some comfort (?) that your DF is aware as well.

My mum is pissed and incoherent again, after two weeks looking bright and seeming sober.

I don’t know why, but every time this happens I am just so totally surprised - it’s like I’m discovering it all for the first time again. I’ve only known this was going on for less than a year I suppose.

But it’s like every time she sobers up a part of me goes into denial with her, as I just do not have mental room for this to be happening on my fucking doorstep with nothing I can do.

They torture you with hope. It's maybe the worst of all the things they do. Even if they find sobriety it takes so long to rebuild the faith. My Dsis and her partner have managed it, but he's 15 years sober and the first 5 were hard.

@MamaBear81 I felt the same with my dad. And it was a huge relief when he died. Life changing. You’re not a monster. I miss my dad terribly but only the good bits. It’s been long enough now that my brain has filed all the madness away so I generally only remember the good things. Life is better without all the stress, none of which you caused. There’s no point pretending otherwise.

@Penguinsandspaniels fortunately we’re not at a safeguarding stage atm. DH is never visibly drunk, never has been. Not that that’s a good sign for his liver, but the children would never notice anything to tell the teachers. He can be nasty to me but he’s well aware that if it happened in front of the children that would be the end. He walks the children to school and walks to work, so no drink driving. It would be easier in some ways if it was more spectacularly alcoholic, he’d be gone by now.

And fortunately both children are thriving, school say they are both confident, happy and excelling academically, so I take some comfort that me tying myself in knots to shield them and be two parents is actually working, although I can’t do it indefinitely.

And I am so grateful for this thread.

That must be hard as seems it’s only you who sees him drunk and abusive - where least dh family and my friends etc know he is an alcoholic - tho i his it for many years just how bad it was

do the school know ? You can speak to them in confidence

can I ask why you stay if things are that bad ? Thi why do we all stay ? Why did I for so long ?

@Penguinsandspaniels I’m not staying, but when you have children it takes more effort to extricate yourself. I’m planning my exit, but at the moment it needs some more preparation.

I get that. Def harder to walk away with kids

Everything in your own time. It takes as long as it takes.

Well there’s your answer.

in any case if he had been yellow and pissing blood he needed a doctor & not you.

@Cometothelightside I agree with other posters that it would be worthwhile letting the school know. Just in case he is ever visibly drunk or abusive at the school gate or if one of the kids sees or hears something which worries them and discloses to a teacher. Even if you think his drinking is invisible to others, that can change at any moment. I found it a comfort knowing that the pastoral care teacher was watching out for mine.

Yes definitely. My children’s school
know everything, and have been great.

I had a letter Fri from school offering dd a place at their young carers club. They meet once term - the kids of parents with issues

dd isn’t a carer as such - but on has to deal with dh issues /drunkness as and when

they said it was support for any child who may need it and they include children of parents who have alcohol or drugs issues

has anyone else dc had this offered to them

My DC were offered this once we opened up and they had started counselling. The main benefit was time away from home with young people who were in the same boat. Once their dad moved out, they contacted the service and said they no longer had caring responsibilities. It really helped them bceause it made them feel that 1) they weren't the only ones, and 2) it really wasn't anything they had done that made their dad drink.

@Penguinsandspaniels that’s great, not specifically that but my children’s school offered this programme which they have participated in. Very grateful for it.

www.seasonsforgrowth.org.uk

I wasn’t sure whether to accept as she doesn’t care for him

but guess the school know the extent of his drinking so if they think she could benifit from it then great

God, I'm glad to hear children get support these days.

No one recognised or reached out to me when I was a kid and I admit I'm a little bitter about it. It's not like no one knew, because there were overdoses and rehab stints going on. It definitely had a lasting effect on me – I find it very hard now to confide in people about anything or ask for help. I have plenty of aunts, I had grandparents but it was just... silence.

I wonder sometimes if I'm unreasonable here. Everyone has their own lives, their own problems to deal with. I couldn't expect anyone to become a surrogate mum to me. But just having it acknowledged, feeling less isolated, feeling less confused, would have helped.

My parents also withdrew from wider family life. I was never reminded when anyone's birthday was. Never told 'call your granny for her birthday'. I grew up thinking things like that weren't important and it makes me cringe now. We missed family weddings, events.

I can see how the non-alcoholic parent wants to keep it quiet, hold everything together, appear strong etc. But no, you have got to get over that and do your best to ensure your kids remain connected to the wider family.

Sorry you didn’t have support @amlie8. Was it your mum or both parents.

@amlie8 thanks for sharing your story and so sorry that happened to you. I really appreciate you saying what you did, because it is a strong reminder to me to keep on with supporting my children openly and deliberately and with real intention, and not brushing things under the carpet - because the consequences could be lifelong. Thank you.