Support thread for those trying to lead an alcohol free life - Autumn 25

[Lavrander]

Hello and welcome!

This thread is for anyone who is genuinely trying to live an alcohol-free life. It was first set up by @drybird and has grown into a safe, supportive space to share thoughts, ask advice, swap experiences, or simply check in as we give up and keep off the booze.

There’s no judgment here – just kindness and encouragement. Whether you post every day, once in a while, or just read along quietly, you’re part of the group. Many of us have found this thread invaluable, whether brand new to abstaining or years into AF life.

Wherever you are on the journey, someone here will have been there too. Don’t be shy about posting – we love celebrating successes of all shapes and sizes, and we’ll support you through the tougher times as well.

The only thing we ask is that your aim is complete abstinence. If your goal is moderation, there’s an a long-running thread for that in this board that will be a better fit for you. That doesn't mean that slips don't happen, and we'll support you in picking yourself back up and carrying on, cheering you on as you do.

Living alcohol-free isn’t always easy in today’s world, but it is absolutely worth it. And you don’t have to do it alone – we’re here to help each other realise just how good AF life can be.

@malazzie I had - in my solicitor’s words -
one of the most acrimonious divorces you can possibly get. If your ex wasn't nice to you think I'm guessing he's not doing a nice divorce either. It's such a horrendous experience that can drag on for far too long, it was really traumatic. I'm sorry you're going through it.

If it helps, I am so happy now. At last I have a place that is my own, I can't get jumped on for every little thing I dare to do (that I'm entitled to do!), I can parent DC without worrying I’ll get criticised for that too, or worse that they will suffer, we at last have the sanctuary I always longed for. I hadn't fully realised how awful it was until he was gone. I don't know if you are fighting it all out in court too but whether you are or whether you aren't, there is so much loss and uncertainty. When the dust is settled, the pain will too, and then you will feel the peace of freedom.

Someone earlier spoke of numbing - it can be so tempting to turn to unhealthy self-soothing - like numbing with alcohol - when you're going through a hard time. You're doing amazingly well to have clocked up the amount of time you have. When you've woken up the next day after not drinking, have you been so glad you held strong the day before? Whatever it is you’ve chosen to do to tackle drinking is clearly effective as you've managed to do it repeatedly for 18 days!

I'm so glad you've got your doggy friend. They stick close to us through life difficulties, like divorce. Don't be surprised when you feel overwhelmed and exhausted as though you've been in a fight, because you are in a fight! But nothing in life stays the same forever, even wars come to an end eventually. You'll be alright again, more than alright again. Like the Phoenix rising from the ashes! 🐦‍🔥

@malazzie Yes - it definitely does get better! 18 days is brilliant - well done. It's a very stressful time for you so the fact that you've managed that is amazing. Going for a walk is a perfect solution. I was so angry with my husband when he moved his new woman into our house only weeks after I left him. (I was still paying all the mortgage!) I didn't know what to do with the anger and I walked for miles to burn off the rage. Getting out of the house, exercise, fresh air and nature all help and keep you away from the wine bottle. Changing your routine and finding new hobbies helps. I started doing a lot more cooking and jigsaws. I listened to more music and joined an art class. I used the TryDry app and watching the days mount up was great motivation. I found some AF drinks I really liked - Martini Vibrante and tonic, with ice and a slice of frozen orange is my favourite. I read some quit lit and watched some podcasts. I also watched 'Rain in my Heart' on BBC iPlayer - it's sad and gruelling and definitely gives you something to think about. Reading and posting on here was perhaps the biggest help to me. Knowing others were struggling and succeeding made me more determined and, if I ever feel like slipping (Day 140 for me today -or 20 weeks! But I do still get the odd wish for a drink) I remind myself that I'd have to own up on here. I know people wouldn't be judgemental but I don't want to let them down! I hope you start to feel more benefits soon. And know that your body is already recovering and thanking you.

@WendyWagon I love your little list - 'lampshades, bay trees, baskets'. I think it's very poetic. It's nice to have an excuse for shopping and a clear out.

Morning all.
You’ve had some great replies @malazzie .

I think it’s helpful to build up a “toolkit” of things that work for you (and maybe write your list). Then when cravings strike you can have a range of responses- one poster a couple of years ago used to swear by angry weeding!

One response I used to use (and I’m not sure how healthy it is, but it worked for me) was that I told myself that if I drank, the situation that was driving me to drink had “won”, and I wasn’t going to let that happen. Choosing not to drink was an act of rebellion against the crap that life was throwing at me. Like I say, I’m undecided as to whether that is a healthy thing to think, but if it appeals, add it to your toolkit.

I am having a really hard time at the moment but at nearly 3.5 years sober I have managed to resist drinking to escape. Things that are helping me are: the honesty that if I drink, I would not be doing it for fun, or because I like the taste - I would be drinking because I need to escape from life. That honesty takes a while to land (This Naked Mind / the Alcohol Experiment by Annie Grace are both very good at reframing the “why”). I also have enough space between me and my drinking to tell the voice “no, I just don’t do that any more”. I also realised last night that there actually wasn’t enough wine in the world to really escape- I would always want more. So I just mustn’t start - that was actually a fairly scary thought.

And if everything else fails - ice cream.

@Onewildandpreciouslife 3.5 years is amazing! I can barely imagine it. When I gave up smoking (best thing I ever did!) I used to tell myself that if I lived to 80, I'd take it up again. I know I won't, but the idea that I could somehow made me feel better. I still have the idea that a drink some time in the future could be a possibility. But that thought - that there is just not enough wine in the world to be 'enough' - is what keeps me sober. Having a glass of wine wouldn't satisfy a craving - it would just make that craving stronger and the resolve weaker.

Hi, can I join please? I am on day 214. Have always been a binge drinker but over the last few years the binges got more and more...bingey...to the point where I was often blacking out more than once a week - even sharing some wine with DH could lead to me staying up drinking til 2am with no memory of going to bed. I decided to take a break in February, more for weight loss than anything, but it gave me the head space I needed to come to terms with how dangerous and unhealthy my drinking was. Somewhere along the way I realised moderation wasn't possible for me and abstinence is the only way and I am now SO much happier than I ever thought I could be. Who knew sober life could be so awesome 😀

Hello @HorrorFan81 ! Sounds like this is just the place for you. Abstaining seems easier to me than struggling to moderate. When I was drinking, it was a daily battle, telling myself I'd just have one or tomorrow I'd go without etc. Well done for Day 214! I'll never catch you up but I'll carry on chasing you. (Sorry - didn't mean that in a creepy way!)

Yep am with you, i found attempting to moderate exhausting and I often failed anyway so abstaining is the best choice for me

And I didnt take it creepily 😀 Glad we are both on this journey, every day is a victory 🥳

I love this group of women - you are so strong and interesting!

I think some of us may be a bit all-or-nothing, which is why moderation is quite tough. So, true to type, we are doing sobriety with great style 😍

I definitely recognise the thing where people hint we're spoiling their fun by not drinking. Little comments, eyes raised to heaven, a sort of 'trust Taylorean to be awkward' vibe - even though I was in great chatty form and not being precious about it. They don't want to think about their own habits.

I’m ~75 days in and the bad dreams are finally gone in the past few nights.

@malazzie I found the first 2-3 weeks the most difficult. I don’t even think about it nowadays. I’ve listened to lots of podcasts and I even listened to the whole of the AA book (quite dated and grating, or maybe just the chirpy American accent it was read in). Now I’m pivoting to other types of podcasts. Not because I think that’s it, I’m over it, but trying to find something else of interest that could absorb me. ATM I’m listening to history podcasts.

Welcome @HorrorFan81 and a good number of days there. BTW seeing your username, do you like The Horrors? Check them out, great music.

I’m so grateful to find this group I’m back in a cycle of drinking every offer day.

I have 2 teenagers and am in court next week divorce settlement it’s really making me crack.

4th time in court and I really feel lost, anyway I’d love to find sobriety day 1 x

@Sammyb50 that sounds very stressful. Before I gave up I was cutting down by offering lifts to my teenagers to their sports, parties etc. I was always on standby as I would obviously never D&D. I don’t know if this would help a bit.

Hi there, I’ve spent this morning reading this and I’m hoping joining will be helpful to me. I’m on day 6 (it would be day 8 but on day 2 I’d run out of milk and put the last of the baileys in my coffee)

I’ve been drinking since I was 14, worked in industries where it was really encouraged but it’s been creeping up how much I’ve been drinking to where I was drinking at least a bottle of wine a day. I’d wake up every morning thinking I’m letting my family down, I’d often start drinking after 9 once they were all in bed.
Before the Summer I did an online appointment request felt super brave and wrote down to my doctor that my drinking was too much. He text back a lovely response and said I had to self refer to the local drugs and alcohol service, it’s taken me up until 2 weeks ago to finally do that. I’ve just checked it was actually January. I now am waiting until next week for a 45 minute telephone appointment, I was wondering about being prescribed Naltrxone.

Thank you that’s a good idea thank you. They don’t tend to go out that much yet but that’s something that will come next year I hope.
Thank you x

That’s great news about your appointment. I think they can prescribe Naltrexone in some areas free but mainly it’s through a private practice I checked a few places it’s around £1300 for a appointment with a doctor and then the pills for 3-6 months quite a lot x

I hope you are in an area that could help you x

There really should be better help for people wanting to give up drinking. There are many more facilities for smoking cessation, and drinking must be at least as harmful when you take into account family members who are also impacted by drinkers' behaviour.

A lot of people won't have access to £1300 and more for drugs.

Even public service-type ads on TV might help, if they talk people through things like tapering off, vitamin supplements what to expect in the early days and so on. For a lot of people, particularly women, harmful drinking happens in private. Yes, partners and children suffer too, but women are less likely than men to get into fights and disturb the peace. We drink at home, and feel ashamed rather than boastful about it, which makes it even harder for us to seek help, yet there is a stigma attached to alcoholism in women.

I'm sure the NHS would benefit from schemes to help people (of both sexes) to give up the booze. It takes courage to contact a doctor, and if the result is that you have to pluck up courage again to speak to someone else, a lot won't be able to find it. Ideally, help should be immediate and anonymous, as speaking to a GP in a small town or village is even harder than talking to one in a city who doesn't know you or your family, and getting an appointment in 3 months time isn't helpful when you are revved up to do it now. Drop-in centres or online appointments with the option to keep cameras off might help, and they should be free.

I agree @ShyMaryEllen also nearly 6 years into waiting for an NHS ADHD assessment, I think I’ve always drank to quieten my very very busy mind, plus the stress of always feeling less than, and disorganised and just too much as a person. So many hoops to jump through there as well and I’ve just gone to pot during peri menopause.

Sadly the week after I bumped up the courage to contain the drinking service I’ve started getting chest pain and shortness of breath, my blood pressure really high so although I’ve not drank all week it’s mainly because I’m scared that I’ve left it too late to change and I’ve already done irreparable damage to myself. I’m not sure if the dr has contacted the dots but I think I should probably ask for liver function tests etc. I’m just sharing in case it helps anyone else, if you’re on here or lurking we all know that it’s not good for our health, let’s all take steps to not drink.
Id made so many silly rules for myself like I can’t eat Steak without red wine etc, I don’t have a problem because I’m not day drinking etc but I’m currently really worried that I’m going to leave my children without a mother (am totally catastrophising here but it’s where my thoughts are going)

@FiloPasty FWIW I was diagnosed with cirrhosis eight years ago, and I'm still here, feeling better than ever. It is debatable whether the diagnosis was right (I've had a fibroscan which suggests a high level of fibrosis, not cirrhosis), but either way I have significantly damaged my liver. Even if you have done the same, all is not lost if you stop drinking now. If you were at the terminal stage you would know about it, believe me. Yes, you might have caused some damage, but the liver will regenerate unless it is too far gone, and even if it won't (as mine won't) you can stop it from getting worse by cutting out alcohol.

If you stop now, the chances are very high that your children will have you for a long time to come 😀. The trick now is to make sure that they have a mum who is sober and there for them. You are in a great position to do that.

Thank you that means a lot x

What a lovely, welcoming thread.
I'm in - not had a drink since 30th December, so 263 days I think.
It's taken many false starts along the way to get here I have to say, but here I am - this year has been terrific AF - a clear head and I really do see people from a different view point now and, more importantly, my life - where it is now, how I got here and why and I'm working on steps to change that.

I agree wholeheartedly @ShyMaryEllen I did try a few times to bring the subject up with my GP. I said I knew I drank too much but he just sort of shrugged it off as if it didn't matter too much. Admittedly, I didn't say how much I was drinking, but I think it's common not to be very honest about it. I've had to find my own methods and support network but not everybody can do that.

Hi me again 🤣 I’m day 18 and skin is sooooo bad! Loads of spots!! Is this normal? And really moody and tired xx

It will be the toxins leaving your body. Try to rejoice in it 😂

Honestly, it will pass, and your eyes will be whiter, your hair shinier and you will look so much better. Some lucky blighters even lose weight!

@malazzie the eye-bags I've had my whole adult life went very quickly!

The mood and fatigue might be hormonal? I always forget that they can be cyclical, and blame myself/the world until it passes and I realise 😂

Greetings fellow shipmates, I'm just checking in. It's lovely to see the thread so busy. Welcome to the newest newcomers!

The new bright MN colours are making me blink a lot, ha.

@WendyWagon I love your mention of looking in the mirror and thinking you looked great. I'm sure you did look fab!

Once at an AA meeting someone said that because of sobriety, she can look in the mirror and feel happy with the person she sees there. That stuck in my head. Of course she was referring more to the mental than to the physical I think, but it's true that not drinking can improve both our mental self-image AND our physical appearance (eg facial redness and puffiness, etc).

I've never been one to wear much makeup (apart from a bit of cover-up on blemishes and some lipstick), but I've wondered about trying out eyeliner at my advanced age. I'm too shy to go to a makeup counter so I might try to find some tutorials on youtube, because honestly every time I've tried to put it on before, it's looked ridiculous. Any suggestions Wendy for a good eyeliner that doesn't smudge too easily? I believe beauty is your domain! (Sorry this paragraph is a bit off the thread topic!)

Hand hold to everyone struggling; it really does get easier over time. (So take my advice and avoid my example: don't keep doing week 1 over and over again!)

Today involved a routine mammogram and a lot of work email. After dinner I have an online meeting with the organisation I volunteer for (this is the volunteering I'm trying to extricate myself from, but it's easier said than done).

No housework accomplished whatsoever. Never mind. I'm feeling physically and mentally well today. Thanks to not drinking I'll have some 'awake' time left after the meeting, so I'm looking forward to novel-reading in bed.

Bonsoir everyone and do nice things for yourself!