AIBU to expect some praise from DH?

[WalkOnTheLeft]

This might turn out to be long-winded but I’m trying to avoid drip-feeding.

DH has an issue with my alcohol intake. I have a difficult relationship with alcohol and it upsets DH. I know I need to make a change and I’ve previously done dry Jan etc, but as soon as it’s finished I go right back to square one. Anyway, it’s become a bit of a ‘thing’ between us and I think it could damage our relationship (which is already struggling).

Before Christmas, I agreed with DH that I would do 100 days without alcohol and see if that helped to change my attitude towards drinking. Today is Day 11. Of course it’s been Christmas, we’ve had family birthdays, meals out, and get togethers where there has been lots of alcohol around, and now it’s NYE.

AIBU to feel deflated that DH hasn’t acknowledged my efforts (and success) to abstain? It’s not been easy for me. I asked him on one evening if he was proud of me and he kind of said “well yeah” in a tone as if I was asking for praise for brushing my teeth or similar, iykwim. Very dismissive. I told him that it would be helpful to have some encouragement and positive reinforcement, but none has been offered since.

Just feel a bit glum.

Thank you everyone for the kind words and support. I’ve just started reading This Naked Mind, it’s interesting and very thought provoking. I will check out the other recommendations too.

@mbosnz thank you

the benefits of a quiet, 'well done, I could see this was a challenge tonight, and you didn't buckle', knows no bounds.

This is all I want from DH, I just feel like he doesn’t care although I think @HowardTJMoon and @MILLYmo0se have probably got a much better understanding of my DH’s POV than I do, thank you.

I will continue to take it one step at a time. Could anyone recommend any online forums for support? I don’t really want to go to a face to face or teams meeting.

Your drinking sounds just like mine was, although I'd stopped the destructive behaviour just due to lifestyle changes. I was a half a bottle a night drinker by the time I quit, but it all adds up. I started with a 30 day reset then extended it to 60 days, then 100, then 6 months, and now I'm 200 and something days dry (stopped counting unless the try dry app chirps at me of an evening). I've had no real acknowledgement from my DH either, although he wasn't bothered by my drinking anyway.
I don't really think about drinking anymore. I vaguely considered having a glass of prosecco at Christmas and then at New Year, but sniffed the bottle and got grossed out by the smell so didn't bother 🤣 I thought stopping drinking would be awful and that life would never be the same without booze, but actually it's better. I've achieved far more in the last sixth months than in the previous six years, I take more risks (in a good way), and I'm far less anxious/depressed. And socialising is exactly the same, I can just remember everything the next day and laugh at the pissed people.
Things that worked for me were specialist therapy for accountability and getting to the root causes (still going with that), Quit Like a Woman by Holly Whittaker, self care, exercise, alcohol free beer (not for everyone but worked for me in the early days) and affirmations. Also pure stubbornness, I don't want to wreck my tally on the app!
And it's a great feeling when you get asked how much you drink and you can honestly say nothing. Too many years of minimising my alcohol consumption to the GP...
You can do this, but do it for you, it doesn't matter what DH thinks or says as the most important things are your health, your family and your future.

I honestly don’t believe that I drink “too much” on a daily/weekly basis… usually. It’s just I can’t cope with any kind of emotion without it. Funnily enough, I’ve just had a letter through about a “managing emotions” course my mental health team have recommended to me. Maybe that will help.

This is EXACTLY how I felt - until things got too far out of hand and I went to an AA meeting.

They showed me a different way to live life so that I could do it without alcohol.

I'm 11 years sober today having been in your exact position. But you have to admit it's an issue before you can do anything permanent about it.

Do you want to stop?

Please don't underestimate how hard it is to be in a relationship with a problem drinker. He's on edge every time he hears you open a bottle. He's probably protecting himself by not allowing himself to be too excited about you being on the wagon.

Your recovery isn't on him, so please don't throw his "lack of support" back in his face if you struggle.

There is a quote from Laura McKowen which goes something like:” The question is not “are things bad enough they have to change”; the question is “are things good enough to stay the same?”. And underneath it all, the question is- are you free?””

Only you can answer that for yourself.

Check out Kate B’s https://thesoberschool.com.

Her ten week course isn’t cheap but you’re probably spending at least £30 per week on booze anyway.

Good luck.

The fact that you can't consider a life without alcohol says it all OP, and if you were honest with yourself you do know that. It's not ok to rely on drinking, to put yourself in dangerous situations, to cause your DH stress and upset and to continually ingest a toxin that will highly likely cause you long term damage. I couldn't live with my partner doing that, absolutely no way.

This is very thought provoking, thank you.

i appreciate everyone’s help