Bottle a night, sick and tired of being sick and tired

[inaterribleplace]

Friday was a bad night. I had a bottle and a half and said some awful things to my very lovely DP. Not his fault, lots of big emotions in my part.
On a typical night I have a bottle of wine, which has 'helped' me through a particularly crappy period of my life. I realise it doesn't help at all, but it's at least helped me turn off my brain where I might not other wise drift off to sleep.
I've put on weight. I'm so anxious. My skin looks terrible. I promised DP that I would make some changes. He says it's not his place to 'ask' me to stop drinking and he'll support me whatever I decide to do. He thinks I should moderate, he can't seem to understand that moderation is not something I'm able to achieve, it's all or nothing.
Yesterday was day one. We went out for a nice lunch, where I would normally have a lovely glass of wine. It was a beautiful sunny day and the fact that I 'couldn't' have a glass of wine gave me the rage. DP said if you want one have one, but I'm just so mad at myself, at feeling so deprived. I recovered until last night when the craving returned and I was full of rage again. Pissed off, feeling like I'm missing out and that I'll never feel properly relaxed ever again.
Arrrghh. I know I sound like a small child. I just don't know if I can deal with all the emotions in a normal way without having the alcohol to just blur it all just a little.

My advice is to not try and give up lots of things at once. If some non-alcoholic treats will make it easier, now's the time.

I'm munching on a leftover Easter egg to keep my sugar going!

It does get easier and easier. Hang in there. Stopping altogether is honestly so much easier than trying to moderate but it does take a few weeks so get over the worst.

You can do this!

@inaterribleplace well done on getting to day 4, now day 5!
I'm currently on day 3. I have to admit I'm enjoying waking up on a morning without feeling sluggish and anxious.
Im not missing it too much at the moment but i know its early days

I was a bottle of night woman, I think I had an unfair advantage because of neurodivergence I just stopped, same with smoking. Once I decided I didn’t want to do it, I just no longer did it.
The difference is enormous and you kid yourself that it doesn’t have any effect on your life. Realised I am actually a morning person!

I was also on the other side of the coin and watched a parent die slowly and horribly from alcohol related diseases. No judgement but if you have the power to avoid that now for your families sake then it should be a no brainer.

My tip is to calculate how much money you are saving by not buying wine, and think of a treat purchase to buy when you reach a certain amount. That got me through Dry January.

Alcohol dampens your emotions alright but all emotions & feelings. The good ones too. Do that you eventually just feel blah, all the time.

Can you commit to no alcohol for say 40 days? See how you feel. Write it down?

if you’re at day 4 you’re through the worst. You can do it,

congrats on your day 3! I must say I'm very envious that you're not waking up sluggish and anxious already, I haven't noticed any difference yet...if anything I'm feeling a bit worse, but I'm confident it will pass soon. It's all I can do to drag myself upstairs of an evening I'm so tired...that would never have happened before I'd always be up for another glass then another glass etc.
You're so right @VaddaABeetch it definitely does dampen alllll the emotions. I've laughed with my DP so much this last four days, I feel more present and attentive which is brilliant. I'm tentatively setting my sights on 100 days and then see how I feel, although a trip to Paris in June is a bit of a fly in the ointment, I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I went through a similar thing after my Mum died, wasted a few years drinking a bottle or more of wine a night. Felt awful, ashamed, couldn't see my way out. I'm in awe of people who stop using will power, for me (and I am still on this journey) it was understanding that my subconscious mind honestly believed that alcohol was helping me, and that I had to unlearn that. Annie Grace, who a poster referred to above, was the start of that learning for me. My favourite quote of hers is "I have never woken up in the morning and wished I'd had a drink the night before". I love waking up now and thanking myself for not drinking. It is a joy. Good luck OP. Life is so much less scary without alcohol in it.

Have you read This Naked Mind? It really does help to take you from the mindset of feeling like you're missing out to feeling totally free.

You'll get there though. It gets worse and then all of a sudden the cloud lifts and it gets so much better.

Well done for starting and good luck.

Hi All. Just thought I'd check back in here, today is 21 days alcohol free.
I can't pretend it's been easy, but I'm still taking it one day at a time and I can honestly say I'm starting to feel better. Not 'bam! I feel incredible' but it's little things that are increasingly adding up to an overall feeling of wellness. My sleep is better. I have energy for so many other things that I didn't before, including quality time with my youngest DS (which in itself is priceless), I'm starting to care about my appearance again, I definitely look less bloated. Disappointingly I haven't lost two stones in weight, but I'm hopeful that will come in time with better eating habits!
A trip to Paris is looming. There are thoughts in my head about having 'one drink with dinner whilst there'. I don't know. It's a narrative in my head that I can't seem to shift. At them moment I'm trying to just keep putting the work in and make little changes. Thank you again for all your support, it really has helped incredibly.

Well done @inaterribleplace , so pleased for you!

OMG, @inaterribleplace - I was just thinking of you this morning.

When people stop posting in the early days, my default thought is they've drank and not wanted to post - I'm so delighted to read your update.

Bloody well done. What an achieved. Those 'small' joys you're experiencing are not small at all - they're incredible. Bubbles of joy and emotion coming through the wine blockades.

I bet your daughter is enjoying her time with you, too.

My advice is don't worry about Paris just yet. I'm only a week ahead of you - 28 days today - and originally, I was worried about a client event coming up where I felt that I'd have to drink, for protocol and expectation.

Now I'm 28 days in, I'm enjoying myself much more, I do NOT want to go back to Day 1 if I can help it, and I really don't want to drink, so I won't.

Take it one day at a time, and when Paris comes around, you may find you're mindset means you have started to find pleasure outside of the alcohol circle.

So great to hear from you :-)

Hi @inaterribleplace I stopped drinking on April 1st using the Alcohol experiment - the app is excellent. I need structure and support to do it, I've been drinking for so long it's as much a habit as brushing my teeth. I had a week off when I went on holiday and paid attention to my drinking and how I felt. Basically my anxiety ramped up and mornings became hard work again. So I stopped and I'm 47 out of 54 days (roughly) sober.
So I'd recommend the alcohol experiment basically.
Good luck with it, it's hard

Thank you so much for your lovely post and your advice about Paris. And well done to you too on your now 29 days, we are doing so well!

We ARE doing so well, @inaterribleplace - we are bad-ass non-drinkers!!!!!

@inaterribleplace massive well done! I found your thread after having another night where I didn’t know when to stop and feeling the need to go alcohol free (again) and just wanted to say Paris might not even be an issue last time I gave up (managed 200 odd days) I had the same feelings about a theatre visit that I would have to have a glass of bubbles….. I obsessed over it and on the day I just wasn’t that fussed and happily skipped it!!

Oh really hope you're right @JollyHostess101 ! Thank you for the words of encouragement. 200 days is a big achievement, I'm hoping I'll get there too :)