I'm so frightened. Please help advise me.

[Canwedoit4]

I think I'm an alcoholic. I don't think other people recognise this. Woke up today, called in sick to work and have spent the day crying so ashamed of myself.
Last night was a typical night, drank too much and became argumentative and rude. I hate myself when I'm drunk I'm not a nice person, I can't control my emotions. It is so embarrassing and I can feel my friends inviting me round less and less because inevitably I always ruin the mood.
I do not want anybody to know in real life, I want to do this myself but I am so scared. I can't go to AA, my BIL goes to our local ones and i don't want this to be common knowledge, nor do I think listening to him it's what will work for me, and lastly my anxiety would not let up enough to even go to a public meeting.
I want to go to my GP and get some tablets or something? Is this a thing? Will they report me to social services? The DVLA? I want help but even accessing that feels too scary.
I don't want to be here, I don't want to be me anymore.

OP, you have not suddenly learnt how to moderate in one week.

Read this again

Last night was a typical night, drank too much and became argumentative and rude. I hate myself when I'm drunk

The narrative that it needs to be life ruiningly bad before we make changes needs to get in the bin. Do not wait til you've lost your job and your relationships. That's like not calling the fire brigade because only your kitchen is on fire

@HangingOver thankyou. I sometimes feel I can regain control but your right. I posted originally because I know I have lost control, my brain just sometimes likes to think noo you can still manage this. I can't.

Its a narrative so many people fall into. You do sobriety stints and convince yourself youre ok. 1 day/ week/ month or even year so you go back and start drinking again promising yourself this time will be different, this time you'll moderate, this time you won't break your own rules. But you will, you'll slip back, you can't control it. I've done it.

It's a well trodden path. I don't think people who have a totally healthy relationship with alcohol make posts like your post.

That said it has to come from you, if you're not ready to go cold turkey, you don't have to. Youve made a great first step so keep dipping your toes in. Get a free trial of audible and download the unexpected joy of being sober.

So many mornings I woke up regretting drinking. I do miss the romantic notion of a cool glass of white on a summers evening but that was never real. I have never, ever, ever regretted waking up after not drinking. Life is better.

I "actively moderate" my drinking. I suppose I am a potentially problematic drinker but I have a plan that works for me.

I never drink the day before work. I make a pot of herbal tea which I find the routine, the pouring and refilling, meets a similar ritual craving.

I am allowed a drink on a Friday night, a Saturday night, or a rare special occasion (say, my birthday). I am allowed up to 4 drinks in total. That is 4 single spirit with large mixer, or 4 small glasses of wine. I almost never go over this total. Luckily my body objects on the rare occasions that I do, I get a pounding fast heart rate that wakes me up, so I don't feel tempted to cheat.

These rules have worked for me for the past 20 odd years. I don't know if they would work for you.

@BigBreaths makes a brilliant observation in "I have a plan that works for me."

This is so important. Yes external guidelines can be helpful, but it's what we think about them that matters.

The minute we like our reasons for why we drink everything changes.

OP could have wrote your post word for word

Today is the day I'm making all the changes I can

Sending you lots of good wishes

Antabuse has its own side effects. It should only be used as an absolute last resort, and while you are still trying to keep this a secret from everyone there's a much higher chance that you will continue to drink even with the Antabuse which will cause really serious life changing even worse than being an alcoholic illness. Your brain is making you drink. Treat your brain first.
Even posting here is a forward step. Well done and good luck for the next step.

@thisisasurvivor I really hope you manage to work a way to get the help that works best for you! I want to do as much as I can myself because I'm not keen on anybody knowing really. Going out for a walk with the dog after tea today and a bath and straight up to bed is a good distraction for me. Staying downstairs is much worse so Reading in bed as early as possible is going to be my plan this week!