So I'm hungover at work again

[Tempnamefornnow]

I posted in relationships and was directed here and I think this is the right place.

I have an alcohol problem. I've known for the last couple of years that it's been getting worse but I kept thinking I could control it and get back to where I was. Recently it's been bad. While I don't drink every day, I do drink 3/4 nights a week and often alone.

The reason I drink is because I'm lonely.

DS is 7 and is in bed sound asleep by 7.30 each night. DH has a medical issue which causes him a lot of pain and means he doesn't sleep well, so often he goes up to bed around 8.30pm. If he stays up with me, he's just zombied on his phone or snoozing. He does tend to go out once a week with his mates and I always feel a bit hurt that he can make the effort to see and spend time with them, but there isn't much or any effort to do the same with me.

His medical issue means we don't have sex (maybe once every few months), we often don't sleep together because his sleep issue means he often disturbs me so he choses to go into a different room, we can't do much at the weekends because of his pain and limited mobility and generally I just feel so stuck in a rut.

I do 90% of the housework, we both work full time, DS has several activities he does over the weekends which I take him too. None of this suffers because of my drinking which I think means I'm functioning.

But my relationship is down the toilet. Around once a week I drink far too much and DH and I have a blazing row. I know it's largely my fault for drinking but I just feel so unsupported, so alone and so lonely. But how can I be mad at DH when he isn't choosing to be the way he is? He's always had a short fuse but the pain he's in means he's always in a bad mood, DS is often in trouble for really basic kid things, I will piss DH off if I say something in the wrong tone, or whinge at him to help more.

I came clean to DH about my drink problem a few weeks ago and he said he would be there for me to help me, but he hasn't. Nothing has changed. This weekend was exactly the same as every other. I can't burden him with my problem and I'm supposed to be there for him at the moment with his condition. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I'm at work today with a stinking hangover because I had about 2.5 bottles of wine last night and another blazing row with DH which ended with me drinking more out of spite. I'm just so pathetic.

Oh Op: this thread just popped up and I read through and wanted to give you a big cheer - blimey you are one resilient, strong person to be coping with everything you are managing in the family; facing your issues head on and coming back from
slip ups and getting right back on it. I am in awe a bit (as someone who also has a not-great realist hip with alcohol: I’m on dry Jan but have had two ‘fall offs’)

there is a very active dry Jan thread on MN . I’m not active on it this year but in previous years I’ve found it really helpful for motivation, support and feeling ‘heard and understood/not judged: might be worth a look??

You do know addiction is a condition very difficult for some to overcome. It’s not simply a question of “choice” - it can be an illness, a condition, just like yours.

How selfish are you

Ouch.

And yet her husband is well enough to go out once a week with his friends, but not well enough to be nice to the OP.

He won't leave you, unfortunately. If he did then he'd have to look after himself.

I think what you're doing is responding to the fact that he doesn't care for you, either emotionally or physically.

The very best thing for you would be to separate. I don't think you'd feel the need to drink at all, then. There's nothing more lonely than being in a house with someone who isn't kind to you.

Sorry I missed this one.
The underlying issues do seem to be loneliness.

I haven't been able to get back to the gym yet but that's because of DH's medical issues and he's needed extra support at home. That said, him needing that help has, rather selfishly, meant I've had distractions at home which have kept me busy.

I have started walking on my lunch break, especially the ones where we typically go to the pub.

I know there are some long term things I need to sort out. Once DH has his next operation and has recovered, I'm worried about things going back to how they used to be. I suppose I'll just tackle that when I get there...

I've obviously painted a much worse picture of DH than is true here so I do apologise.

He is very kind to me. He's a lovely man who is going through a lot and hasn't been himself because of it. Seeing his friends is his escape where he can try and forget his medical issue, being at home is his safe space where he can zombie out. I do get it.

He hates how things have been and has made such a huge effort since we spoke about things last month. I think we both realised how much things had slipped. The argument on NYE was purely down to a misunderstanding and too much drinking on both sides.

Sorry, I hadn't read all of your posts, OP, before I posted and I didn't realise it was a few months ago.

It sounds as though you're doing incredibly well. Congratulations.

Do you think you could get back to a point where you go to the gym every night? I think it would be really good for you and it sounds as though you enjoyed it a few years ago.

Nah not every night. I don't think that was particularly healthy either as it led me to be obsessive about my body.

This is the problem with having an addictive personality.

This isnt a fair, respectful or realistic comment.
You imply that only the partnefs needs and problems matter.

OP, you are not pathetic. You are in a horrible situation.

I would suggest counselling to help yourself. If you can have days without drinking you are not physically addicted, but you do seem to have a dependency. Counselling may help you work out some of the issues in your life. I also think if DP can make the effort to go out with friends one night a week, he can also make an effort to go out with you once a week. Sounds like he would benefit from some counselling to help him live with his condition.

Well done OP you've done well, considering what you have to deal with.

I've not read the full thread so sorry if this has been suggested, have you tried a hobby you can do at home, something to distract you and using your hands for something else?

Colouring, drawing, diamond painting, cross stitch or journaling and writing your thoughts down. I enjoy scrapbooking, collaging, find it relaxing just cutting out vintage images and sticking them in a book.

Wishing you the best.

Massive well done OP. I think, as others have said and helpfully given their experiences, there are going to be set backs but you've come back from them and it must help hugely that your DH is being supportive.

I've found the podcast "Over the influence" really good and the book "The kindness method" which basically says that we need to be kind to ourselves rather than berate ourselves into changing habits. I've found just reminding myself to be kind to future me helps me not get into the "fuck it, whatever" drinking mode. This is a good summary of the book: https://www.blinkist.com/en/books/the-kindness-method-en#:~:text=Brief%20summary,thinking%20and%20make%20empowering%20choices.

Wow, I'm so pleased to hear things are going well for you OP. You're doing great and you are worth the effort.

What a ridiculous thing to say, addiction has been classed as a disease for decades. His health problem also lets him go out with his mates on a weekly basis, so...

You are doing so well OP, keep going.

Are you making time to have some (non-alcoholic) fun in your life? Meeting friends for walks or cinema or coffee? Getting back to the gym? Taking up a hobby? What can you do to fill your evenings to make you feel less lonely?

I've only just found your thread but wanted to add my support. What an amazing job you've done of picking your crap up, turning the other way and plodding on. Sure there's a long way to go, but you're heading in a positive direction now and that is huge.

Could you set up mini-dates with dh though the week? The lovely weekend together once a month is fantastic but I would be worried that might not include enough maintenance of the relationship between times. Maybe just 15 mins every other day to sit and have a cup of tea together and talk about how each other is doing emotionally (separate to his health which naturally must dominate a lot of your conversation) and once a week doing something you enjoy together - e.g. a board game, watching a film etc, doesn't have to involve going out. I think having a relationship where you feel alone is one of the loneliest places a person can be. But you two sound like you have the foundations of an amazing relationship, it's just that some really difficult life stuff has got in the way and you've drifted from each other and found your own unhelpful crutches. If you can really find each other again, that's the sort of two-way amazing support that helps people though debilitating health and addictions. And yes to getting into your own external positive things like the gym, you need to meet your needs in other places too.

I also grew up the child of an alcoholic but wanted to add that you sound nothing like them. I know everyone is different so that's sort of meaningless, but I also know that comments can stay with you in negative ways, even if they weren't meant that way. You sound caring and sensitive and full of insight about what's going on here and what you can do to change that - I am rooting for you!

Well that was helpful.

Thank you very much.

Honestly the support on here is invaluable.

We have made a deal to have a daily cuddle. It sounds really silly but it's made a huge difference. Once DS has gone to bed, we just stand a cuddle for a few minutes without saying anything. It's like a little reminder that we're both there.
I read this on here ages ago I think so thought we'd give it a try.

@Tempnamefornnow doesn't sound silly at all - it's intimacy and close contact (without sex) that probably does a lot for helping you both feel loved and together. I'm really pleased for you.

Look up some of the really brilliant pages on Instagram aimed at women & sobriety. SoberGirlSociety is a good place to start and will help you find more. In short:

1. use the guilt and anxiety you feel now to make a small commitment to yourself to tackle this.
2. you need to reframe your relationship with alcohol. You drink because you’re lonely but it isn’t helping. I bet it makes you feel even lonelier, right? You need to identify your triggers (evenings alone) and do something different with your time. A book, exercise, cooking, sewing, bloody anything. Decouple your time/activities from the need for alcohol.
3. don’t think about giving up alcohol FOREVER. That’s big and scary. Do it for 100 days. Look at the calendar now and count 100 days. Visualise that sense of achievement you’ll have. How incredible it will feel to look back on 100 nights without arguments and days without hangovers.
4. plan a treat at the end of the 100 days. Something big and splurge-y (use the money you save).

Check out Marian Keyes latest IG post. You CAN take back control. Don’t beat yourself up - alcohol is a poison and is sold to us by very clever corporates. It is designed to get us hooked - there is no moral failing in the fact that it worked on you. It works on millions.

100 days. That’s it. Don’t think about what next. Just 100 days.

Sony rely on your husband for support. This is your life. This is your journey. Do it for yourself.

Good luck. I haven’t drank in years and I am FREE.

Oh, and tell everyone. Frame it as part of a fitness challenge you’ve decided to do. Make not drinking for 100 days part of your personality!

Oh I am sorry, I just saw updates! I was so keen to cheer you on!

Bravo, bravo, keep going!!!