So I'm hungover at work again

[Tempnamefornnow]

I posted in relationships and was directed here and I think this is the right place.

I have an alcohol problem. I've known for the last couple of years that it's been getting worse but I kept thinking I could control it and get back to where I was. Recently it's been bad. While I don't drink every day, I do drink 3/4 nights a week and often alone.

The reason I drink is because I'm lonely.

DS is 7 and is in bed sound asleep by 7.30 each night. DH has a medical issue which causes him a lot of pain and means he doesn't sleep well, so often he goes up to bed around 8.30pm. If he stays up with me, he's just zombied on his phone or snoozing. He does tend to go out once a week with his mates and I always feel a bit hurt that he can make the effort to see and spend time with them, but there isn't much or any effort to do the same with me.

His medical issue means we don't have sex (maybe once every few months), we often don't sleep together because his sleep issue means he often disturbs me so he choses to go into a different room, we can't do much at the weekends because of his pain and limited mobility and generally I just feel so stuck in a rut.

I do 90% of the housework, we both work full time, DS has several activities he does over the weekends which I take him too. None of this suffers because of my drinking which I think means I'm functioning.

But my relationship is down the toilet. Around once a week I drink far too much and DH and I have a blazing row. I know it's largely my fault for drinking but I just feel so unsupported, so alone and so lonely. But how can I be mad at DH when he isn't choosing to be the way he is? He's always had a short fuse but the pain he's in means he's always in a bad mood, DS is often in trouble for really basic kid things, I will piss DH off if I say something in the wrong tone, or whinge at him to help more.

I came clean to DH about my drink problem a few weeks ago and he said he would be there for me to help me, but he hasn't. Nothing has changed. This weekend was exactly the same as every other. I can't burden him with my problem and I'm supposed to be there for him at the moment with his condition. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I'm at work today with a stinking hangover because I had about 2.5 bottles of wine last night and another blazing row with DH which ended with me drinking more out of spite. I'm just so pathetic.

You can't just become a bastard because you are ill. He should be thanking you every day for what you do for him and he needs to know that.

You are not doing anything wrong here, OP. Has he 'come clean' to you about behaving like an arse?

Christ ignore f-ing @sparklefresh - that is the nost stupid crap comment i have ever heard. It doesn't even deserve a response.

@sparklefresh surely all you need to stop is stop having a health condition? how hard can it be?

Honestly, don't be there for him OP, do as little as you possibly can for him. Just treat him a bit rudely. He is not being nice to you and it is understandably causing you resentment and that is probably not helping with the drinking. Behave as if you were on your own and start doing things for yourself, going out with friends, some exercise etc. Just have minimum contact with him and focus entirely on yourself and what you enjoy in your spare time.

Is there any more treatment or help your husband could get for his condition, whether by way of something like physiotherapy or by way of more effective painkillers?

I drank because I was lonely and it’s caused massive problems in my marriage ( and not sure how I kept my job to be honest)

I read the unexpected joy of being sober and it changed my outlook completely!

I aimed for 100 days sober and I made it to 278….. came out the other side with a completely different outlook on drinking and can now drink if I feel like it which isn’t that often!

I also dipped in and out of smart recovery sessions online as I didn’t feel AA would be a good fit for me!! I read lots of quit lit as well!

messge me if you want to….. well done on the first step of acknowledging that there’s an issue!!

Labelling her is unlikely to make her feel any more worthwhile.

I think it's important you realise that just because she has admitted to issues around drinking, it doesn't give strangers on the internet the power to dictate her future.

Would you consider speaking to your doctor to get support to stop. That’s a lot of alcohol you’re binge drinking, and soon enough you too will have health problems. I think speak to your doctor.

Your energy would be better spent on looking for practical ways to stop drinking, rather than spending your energy calling yourself names and telling yourself and us how pathetic, failure, etc etc you are.

Turning your focus onto the inner self is a total waste of time.
It's just a useful distraction to keep yourself drinking to 'fix' the bad feelings.

Do something in real life to stop drinking.

I'd stop creating a diversion by transferring stuff/blame to DH.

Yeah, your relationship is currently a bit shit.
But that's not a good enough reason to give your son a mother who's drunk a few nights of the week and has screaming matches with her husband.

Picking a fight with someone is a great way to get their attention.
Alcohol is a depressant that causes low moods after the drug wears off.

Here's the list:

1. Stop drinking
2. Stop drinking
3. Stop drinking
4. Stop drinking
5. Start looking at other issues in my life without the fog of drink and/or ratty hangover/no patience/depressed mood due to my drinking.

OP, I think you have a lot to unpick here.

I used to drink a lot for similar reasons to the ones you describe - basically I felt miserable. I am sober now and my life is better (not perfect).

Do you still love your husband? Ideally, do you want to be with him for the rest of your life? And why or why not?

You are doing really well at not drinking since the weekend, by the way. One day at a time. And if you have a lapse, doesn't make you a failure. Don't put pressure on yourself or be pressurised by others. One foot in front of the other.

The only thing which helped 2 members of my extended family was AA. They, like you, wanted to stop and commitment to the AA plan was a terrific help to them. Please take steps to sign up and give it a try. I think some of the support is done via video link now so maybe no need to even go out to meetings? Make local enquiries. Each area may do things differently.

Meanwhile, don’t go to the pub on pay day. Find something else to do. A walk is healthier.

Dont buy the booze you don’t want to drink. If you must buy it, water (white wine) down with soda to make a spritzer until you can go without.

If is a fact that binge drinking is lethal to your liver.
Heavy drinking is indicated in bowel cancer.
Drinking adds to mental health & depression issues.

When you are free of the drinking, you will be mentally stronger & can deal with your marriage issues. Right now you are in a vicious circle. Take small steps to a new and stronger you in 2024. Good luck OP. Let us know how you get on.

The opposite of addiction is connection.

Yes, you need professional help to stay off the drink, and you must go and seek it, now. But you are lonely too, and you must make sure to tell any counsellor/therapist about that, and get help to connect with people, be part of life, enjoy life. You're clearly drinking to replace something.

Please do try your absolute best to get help and stay on the wagon. I know you're annoyed at your DP but he probably doesn't know how to help. In fact, there's little he can do. Family members can't do much. Ask me how I know that. You have to change things.

It’s not really surprising that you use alcohol as a crutch given you have so much on your plate with a DH who can’t do much to help you with the mental and physical load of parenting and house stuff because of his condition. But he can’t help that and (presumably) it can’t be changed so although the booze feels like escapism, it won’t be doing anything to lessen the load on you and in fact will just be adding to do it. Your life sounds full on and stressful- but it’ll only be more stressful with excessive alcohol in the mix. Good luck OP, I'm sure you can sort this. 💐

@sparklefresh if you have a health condition does that mean you can't think of others??
You can't support anyone else??

You saying 'choose to stop drinking' to OP is exactly the same as someone saying to you....surely you can just get treatment for your condition and crack on as normal? Or surely you can just get over your health condition??

Op you have a hell of a lot on your plate and using alcohol as a crutch is a very easy and accessible crutch to use. It's a vicious cycle and I'm glad you have admitted that you need help to change.
Please try and reach out to AA and/or your GP.
I've worked with a lot of people who have unhealthy relationships with alcohol. My husband has a neurological problem and I'm under a lot of stress with worry, carrying the mental and physical load of family/day to day life.
I've purposely not bought alcohol for home and change the way I socialise because I had a feeling this would be a crutch I would use.
As my husband doesn't drink alcohol this has made it easier.

I hope you get some support soon Op sending love

Absolutely this.

I speak as someone with a family member who is (probably no longer) a functioning alcoholic. They are simply an alcoholic. Who has no job, no partner, no family, no friends. They just drink now, and are gradually drinking themselves to death.

This is because for all the years they were basically 'functioning' despite being an alcoholic, they never really wanted to quit. They never accepted professional help. They always felt that if they hadn't had a drink for a week, or two weeks, or a month then they could 'just' enjoy a couple socially with friends. Or for special occasions.

What you need, OP if proper professional help and the realisation that having hit this point that you can NEVER touch alcohol again. Ever.

He will leave you eventually if you continue also if you don’t stop you will probably destroy your relationship with your son as it is only a matter of time before he notices, kids aren’t stupid. You could also possibly loose your job.

I would suggest you start by cutting back and also not buying so much drink, if you don’t have 2-3 bottles of wine in the house you can’t drink them.

Your husband also Needs to start pulling his weight

there are also online AA meetings that you can go to I think, you should join them for support, I presume you don’t have to turn on your camera in these meetings

Thank you very much to those who are being kind.

I understand I need some tough love, but the kindness right now is making it feel possible.

I feel like I know what I need to do. I've got an app on my phone to log each day and any drink consumed. I've joined a support site as well and I've taken a lot of this advice onboard. I think I understand why I drink now which I've never really looked at before. I've now acknowledged that I'm lonely and why that is. I've identified opportunities during the week where I can go out for a walk or to the gym or something, DH has suggested we book out a weekend each month as a date weekend and we have to do something special, just us two. It's very early days but I feel determined now.

I skipped the lunch at the pub. I said I had my flu jab booked in so just went off on my own for an hour. I already feel a small victory. I now need to get through the weekend.

You have ended up being your husband's carer, which is not a role you chose. By having to do everything around the house and look after the kids, you are his carer as he can't do it.

You need to choose the life you want, from the options available.
The option for him to be healthy, engaged, and loving is not available to you, as you can't change another person.

Don't waste your life drinking because you are stuck in an unhappy marriage. Change your life. Leave the marriage. Or if it is worth it then choose to stay married but change your life in other ways, such as how you spend your time and what you focus on.

Do you love your job? If not, change your job.

Lets face it, if you carry on drinking like this then the marriage will end anyway. Either he will kick you out / leave you, or you will die.

As @lollo8 said, The opposite of addiction is connection.
Connect with yourself, with life, with the family, friends, people and engaging activities and interests that you love. It will take effort to reach out and connect.
Don't expect a magic connection in your marriage if it is just not there.

Go to AA. Every day.
Go to AA, and keep going back.
Go to AA.

OP, your life sounds exactly like mine was when my DCs were younger. The relationship issues. The medical issues. Except for one thing I did not drink to the excess that you do.

I now have older DCs and my relationship did not survive. We eventually got eroded away by his medical condition that kept us apart at night and we are separated.

I did ‘ween’ myself off drink by reading up about it and recognising it for the poison that it is. You will only be able to function properly and see your life for what it is when you are strong yourself so you need to purge it out of your life and work on yourself sober.

in five years you want to be sorted and in control. It will not happen overnight but please do it for your son who will notice the problems in your house the older he gets.

sort yourself out then sort your relationship out.

once my H saw how independent I had become he left me, and I am ok with it. Your DH might respond differently but you need to be your best version to know.

you drink coz you are lonely and you are lonely coz you drink. I am now on my own after having a houseful for 20 years. But I’m sober and I’m not lonely.

read books about sobriety and prepare to fall off the wagon many times. Just try and keep trying. Your hangovers are the thing that will save you. I shudder at the thought of hangovers as they got so bad. The more sober you become the less you’ll be able to cope with them so it’s likely you’ll have no choice but to stop drinking in time anyway.

@Tempnamefornnow I would look to see if you can get alcohol counselling locally. My family member has finally signed up (after many years of refusing to get help). She has a phone call or visit from someone who understands what it's like and it seems to be really helping.

Maybe you think you aren't enough of an addict, or haven't been an addict long enough, to seek proper help? I really really urge you to do so, for the sake of your relationship with your son.

_

I've identified opportunities during the week where I can go out for a walk or to the gym or something, DH has suggested we book out a weekend each month as a date weekend and we have to do something special, just us two. It's very early days but I feel determined now.

When you say the above, I'm not sure that going for a walk or to the gym is going to do a lot for your loneliness. I'm so sorry if it sounds like I'm shitting on your ideas. It's just that I know so much, too much, about this type of situation.

Do you have a nice aunt or cousin you can start calling each week to chat with? Is there a local in-person class you can attend? Would you ask a neighbour to join them dog-walking?

That’s a really encouraging update @Tempnamefornnow . I’m happy to hear your DH is trying to take your feelings on board and suggested the date weekend. And you sound to have made some really big steps in terms of getting support. And yes, ditch any event that doesn’t help!

The first weekend is always a test, but hang in there.

For those calling my comment (which was intended to prompt some thought into the OP's DH's perspective - not saying it was right, just suggesting what he might think) 'stupid crap': I'm the child of an alcoholic. I'm watching my parent die in front of my eyes as a direct result of their issue. I know what I'm talking about. But thanks.