So I'm hungover at work again

[Tempnamefornnow]

I posted in relationships and was directed here and I think this is the right place.

I have an alcohol problem. I've known for the last couple of years that it's been getting worse but I kept thinking I could control it and get back to where I was. Recently it's been bad. While I don't drink every day, I do drink 3/4 nights a week and often alone.

The reason I drink is because I'm lonely.

DS is 7 and is in bed sound asleep by 7.30 each night. DH has a medical issue which causes him a lot of pain and means he doesn't sleep well, so often he goes up to bed around 8.30pm. If he stays up with me, he's just zombied on his phone or snoozing. He does tend to go out once a week with his mates and I always feel a bit hurt that he can make the effort to see and spend time with them, but there isn't much or any effort to do the same with me.

His medical issue means we don't have sex (maybe once every few months), we often don't sleep together because his sleep issue means he often disturbs me so he choses to go into a different room, we can't do much at the weekends because of his pain and limited mobility and generally I just feel so stuck in a rut.

I do 90% of the housework, we both work full time, DS has several activities he does over the weekends which I take him too. None of this suffers because of my drinking which I think means I'm functioning.

But my relationship is down the toilet. Around once a week I drink far too much and DH and I have a blazing row. I know it's largely my fault for drinking but I just feel so unsupported, so alone and so lonely. But how can I be mad at DH when he isn't choosing to be the way he is? He's always had a short fuse but the pain he's in means he's always in a bad mood, DS is often in trouble for really basic kid things, I will piss DH off if I say something in the wrong tone, or whinge at him to help more.

I came clean to DH about my drink problem a few weeks ago and he said he would be there for me to help me, but he hasn't. Nothing has changed. This weekend was exactly the same as every other. I can't burden him with my problem and I'm supposed to be there for him at the moment with his condition. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I'm at work today with a stinking hangover because I had about 2.5 bottles of wine last night and another blazing row with DH which ended with me drinking more out of spite. I'm just so pathetic.

I don't think you're pathetic. I think you are supporting him, yet he is not supporting you.

As someone with a health condition which I can do nothing at all to change, I can feel your DH's frustration. From his perspective, surely all you need to do is choose to stop drinking.

The stupid thing is, I know this. I know my drinking is causing issues. But I just can't seem to stop.

That's the problem with addiction OP. I think that you'd benefit from reaching out to external experts like AA.

There's no point in beating yourself up more, put it behind you now. Have something nutritious to eat and drink water. You know you have a problem with alcohol, while you get past that don't buy alcohol or have it in the house. Get some help, confide in your GP. Get support here and communicate with others, you won't feel so lonely. Try to introduce a new small habit with your DH, even if it's just watching a series together or trying new cooking. You can get past this and be happy. You're not alone. 💐

I'm worried he is going to leave me for this.

You’re not pathetic at all. You’re coping with a lot of difficult things, and like a lot of people (myself included) you’re using alcohol as a coping mechanism.

Unfortunately, it’s a rubbish coping mechanism as it makes you feel worse, and is addictive. So it’s not easy to “just stop”.

You have made 2 big steps in the right direction- you have told your DH you have a problem and you’ve come on here.

It’s not easy, but it is possible. It is worth reading some “quit lit” so you understand a bit more about how alcohol works- This Naked Mind by Annie Grace is very good, as is The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray.

You will also need to tackle the underlying issues around your relationship with your DH, but try to treat that issue and alcohol as two separate but related problems.

I used alcohol as a coping mechanism for about 3 years, then fixed my other issues and was just left with the alcohol 🙄

But I’m now 20 months sober. So it can be done. Good luck

If the OP has a drink problem, it isn't as simple as just stopping. And that is the kind of comment that could make her feel like a failure.

OP, please get some help. You have made a good start by writing it on here.

I already am a failure.

You are not a failure and you're not pathetic. You're someone dealing with a lot of things at once and you're feeling lonely. An alcohol dependency is not something to be ashamed of, it is way more common than you might expect.
The fact that you're recognising you have the dependency is a big step in itself and not an easy thing to admit to yourself either. I would strongly encourage you to access some support for this via some counselling and maybe worth looking to see if there are any local charities with support groups you could attend. One of the key things to remember is to focus on this one day, and one step, at a time. Looking too far forward can make it all feel insurmountable, one day at a time is manageable. Do you mind saying what area you are based in? We could recommend some available support that way maybe?
Good luck.

That sounds really tough.

What's your ideal outcome?

It sounds as though you know you need to address the alcohol issue. You're clearly "functioning" but there's so much more to life than simply functioning. There's lots of help available, whether through your GP, support groups, counselling or coaching.

Hopefully you'll have more clarity, energy and motivation to address the other issues in your life once you've got this under control.

I really hope you can get some help and supple with this. You might even end up with a whole new social scene of sober mates - this happened to a friend of mine. Stopping drinking is the best thing she's ever done.

All the best. You're worth the effort and you're not a failure. You're in a tough situation which has been understandably getting you down. It's no reflection on you.

I'm in North East England.

I've tried to start on day one many times, but there is always something.

Pfft, ideal outcome is to have a better relationship with alcohol and still be able to enjoy it with friends on proper occasions. I don't want to drink alone anymore, I don't want to drink to forget. I want DH and I to be back to normal.

It sounds to me like you're an alcoholic. Your first step should be AA.

Good luck. You're not pathetic or a loser but you are ill.

I really hope you make progress OP. As I said, I've seen how positive addressing an unhealthy relationship with alcohol has been to others. I don't know if you're at a just quitting level or if you need a more managed reduction - definitely something to seek professional advice on.

As an aside, you said you do 90% of household chores. If you can reduce your alcohol spend, could you afford some help with housework? I know these things are mighty easy to type out and much trickier in real life.

I hope you're feeling better from your hangover anyhow. Also that it's your last one of the week...

Pfft, ideal outcome is to have a better relationship with alcohol and still be able to enjoy it with friends on proper occasions

I think it’s important you realise this isn’t an option for you.

@Tempnamefornnow - sorry you are going through this. I am a problem drinker (I don’t use the word alcoholic for various reasons but I do have a serious alcohol abuse problem - currently on day 114 sober after hundreds of day 1s).

it’s not as easy as “chosing” not to drink, if only it was. You’ve got yourself in a cycle where alcohol temporarily makes your life feel a bit better - a bit of a buzz coupled with a bit of mind numbing is quite the combination when you’re in a bad place.

please take it from someone who has been there - this will get worse. So it is good you recognise your problem so that you can make changes before you fall deeper.

alcohol is designed to be addictive - remember that. It is not your fault that your body is reacting the way it’s meant to. But it is your responsibility to do something about it.

apologies if I am way off here and I don’t know your husband’s condition - but if he can work FT and go out with friends, is there no way he can do more in your relationship- not necessarily sex but intimacy in other ways - even just a nice meal out or a movie night? Can you go to a dance class/gym/nightclass or anything in the evening to make you less lonely and resentful?

and personally I would focus on making your life more pleasant for you rather than thinking about “drinking normally”. What I mean is having a goal that is about what you gain from abstaining rather than some sort of countdown til you can drink again.

good luck - it’s a horrible place to be but you can move on from this 💐

Husbands condition is a physical and mobility one. He's in pain so things like cuddling is fine for short periods but not cuddling up on the sofa. Mobility wise, he can't really get around anymore so going out are out of the question. When he works he has special equipment and when he sees his friends they tend to just go to the pub or round someone's house, he is propped up on a chair and I'll drop him off and pick him up. I want him to not feel isolated and spending some time with his friends helps him feel 'normal' (his words). I do agree that he can make more of an effort with me, but the little that he does at the moment absolutely wipes him out and causes him pain so I don't really want to ask for more. As I say, I'm hoping this will change once he's had his operation.

I've not drank since Sunday (which I know isn't long), but today is a tough day as we always go to a pub for lunch on pay day at work. I'm worried about this weekend and how it'll be, what happens if I cave in?

Well done on not drinking since Sunday. Don’t worry about the weekend for now. For today, just concentrate on not drinking this lunchtime. I found it helped to plan what to drink instead (I often google ahead to see what their AF options are). A lot of getting sober is breaking habits and associations, and it gets easier over time. Good luck

You are doing so well not having a drink since Sunday. That's huge and you should congratulate yourself. I think you've made the big first step already. Keep going!

You are not pathetic at all OP, you are being extremely courageous and a very good person. You could easily have walked out on your husband when he got his health condition but you have stayed. It's very frustrating not to be sexually fulfilled and to not feel cared for but you haven't started an affair or been underhand. He doesn't sound like he is prioritizing you or appreciating you. Is leaving a possibility?

you can have a health condition and still make an effort to make your spouse feel loved and supported surely?

You are not a failure, of course not. Was it your fault your husband got ill and is mean to you? Nope

I have a few health conditions linked to autoimmune disease. My OH is an alcoholic. It sounds as if yours is so wrapped up in his own illness that he can't/doesn't make room for you.
You are not a failure. Addiction isn't something you can just stop, it's a never-ending nightmare. Have you reached out to organizations that could offer help?

You sound incredibly kind and caring OP, you don't have to take your husband to his friends' house but you do because you are nice and then just to be met with moans would be very annoying. I would stop doing that unless he is a bit nicer to you, in fact do the bare minimum for him and prioritise yourself. You are not 'whingeing' to him, you are expressing your perfectly justifiable unhappiness with the situation.