Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Alcohol support

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Original poster

So I'm hungover at work again

101 replies

Tempnamefornnow · 27/11/2023 11:31

I posted in relationships and was directed here and I think this is the right place.

I have an alcohol problem. I've known for the last couple of years that it's been getting worse but I kept thinking I could control it and get back to where I was. Recently it's been bad. While I don't drink every day, I do drink 3/4 nights a week and often alone.

The reason I drink is because I'm lonely.

DS is 7 and is in bed sound asleep by 7.30 each night. DH has a medical issue which causes him a lot of pain and means he doesn't sleep well, so often he goes up to bed around 8.30pm. If he stays up with me, he's just zombied on his phone or snoozing. He does tend to go out once a week with his mates and I always feel a bit hurt that he can make the effort to see and spend time with them, but there isn't much or any effort to do the same with me.

His medical issue means we don't have sex (maybe once every few months), we often don't sleep together because his sleep issue means he often disturbs me so he choses to go into a different room, we can't do much at the weekends because of his pain and limited mobility and generally I just feel so stuck in a rut.

I do 90% of the housework, we both work full time, DS has several activities he does over the weekends which I take him too. None of this suffers because of my drinking which I think means I'm functioning.

But my relationship is down the toilet. Around once a week I drink far too much and DH and I have a blazing row. I know it's largely my fault for drinking but I just feel so unsupported, so alone and so lonely. But how can I be mad at DH when he isn't choosing to be the way he is? He's always had a short fuse but the pain he's in means he's always in a bad mood, DS is often in trouble for really basic kid things, I will piss DH off if I say something in the wrong tone, or whinge at him to help more.

I came clean to DH about my drink problem a few weeks ago and he said he would be there for me to help me, but he hasn't. Nothing has changed. This weekend was exactly the same as every other. I can't burden him with my problem and I'm supposed to be there for him at the moment with his condition. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I'm at work today with a stinking hangover because I had about 2.5 bottles of wine last night and another blazing row with DH which ended with me drinking more out of spite. I'm just so pathetic.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tempnamefornnow · 30/11/2023 15:34

sparklefresh · 30/11/2023 15:28

For those calling my comment (which was intended to prompt some thought into the OP's DH's perspective - not saying it was right, just suggesting what he might think) 'stupid crap': I'm the child of an alcoholic. I'm watching my parent die in front of my eyes as a direct result of their issue. I know what I'm talking about. But thanks.

I think people were responding to the bluntness of your reply. I really wish I could just not drink. I wish I didn't feel this way or end up in this position. If it was as easy as just stopping, no one would have an addiction to anything.

I'm very sorry about your parent and I do appreciate your POV.

OP posts:
Freakinfraser · 30/11/2023 16:20

Wel done on missing the pub, that’s a huge improvement.

if you go to the gym, would you consider a class? Those tend to me more sociable than the gym itself. Don’t listen to anyone poo pooing your ideas. A large part of loneliness is also boredom, so focusing on getting fit, is a great idea even if it’s not a class. It diverts your mind elsewhere and gives you a purpose.

Freakinfraser · 30/11/2023 16:23

sparklefresh · 30/11/2023 15:28

For those calling my comment (which was intended to prompt some thought into the OP's DH's perspective - not saying it was right, just suggesting what he might think) 'stupid crap': I'm the child of an alcoholic. I'm watching my parent die in front of my eyes as a direct result of their issue. I know what I'm talking about. But thanks.

I’m very surprised that if that’s the case you do not seem to know that it isn’t as easy as choosing to stop drinking.

Original poster
Tempnamefornnow · 30/11/2023 16:32

Freakinfraser · 30/11/2023 16:20

Wel done on missing the pub, that’s a huge improvement.

if you go to the gym, would you consider a class? Those tend to me more sociable than the gym itself. Don’t listen to anyone poo pooing your ideas. A large part of loneliness is also boredom, so focusing on getting fit, is a great idea even if it’s not a class. It diverts your mind elsewhere and gives you a purpose.

Years ago I used to be an active gym goer. Was very fit, worked out six times a week, often with DH. We ate well and it was a huge part of our lives. It slipped after I had DS and up until about 18 months ago, I would go at least 2 times a week. When I was 'gyming' it would make me think more about my body and what was going into it so this is why I'm hoping it'll help me beat the urge to drink, or at the very least, give me pause for thought before I do.

I don't think I could go to a class until I sort out my baseline fitness levels.

OP posts:
80skid · 30/11/2023 18:27

Tempnamefornnow · 30/11/2023 14:47

Thank you very much to those who are being kind.

I understand I need some tough love, but the kindness right now is making it feel possible.

I feel like I know what I need to do. I've got an app on my phone to log each day and any drink consumed. I've joined a support site as well and I've taken a lot of this advice onboard. I think I understand why I drink now which I've never really looked at before. I've now acknowledged that I'm lonely and why that is. I've identified opportunities during the week where I can go out for a walk or to the gym or something, DH has suggested we book out a weekend each month as a date weekend and we have to do something special, just us two. It's very early days but I feel determined now.

I skipped the lunch at the pub. I said I had my flu jab booked in so just went off on my own for an hour. I already feel a small victory. I now need to get through the weekend.

That's brilliantly positive, well done Flowers
Do keep us updated. I'm rooting for you

Original poster
Tempnamefornnow · 02/12/2023 18:29

Still going strong! First booze free weekend in a very long time

OP posts:
Noicant · 02/12/2023 18:34

You are doing a lot for others and your own needs aren’t being met. I think you need some company outside the house, people who want your company and not just stuff done for them(I’m not saying this is your family but you are giving out a lot and not much coming back at the moment).

funbags3 · 02/12/2023 18:35

Well done! Keep going.

BlueGrey1 · 02/12/2023 19:16

That’s great, well done!!

Onewildandpreciouslife · 02/12/2023 19:22

Great update! Lovely to hear

80skid · 11/12/2023 19:42

How's it going?

RandomMess · 11/12/2023 19:56

I'm so glad you made some small improvements already.

With the money saved on booze pay for a cleaner? I'm thinking that would benefit for you by having less to do at home.

Squeaky2023 · 11/12/2023 20:01

sparklefresh · 27/11/2023 12:32

That's the problem with addiction OP. I think that you'd benefit from reaching out to external experts like AA.

What a callous response. The OP's DH gives nothing back to her. I'm sure the OP's problems with alcohol would disappear if he did.

thefallen · 12/12/2023 07:26

@Squeaky2023 that's not how addiction works... you don't just recover if people do what you want. To suggest that you do is manipulative and makes it sound like you blame addicts' loved ones for the addiction.

Original poster
Tempnamefornnow · 12/12/2023 11:24

Since I made this post I've drank one two occasions.
I reached out on a dedicated support forum and they basically told me that I needed to address the underlying problems because this will help with the urge to drink (which is basically what a lot of you said as well).

It's become very clear to me that my problem seems to be drinking when I'm alone or feeling low or lonely. The two occasions I've had a drink in the last few weeks have been as part of celebrations and with people, socialising. I've also tracked every drink I've had and set a limit that I'm not allowed to go over which I've stuck to. Both times I've stopped when I've reached my limit despite really wanting to continue drinking. I've committed to doing dry January with some friends as well.

I know this probably sounds like a failure and it is in a way, but I'm really proud of what I have done, that I've resisted the midweek drinks and the drinking at home alone, and that I've been able to stop when I have allowed myself to drink. DH is proud of me as well and he says he does recognise that his condition has affected me. We've set up some couples goals and I think we're both looking at January as a fresh start with some big changes.

OP posts:
BlueGrey1 · 12/12/2023 11:35

I think you are doing very well, keep going

don’t let a couple of slip ups put you off

RandomMess · 12/12/2023 11:41

I too think you have done really well.

It's a long road to deal will long term issues.

coldandmiserableinbirmingham · 12/12/2023 17:58

You're doing so well OP. I'm on the same journey.
I find the app helps and of course mumsnet.
If yiuare thinking of getting professional help I can recommend SMART recovery. I'd warn against AA, they are ex addicts,there is no safeguarding, training or medical experience. The old timers tell you to go cold turkey and to ignore the doctors as there is no truth in what they tell you . AA is based on 12 steps...Google it...you must ultimately give your power over to your higher power in order to be cured of this " disease " as they call it.
Most of the old timers have been in rehab where they would have received medical intervention by way of drugs, counselling etc.so they would have been dried out in a safe environment. I have met people who have long term brain damage from suddenly stopping taking alcohol.
Speak to your GP. Mine has been incredibly supportive.
I wish you every success.

Original poster
Tempnamefornnow · 19/01/2024 10:50

Just thought I'd drop in for a wee update.

I drank over Christmas and New Year. It lead to a big argument with DH which absolutely ruined New Year. Christmas was fine though. The NY argument was based on a misunderstanding but with us both having had a drink, it escalated to shouting at each other and me crying.

So, I haven't touched a drop since. I know it's only 19 days but this is the longest I've ever gone without a drink (since being an adult and outside of being pregnant).

I've started buying non-alcoholic drinks for home including NA beer (I've never been a beer drinker so I can't really taste the difference). I did try a nosecco but it was awful and I'd rather just not.

I feel like I'm trying to wean myself off of needing something to sit with in the evenings. I've realised I have to have something to sip at so for now it's NA beer or sparkling flavoured water, but hopefully I can drop that too.

I'm trying to work this like I did when I quit smoking. I dropped the amount I smoked, then replaced with vapes, then worked down from there. I've been smoke/vape free in close to 2 years which is probably when my drinking increased as well.

DH keeps telling me how impressed he is with me. He has been great and really supportive, though his medical issue has worsened so to be honest, the focus has really been on him and trying to get him the support he needs. I'm hoping to keep this up. Perhaps not being tee total but only drinking on occasions and only drinking a set amount of drinks with water in between. I've promised that I'll never drink a whole bottle of wine in one sitting again so I really need to stick to this.

OP posts:
YoBeaches · 19/01/2024 11:00

This is a great update OP, though having read the whole thread it sounds like whilst you are focusing on not drinking, has anything much professed in dealing with the underlying issues?

Can you get to the gym once DS is in bed, or do excercise videos on line at home?

Get out for a walk on your lunch break.

Learn to cook a new meal.

You also need things that occupy your time more positively, and potentially things you and DH can do together.

Keep going, you've made a great start.

BlueGrey1 · 19/01/2024 11:12

Well done, that’s a big achievement!

DetoxedAlcoholic · 19/01/2024 11:14

Oh OP! I am so, so proud of you. The first step is to realise that there's underlying reasons you drink and you've totally got that. You're doing amazingly. Keep going, you fell but you got up again, keep going.
Gosh, I am just so proud of you!
(3 years sober after many, many relapses)

Original poster
Tempnamefornnow · 19/01/2024 11:23

DetoxedAlcoholic · 19/01/2024 11:14

Oh OP! I am so, so proud of you. The first step is to realise that there's underlying reasons you drink and you've totally got that. You're doing amazingly. Keep going, you fell but you got up again, keep going.
Gosh, I am just so proud of you!
(3 years sober after many, many relapses)

ffs that just made me tear up haha!

Thank you.

OP posts:
DetoxedAlcoholic · 19/01/2024 11:24

You deserve huge praise, never forget that. 🎉

UpUpUpU · 19/01/2024 11:41

Just read your whole thread OP. Absolutely fantastic! You keep going and be so proud of yourself!