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Alcohol support

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The continuing support thread for living alcohol free, every day. Everyone welcome.

968 replies

Blackberryblossom · 02/10/2023 08:34

Hello, and welcome to the alcohol-free support thread. The original thread was started about three years ago by drybird.

We’re a broad community who have all chosen to live alcohol free for good. Whatever your reasons, whatever you’re going through, someone here will have been there too. People here will have done that first sober holiday, first sober Christmas/birthday/work do/wedding/funeral, first AF night out with the drinking friends, first (and 2nd and 3rd…) AF Friday night/Sunday lunch, first day 31/day 101, first lapse. Don’t be shy about posting, we love all the successes of whatever shape and size and we have all been there too when things go wrong.

If you’re looking to moderate your drinking rather than quit altogether then maybe have a look at the long-running and very active moderation/abstaining thread that’s always near the top on the alcohol support board? Lots of support there too.

Brew yourself a Brew and come on in!

OP posts:
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Onewildandpreciouslife · 06/04/2024 19:28

Good to hear from you @WendyWagon and glad you’re home.

Welcome @ponzusoup . Do you have a nice evening planned? Lots of us find that reading “quit lit” helps- you might find something like This Naked Mind by Annie Grace or The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray helpful. Good luck!

ShyMaryEllen · 06/04/2024 19:30

You can do it, @ponzusoup . You need to want to, and to make no excuses, but you can.

What was your drink of choice? You could get the AF version, and replace your usual with that if you think it would help? I found that really useful, although I was a wine drinker and the pretend stuff is full of sugar, but one step at a time.

You could also try hypnosis tracks when you are going to sleep. Craig Beck does some good ones, and you can get them free if you sign up for an Audible account. I got some sleep headphones from Amazon, and played hypnosis tracks in bed for the first year or so. I don't know if they worked or whether I'd have been able to stop without them, but they are nice to fall asleep to even if the hypnosis itself has no effect.

ponzusoup · 06/04/2024 20:05

thank you ladies. my evening unfortunately is filled with anxiety and shame from my behaviour last night and the horrible comedown from booze. DD1 and DP are out - latter is really pissed with me but being kind. DD2 heard me puking last night and went out with her friend all day.

i will definitely look at some of the quit lit. need all support i can get as know that once the shameful feelings subside i'm he really back at the booze. it has to be different this time. i feel so sad.

WendyWagon · 06/04/2024 20:21

@ponzusoup hello, I am here to hold your hand. I have more shame than a politician on IHNFY.
I actually found my spankz from my infamous flashing at a industry event in 2021! I shall never wear them again.
So your husband is angry? I actually wanted my husband to leave me, more booze for me. But you know what that was the wine talking. My DH is a good person, I was a drunk. I buried years of stress and grief in a nightly addiction to 'mothers helper'. I'm your age 58, it doesn't sit well.
Two years in I can walk past the shelves and avoid the social drinks. I look younger and my adult children talk to me.
I am not a paragon of virtue hence the name but ask me anything, the 'lads' and I have been there. We wish you well.

ponzusoup · 06/04/2024 20:26

@WendyWagon thank you, feel grateful and humble. hsve been here before and every road has lead back to booze. feels different this time. liver aches, have started secret drinking, kids know what's going on. thank you for the hand hold. i'm going minute to minute right now. dog is keeping me company.

Itsrainingten · 06/04/2024 20:26

Ah glad you're home @WendyWagon hope you manage to get lots of rest

ShyMaryEllen · 06/04/2024 21:43

ponzusoup · 06/04/2024 20:26

@WendyWagon thank you, feel grateful and humble. hsve been here before and every road has lead back to booze. feels different this time. liver aches, have started secret drinking, kids know what's going on. thank you for the hand hold. i'm going minute to minute right now. dog is keeping me company.

No judgement here. I've been where you are, and understand.

It sounds as though you're ready to make a change, which is great. I didn't do quit lit, as I didn't want to be always thinking about alcohol - plus I didn't need reminding about the things people do when they're drunk. The hypnosis tracks are mostly relaxation, which I needed to help me sleep, as I had forgotten how it felt to go to bed sober. On the whole, they talk you through getting into as relaxed a state as possible, then repeat phrases about how you are worth more than this, or how you are strong enough to say no - that sort of thing. I don't remember exactly what, as it's been a while since I used them and I was pretty much asleep by that point anyway. Again though, it's about what works for you, and a lot of people swear by the books.

Please get some thiamine, as if you've been caning it you are likely to be deficient in that, and that can affect your brain. You need high strength, but that's ok as you excrete any excess. I seem to remember it changes the colour of your wee, but can't remember the detail - orange, I think. Don't worry if that happens though.

If you have liver aches, are you planning to see your GP? Mine was very good. I was scared, embarrassed and ashamed, but he was kind, as has been everyone else I've seen in the NHS - from consultants to nurses and radiographers. If you have the headspace you might want to weigh up the pros and cons of getting your liver checked though. In some ways it might be better to lay off the booze for three months and then get it done, but OTOH knowing that there's a medical reason to stop immediately can be the kick start you need - it was for me.

ponzusoup · 06/04/2024 23:08

thanks @ShyMaryEllen for taking the time to reply. just got into bed for first saturday night sober in a long time. got the sweats and back ache. too scared to think about liver checks right now. don't even know what my resolve will be like tomorrow but i need to make myself accountable. day one done

Blackberryblossom · 07/04/2024 08:12

Hello and welcome @ponzusoup , how are you this morning? Well done on cracking your first Saturday night. No judgement from here - coming up to 58 and so very happy to have my life back.
I'm glad you're home again @WendyWagon , wishing you a comfortable recovery.
I'm struggling to catch up before heading out to the studio but wanted to say good morning all. We've got this. 💪

OP posts:
ponzusoup · 07/04/2024 08:25

thanks @Blackberryblossom just woken up still feeling hungover from friday but glad that i stuck to tea last night! mind working overtime wondering why some of us can't drink in moderation - is it an intrinsic disease or is it self medicating life experiences? i could believe either or both and to not drip feed i work closely with the addictions field which amplifies my shame at getting into this mess. i had a miserable childhood with an abusive mum who i have recently realised is autistic ( my fabulous eldest DD was diagnosed 2 years ago - i'm now wondering about me) - not that that excuses my mums behaviour - but just to explain there's been a lot on my plate. anyway, day 2, lots to process. still don't know if i can do this. alcohol is in the dna of my weekends.

ponzusoup · 07/04/2024 08:32

i spent some of last night reading back through this thread. i think some at some point says something about having a bone deep feeling of well being since they gave up alcohol. i want that so much. you are all very very inspirational to me right now and you may just save my life.

threeandmeandthedog · 07/04/2024 09:15

@ponzusoup well done on getting through day 1. It never gets old waking up without a hangover, ever.

I found reading the book Alcohol Explained by William Porter, a real game changer for me. It explained the science of alcohol and the affect it has on the mind and body- it’s very clear and logical and it takes an Alan Carr approach to change. It’s short, accessible and the penny dropped for me when I read it.

It made me realize that anyone can be addicted to alcohol because the very nature of it is addictive. Which may sound obvious, but I was stuck in a cycle of blaming my own weakness and shaming myself, and it really helped to take on board that a lot of my relationship with alcohol and difficulties with binge drinking was down to alcohol doing what to was designed to do and if I wanted to stop binge drinking I needed to stop drinking, full stop.

ponzusoup · 07/04/2024 09:43

@threeandmeandthedog thanks. that does make sense. not everyone uses alcohol to cope with difficult experiences, they find other ways. alcohol is a very sneaky chemical that is for sure. i think i am addicted to the initial high/numb/flooding of the first big g&t. i started drinking spirits - big measures - as an aperitif 6 or 7 years ago and then on to the wine. that's when i really felt trouble. i go back and top up the spirit when no one is looking and recently have. been hammered by 10. only on weekends tho. i struggle sober through the weekdays feeling rubbish. scared to put this in the past tense. sunday without a big evening drink will be interesting. i am going to do it. have already decided.

ShyMaryEllen · 07/04/2024 10:04

I may be an outlier here, but I believe that analysis can wait - put bluntly, when giving up it doesn’t matter why we drink, how we got to a point where drinking became a problem, and where we sit on a scale of problematic drinking (social drinker, problem drinker, alcoholic) doesn’t matter either. The important thing is that we stop and stay stopped.

The rest is interesting, and an ability to understand ourselves helps psychologically, and might even prevent relapse, but (and this is just my opinion) getting hung up on it in the early stages is likely to be counterproductive. Even qualified psychologists don’t analyse themselves- it’s all but impossible to be dispassionate - and depending on our personalities we are likely to be really hard on ourselves or to make excuses.

I agree that anyone can have a negative experience with alcohol, and that this is because of the alcohol itself. The way it is advertised, made available, marketed as an essential celebratory ingredient and so on doesn’t help, and yes, the substance itself is addictive. There is a whole industry devoted to pushing booze onto us, and another to helping us stop.

Whether you beat yourself up or excuse yourself (and the rest of us) for developing a difficult relationship with alcohol won’t alter the fact that breaking free of it is difficult but vital to moving forward to a healthier, happier and richer way of life. That is where I think our attention should be.

Whatever the reason for needing to stop, what is the best way to do it? The answer to that will differ from person to person. Some people need to fill the time that used to be filled with drinking. Others need a dopamine hit. Some need to break a deeply ingrained habit and so on. What worked for me might or might not work for some, but it will for others.

I think the ‘trick’ (if only it were as simple as that!) is to work out what alcohol does for us, and find a way to replace that with something else. If that sounds blunt, that’s because I can be, and if it is simplistic that’s because the bottom line is simple - we drink or we don’t, and there are huge profits being made persuading us to do both. I know it’s not easy though, and I’m not remotely smug or complacent about my own situation, I promise.

ponzusoup · 07/04/2024 10:25

@ShyMaryEllen that's interesting and super helpful to me in the early stages as you are right, i need to learn to put one foot in front of the other without booze on an hour by hour basis. beating myself up will not make that easier. but when and if i manage any decent run of sober time, there are things i'd like to work on about me that possibly contribute to me oblivion seeking too. someone back on this thread said that sobriety is like being given a shovel and wanting to dig into the psyche. but honestly what do i know? i feel very humble at the feet of all of your long term sobriety which i have not managed to build yet, so i don't know what my journey or my building blocks will be but i am very very grateful for this conversation and all of your wisdom and experience so generously shared. thank you

Crunchymum · 07/04/2024 14:57

@WendyWagon you had an operation? I've only been gone a few days, what did I miss? Hope you're okay?

Onwards and upwards to you all. Whether it be day 2 or day 2222, every day counts and every day is important.

WendyWagon · 07/04/2024 18:46

@Crunchymum hello. I have just had a newish infusion for my RA. A full day in the chair and back again in a fortnight.
I seem OK with a bit of a headache. I did actually work myself up with fright but the nurses were great. Very calm.
The weeks before without my old meds were very dibilatating on top of the fibromaylgia. The next thing will be a op for a 'fred' nodule. At least the NHS is helping me.

ponzusoup · 07/04/2024 19:19

take it easy @WendyWagon

i'm sitting with a ginger beer and ice and distracting myself by making a curry. would normally be on the second big gin by now Confused

ShyMaryEllen · 07/04/2024 19:31

ponzusoup · 07/04/2024 19:19

take it easy @WendyWagon

i'm sitting with a ginger beer and ice and distracting myself by making a curry. would normally be on the second big gin by now Confused

Sounds good. Ginger beer goes well with curry.

I'm watching the Attenborough thing with AF fizz and a pizza. Hippos are fighting at the minute, which reminds me that I am supposed to be starting a diet tomorrow😁

ponzusoup · 07/04/2024 19:38

@ShyMaryEllen LOL

atmosphere here a bit subdued ... but day 2 coming to a close and the week always easier ...

ShyMaryEllen · 07/04/2024 19:58

Yes, every day that passes is a step in the right direction.

I think ginger beer is a good shout, as it's not too much like a children's drink. It's worth looking about for similar alternatives and always drink them out of the right glass. Getting the habit side of things right can take away some of the strangeness of not drinking.

As I struggled with sleep, I liked having a scented bath, and getting into a warm bed in a scented room. I'd put the diffuser thing on in the bedroom when the bath was running, so I could smell it when I got out. In winter I used an electric blanket, too. Do you have a TV in your bedroom? If you don't sleep, and if you can use headphones so you don't disturb your husband (or can decamp to a spare room, which is what I did when I wasn't tired) you can get through episodes of long series. I watched all of Stella and Downton Abbey - easy watching and it doesn't matter if you fall asleep. If you miss something vital (unlikely) you can always rewind it, and it's better than lying awake and thinking about things. Obviously you can use your phone/laptop if you don't like TVs in bedrooms.

Just be kind to yourself, and get whatever treats make you feel good. You will save money by not drinking, so there's no harm in spending it on fancy bath oil or new pyjamas. This time next week you'll feel a lot better, and it will carry on improving as time goes on.

I've just remembered, for the first few weeks I had amazing dreams. I think it's the brain rewiring or something. It was like having a mystery cinema ticket every night 😀. It was brilliant.

ponzusoup · 07/04/2024 20:32

great advice there thank you. like the idea of new pyjamas and scented rooms! house and self care has been a bit neglected whilst i've been wallowing on booze....

ponzusoup · 07/04/2024 23:22

wow. so you can choose to go to bed sober on a sunday!!! Smile

ponzusoup · 08/04/2024 09:32

checking in for accountability on day 3. monday makes it easier. am off work this week and out for friends birthday tomorrow - would normally be really boozy but am going and am not drinking. 💪🏻

Onewildandpreciouslife · 08/04/2024 10:00

Morning all.
Well done on your sober Sunday @ponzusoup ! I recommend doing some planning for your friend’s birthday- what will you drink instead of your normal? What will you say about not drinking? (Some people find it easier to lie and go the “antibiotics” route, or driving, others just say they’re on a health kick, or you might know your friends well enough to be completely honest). How will you get home ? Be prepared to leave earlier than you usually would - drunk people are loud and wearing, and early sobriety is tiring!
In these early days you need to be selfish: do whatever you need to protect your sobriety.