The continuing support thread for living alcohol free, every day. Everyone welcome.

[Blackberryblossom]

Hello, and welcome to the alcohol-free support thread. The original thread was started about three years ago by drybird.

We’re a broad community who have all chosen to live alcohol free for good. Whatever your reasons, whatever you’re going through, someone here will have been there too. People here will have done that first sober holiday, first sober Christmas/birthday/work do/wedding/funeral, first AF night out with the drinking friends, first (and 2nd and 3rd…) AF Friday night/Sunday lunch, first day 31/day 101, first lapse. Don’t be shy about posting, we love all the successes of whatever shape and size and we have all been there too when things go wrong.

If you’re looking to moderate your drinking rather than quit altogether then maybe have a look at the long-running and very active moderation/abstaining thread that’s always near the top on the alcohol support board? Lots of support there too.

Brew yourself a and come on in!

Thanks @REP22 I have just downloaded and set up. Conservative estimate of 372 saved so far. I don't download these things due to shame. Just in case someone sees. I still feel ashamed but I am going to find ways to celebrate keeping sober.

@Womanshour that's brilliant, enjoy your £372 treat! Secret shame is a big thing for me too. Only the dog ever sees the real me, and he's not telling. But the courage you've shown in facing the truth, even just privately, to yourself, is immense and not something that everyone can or will do. So there's no shame really. But that is so, so easy to say. Quite another thing to feel. I hate myself most of the time.

I think you're doing fantastically. xx

Thank you so much that's means a lot @REP22 .

It's ridiculous that there's so much shame. At least we can celebrate each other here. X

Ugh I feel you on the shame thing. I refused to download anything with the word "sober" in it. I'm using an app called Nomo to count my days because if anyone is using my phone it's not immediately obvious what it is. Even if they click in I'm not sure that the clock would mean anything to anyone else. I think I feel the shame even more accurately because of my mother being more interested in alcohol than she was my sister's and I. She eventually drank herself to death. I hold a LOT of shame that after KNOWING what being the child of an alcoholic is like, I was basically giving my kids the same shitty childhood. It makes me sick to think about it. But I'm 16 weeks today and I'm not going back to poisoning myself and my relationship with my family.
I know that I should be proud of my achievements and I am but I'm also too ashamed to admit to anyone how bad my relationship is with alcohol if don't stop. Even my husband doesn't really know.
If my kids aren't subjected to drunk mum I'm hoping it will break the cycle and alcohol won't be a problem for them in the future.

@Itsrainingten I'm so sorry about your mum. What a wretched thing to have to deal with; it must hurt you every day. You're doing your best to shape a better future though. Strong and brave despite it all. Your kids are lucky to have you. x

I agree about the shame thing - I told everyone I was giving it up for Lent to avoid questions, and now Lent is over!

I downloaded an App that clearly bases the "money saved" on ordering drinks at a bar in the South East - it bears no relation to the actual figures I worked out myself by going through the figures of what I actually used to spend. I might try the I Am Sober app instead.

Like @Womanshour , I've got a birthday coming up and am making plans.

Birthdays usually involve restaurants and lots of wine, so I'm looking for totally different ways to celebrate. I think a day out will be the answer. I have a couple of absolute favourites the rest of the family aren't keen on, so that will feel like a real treat, going just where I want (and yes, @Onewildandpreciouslife it is exactly a thing I loved when I was 12 and still do!)

Welcome, @Wineisnottheanswer and @ShyMaryEllen ! I find such support and solace on this thread (daily thanks to @Blackberryblossom for starting it!) and I hope you will too. I appreciated your story, Shy, and thank you for sharing it with us.

Good luck with the op, @WendyWagon! I am struggling to accept I am now disabled and unable to walk, explore or do most of the things I enjoyed in life. It's straining my optimism to the maximum. I hope yours brings you back to dance and joy.

If it helps I still had shame until the second year AF. I now cringe but you know what, I was self harming through grief.
Now if anyone mentions it I own up. I called myself an alcoholic after about eight months. I don't bother to confirm it anymore. Most people either don't believe me or shuffle away.
Shame needs to see the light.
Dark corners don't help.
We are not perfect. We don't need hair shirts or penance, just understanding.
My adult children get my unhappiness now, the difference is I'm not drunk by 6pm.
I'm proud of me and if you told me I would refuse wine two years ago I would have said, ah no. I was even planning to go out in a Oyster Bay box!
So if I can do it so can you.
Be kind, be determined and take each day as a win.
Love to all., thanks for the good wishes.

You're all right about how shame is destructive, but I feel it too. Being told I had cirrhosis was hideous. The thought that my children would know that their mother had died of it was worse than the thought of actually dying of it. Insane? Maybe, but there is still such a stigma around it, and it's definitely worse for women.

The thing is though, because many of us (including me) don't tell anyone when it's a problem, we can't tell them when we do well, either. I totally understand the secrecy. When I first stopped I had a spreadsheet and filled in a cell for each day I didn't drink. Even though nobody uses my laptop but me I put a password on it. Pointless, but still. Anyway, £372 is so good @Womanshour - I hope you get yourself a really good treat. Someone I spoke to online got herself a piece of jewellery made after the first year, so she could remind herself of how far she'd come, and only she knew the significance. My last drink was on a bank holiday, so I remember to myself when it comes round, and raise a glass of AF fizz to myself. I've long since stopped counting the days, but I know the years from that.

I don't see myself as an alcoholic, funnily enough. Maybe that's kidding myself, but it doesn't matter, really. I see myself as someone who used to have a drinking problem, but who now doesn't drink. I don't like the idea that an alcoholic is always addicted, but 'in recovery'. I'm not addicted, as I don't drink. I know it would be a very bad idea if I started again, as my liver is still badly compromised and I clearly have addictive tendencies, but drinking is, and always was, a choice, and I choose not to drink.

Which A level are you doing, @Itsrainingten ?

@ShyMaryEllen its psychology. There are a few compulsory units then you get a choice of 3 options of 3 for the last part. Funnily enough the one I've chosen is forensic psychology, aggression & addiction. I'm not going to lie. It's the addiction section that had me most interested.

Ooh, if you fancy sharing when you get to that part, it will be interesting to read. Good luck with it - it does sound interesting.

Best of luck with your op @WendyWagon

Yes good luck @WendyWagon hope all goes well

@WendyWagon hope tomorrow goes smoothly and you are home with a glass of milk before you know it.

Morning lads, thank you. I'm a bit scared but at least I wasnt playing can I drink before this!
See you post the 'dancing juice'.

Hello all,
I've been away on an Easter break, but I'm still here and sober, and just caught up on the thread. Hello @Womanshour and congrats on a month. I hope you come up with something splendid for your birthday with that hard saved booze cash.

I'd like to join everyone saying thankyou to @ShyMaryEllen for sharing your story. I so identify with the shame. I have to admit I'm really worried about what I've done to my liver. It's stopped hurting now I've stopped drinking, but it had gotten to the point where it started to ache in that area as soon as I had a drink. I don't really understand the idea that it can't hurt because the liver doesn't have nerves. I've often read that but anecdotal experience of drinkers seems to be that it does hurt. And I have red blotches on one of my palms. More vainly, sometimes i wonder how much better my skin would look now in my 50s if I'd never drunk. @ShyMaryEllen i agree completely with @WendyWagon - it's so helpful to see that it's no joke, this alcohol culture and what it does to us individually. I am very very happy. for you about your recent scan and ditching the cirrhosis diagnosis. Congratulations, and thanks again.

@REP22 please don't hate yourself. I admire you, and all of us for doing what we are doing.

@WendyWagon i'm sorry to hear about the very lousy work situation and good luck with your op.

You're all very kind. I was worried that going onto a thread for the first time and telling my story like that might seem a bit self-indulgent, so it's good to see that it wasn't taken that way.

I'm not sure what your op is for @WendyWagon , but I hope it goes well, too.

@REP22 I totally get the self-hatred. I feel it too, particularly when I think about my (now adult) children, but the only way to deal with it really is to try to concentrate on what we've done to turn things round. The nurse said on Tuesday that giving up alcohol is harder than giving up heroin. I don't know how that was measured, as clearly someone who has a glass of sherry at Christmas is going to find it easier to give up than someone knocking back a couple of bottles of win a night, but I've seen it described like that before, and liver nurses are very specialist.

I think the only way to do it for someone who's gone past the social drinker stage is to knock it on the head. Moderation isn't really possible, other than on a 'toast at a wedding' level. I don't think (in fact I know) that the TV trope of one sip leading to ruination isn't true for everyone, and would have one glass in some rare circumstances, but I think that going out and saying 'I'll stick to one or two' just doesn't work if your body is used to more, and your brain just wants to keep going. It's much easier to stick to no booze, plus it doesn't muddy the waters and let friends think you're not really teetotal but a light drinker. That makes it harder to say no. But like so much about this sort of thing, it's what works for us all as individuals that matters. My son got married two years ago, so I was five years in, and I had the toast at the reception and a glass of prosecco at the party. I was determined not to have more, partly because the last thing I wanted to do was embarrass him as I've done before, and partly because I was too scared of reversing the no-booze lifestyle. I didn't wake up in a skip clutching a bottle of vodka with an unsuitable man next to me, as would have happened on Eastenders 😀I wouldn't do it on a normal night out, though, as it's all too easy to think it'll be ok, and we all know it won't.

I'm also determined not to think that now I've no longer got cirrhosis it will be ok to have an occasional glass of wine, and I suspect it might be tempting to let those thoughts creep in. It's got to be a hard 'no' every time.

I think for me now @ShyMaryEllen I don’t ever again want to feel that “hunger” for the next glass. I stopped drinking 2 years ago, but I still remember how it used to feel waiting until it was socially acceptable to pour the next glass. I’m not going back to that place. I would dearly love to escape my thoughts sometimes, but it’s not worth the cost.

Good to see you back @livingalivelife and well done on staying sober on your break.

Anecdotally I would have to agree that quitting heroin is easier than alcohol. Because heroin is much easier to avoid. You can totally take yourself out of that life, move away etc. You can't do that with alcohol (unless you moved to the middle east maybe?)
My mum managed to quit her heroin addiction at about the age of 27 (when I was 8) but it was the alcohol she couldn't get past and that eventually killed her at only 49.
So wherever you're at in your journey be proud of yourself. Just like you would be of an ex heroin addict.
The main difference really I think is that one is illegal and the other is socially acceptable. But alcohol is at least as harmful to the user as heroin is.

I agree that being surrounded by alcohol all the time adds to the difficulty of giving it up. I also agree that we should be more celebratory of our success rather than dwelling too much on our failures. I know I would absolutely feel admiration for someone who had come through addiction rather than blame them for getting into it in the first place. It's just that I think women are so much harder on themselves than on others.

I'm so sorry about your mum. 49 is far too young, and you can't have been very old at the time, which must have made it even worse.

Morning lads.
Home from the procedure and I tolerated it well. Just tired.
I have been scoffing due to the steriods but luckily no interest in the grape.
I think I agree with Shy I don't feel addicted to alcohol anymore and although I am a big fan of AA I am not 'one drink away from death' (I don't like that fear mecanisim). I also dream of vintage champagne but I'm not likely to be offered any these days! I'll save it for my son''s wedding and that's years away I think. A bit of bed rest for me and a week off next week. Hoorah.

Good news about the op, and enjoy a relaxing weekend and week of convalescence.

Glad to hear about the op @WendyWagon. Rest up and mend well.

Thank you for all the supportive messages sent my way; I am really grateful. I appreciate each and every one of you. It's nice to see some lovely new members too. This is one of my most valued spaces on MN, if not the actual internet. I've tried AA and had much support from an NHS support group called Inclusion, which I was referred to by the NHS. But this is my favourite place for helpful solidarity, advice and friendship.

It's interesting about the alcohol/heroin thing. I think @Itsrainingten is right about it being easier to avoid. Booze is pressed upon you at almost every interval, even at work sometimes. Yet if you went to a social event or a mate's house and said you didn't use heroin, it's highly unlikely there'll be a bunch of people going "Oh go on - just a small one." "I'll fill a small syringe and you can just have a bit". In other ways too - I am relatively lucky in that no-one who saw me would ever guess that I once had a world-beating alcohol problem (well, I still do, I just don't feed the beast anymore) - I should not be alive and I do not revel in the fact that it's left no physical trace externally. But at Inclusion there were people with drug problems as well and you could instantly tell who was on heroin. Especially those who smoked it, because you'd see the square gap in their teeth every time they open their mouths where the heroin destroyed their front upper and lower teeth.

I like @ShyMaryEllen's friend's idea of the jewellery. And I don't think it's pointless putting a password on your spreadsheet. I quite like the idea of a tracking spreadsheet. I live for spreadsheets at work.

Strength and love to all. x

hello. horrendous drunken night last night - been drinking far too much far too long and recently realising aged 55 i have no control. i need to stop but it needs to stick snd i can’t do it on my own. hoping logging here will help

Hello @ponzusoup onwards and upwards. Day 1 of the rest of your life. You can do this 🙂

thank you. haven't not drank on a saturday night for years!