It's day 1! Anyone else?

[Thepeppapigfanclub]

I'm 45. I've been drinking a bottle/bottle and a half a night for as long as I can remember with the odd dry January/ Stoptober along the way - but I always end up back on the wine again.

I'm a parent to a 13 year old and the shame that comes with this is crippling. It's not good and I know I HAVE GOT to stop. I am sick of the self-loathing, the fear, the anxiety and the money down the drain. Most of all, I'm worried about shuffling of this mortal coil leaving my child before I should.

So it's day one (again) for me. I just wondered if anybody else has picked this as their day one too for some support.

Any tips for the first week?

Many thanks - there's some seriously inspirational people on here reading some of the other threads - I'm in awe of all of those who've made it to six months, a year and beyond. It feels beyond my grasp.

I feel like crying now. I hold so much resentment towards my parents and I worry every day about doing the same to my children because it’s all I was shown as a child.

How old are your dc @mamaghina?

Oh, my last post may have atted to someone with a similar name.

@MamaGhina I've now read your last post. How that resonates and I wonder how old your children are? I'm 63 and my epitaph will be "she tried to please her mother".

Will catch up properly later.

@MamaGhina I can really empathise with your last few posts about not feeling good enough and wanting to break that cycle for your children. You might find doing some "inner child" work really useful. I have done a bit ... it is quite emotional and intense, but quite powerful. Simon Chapple who is also an alcohol free coach has a good book on it with step by step work.

I also have a sober insta and I follow the holistic psychologist, you might really like her work too. But big hugs too because I know how hard it is and how difficult it can be to pull yourself out when your negative inner critic is following you around berating you.

@excitedemmi wow that sounds like you have some real support there. Please let us know how you are getting on.

@yodel the visual side is really appealing but I would feel really exposed if others were to see my "vision board" as it were. Do you know a good way of doing this privately please, so it's not all there on the wall for others to gawp at?!

Welcome new joiners, and how are you @Thepeppapigfanclub ?

Plans for the weekend - out for a meal tonight but have known it was coming for a few weeks so at peace with not drinking. Have offered to drive as the rain is wild! Got lots of jobs to do over the weekend which will keep me busy and taking kids out to a kid event Saturday night which isn't a place I associate with alcohol so should be all good I think. Next weekend more of a challenge...

@Steppered Yes you can do your vision boards in secret on Pinterest. I know what you mean. It might make you cringe other people seeing your personal visions like that. You might also get people crabbing you and trying to keep you down.

@MamaGhina oh my. My mother is the bain of my life. She lacks empathy and only cares about her own image. I'm pretty certain she is a sociopath with a split personality. I've gone through a lot of grief for the mother I never got. 💔 . I spent a good 35 years trying to make her happy. But quite frankly I've got to the my future is mine, not yours, back off you psycho stage! Sort your own issues out. I'm here for me now. If you got her side of the story though she would say what an ungrateful little madam I am who doesn't appreciate everything she has done for me. I'm just done, so done with her.

Thank you for sharing your own experiences and it’s comforting that I’m not alone in this struggle. My parents were the sort who if I came home with a B grade they would be asking me why I didn’t get an A. That sums up their attitude to everything I achieved.

My kids are under 10 and I constantly worry about how they will feel about their childhood. Probably because I spend some much energy being angry about mine.

When I asked my parents for help leaving my abusive husband they told me I made my own bed. That’s despite having their full support when I married him. That was a real turning point in both my life and my relationship with them. There was one time when he had attacked me and I was on the floor and he called them in a panic because he had gone too far. They came, picked me up and put me on the sofa. I begged them to let me come back home and they said no.

It’s really painful to write that. I just can’t ever admit it to people in real life because there’s still so much shame and shock at how awful they truly were. Despite the fact it was years ago now, it still feels raw. I just can’t ever imagine treating my children like that. I tell them all the time that I’ll always be there for them and I massively overcompensate. Then I worry that I’ve spoiled them and they’ll grow up into awful adults and it will be my fault.

Thanks for the recommendation @Steppered, I’ll take a look once I am finished with alcohol explained.

I’m also driving tonight as a way of avoiding temptation.

Was just thinking maybe I need some screaming therapy 🤣 you know when you climb a mountain and when you get to the top you just scream into the wind. I’m laughing writing this because I think it would be more beneficial than anything the nhs can offer.

@MamaGhina i think the reason a lot of people turn to alcohol is because of their parents. You're coming to terms with it and breaking the cycle. Carry on reading the right books and doing the internal work with the right people. It won't happen over night. I just said on another thread, life is an art. I think that is so true.

If you have not been the parent you wanted to be in the past, you can explain that to your children. A lot can be resolved with an honest conversation and an apology and a resolve to do better. Your children will respect that and you can repair the relationship. I've accepted my parents are never going to get to that stage, it is beyond their capacity. Now it is their loss. They think violence is an acceptable way to bring up kids, I don't, but according to them they are right and I am wrong. I'm just leaving them where they are.

Totally done that. Both me and my sister. It helps I promise you that.

@MamaGhina all I will say is that from the age of about 11, my dd refused to go to my mother's for a few days in the holidays. At 12 she blurted out, "mum, she's awful, she never stops pick, pick, picking and criticising and everything's on her terms, everything's a show". I think I said something like "no darling, she's OK, it's my fault, I've never been the perfect daughter she wanted". DD just said "there's nothing wrong with you, it's her". It took a 12 year old to see it.

Your children won't see you how you fear, they are more likely to see you as the person who has loved and nurtured them.

DD has had some issues, she's 25 now. She has struggled with anxiety and depression and was diagnosed with ADHD at 17. There have also been some eating issues. She's fine now, medicated, manages herself well, teaching 6'2" difficult boys English. We are very close. I survived my mother because I am as tough as old boots, she would ha e destroyed dd.

Ì worked through a lot of it on The Stately Homes threads. It might be worth hopping over there. There are some very supportive, knowledgeable and helpful posters over there.

I have decided, we are the BEST thread on mumsnet. So supportive with posters genuinely wanting to see each other succeed.

I’m sorry, this is awfully sad and I can see why screaming off a mountain top would be needed.

I’ve seen plenty of people unconsciously emulate their mothers but believe me, they are not the ones who are constantly worrying about it. You sound like you are working so hard to ensure it doesn’t happen.

Hey everyone! I hope you are all ok!

Sorry I haven't been around the last few days. It's been a shocking week with several school evening events and have felt awful with this cold and the emotional hangover of last weekend.

I've only have a quick scan and will read in more detail because your posts are so considered and as we go on we can begin to see the depths of what we are really dealing with - not just the not drinking. Are all 'drinkers' doing it to in some way deal with the traumas - which so far looks pretty common. So sorry @MamaGhina to hear about your mother and DV. I can very much relate, although my mother brings different issues...

I'm dry still but honestly only just. I've been drinking to cope with all the traumas, and there's been a lot. I feel like counting 'sober days' feels like I'm just wishing my life away. I know it's for the greater good but the rewards aren't really happening fast enough for my liking. I haven't lost weight. I don't look better... Of course there are benefits, but I'm finding digging deep for the patience to do this long term bloody hard if I'm honest. I thought I'd be feeling better by now and I'm not.

Still, it is the weekend! I genuinely hope you all have a great one. (Will read all your posts in more detail later).

Phew, good to see you @Thepeppapigfanclub . I was worried about you.

Wednesday, 18th October will be my 100th day. I wandered around the drinks counters in M&S this afternoon and pounced on a premade bottle of 0% G&T. I was looking forward to it. It's vile.

Weight loss has stalled. Appointment with an endocrinologist/physician tomorrow to go through my illnesses and drugs and getting them titrated so the impact on stuff like cholesterol and osteoporosis is minimised.

Also pleased to see you @Thepeppapigfanclub and also to hear from others. But sorry to hear people are struggling so much. I cannot add anything as not an experience I have had but there are some very wise posters here with some very wise words.

I am celebrating 40 days dry today with an orange squash and a 0% wine. Cheers all.

Congratulations @BoilingHotand50something on 40 days dry. That’s a fantastic achievement.

There are so many thoughtful and inspiring posters on this thread. Sending good wishes to all.

Checking in dry 👍 Quick post before bed. I’m feeling better emotionally.
I know what you mean about ‘only just’ @Thepeppapigfanclub, I honestly thought the temptation to drink would have disappeared by now but sadly not. Even tonight I was the designated driver so I didn’t have to worry about the temptation but the minute I get home I start thinking about it. Hence the need to just head to bed.

Good morning. May I join you please? I’ve binge read this thread and so much that many of you say resonate so much.
I have known for 15 years that alcohol (wine) could be a problem for me but managed to keep it under control (or maybe just prolong the agony) through periods of abstinence - never more than 40 days, a pregnancy and moderation because I committed everything to something else like running, but that in itself became a problem.

Anyway, things have spiralled over the last year, increasing volume (1-1.5 bottles almost every night), sneaky behaviour, increased anxiety so not dealing with ‘life’, prioritising alcohol.

This week, my husband finally told me how worried he is for my health, our relationship and our child. I am genuinely grateful to him, I’ve known that something needed to change but couldn’t do it on my own. I have his full support, despite my embarrassment that I need it. However, he doesn’t drink because he just doesn’t like alcohol so he did drift in to, ‘ you just need to cut down, just stop drinking in the week, have one and put the rest in the fridge for another day’. He also said that he doesn’t see why I need podcasts/Quitlit - I know how damaging alcohol is. I’ve told him that he and I are very different and I need to do what I need to do, I think that is to find my ‘tribe’ - I hope you can all provide the support in hearing my concerns in a way that he can’t - not because he doesn’t want to but he is a dial type person, I am a switch type person. He just doesn’t get it - he knows that and is going to support me in other ways.

Thanks so much for all you have given me already. Here is to my day 3!

Welcome @MissSmith80. There's lots of support here. Loving the switch/dial analogy.

You are very welcome Miss Smith!
It was nice taking the kids out this morning hangover free. I live in one of those places where you can’t leave the house without seeing someone you know. I really feel like I can hold my head up high on the days I’m not drinking.
Sending you all strong vibes for the weekend!

Welcome @MissSmith80 . I related with your post so much. Knowing alcohol was a problem for a similar length of time. Almost since I started with it! And now a bottle to a bottle and a half of wine with sneaky behaviour and prioritising it. I also had a close family member say something to me recently, which I am grateful for, but also ashamed.

Love the dial/switch analogy.

Day 21 going strong. So productive today! Is this lack of wine related? Yes; yes it is.

@MamaGhina go get it with your hangover free mornings! And holding your head up high.

I had my AF bottles fall over in my trolley yesterday, clinking away. Clink away!! No shame.

Thank you for the welcome, it really is so reassuring to have found you all.
As I said, I have abstained before but I've listened to the Sober Stories podcast today and realise that I've got more to do than, 'put down the glass'. I've got some work to do to find my self.

On the dial/switch thing - I don't know how I came to be married to someone who can open a packet of digestives, eat 2 and put the rest back! I can't fathom how he does it but then that is why he can't understand why I can't just moderate.

Hi @MissSmith80 welcome. I would really recommend ALL the quit lit. I read it for 2 months solid before I kicked off and it really helped me get into the right mindset and then to understand all the bits and the feelings that turned up as I went. It also really reinforced the need for it to me and as I think someone said upthread, there’s a touch of a Jeremy Kyle about some of it and a touch of, you know what, it’s not that much further you know… (plus all the science ones which explain exactly what is happening and why).

Welcome miss smith I am also quite new here and everyone has been really supportive and lovely
still af don’t miss the morning hang anxiety but that has been replaced with insomnia general anxiety and constipation but I guess it’s still early days for me