The continuing support thread for living alcohol-free. Everyone welcome.

[Blackberryblossom]

Hello and welcome to the alcohol free support thread. Many thanks to @wendywagon for holding the reins on the last thread, and to drybird for starting the original thread about 3 years ago.
We’re a broad community who have all chosen to live alcohol free for good. There’s support here whatever your stage on that journey. Whatever you’re going through, someone here will have gone through it too. Don’t be shy about posting, we love all the successes of whatever shape and size, and have all been there too when things get challenging.
Thank you too @rep22 @onewildandpreciouslife for offering to back up host too. I thought there was someone else but I can’t find the post.

@Kate489 i saw a really interesting Josh Widdicombe clip yesterday where he said “It doesn’t matter how much you drink, it’s how you drink that’s the important thing”. Good idea on the Sober October.

Sorry to hear the weekend is grim @Crunchymum

Thanks for asking after me. I had vulval cancer a few years ago, and am monitored very regularly by a variety of consultants. My gynaecologist saw me a month ago and said everything was fine, but my dermatologist spotted a couple of suspicious areas last week. So it’s possible she saw old scar tissue (I’ve had 4 lots of surgery so there’s a lot!). If it isn’t, that probably means more surgery, which isn’t the end of the world but is bloody annoying. Think I need to chase up the gynaecologist to get him to have another look 🙈

Glad you dermatologist is on top of things @Onewildandpreciouslife

I do remember you mentioning your diagnosis before (we all cheer when you post about having a clear check-up) but I didn't want to assume it was related to that.

I hope it doesn't involve more surgery but I know you just do what you need do to keep yourself well. And being AF must now be a big part of that.

Ironically a long term chronic condition (psoriatic arthritis, diagnosed in 2018) led me to drink more! I'm on a medication you aren't supposed to drink alcohol with so I was missing medication / winging it. I have regular liver function tests and as they always came back fine, I told myself I wasn't doing any damage. So glad I've stepped away from that black hole. ⚫️

@Crunchymum thanks
I don't feel derailed. It seems like it might be a never ending mystery as to why I bother with these blips in the first place. It's definitely a data point.

My dp and hence our relationship is pretty alcohol focused - so that's tricky. He's a lot better than he used to be because he has brain damage and so it really affects him now. We're off on holiday and he's taking a bottle of rum. I'm pretty cross with him about that and I've told him he's on his own with it - plus there's no hospital nearby if he has a seizure. But in reality of course I will help him. He doesn't see how it puts me on edge.

@WendyWagon re men. Honestly, I've had enough of it! But my neuro disorder is definitely making me less tolerant. That's another post though.

Well lads they have named me 'she who wears Prada' (I don't actually, I like Max Mara). I think I'm nicer than that but I did shop Toxic Tom. When I lost my job at the coastal based company the big cheese said I hadn't reported my bullying colleague. I hadn't because I thought it was dealt with. I have a shit hot HR director and she has documented everything. I have even talked to my DH about it. I had never done that before, the bottle and I coped until we didn't.
I think someone times I like dogs better than people.
Yorkshire pud to make folks.

Morning all! Just a quick post as @Kate489 struck a chord with me.

kind of feel like I want a drink to end my run as otherwise what's going to happen? I just never drink again? I'm certainly struggling to adapt and figure out what I want and need.

It's hard Kate, I found that my daily drinking was holding all the thoughts at bay, and when I stopped drinking they all piled in. Never is such a hard word too. I found it easier to stop drinking a day at a time, and find the relief in no more fuzzy heads, broken nights and awkward apologies. If there's a sport or hobby that you've ever wanted to try or return to, now is a good time. Keep on posting. X

Hello! I just wanted to pop in, I have been successfully not drinking and not even thinking about it anymore. Which is great! I have found that a lot of my friends have also been switching to alcohol free drinks. It seems to be a thing at the moment?

Yes, people keep saying to me that I should have a glass to celebrate special occasions, but in all honesty, I think to myself, why? What does it achieve?

DH has stuck to not drinking in the house. But he has been out twice, (in six weeks c had some alcohol and felt awful the next day. He is happy with that. And I am more confident saying to people that I don't drink alcohol.

I am just hoping that this lasts and I can pluck il the courage to keep it going.

Am going to read and catch up on how you are all doing now x

Morning all.
Up early but going to have to wfh due to a poorly tum.
I agree that 'never' to drinking again is a real headspace thing. I don't want the life I had so it's one day at a time.
Toxic wasn't in yesterday. Hoorah. Different vibe.
@Onewildandpreciouslife i hope all is well.

I also can’t think forever so for now I will just think today. Have a good day all

Just to add my tuppence worth on the whole "never" drinking again.

I only got to that point when I got there (which probably makes zero sense) but essentially I had to live this experience to know what I truly need for my own sanity and peace of mind - and that is to never drink again.

I had to do the painful early days and I had to go through all the firsts (first sober birthday / holiday / Xmas etc), I had to sit with the feelings I used alcohol to bury and realise that whilst they can be painful and uncomfortable these feelings pass. I had to realise that I value the equilibrium and relative calm being AF brings me.

I couldn't have told you I'd never drink again when I joined these threads at 40 days or at 100 days. But now I'm heading towards 600 days I can say I will never drink again. I value my sobriety more than anything else as my whole life is now built on it.

I asked myself recently if there ever any reason I'd drink again and there isn't (deadly meteor hurtling towards Earth would give me pause for thought I must admit!! but unless I had time to go out and get my fave wine then I'd not bother)

Hi everyone, just checking in. Still sober, and my Try Dry app tells me I have saved around £1500 so far this year.

I have had some difficult conversations with DS (23) recently about the adverse effects drinking is having on his fragile mental health. He doesn’t want to hear it, but he knows.

All I can do is be here to support him but it’s hard when you’re having the same conversation every couple of weeks. I’m actually terrified he might get low enough to kill himself, but I can’t make him see a doctor or therapist (have offered to pay). It’s hard going at the moment, but I am not drinking.

@rothbury i am so sorry your son is low. We had some issues in the family a few years ago. Self harm is so hard to police and support. Does your son work?

Thanks Wendy. Yes he works and has had one session with the company MH guru who suggested he might have a form of Bipolar. I suspect he has ADHD but it could be bipolar I guess.

He is incredibly intelligent and sensitive. He’s too fragile for this world, is full of existential dread about the futility of life as a young man in todays Britain. He can barely afford to eat once he’s paid his London rent and bills, despite having an Oxbridge Masters. It’s so shit now for young people.

I think things will improve once his current tenancy ends, but his binge drinking is out of control. I just realised, typing this, that the binge drinking is why he can only afford to eat soup!!

Kids eh?

@rothbury if they take anti depression meds they can't drink. I have a bipolar niece and I suspect my mother was too.
Will he try some meds?
My niece was so much better. Life is hard for all these days. So much pressure. My son as you know has just come home to save money. He's a hugely positive person. My DD not so self confident. Could you son come home and do hybrid working? A year back with you to reset. Mother's cooking and all that. I had a shit day yesterday but I went to bed not via the corner shop. I feel better today. Thinking of you x

Thanks Wendy. He’s adamant he won’t take meds as he “won’t be himself “ so that is frustrating.

I would happily have him home, but as I had to sell the family home in divorce, I now live in a tiny one bed cottage. I can give him my bedroom and sleep on sofabed, but it’s not ideal. We managed quite happily in lockdown though.

Am seeing him today as working in London. Will try not to get sidetracked by it all.

Well done everyone who is staying dry in these difficult times.

@WendyWagon sorry for your shot day but another win in swerving the corner shop.

@rothbury he's self medicating with alcohol isn't he, instead of trialling actual medication. It must be such a worry.

I completely sympathise. It's horrible when your mind wanders to the possibility of the worst possible outcomes. I had an extreme situation with my kids and I often had to shut out those possible outcomes. I think we are on slightly firmer ground but we are not out of the woods. The whole family is changed by it too.

Oh I am on holiday in Cornwall. A sober holiday is bloody joyful! What a revelation!

I haven't seen the sea this year. I need a bit of sea air.
It is such a sadness how many people have ill children. A lot of it is not fit for purpose schooling. If I was PM I would let all kids dress how they like and choose what they want to learn after English and maths. If I ever become super rich I am opening a concept school. First lesson of the day, kindness.

Hello everyone, I have dithered about joining this thread but am taking the plunge!

I have always been a weekend binge drinker but since lockdown and WFH it has spiralled out of control. I drink every day. I start at 4pm and get through 1 to 2 bottles of wine a night. I tell myself as long as I get to bed at 9pm I will be fine, but of course that's the Wine Witch talking. In the past few months, I have begun to have hand tremors every day. (I don't even need to add that that is on top of the terrible sleep, dehydration, mind fog, nausea, crippling hangxiety etc.) This physical symptom has been a wake up call for me. I am paranoid about meeting people in case they notice it.
I have tried so so many times to moderate and I end up being worse so I am facing up to the reality that I need to go AF permanently.
I am on Day 3. The refreshed feeling I have had on waking the past 2 mornings is out of this world and I am hanging on to that! I am already feeling less bloated and jaded and much, much more productive in work and home-life stuff.
I have been writing down random thoughts and feelings which is really helping, in particular, making a list of "what I think alcohol does for me versus what it actually does". I have romanticised wine - built up associations of it being "cosy" and "relaxing" but that is simply not compatible with the reality that I am a nervous, agitated, nail-biting wreck!
I have not set myself any goals. I am just doing one day at a time.

I love reading all your supportive messages and advice to each other, and it is wonderful to know there are other people out there who understand.

I am so angry that we are made to feel like we are the problem because we can't drink "normally". Like we are flawed. I read recently a quote that given time and the right circumstances, alcohol is 100% addictive. Anyone who drinks is just at different stages on the path to that addiction.

Sorry this was so long!

@helenahandcart78 welcome. Most on here were 1-2 bottle a night girls. It is great to wake up without a hangover. You get so much more done.
I never had hand shakes but I had leg pains which is very dangerous.
However I do remember certain events where I was clearly in a bad way from the night before.
Drink lots of water and think about some supplements. I eat fish most days so get lots of vits. I am 20 months in and I never want to moderate. I would be making a chart for drinking days! Everything improves, skin, hair and I found my self confidence. I was always worried someone would find out I drink. Now I think I don't have to manage my intake. Good luck.

Sorry for further rambling. Now I feel I'm speaking to others rather than just myself, I have the urge to spill everything out! Some other lists I have been making (I am a great one for lists):

How I facilitate my drinking e.g. rushing through the daily tasks to ensure I have everything done for 4pm so I can dive into the bottle without interruptions, or refusing to make plans with anyone for after 4pm. If I really have to go out, I pre-load if at all possible.

How I justify my drinking to myself e.g. ooh it's a sunny day, a lovely chilled bottle of rose in the garden will be just the ticket, or it's dark and stormy outside, a lovely bottle of red would be so cosy while listening to the wind and rain. This last one is particularly agitating me today.

What I have stopped doing that I used to enjoy e.g. clothes and style, reading books, doing jigsaws, listening to audiobooks and history podcasts. I have been dipping back into all of these things in the past few weeks. Unconsciously gearing myself up for this I think.

I am so angry at myself for all the self-deception and denial. I am not a stupid person in other area of my life. How have I come to this??

One other thing I have been thinking a lot about, and wondered if it resonated. I suspect my feelings of shame and guilt have been holding me back. I can't admit it to myself, therefore I can't admit it to others, therefore I don't have to actually have to face up to the problem and commit to change. I am considering just being open with everyone from the outset. There is little doubt my close family know and worry about me, and I think my friends know my boozing is "different" to theirs, so I'm not sure it will be much of a revelation to anyone. But I worry that I'll then fail and the shame will be even worse. How could I face them all then?

Thank you! Yes, going to look into vitamin B. The tremor is definitely easing. I really hope it has been my "rock bottom" as there have been plenty of other lows which haven't seemed to hit home.

I am drinking lots of de-caff tea and have also had a tonic with ice and lemon the last 2 nights while making dinner, which was surprisingly satisfying. Making dinner is a big trigger for me. But then even the weather and watching TV are triggers for me!

Welcome @helenahandcart78 ! As regards how you approach telling other people, you could simply tell them you’re doing Sober October (and say you thought you’d start early if asked). That takes the fear of “failure” away because you’re not committing to “forever”, you’re just trying something out. (I did Dry January, drank a bit, then did Sober Spring (March to June) and just kept going.)

post as much as you need to, especially in the early days.

Thanks - I suspect you'll be reading my witterings quite a bit for the next few weeks!
I have already told my friends I'm doing sober October but it was all kept very lighthearted. In fact, we had been planning a night out which was why I told them, and they immediately said we'll make it an alcohol free night then - cinema or bowling or something. I was very touched by that!
I'll possibly leave the issue alone - now is not the time for rash decisions!

Welcome @helenahandcart78

What you write resonates so very deeply with me.

I had a few different rules - I never daytime drank, but would rush through any daytime events to be home for opening up time which was never later than 7pm, earlier on the weekend and I never used to pre-load but I always used to drink more than anyone else when I was out! I'd have a glass of wine or two whilst everyone else had dessert etc. Suffice to say it was exhausting.

I had periods of abstinence (always did Dry Jan) and I could have periods of moderation (Saturday and Sunday drinking only) but it always crept up and I always drank more not less.

Towards the end I was on a 1.5 bottles on a weekday and 2 bottles at weekends. I actually do not know how I functioned. I cannot bare to think of it now and the worst thing is I wasn't even a mess - at least not outwardly.

Wine was a friend, a comfort, a luxury, a reward, a crutch, a solution, a help and it was the biggest part of my life for the last year or so. But it had been getting out of hand for ages.

Thankfully I wasn't showing any physical signs but I remember reading something along the lines of **"I didn't drink in the mornings until I did" / "I didn't have the shakes until I did" and it stopped me in my tracks. I knew I was only heading in one direction and I had to stop.

The good news is, it can be done. I loved drinking and never, ever thought I could be a non drinker let alone a happy and well balanced non drinker. Yet I'll soon be saying hello to 600 days AF and I would never ever go back.

My advice is try it, but promise to give yourself a true amount of time. I didn't join this group until day 42 (the longest I'd ever been without drinking whilst not pregnant of BF) and I don't think I stopped moaning until day 100? But by that point I started to see the new me emerging and my new sober life wasn't too shabby.

It's not a magical cure all, it didn't fix what drove me to drink to begin with and my life is still a bit more complicated than I would like it to be but removing the alcohol removed so much stress and guilt and anxiety and sadness.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

** I cannot remember the exact quote but someone else may know it.

Thanks very much for your thoughtful reply @Crunchymum. I so wish I could fast forward through the first 100 days!
I just feel so exhausted with it all and I want to be free from the permanent guilt and shame.
I have always described myself (and have been described) as "liking a drink haha hoho" and a "party girl" but I now actually dread going out at night because I make a fool of myself and feel so humiliated the next day. What was comical at 20 is pathetic at 46.
I know I will have huge wobbles at the wine-time part of the day and I think the reason I have failed before is because in a split second I go from feeling resolute to just saying f... it I deserve wine. Next thing I know the glass is poured and I'm away. So I'm going to be extra vigilant for that wobble and take myself off for 10 mins to read through this thread and my lists and just sit through the craving. Maybe that is what will make the difference this time.