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Alcohol support

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The continuing support thread for living alcohol-free. Everyone welcome.

982 replies

Blackberryblossom · 28/06/2023 16:29

Hello and welcome to the alcohol free support thread. Many thanks to @wendywagon for holding the reins on the last thread, and to drybird for starting the original thread about 3 years ago.
We’re a broad community who have all chosen to live alcohol free for good. There’s support here whatever your stage on that journey. Whatever you’re going through, someone here will have gone through it too. Don’t be shy about posting, we love all the successes of whatever shape and size, and have all been there too when things get challenging.
Thank you too @rep22 @onewildandpreciouslife for offering to back up host too. I thought there was someone else but I can’t find the post.

OP posts:
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WendyWagon · 17/09/2023 19:36

@Plodder23 hello, I do think teenagers know. However I suggest your husband is best placed to help. Get a week or so under your belt AF and then perhaps mention it. Say I am trying.
To my shame I ruined a decade of my children's lives. They were 13/17 at my worst although twenty months ago I knew I was killing myself. However I do remember drinking myself into a stuper when they were 3 & 7 and in sole charge. My family left me alone in the sitting room if I started drinking. So I drank more. The booze made me argumentative and slurry. My husband is a non drinker. That has helped. In the early days you may need the DH to join you. For me I couldn't admit my alcoholism until I was a year into my AF journey. This addiction is very hard to kick. We try everyday. Start with a day, week, month. You will feel great. Thirty days allows the body to recharge. Good luck and take any help going. X

Onewildandpreciouslife · 18/09/2023 08:15

Morning all.

Well done to everyone who got through the weekend sober!

Good luck back in the smoke @WendyWagon

TooOldForThisNonsense · 18/09/2023 09:06

Plodder23 · 17/09/2023 18:00

@TooOldForThisNonsense Hi. Did you manage to stop? Were your teenagers aware of what was going on? I sort of feel mine must be but I can't bear to discuss it with them. I think I'm trying to protect them but maybe I'm actually trying to protect myself.

Yes I did. I’m over 2 years sober now.

I was quite good at hiding my level of consumption but yes my H and kids knew I drank daily. My youngest was 12 nearly 13 when I stopped he is autistic and has no filter and he asked me if I was an alcoholic not long before I stopped

Blackberryblossom · 18/09/2023 09:35

How are you feeling today @rothbury ? I'm sorry about your job too, the uncertainty must be unpleasant. I admire your attitude though.

Hello and welcome @Plodder23 . You can do this. My dd was 12, nearly 13 when I stopped drinking, she's 15 now. I told her that I wasn't happy with my relationship with alcohol and wanted to change it. I love now that wherever she is, whatever the time or day, I can always drive to collect her if she needs it.

OP posts:
rothbury · 18/09/2023 10:07

I feel bloody dreadful! Much worse than the previous two times I’ve had covid.

I’ve had to call in sick, which is just what you want when you’re having to fight to keep your bloody job!

Grrr. Can’t be helped, and at least I am not drinking. It reminds me of being ill when I drank, and being really cross/worried that I might be too sick to drink. Invariably I managed at least a glass or two…

REP22 · 18/09/2023 10:18

@rothbury I am so sorry. Sending you all the very best and I hope things turn out OK for you. xx

@Plodder23 greetings! Glad you have found your way to us and best wishes for your journey. It won't always be easy but it WILL always be worth it. I have found the books "The Sober Diaries" by Clare Pooley and "The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober" by Catherine Gray incredibly helpful. And the lovely people on here, of course.

Strength and love to all. x

Crunchymum · 18/09/2023 11:26

Sending "get well vibes" to all those needing them. Welcome aboard to anyone just joining us - it's a tough old journey but I'd honestly never, ever go back now. I'm about 19 months in and it did take a while but I'd say by about 90 / 100 days AF I knew I was never going back.

@WendyWagon as per you name hop back on the wagon my friend.

My kids are smaller (oldest is almost 11) so I am hoping they never really remember me as a drinker. I hid it well, nothing disastrous ever happened but I used to speed through the day to get to "wine o'clock" so often I wasn't totally present. Now I am.

Fortheloveofgodwhy · 18/09/2023 16:14

Hello all you amazing people.. Wendy that sounds like quite the first week.. glad it has all been acknowledged at work. I hope this week is better. Pump up the tyres and keep on keeping on.

Roth, i hope you feel better soon.

Plodders, well we all have the shame, especially in the early days, I agree with the get a week or two under you belt, by which time your DH might recognise that you are making the effort. My kids are 12, 14, 16 and i am about 20 months sober, they only ever talk about one night when they had to hide the wine, it was NYE... and about 5 weeks before i quit. I'm not sure they ever saw my drinking is an issue, I am not sure anyone else did. Only i knew what happened in my own head and like crunchy i raced through the day to get to the pop and pour.

Life is much much better now.

Blackberryblossom · 18/09/2023 20:04

Today I bought an alcohol-free Christmas pudding. I am learning from last year’s disappointment. This Christmas I shall be ready. Next up is finding an AF Christmas cake, I shall make one if necessary.

Poor you Rothbury take it easy and get well before you try tackling anything else.

How was your Monday back in the officeWendy?

OP posts:
eekwhatnow · 18/09/2023 22:07

Hello, thanks for this thread! It's very inspirational! I gave up drinking 3 weeks ago (a bottle nearly every night) and whilst I have surprised myself by enjoying the first few weeks my skin is awful. Truly awful. Is this normal? Will it get better? My sleep is pretty bad too! I'm hoping this will be a permanent change for me as I've been unhappy for a long time.

Onewildandpreciouslife · 19/09/2023 06:53

Morning all.

Welcome @eekwhatnow and congratulations on getting to 3 weeks! I found the sleep thing really hard initially, but it does come through in the end. I don’t have experience on the skin problems, although your body is going through a huge detox so it’s perhaps not surprising.

Plodder23 · 19/09/2023 08:05

Morning all. Well, I’ve made it to day 3. Now entering the danger zone as in the past I’ve somehow persuaded myself that the fact I can go for a few days without alcohol means I clearly don’t have a problem! Going to try to avoid that twisted thinking this time.

Sleep has been interrupted and sweaty
but still overall somehow more restful than just passing out for a few hours. I managed an exercise class yesterday and DH is thawing a little towards me I think. Onwards and upwards.

@eekwhatnow too soon for me to comment on the skin thing but I’ll watch out for it. Congratulations on three weeks!

rothbury · 19/09/2023 09:56

To the newbies, it took about three bloody weeks for my sleep to reset. In that time I regularly had nights where I actually didn’t sleep a wink.

This thread, and the quitlit kept me going. I didn’t want to start drinking again just so I could sleep. In a way it made me realise how dependent on alcohol I had become.

I very rarely even think about booze now. It’s similar to how I feel as an ex smoker. I’m so glad I don’t have to do that anymore.

REP22 · 19/09/2023 10:59

Hello @Plodder23 and @eekwhatnow congratulations on making it to Day and Week three. That's brilliant, on both counts. Don't underestimate the strength and bravery it has taken to get you here.

The skin does get better in time. I used to have to take medication for rosacea (not solely caused by drinking, but it certainly didn't help.) but - touch wood (no wood present, so the dog's head will have to suffice) - I haven't had a flare-up in many months. It may take a while - your body is getting rid of the poisons and reasserting itself, but it will come. Clare Pooley talks about the skin improvements in her book 'The Sober Diaries'.

Similarly with the sleep. I have had trouble sleeping for various reasons (terrible nightmares and flashbacks mostly) and was genuinely frightened at the prospect of going to bed/sleep without drinking. In fact, most of my problem drinking was done at night, with the self-justification that it was "self-medicating"/helping me to sleep. Then it got to a point where I was getting in from work and going straight to bed so I could drink. And downhill from there. I'll not lie - it was NOT easy to begin with. I found hot chocolate or chocolate milkshake at bedtime very comforting. But again, it did get easier. It is so very worth it. I have had counselling separately for the reasons behind my troubled sleep, but the ability to enjoy an unhindered, trouble-free sober sleep has been revelatory. And the appreciation of waking up sober, no hint of hangover/booze fog, fresh and alert (and without having to trawl through social media/texts to find out what the catting cat I posted/sent whilst drunk and undertake emergency-deletions/damage-limitation) is and remains even now a precious feeling that should not be underestimated.

@Blackberryblossom top stuff on hunting down an AF Chrimble pud. That's a prize worth having. Not sure about an AF cake; I think M&S might do one. My mum has always made the cake from the good ol' Hamlyn All Colour Cookbook from the 1970s (an early Mary Berry, before Paul Hollywood got at her). It does call for 2 tablespoons of brandy to pour in, but mum has always left that out. I found the recipe online, 'yer 'tiz: Christmas Cake recipe - Berkshire Live (getreading.co.uk) (sorry about the dubious ads).

I have to be careful at Christmas. I'm allergic to nuts and am often proffered cake, pud 'n' treats by genial hosts which could kill me. Pre-Covid when we were always in the office, the bumper chocolate selection boxes would appear come the end of November. The little leaflet showing which chocs were which would inevitably go AWOL (I suspected the marketing bods). It was like playing Russian ~~~~ng Roulette. "Will this one kill me...? Ah, it's a pink wrapper; I'll pop it in..." Nothing like the frisson of death to enhance the chocolatey goodness and celebrate the birth of the Baby-J. 👯God bless us work-from-home rule everyone... ☃🎄😉

Strength and love to all. x

rothbury · 19/09/2023 12:07

Interesting posts about booze in food. It’s not something I have considered.

I have had a rum baba and coq au vin. I wouldn’t worry about a sherry trifle either. I just know it wouldn’t send me off into a spiral of wanting to drink, because I am not actually drinking it.

I think a liqueur chocolate would be pushing it too far though. I think I need to give this some more consideration.

drinktilisink · 19/09/2023 14:57

50 days today! I can't believe it.

Hope everyone is doing ok xx

Sweetleftfood · 19/09/2023 15:26

Hi I am new, 25 days sober and finding it hard! I have done all the work but my mind is not with it if you know what I mean? Mostly about work, so I drank at work, yep that is how bad it got and totally thought no one would notice it! Fail!! anyway I am currently on sick leave and I think work is going to dismiss me. They have been supportive to be fair but I really don't know what I am going to do if I loose it, I have been there for 20 years

I have been going to my council's drug and alcohol service and they have been brilliant, also going to AA meetings at the moment and have just got a sponsor.

If anyone is at my stage of their journey let me know because it's been awful so far. Yes I am sleeping (slightly better) I am eating (Slightly better) but my head and mental stage is awful, I am hoping this is going to get better too

drinktilisink · 19/09/2023 15:31

Sweetleftfood · 19/09/2023 15:26

Hi I am new, 25 days sober and finding it hard! I have done all the work but my mind is not with it if you know what I mean? Mostly about work, so I drank at work, yep that is how bad it got and totally thought no one would notice it! Fail!! anyway I am currently on sick leave and I think work is going to dismiss me. They have been supportive to be fair but I really don't know what I am going to do if I loose it, I have been there for 20 years

I have been going to my council's drug and alcohol service and they have been brilliant, also going to AA meetings at the moment and have just got a sponsor.

If anyone is at my stage of their journey let me know because it's been awful so far. Yes I am sleeping (slightly better) I am eating (Slightly better) but my head and mental stage is awful, I am hoping this is going to get better too

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Have you told work you're an alcoholic - disclosed it to them? If you haven't I might .... They may have support. What is their sick leave policy? Keep going until you're better.

If you want to leave anyway could you negotiate a settlement? I would seek advice.

drinktilisink · 19/09/2023 15:34

Also I should have said you are doing brilliantly! 25 days is not to be sniffed at xx

Sweetleftfood · 19/09/2023 16:32

Thank you so much! Yes I have told them but have had lots of conflicting advice, I do want to stay and so far they have been really supportive. I was asked to write a kind of recovery plan outlining sort of what I have done wrong and how my work has suffered and what I have done to get better and bla bla and when I told other people about this they were a bit shocked as it should be treated as an illnesslike any other illness like a mental health issue or even a broken leg and that I shouldn't have to spill my guts out like a share in AA. but in the end I have done it but stupidly told them about the advice I had been given so now they have gone cold on me. Telling me I can't contact anyone in my team, all communications has to go through HR and not use my work email, not contact anyone in my team.

Phew, we shall see, have sent off my sick note and my statement today.

Hope you are all doing ok! I have finally found a sponsor so I am really going to try this now. Going to a meeting tonight with a friend and ex-colleague so feeling slightly positive, whatever happens happens but can't lie. I could so do with a drink but done it today so far and will be going tomorrow morning for another meeting, which I need to drive to, so will definitely not have a drink so will do it will do it

Love to you all, so happy I found this thread by the way

drinktilisink · 19/09/2023 19:59

That sounds really tough. I guess they could technically discipline you if you've been drunk on the job. Keep going though. Having a drink now won't change anything with work - things can only improve x

Onewildandpreciouslife · 20/09/2023 08:17

Morning all.

Hope you’re doing ok @WendyWagon

congratulations on 50 days @drinktilisink ! Awesome achievement

Welcome @Sweetleftfood and well done on getting to 25 days. I hope you can find a way through this with your work. Alcohol is such a horrible downward ride - I hope you find the strength to get off it.

18 months sober today. I’m so grateful to have got out when I did.

Crunchymum · 20/09/2023 09:52

Happy 18 months @Onewildandpreciouslife

What a phenomenal achievement - long may it continue for you xx

REP22 · 20/09/2023 12:06

Top stuff @Onewildandpreciouslife congratulations on the 18 months! Brilliant.

Strength and love to all. x

Kate489 · 20/09/2023 16:27

Can I join please? Day 5 for me. Longest without a drink in many months.

I don't drink excessively volume wise, but I have been aware recently of the constant thoughts and need to have a drink most nights. Consumption generally 2 bottles of wine per week, but slowly increasing. I haven't always been a big drinker, and used to drink once a week at most, always socially. Now I prefer to drink alone once kids asleep and before dinner. It's my relaxing point of the day.

I started drinking in this way to cope with life over the past few years. I'm 40, have two kids under 5 and a wonderful DH. I am however really struggling to cope with my DM having dementia and the heartache and challenges that has brought over the last 6+ years.

I last had a drink on Friday, a sociable one for a change and less than a bottle of wine. On Saturday I told myself that would be me until Thursday to allow units to reset. Since then I have discovered this thread and have been shocked how many things have resonated with me. It's made me want to stop drinking instead of cutting back as I feel I am on a slippery slope that I don't want to be on.

Thank you for reading to the end if you heard me out. Really hope joining in will help. Name change as nobody in real life has a clue and I'm not ready for that to change yet.