I’m a disgrace

[2023forme]

Done it again. Was doing so well then 72 hours bender. Everyone hates me. I’m a mess

Get some help rather than trying to white knuckle it and then drown yourself in self-criticism and self-pity when you drink again.

Have you been to AA before? Someone asked, you didn't answer.

What have you tried before? Why don't you just log into an online AA or Smart recovery meeting today? What have you got to lose? What are you trying to avoid?

Put a smart meeting on in the background this evening with the cam and mic turned off. They always make me feel better.

Remember OP, your addiction isn't your fault but it is your responsibility.

Try club soda or over the influence

Biggest hugs. You are not a dick. You are not a bad person. Alcohol is addictive. You got addicted. That is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.

Treat yourself with love. You deserve to x

Are you feeling better this morning? X

how did it come about?

is today day 1 of a fresh start?

How are you doing today, OP?

Hi all - I’m back in the land of the living - only just. I’d dropped my phone down the back of the bed and only just found it.

I’ve tried a smart recovery meeting online but I didn’t gel with the people. For some pathetic reason I’ve always been resistant to AA after reading quit like a woman. But I think I will try anything. In fact I am going to look one up just now.

I feel dreadful physically and mentally and I’ve put my lovely family through hell. I’ve been here so many times. I’ve now lost a good friend as she can’t take any more.

I’m going to start taking the Antabuse again as that work before when I actually swallowed it instead of pretending and spitting it out.

I do appreciate both the kind words and the harsh words 😞

Op that’s great you’re going to give AA a go.
Try to have an open mind and look for the similarities rather than the differences between you and the others at the meeting.

So I’m here unable to sleep again owing to the post-bender anxiety and regret. But I did go to an online AA meeting yesterday. I’m not sure I agree with some of it (being allergic to alcohol for example) but it did help to be with others offering support who have also had horrendous experiences.

So I am going to stick with it and commit to an AF life. I still find that thought terrifying but the alternative for me has to be worse as I can’t go on like this. Everyone invariably says their life is so much better AF and most people say it gets easier - so here’s hoping.

It does get better and it's not always easy but it is always simple.
If I drink, my life goes to shit, I've proved it thousands of times in thousands of shitty ways.
Without drink, my life is a mixture of good and sometimes a bit shit, same as everyone else. Being sober allows me to cope with the shitty bits.
I hope I never drink again, I won't drink today and I'll put my energy into whatever I need to do to make that happen and I will hopefully do it all over again tomorrow.
You might not like the allergy analogy today, so don't focus on that for now. Concentrate on the bits of the meeting that you did gel with.
You can do it, millions of people like you and me do it every day.
I hope you start to feel better soon

Hi @2023forme keep going! Especially to the online AA meetings. You got this 💪x
My Dad and bil died of alcoholism and my DH went through recovery. As a person on the receiving end honestly i just want the person to get better, i have no judgment and do not think about the drunk behaviour.

Don’t look at the big picture, just take it one day (or hour if need be) at a time. Commit to one day at a time, say to yourself today I won’t drink.

Read lots of quit books, particularly ones aimed at women. Spend some of the money you would have bought booze with on nice things for yourself. A good book, nice smellies, fizzy AF drinks.

Change your evening routine. If you normally have your first drink at a particular time then alter your routine, go for a walk/jog, have a bath and brush your teeth, take up a new hobby. Anything so that the association with an activity and drinking is broken.

Be kind to yourself as self pity will increase your desire to drink to block out that negative voice in your head.

Don’t forget how crap you feel right now. Maybe keep a journal so you can look back when you are tempted to drink again and see what the consequences of binging are.

Good luck 💐

10 years sober here.

you can do it

read every book
listen to every oodcast
go to every meeting
get therapy
take the meds
go to groups
white knuckle it

tell EVERYONE you need help. They know and want you back.

everything about my life is better without it. The fears, the anxiety, the depression are all better for it

take care, one day at a time x

thanks again for the support. I do tend to over analyse things so as @Swallowdoubleandrunamile says, I am trying to not think in black and white terms. So I don’t agree it’s an allergy, but I am framing it as being like an allergy- it’s just something I cannot do as it will make me very ill.

@Summer2424 - thank you for the kind words. My husband is at his wit’s end with it all. I’ll be putting us both in an early grave if I don’t stop.

@Biscuitandacuppa - I tried hot yoga a few weeks back and it was bloody hard but I’m going to go a couple of evenings a week - I was spending a lot on booze so I’m not going to let the cost put me off. I really felt I wanted to treat my body well after it so I think going regularly will be a good thing.

@nzeire - 10 years wow! I just at this moment in time cannot imagine getting there but I know I need to. And one day at a time needs to be my new mantra.

Right - going back to bed and going to attempt some sleep!

Once my head cleared I was able to look at why I drank and the longer I didn't drink, the more I was able to process that hurt/pain/anger.
And that equation perpetuated itself, the distance between the two got wider and wider and one day, I was finally able to have some compassion for myself.
Of course, it takes time. I'd drank for 25 years, it took some untangling but in those early days I really threw myself into AA and the members kept me sane, kept me alive and kept me sober. And 12 years later, they still do.
I hope you've managed to sleep, and I hope you continue to post. It really does help to talk and be open about how you're feeling. Everything you've bottled up and all your emotions that you've pickled with alcohol needs to come out. Purging all that is necessary and liberating but it can be completely overwhelming, so you need support, especially from those who have been there.
Totally agree with the PP who said tell everyone you need help, and to read up on addiction and recovery.

Hope you got some sleep @2023forme . Well done for going to the AA meeting- maybe just take what you need from AA and ignore the stuff you don’t?

Sending strength. One day at a time x

@Onewildandpreciouslife I managed a few hours. Yah I think that will be my approach with AA. I think the crucial thing is for me to commit to it and attend meetings to affirm that commitment. I am thinking of going to a physical meeting in the future. We are going on holiday next week but with the Antabuse, I know I won’t drink. It will be tough but it just needs to be done. One day at a time.

is there alcoholism in the family.
Have you done any ADHD tests. People with ADHD seem to crave a dopamine bit more so are more likely to need alcohol, nicotine etc

My GP describes alcolism as self medicating - attitudes are changing.

Dopamine hit

Do give AA a proper go OP, it saved my life. Don't be nervous - everyone there has been a first timer and many of us turned up to our first meeting in a terrible physical and mental state - I know I did. I rocked up shaking and covered in sweat and full of shame and remorse. I got zero judgement and it will be the same for you. AA saved my life, I'm over a decade sober, I'd be dead by now otherwise.

The 'allergy' to alcohol is just a way of saying that as alcoholics we cannot take a drink without wanting more and more and getting drunk. Ignore 'Quit Like a Woman' - the author had a grudge with AA and she is not the poster girl for sobriety. Give AA a go - you don't have to accept everything they say, just view it as a tool to help you to an AF life.

A much better life is out there for you for the taking, I will be thinking of you x

I wish I could just let you know how amazing it is being sober…

also, once you are, you’ll find your people. We are everywhere :)

Give AA a go. I cannot tell you how transformative it has been for some of the closest people to me, and I have also used it at a time when I felt myself slipping into a place I didn't want to be.

Get into the rooms, do it online if you need to. There are some incredible groups out there and it WORKS.

One day at a time. Just for today, I can do something that would be intolerable if for a lifetime.

What worked for me was online community, quit lit, podcasts. I haven’t gone near an AA meeting. Their beliefs are not for me. I couldn’t manage 2 days without a drink and it’s not too long til I’ll be 2 years. You can do it.

Tomorrow is a new day. Start again. I've had many 'Day 1'. Don't beat yourself up.