The Freedom Thread (continued) - A thread for people wanting to enjoy an alcohol free life. Everyone welcome!

[BunniesBunniesBunnies]

This is a thread for people who want to live an alcohol free life! These threads were started about three years ago by @DryBird2020 and they have been a continued source of support for people at all stages of sobriety. Whether you are one day, one month or one year sober - You are welcome! The only thing we ask if that you have committed to stopping drinking when you join the thread (as talk to drinking or moderation may be triggering to some of our posters).

My name is @Bunnies and I am almost 1000 days sober, in no small part thanks to this amazing supportive community. I hope to see many new and old posters on this thread!

Happy sober 2023 all!

It sounds like you feel very duty bound to your friend @WendyWagon but healthy friendships shouldn't come with such expectations and conditions (it may be worth looking at whether you yourself set such expectations and conditions or does it come more from your friend?)

Ultimately friendships should be mutually beneficial and mutually satisfying.

And you should never mix business and friendship.

Don't let this lead you down that path. Don't let her have that power.

I guess I am seeking permission to be a shit or absolution

This stood out to me, Sav. While I'd been working with this difficult person (who had been a close friend) over the last few years, I can now see that a lot of what I was doing or thinking was looking for validation and feeling I had to prove myself in how I felt about her. I kept having to justify why I didn't want to be around her anymore. Once I wasn't in the fight or flight mode, i realised that it was me that counted. My feelings about it. I didn't need to explain or justify why I had had enough. (Although there was plenty to justify it). It was enough that I didn't want to put up with it anymore. I mattered. And if anyone felt I was unjustified or a shit then I'm afraid it is a case of so be it. Of course it turns out that most people keep a healthy distance from her anyway because of her behaviour, i am certainly not the first and I won't be the last.
If she is tramping all over your boundaries then you can walk away. You don't need anyone to give you absolution. You matter!

And yes, I have been in these style pf friendships my whole life. Where other people have walked away because I felt that they were human and made mistakes and had had hard times and deserved friendship. But, theres usually a reason folk walk away again and again. And its not your behaviour or any 'fault' of yours if you decide to create some healthy boundaries and stick to them.

Hope you feel better soon Sav buddy. As crunchymum says don't let this lead you down that path. Or maybe don't let her and her issues make you punish yourself with booze. You've got this. And we've got you. And it sounds like your dh is a wise man. Lean into his wisdom and care.

@Crunchymum

I have felt duty bound tbh. My friend is good fun and generous at times. The issue is I had a successful career and she didn't. We have known each other decades but at times she lived abroad. She has money and will inherit even more. However even though she is in her early 60s she wants to be the big business person to poke her ex in the eye. I have put many opportunities her way, included her in everything I can and really do want her to be successful. I have warned her many times about her manner and attitude, think flash Harry. It falls on deaf ears. She ultimately wants me to create a beauty brand for her and tbh I have my own ideas. I don't want to be her employee. I don't want a power struggle. Yesterday showed me that her reputation had the ability to tar me with the same brush. I told her and she didn't apologise. I think a dose of therapy might help me for six weeks!

@Breathmiller oh that sounds so similar.I had called time on the friendship five years ago. She 'love bombed' me into starting off a fresh. I have booked the therapy. I think I need it for 6 weeks.
I haven't heard from her today. Hopefully I will get a lot of my chest tomorrow.

@WendyWagon just catching up. sounds like you could have done with the chat today. so sorry but we will make up for it next week.
I echo what everyone else has said, and you have yourself explained she has had her own opportunities and you have given her opportunities too. Can you be completely honest with her and say that the current gig is not a going to happen with her on board, so it is without her or not at all and not at all is not the option you want to follow.
She can throw her proverbial toys out the pram, and lose you as a friend or she can suck it up. We don't all get all we want everytime.

And also give yourself a pat on the back, you have decided not to drink through this and that is an amazing thing. Well done x

@Fortheloveofgodwhy no booze! I am going to have a pint of milk shortly.
We don't always get what we want is a good point. The friend expects to. I don't tbh, I think in any business dealings there is a 50% chance of a retraction.
I do need a break from the drama.

Other name twas me@Fortheloveofgodwhy

I’m getting good at spotting your name changes 🤣

Morning all.

Headache seems to have shifted which is good. Not sure what caused it- was either menopause or infection I think because I felt quite congested too. It was interesting though because I was much more aware of my health whereas when drinking I would have had a drink to get rid of headache which obviously would have either immediately made it worse or I would have woken with a full blown migraine.

Sorry to read about your difficulties @WendyWagon, imo you should be making sure that you are ok. You are not responsible for your friend's actions and behaviour.

Have a good day all

Morning all. Good sleep so feeling better. Neither the dh or dog woke me up. Bloody amazed I didn't run to the shops! I didn't even have a Gordon's AF.
I dropped a note to the bff and said your circus, your monkeys. Sort yourself out or words to that effect. I also suggested she joined her other friend in owning a pub which she had been asked to do. Not one for me obviously! 😂
I am having a counselling session today, ad hoc. I have felt overwhelmed tbh. With my friends sudden passing and the house saga it was getting a bit much. It makes my RA go into overdrive. It's times like this you need your parents I think. Mine are not here anymore. I have always been the family fixer and I have no one playing that part for me.
I am the queen of reinvention and I will get there. Just over a year ago I would have been waking with a horrendous hangover. I am glad to be sober and able to have the headspace to reflect.
I said a few months ago I miss the booze everyday. That feeling is fading and thank The Lord for that. Have a good day my friends.

Morning all
Sav - hoping you have some clarity about how to move forward with your friend and the work opportunity. It can be very draining dealing with other people’s drama and I’m sure your energy is better directed at your family and employment. You sound a loyal and supportive friend but do a quick stocktake on your boundaries to maintain your own safe limits.

@Kindtomyself good to hear your headache has eased, interesting that health niggles can be viewed differently when AF. You’ve reminded me of the feeling of increased agency about wellbeing over the last year or so.

Well done @WendyWagon
glad your headache is easing @Kindtomyself

@WendyWagon didn’t see your post before I sent mine - I’m glad you’ve sorted a session for today a great self care decision.

Be gentle with yourself, draw on the real life support you have and treat Sav as you so obviously treat others.

Hi all

Just checking in after a manic few work days. On the plus side, working till 9 pm certainly facilitates keeping AF! Catching up on the thread, what jumps out for me is the theme of seeking approval/validation, putting others needs first and letting our boundaries slip. It doesn't matter if its a weekend meet up, a possible holiday to Tenerife or a decision around a bff, they all have the power to rock us to our foundations.

It leaves me wondering why we feel so undeserving and so unimportant and why we allow our needs get so overlooked, our energy to depleted and our relationships to become unbalanced. I'm guessing these are magic wand questions but if anyone's therapist would care to answer them I'd be very grateful!!

Hugs to all. xx

Hello all.

Busy few days here too - I wrote a long reply this morning and lost it.

Hope the therapist was helpful @WendyWagon and @2023forme

It’s an interesting question @Stircrazyschoolmum . I think many of us evolved into “people pleasers” at quite a young age for various reasons, whether it was escaping the playground bullies or trying to get approval from someone whose love seemed conditional (or at the very least withheld). We were either too much, or not enough.

Alcohol enabled us to feel like we fit in, be the right size, so from late teens that was our way to escape those feelings. Alcohol wasn’t a problem until it was, and then we emerge from the other side, with all the old issues still in place.

Has anyone read Sunshine Warm Sober, Catherine Gray’s follow up to Unexpected Joy? Very good on asking for our needs to be met and setting healthy boundaries.

@Onewildandpreciouslife I was having virtually that exact conversation with my husband earlier today. That alcohol helped me to be less socially awkward, less needy and helped me make friends and fit in for pretty much the first time. I was a people pleaser, hyper vigilant and seeking approval due to the way I was parented (mostly from my mother). But alcohol is no longer my friend.

@Stircrazyschoolmum - spot on! This is so me. @Onewildandpreciouslife - I’ve only had one session but got a really good vibe and I’m very hopeful of it helping.

there was some discussion around what I see as normal that others wouldn’t. An example is one day I was walking home from school (age 12 ish) and I saw a girl from my school (didn’t know her well) sort of hunched over, leaning against a wall and crying. I just assumed she didn’t want to go home as home life was shit and her parents were probably drunk and arguing so I just walked on. Found out the next day she’d actually twisted her ankle really badly and couldn’t walk.

Another example - when DH was talking to me about my drinking and how I was ruining our lives, he said something along the lines of “I don’t deserve this, things like this don’t happen to me” (he’s had a pretty sheltered life and brought up by very caring, safe and sensible parents) and I immediately thought “I do deserve this because I’m a horrible person”.

my therapist is aiming to get me to tap into my sub consciousness/unconscious thoughts to get to the root of why I am the way I am, framing the binge drinking/need to be obliterated as a symptom of my inner turmoil rather than the cause of it, although the drinking does exacerbate it. So I’m feeling good and excited to continue with it.

Day 18 almost done!!

Evening all.
All good this morning. Bff gone to ground so tbh I get some headspace. Hoorah. Company seller upped her price x 3! Not sure it's a goer now. High drama but I am dealing with it.
Off tomorrow to get DD after her first week.
Congrats to all.

Evening ladies!

I am feeling hardcore tonight. I had a dental extraction today and still went to my boxfit class this evening. Feeling very sore right now though!

@MyGhastIsFlabbered Superwoman! Im still trying to get my fitness mojo back...keep threatening to go for a run but not quite getting there

@SillyLittleMargaret sadly I can't run at the moment (not that I was ever a huge runner - Parkrun was my limit!) because of plantar fasciitis. But some friends do gym classes so we go together.

Im 50 next year and just don't want to be 50, fat, unfit and alcohol dependent. So I have 18 months to sort it!

@MyGhastIsFlabbered I've got 4 months!!

Morning all.
@MyGhastIsFlabbered I’m 54, and don’t think I’ve felt this good since my 30s. Glad to hear you enjoyed boxfit - sounds a good way to get rid of frustrations!
@SillyLittleMargaret it’s hard to motivate yourself out of the door at this time of year, isn’t it? I’m currently sat here with my coffee waiting for it to be light enough to head out - it feels like a dreadful idea at the moment but I know it will feel great when it’s done! Can you plan a run for this weekend?

Morning all

@2023forme interesting the way we see life based on our experiences, this is an area I've been working on. There's a number of things that my brain reads one way that I'm having to challenge including people's expressions - I appear to be hyper vigilant about these, I guess stemming from not knowing what mood my parents would be in when I got home

@Onewildandpreciouslife I think I'm going to do a gentle 5k tomorrow morning. There's a nice route I used to do close to my Dad so I can pop in and see him afterwards. I really need to get back to it! Feel so much better when I run, it gives me much needed headspace!