The Freedom Thread (continued) - A thread for people wanting to enjoy an alcohol free life. Everyone welcome!

[BunniesBunniesBunnies]

This is a thread for people who want to live an alcohol free life! These threads were started about three years ago by @DryBird2020 and they have been a continued source of support for people at all stages of sobriety. Whether you are one day, one month or one year sober - You are welcome! The only thing we ask if that you have committed to stopping drinking when you join the thread (as talk to drinking or moderation may be triggering to some of our posters).

My name is @Bunnies and I am almost 1000 days sober, in no small part thanks to this amazing supportive community. I hope to see many new and old posters on this thread!

Happy sober 2023 all!

@Crunchymum we have had similar themed weekends...
DS's birthday breakfast was curtailed when I had to take my Dad to A&E. He's living with terminal cancer and turned up at the deli looking dreadful and complaining of blurred vision, dizziness and nausea. I sat in A&E with him until 6pm and then came home to have a takeaway with poor DS. They kept Dad in all weekend in the end and I picked him up this afternoon.

@Stircrazyschoolmum I love that podcast! Hope you're feeling better, I still struggle with peer pressure especially a couple of people in particular. I'm still trying to deal with those emotions and not waver.

Good morning all.
Up early after locking the dog out again. Three more nights until the DD is home for the weekend. The dog will probably dump me. I have had absolutely no cravings this week for booze. For me it is a struggle most days even a year on. I have cheese sitting in my fridge and yet I haven't eaten it. It was my scoff of choice with the wine. It doesn't taste the same without it. I am struggling to eat much (other than shortbread biscuits) yet I am looking forward to my breakfast tomorrow with one of our number (we live close to each other).
Off to London today to do the big deal. Very cold here so tricky outfit wise. And I hate getting on public transport with good shoes. I loved the 1990s thing of wearing trainers into work, problem is I can't find mine!
Have a good day all.

Sleep is definitely the answer along with love and purpose. I love that @WendyWagon !

Definitely true here. I'm coping so much better with the things I have to do than I would be if I was relaxing with a glass of wine. Alcohol is such a lie!

I'm still keeping on and I do believe a big part of that is down to reading this thread, so thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and helping me.

Thank you so much @Breathmiller for thinking of my son! He’s doing really well - his school are great and he’s part of a club for bereaved children now - definitely better for me being sober too.

Work has been so busy I’ve had very little time for swimming - but I’m taking on the biggest challenges of my professional life. Yet another sobriety plus, I’d never have been brave enough to do this while drinking. Have mostly replaced the sea with yoga for now! Hopefully things will ease up soon and then back in the sea for me.

So great to see so many new people here, I’m pleased for you all finding this amazing place xx

Sorry I meant to quote @SillyLittleMargaret (I have asked for my post to be deleted as stupid phone @'d the wrong poster)

This was meant for you SLM

I am so sorry to hear about your dad (and it really isn't the same as having a poorly child, but thank you for your kindness) it must be so difficult for you all. Extra respect to you for coping with this and remaining AF. I know it's trite but if you can do this sober, you really can do anything.
Not the same situation but it was my mum's very sudden death in 2020 that tipped me over the edge in terms of drinking. I literally couldn't deal with the shock and pain and sadness. My mum would have hated to have been the reason I fell into the abyss though. I had to get myself out.
I don't have much recent experience with terminal cancer but I know when my granddad was terminal it took such a toll on my aunt and my dad. Make sure you are looking after yourself xx

Hiya all, just checking in see so quickly.. will be back later to catch up! Still going strong 🙌 much love xx

HI everyone - I've been really busy with work this week (my schedule varies from one day a week to 6 days a week!) so have only managed to read posts quickly during breaks. But I am rooting for everyone and saying 'welcome' to new posters.

I'd really like some feedback on something that happened yesterday which has kind of thrown me/upset me a bit as I'm not sure if I am being over sensitive/over reacting.

So at bedtime tonight, I will be 16 days AF following my last (last as in previous and last as in it needs to be my last!) bender at the start of January. I've been binge drinking for years with the last 2 years being a car crash. So essentially I am now aiming to be AF for life but focussing on a 'year of health' which includes not drinking as 'for life' is still too scary for me.

So the situation is - we have a couple of holidays coming up which I am mentally prepared to do dry. Once is an activity type break with lots of early nights/early mornings/activities so it won't be a big drinking holiday. The other is a cruise (all inclusive with upgrade to premium drinks package) which was booked during a period of sobriety last year when we all thought I had cracked it. Surprsingly, I'm not too concerned about the cruise as again, there will be early mornings for excursions and lots to do that doesn't revolve around drinking. Also, my DC are coming and DD and her boyfriend don't drink and there are two other adults in the group who don't drink. So I am looking forward to it.

For context, we are at a point in life where we are quite comfortable money wise. We have two very dear friends (a couple) who are struggling financially and have been for the past two years - it's not looking like it will change for various reasons. DH announced yesterday that he would like to treat them to a break away. (A side issue is that I don't think the woman in the couple would want this and find it quite patronising but the guy would definately be up for it). I don't have any issue with us funding the break as I love them both dearly and they have been great friends for decades and really stood by me during my worst drinking.

But DH wants to book a long weekend in Tenerife and this is where I have a problem. This couple are both quite big drinkers (although there's never any drama) and love to laze by the pool drinking. I just know this break would involve chilling and drinking lots - for them. I really don't want to do that. At this moment in time, I can't think of anything worse than sitting by a pool all day watching everyone else drink then going out at night and again, watching everyone else drink.

My issue is that DH has upset me by even suggesting this. We have another friend who is a gambler and gambled away their home - to me it's like inviting him to a party night at the races and telling him 'we are all having a flutter but you just sit there and watch us".

I know I need to prioritise me and my sobriety but then I feel really guilty for stopping DH going away with this couple we love and get on so well with. DH and them not drinking is not an option - I wouldn't suggest it and there's no way that would happen - I honestly think they'd rather not go.

So if you've got this far (and thanks if you have) - do you think I am justified in being upset?
Or do I just need to suck it up so that DH can still have happy times with friends?

It's so bloody hard!

Would it be an option to gift your friends the weekend away and not go yourselves?

In my early days I couldn't have done a trip like that. I'd have ended up drinking. I wouldn't put myself through it.

@2023forme that's so hard. I can't really advise because that exact situation is where I've slipped up countless times. The times when everyone else is drinking with abandon I wrestle with my sobriety and until now have sacrificed it...and then regretted it. I'm trying to avoid those situations at the moment but coming up is a weekend with my sister and her partner who are big drinkers (she didn't use to be until she met her current partner) and regularly sink a couple of bottles a night. This will be hard - the disappointment and disapproval of my sobriety will be quite intense. So my only advice would be to avoid. Is DH sympathetic? Maybe you could have a really honest chat with him...🤞

@Crunchymum thanks for your thoughts. It is hard, I'm juggling Dad (very stubborn and would hate to be a burden - which in a way makes him more of one!) and my Mum who has Alzheimer's and is in a home some miles away, as Dad can't cope with her now .

2023forme that is a tricky one. I think most people, if not all on this thread would struggle with that. I feel quite secure in my sobriety these days but don't think I'd find that easy. And it's not even something I used to do (holidays abroad I mean) so it's not a particular trigger point.

I do think definitely that in the early days you need to avoid triggers. I didn't go to parties with my drinking buddies for instance, it just wasn't worth it. It would have been too hard and made me feel rubbish not drinking and had too much potential to make me think fuck this and drink.

Can you sit down and chat to dh? Tell gim what you've said here. Tell him it's a wonderful thing to do and you would love to treat your friends to a holiday and would love nothing more than spending a week abroad with them but you just aren't ready for that. You could make a few suggestions as compromises...you all go together but do something different altogether that isn't drinking by the pool. A city break? Or some activity thing that doesn't centre around alcohol.

Or as crunchymum suggests you gift them a holiday for themselves? Of course that doesn't get round the part that your friend might not want to accept of course.

I know life has to go on but I also think your sobriety is too important to jeopardise at tgis stage.

Good luck with it all. It sounds like you've got a great mindset.

sillylittlemargaret sending hugs for you and your dad. That's really hard to have going on especially with your mum too. 💛

@2023forme
I think it is too early to go on the holiday. Gift them the weekend. I can honestly say I would be so touched if someone did this for me. I do agree with the others sometimes you have to remind people you aren't cured. Next year you will feel different.

Thanks for the feedback. Yeah we could gift them it -it’s just that going away is DH’s greatest pleasure in life. It’s the only time he can really switch off from work so I know he really wants to go too.

But I’m annoyed that he is even suggesting it if I’m honest. I think it shows a complete lack of consideration towards me but then I feel guilty and selfish. First proper therapy session tomorrow - Im hoping to get to grips with why I feel the need to put others before myself all the time!

Morning all

Still sleeping like a log but still got headache which is a pain (literally).

@2023forme hope therapy goes well, I understand why you're annoyed but ultimately DH is just stating what he wants, you are also allowed to say what you want (or don't). However I'm not the best in giving advice in this area (work in progress)

Morning all
@Kindtomyself could you see a pharmacist about your headache? It can get so tiring putting up with a daily pain but good to hear you are getting your sleep.
@2023forme thats sounds a tough situation but your therapy session could help with how you deal with it. If the trip away is too soon for you then that is what you could state clearly and your DH should respect that.

Day 81 for me today and unlike last year I'm not bored of sobriety. I think it's because I haven't set myself a 100 day goal - for me this feels like 'it'. I've been focussing on my fitness (well exercise really - my diet is still mostly crap!). Been doing exercise classes with friends and last night managed 40 lengths at the pool, knocking 2 minutes off the time it took me last week.

So I'm not really missing the alcohol even though I'm not really feeling the benefits from quitting yet. I think it's going to be one of those situations where the change is so gradual I don't notice it until one day when it suddenly hits me.

February will be harder as DH won't be AF anymore and we're away at half term but we've all got this!

Morning all,
Lots of my mind re business and the behaviour of bff. I fear it will get worse before it will get better. I am being asked by her to walk away from a fabulous company because the owner doesn't want her on board. I am a loyal person but I love this brand and the opportunity it has for me. I feel guilty for not showing solidarity. I could lose myself in the drink as I have no one to talk to. The DH thinks she is dodgy as hell anyway and I give her too much energy. Her antics have been impacting my work for years. She has FOMO.

Morning all just checking in. @WendyWagon Your DH sounds sensible, a true friend wouldn’t ask this of you surely!

@WendyWagon don't let your loyalty to your friend hold you back. I've spent far too long doing exactly this in life, along with not doing things for fear of what others might think of me.
There's a reason why the owner of the company doesn't want her on board (and why DH feels the way he does). It's harder to be objective the more involved you are...

@SillyLittleMargaret thank you for the support. Bff did something awful 6 years ago and it was all over the papers (non violent). I felt sorry for her and her teenage daughters who had noone. I believe she had severe mental illness at the time.I remained friends. Every time I get a new job she wants me to employ her, I can't because of her background. I have given her freelance work. This time she went too far pulling me into a company sale where the owners quickly discovered the history. It has reflected badly on me. I have managed to dissociate myself from the events however my friend is delusional about how this impacts on people. She absolutely doesn't care. No remorse, no reflection. I am so embarrassed. Any words of advice would be appreciated. If I turn down the opportunity others lose out. It is a mess. Sorry for rambling. Not really about drinking. X

Oh wendywagon that sounds really difficult. Is this to do with your new job? Is it time to put up your own safe boundaries with this friend? Sit down and work out how much you can give her, of your time and effort. I think it sounds like it's time to split the work and friendship parts of your relationship. You have been so excited about this opportunity it would be a shame to let the actions of someone else spoil that. A good friend would not jeopardise your new job. Maybe when you separate the two then you will have a better idea of what you can offer (if anything) in friendship to this person. It's okay to step away from people who do not treat you well. A lesson i learned in the last couple of years but it was hard. I realised I didn't need to turn myself inside out to make someone feel better about their bad choices when they had no qualms about making my life more difficult.

Oh Sav it’s sounds like you are really conflicted here. If an individual does not have the ability or inclination to be self reflective and work on their issues you are not responsible for the consequences. Forge ahead with what is best for you, your career and your family. I feel sure you would give good and sound advice if ‘Sav’ was your friend or relative.

Sav, from a completely neutral POV it sounds as though she gets loads from you, but you get very little from her.

I realised I didn't need to turn myself inside out to make someone feel better about their bad choices when they had no qualms about making my life more difficult.

The above just about sums it up. I have spent years apologising for my friends behaviour and choices. I have always believed there was a better person behind their actions. None of my close friends will come to an event if the lady in question is present. My bff has been helpful to me through my af journey but the latest stunt has caused me professional embarrassment. I could have lost my reputation. My industry is notoriously gossipy. It is also not that friendly to other women. I have loads of guilt because my friend discovered this opportunity and asked me to help. It wasn't my introduction but it was one she couldn't possibly work on. It is high exposure and Mr google likes to hoard salacious stories. The owner approached me and changed horses. I guess I am seeking permission to be a sh*t or absolution (I didn't fancy AIBU as I will get slated). For context the lady has plenty of money and doesn't have children to support. Thank god I have a dry house and am too poorly to drive today.