Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

Hi all, well it's all happening in my life........... I've been dropping to the floor, without any notice, I've been stopped from driving until they find out what it is and fix it, this could be a year. I am having a heart rhythm monitor fitted as it's likely my heart is stopping, I drop/fall/collapse and it starts again. It only cuts out for a second but it's enough to have caused some nasty injuries.

Anyway that's the background, I have to have investigations I can't drive, I can't walk alone, really dangerous crossing roads if I drop there, I could drop showering and I'm terrified.

My ex, who was I have to say utterly briiliant (and totally sober) when I had breast cancer last year. He took me to every appointment and there were loads, every radiotherapy treatment, and all the others in between.

He wants to look after me, will drive me to appointments, has said I could move back in with him anytime (not a chance), he's not moving in to my house. He says he's sorry, he loves me, he'd even marry me! Obviously none of that is going to happen.

I won't move in with him, or allow him to move in with me. I have my house and am keeping it to myself. I am ill and i am terrified, I'm not stupid. He can be so lovely and kind which is the part of him I fell for.

Do I accept his help on my terms or just try and get through this alone. It's so tempting to be looked after, I'm so scared, I could collapse on stairs, when holding kettles, in the shower, and there's no warning. nothing, I am standing, then I'm on the floor, there's no in-between.

He is promising that he will not drink when he is around me, he will continue to go out with his friends, which is fine, and get shitfaced, which is fine, so long as I'm not around. He says he accepts I don't want to see it, don't want to be near it, wont go to a pub full of pissheads. He's a pub binge drinker, and a pain in the arse when he's drunk 2-3 times a week.

I'm scared again, I've beaten eclampsia, almost killed me, then my own battle of the booze, haven't drank for over 6 years now, getting on for 7, then beat breast cancer, now my heart. I am feeling that what is the point of worrying about a long term future when I am in such trouble health wise and just do what is right for one day at a time.

All comments, I really value the honesty from you people, whatever they are, are welcome.

@Mememene if you think your ex can keep to the terms you have set about not drinking around you then I would accept his help, simply because it will help keep you safe. This must be terrifying for you - I hope you are treated as an urgent case and seen soon. My late husband had these drops too and yes, it was heart disease. You may end up needing a pacemaker or similar - please do be the squeaky wheel and don't let anyone dismiss you as heart disease can be difficult to diagnose.

Stay safe and take all the help you can get.

Thanks Pointy,

I have my house and my son will drive me home if my ex drinks around me if needed. I could always just leave in the past under my own steam, but I am not allowed to drive my car and I am not safe out on my own even crossing roads.

I've lost my independence for now and that's really tough for someone like me.

I really don't think he will drink when I'm there. He will drink but not around me and that's all I care about right now. I've said if I am with him and he wants to drink he arranges for me to be at home first.

He's offering to drive me to AA meetings, not because I'll drink but those people are amazing and help to keep life in perspective. AA is about stopping drinking but after that initial bits done it's about coping with this hard stuff that life throws at you without relying on the bottle.

I've seen people go through worse than me and stay sober, so there are no excuses.

I got through cancer sober, I'll get through this sober, people have been great I've got a lot of offers to lifts to meetings but that means staying away from the ex when he's drinking.

I can't drive for maybe up to a year. Oddly enough if my heart stops again when I have the monitor implanted, I'll get the Pacemaker and I can drive shortly after. If they don't find it, I'm off the road for a year at least. I'm hoping it will stop once the monitor is in my chest, Madness.

Weird to be wishing your heart stops so you can get diagnosed. I'm lucky through work I get BUPA, this urgent referral came through for March 2022 on the NHS!! I am hoping it will be in, in a couple of weeks, then it's waiting for it to pick up the problem.

I'm off for xrays now to see what damage the last fall did!

@Mememene hope everything is ok x

I'm still feel up and down

Angry , confused, sad , sometimes relieved

He's not doing very well with the no contact but he can fuck off quite frankly

Hi everyone, I’ve been looking to go Al-Non meeting but I go on holiday with my 3 yr old on Sunday…my partner was meant to be coming but after going on a 4 day bender, which involved crashing into a neighbours car, I’ve told him he is no longer invited (3.5 years of this sort of behaviour, he doesn’t drink everyday & can sometimes go weeks if really trying but always ends up drinking alone till pass out, doing coke & really pissing me off) despite him having a very well paid job he hasn’t actually contributed to the holiday.
My dilemma/guilt is that since this last “episode” he has admitted he is an addict & has made a few phone calls & attended 2 zoom C.A meetings..so is shocked & doesn’t understand why I don’t want him to come.
This last few months I have realised how depressed, stressed, triggered, reactive etc etc I am from his actions and we manage to massively full out and ruin weekends away over his drinking - so why would I risk him ruining a week abroad where there is no escape! Of course he is full of promises, and “he’s changed”….am I out of order for not falling at his feet in gratitude & believing what I’ve heard many times before?
Not that he has ever said he is an addict before, that’s new but has said he won’t drink etc before & done a meeting.

sorry for the long post. Obviously I am hopeful that this time is different but the trust is gone, I realise how much I’ve been manipulated in the past & that because he knows he always gets away with it/worms his way back in why would he change? I kicked him out Saturday but he is back on the sofa by weds..I just want him to actually have some consequences for once :(

@MarigoldMoonStone sorry you're going through this shit too
Stick to your guns
You're right , a few meetings and most likely half arsed promises doesn't mean it's now all ok
My ex attended about 3 AA meetings then claimed he can now drink sensibly. Bullshit

@MarigoldMoonStone it is not recommended that an addict be in a relationship until they have been at least a year sober. You told him to leave - stand firm, he needs to take that year (and more) to really change and find recovery. A couple of zoom meetings and some promises do not cut it.

While you are separate from him, I hope that you will learn how peaceful it feels not to share your life with an addict.

My late husband did rehab. He was in a day rehab for 6 weeks, didn't drink during that time and yes, it did feel like we were getting the old him back. But the fear in me when he finished rehab and had to do it alone was real and awful. That is the risk you take when you allow an addict in recovery back into your life and only you can decide whether it is worth it. In my husband's case his sobriety lasted all of two weeks after he completed rehab.

Thanks ladies. It’s so hard isn’t it, I feel like I should be more supportive of his attempt at recovery but I think deep down I don’t believe it is anymore than an attempt to cloud my judgement. Feel like I’m becoming as selfish as him as already feel more sorry for myself than I do him. Think I deserve this break away from him, I know if he came I will just be waiting for the moment he casually buys a pint like it’s no big deal & breaks my heart.
We did spend some time apart already, we met when working abroad and are from opposite ends of the country when we came back to UK we started in his neck of the woods but when it became clear that he would rather spend his weekends drinking and being hungover than spending time with his family I realised I was missing my family for no reason and moved back home. That was May 2021, he spiralled a bit and I eventually let him come live with us Jan this year, with a no drinking at the house rule, that eventually went out the window (I did drink with him a few times stupidly thought it was under control) but that then lead to him coming home from work every Friday with beer and coke sitting in the living room alone drinking while I go to bed upset & annoyed. Try to put boundaries in places that he always agrees to but then just completely ignores, or finds loopholes for (don’t drink at home - let’s go to the caravan! Surprise surprise alcohol comes too, it’s a joke)
So with him being from 500 miles away when I kick him out it’s easy for him to manipulate me to having him back (has “no choice” but to run back to his mums) because for my daughters sake I don’t want him completely gone & he acts like it’s completely impossible to actually find anywhere to live on his own down here (he earns good money but bad credit, no savings only debt) I would live in an old ladies box room if it meant I could stay close to my kid but I guess that’s just me.
But I’m really getting wise to it, and the resentment is building up. It definitely something I would like to eventually get therapy for but almost seems pointless when the situation is ongoing, definitely going to go Al-anon when back from holiday tho.
I rang a helpline, I think it was called drugfam, this past weekend, as he was kind of implying on the phone that he was going to kill himself and I had to help him. The woman on the phone was great, didn’t have any concern for him only me & as she said yes it is a disease but if you had cancer you wouldn’t just wait for it to get better.
Anyway he is currently being super helpful, making tea, breakfast, hoovering, mopping floors. I know he thinks I will crack and let him come on holiday. I won’t.
oh also worth mentioning, something I’m feeling a little silly about at the moment but, I’m pregnant…but that’s not really going to make much difference in my thought process as I know I can do it alone, I don’t want to but I can. But kind of puts a real time limit on this situation because I’m not going to be post natal dealing with a selfish addict again, did it last time & on top of the hormones it’s just way too depressing.

anyway I’m a chatterbox haha!

read through your posts @pointythings what you dealt with with your husband, and mum. Heartbreaking and just really shows how quickly drinking can get completely out of control and destroy a family. Your daughters are lucky you found the strength that you did, and really hit home for me that I can’t let my kids go through it. My daughter is (3 next month) already picking up on things “daddy makes you cry sometimes” “daddy was here then he just went away and he didn’t come back” it makes me so sad :(

@MarigoldMoonStone I hope reading my threads has made you feel that it isn't selfish to put your children and yourself first. You can't help him, but you can help yourself. Ending the relationship is the best thing you can do, especially for your unborn baby.

@MarigoldMoonStone I hope reading my threads has made you feel that it isn't selfish to put your children and yourself first. You can't help him, but you can help yourself. Ending the relationship is the best thing you can do, especially for your unborn baby.

Total shite,

3 AA meetings is nothing, or CA or NA it doesn't scratch the surface. 3 meetings is a token gesture, take it from one who knows fed up you are totally right. If he actually listened in the meetings, he'd know that we can't drink, one day at a time but we can never drink sensibly again. We might do it for a night, a week or a month but then let the chaos resume.

Hello!

I'm in recovery from alcoholism (AA) but in addition to Al Anon is ACA - Adult children of alcoholics. Both are twelve step fellowships, but ACA is starting to grow a lot in the UK.

You might find it helpful for support.

adultchildren.org/literature/problem/

Hi @PersonIrresponsible thank you for that link. It's going to be really useful to have as much information on organisations who can help people like us and our children as we can get.

And well done to you on finding recovery, stories of hope are also very welcome. My sister's DP is 11 years sober this year. My husband didn't make it, but every time I speak to him I feel a bit better.

I wish I had the strength to leave "H"
He's not abusive, works incredibly hard and in many ways is a great man.

BUT he drinks too much and doesn't see it as a problem. We just go round and round.
I hate that I live in this limbo and think my life would be so much simpler if I could just walk away 😪

@piffle123 two things:

1. Functioning alcoholics tend to stop functioning
2. If you have children, they will be affected and this will get worse when 1) occurs.

Leaving is stressful, hard and financially very tough. But if you have children it is the only right thing to do.

Yes we have children, one of whom has already normalised drinking at 17

My MIL is an alcoholic but completely in denial to the point she gossips about others being alcoholics and makes jokes about being one when she's the only person drinking or when she buys half a dozen bottles at the same time in the supermarket.
There's no point trying to hold a conversation after about 5pm as she's rude snarky and aggressive before she passes out on the sofa.
She always offers to babysit our DC but sadly that's never going to happen as we just can't trust her. When she's sober she's lovely but wine would always take priority. Its upsetting for all but she would never accept she has a problem.

Hi @fedup078 - well done for leaving! I left my alcoholic ex partner nearly 2 years ago. We were together more than 10 years, had a child together. It took me over 5 years of knowing how awful it was and wanting to leave to actually leave. It was such an awful, awful time - and they died less than a year after I left, of liver failure - but honestly, life without an alcoholic partner is the most wonderful thing in the world. I totally get the feeling of 'wasted time'. But life on the other side if just amazing. I'm here if you want to chat. I hope you're doing ok. Be strong - this will all be history soon and life will keep on improving xx

Hi. I hope I can get some advice here. My wife is an alcoholic, she drinks vodka everyday, and turns into a me-hating monster. She has had numerous falls resulting in cuts etc, has been in & out of casualty a lot recently because I have rung for an ambulance after finding her unconscious upon returning home from work, and now she says she wants to get me arrested and keeps threatening to ring the Police & say that I have inflicted injuries on her.
The way she turns from a happy, nice person on the phone to me (I'm a truck driver, usually a long way from home) to a slurring angry woman who hates me & just wants to sleep all day can be remarkably quick.
I love her dearly, despite all this, and am desperate for her to get help & sort herself out. She agrees with me when she's sober, and has often said recently that she has had her last ever drink, only for it to happen again on an almost daily basis.
Please, if anyone can offer any advice, anything at all no matter how small I would be extremely gratefull.
Thank you.
Alan.

@Alan1965 you can't help her. Only she can help herself, and for her that would mean seeking professional help for her addiction. She loves alcohol more than she loves you.

If your username is an indication of your age, do you still have children at home? It's easier to act if it's just you and her.

Ultimately all you can do is make a choice which one of you you're going to look after - I recommend that it be yourself. Please contact Al-Anon or SMART Family& Friends for advice and support. You need help to deal with the immense stress and guilt that comes with sharing your life with an alcoholic. My personal feeling given that she is manipulating and threatening you is that you should leave - addicts do not change if there are no consequences for their behaviour.

Everything that Pointy said. I used to drink a bottle of vodka a day, clean now for a good few years and try to help other female alcoholics at AA. BUT.... An alcoholic can only be helped when they've had enough. No one can make them stop. The addiction is so strong that even when people want to stop, they can't with the best support in the world. I've seen many die of this ans it's no one's fault, no family member can make a difference.

I'd go to support groups, even by zoom, for the families of alcoholics because this is a family illness. One person drinks and the pain goes out to everyone who loves them.

@Alan1965 awful situation
It's ultimatum time I'm afraid
But I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that she won't stop even if you threaten to leave
Both the alcoholics in my life just got worse after the ultimatum was issued
But you can't go on like this

Well I've managed to stick to very lc with mine
I'm still massively pissed off with him
And he still keeps pushing his luck in trying to ring me for no good reason but I haven't answered any calls

Good work. Well done. It's so hard not to leap in to try and 'rescue' them even after they've left.

Thanks all for your encouraging messages. Lots to take in, lots to contemplate.